Menopausal Mother

 
     I've noticed a lot of changes in my life over the past few years, and I'm not just referring to a few extra pounds or menopause. My husband has noticed little changes in himself as well; his knees click when he gets up off the couch, and his back gives out whenever he tries to dance to anything sung by Pit Bull or Fetty Wap. This is what happens after you slide over the far side of the midlife hill. And it's only the beginning. Here are fourteen more things you have to look forward to in the not-so-distant future:

1. Your mailbox will be inundated with AARP invitations, LifeAlert ads and sales on cemetery plots.

2. You'll have the memory capacity of a goldfish.
3. If you're a man, your testicles will drop low enough to chafe your knee caps. If you're a woman, your breasts will look like two deflated pastry bags straddling your belly button.

4. You'll never leave the house without aspirin, floss, and antacids.

5. Skin tags and age spots will appear out of nowhere, which means you'll be visiting your dermatologist more often than you visit your friends.

6. You'll check WebMD at least once a day.

7. Your hair will mysteriously disappear from several areas on your body and leave you looking like a hairless cat.

8. You'll need to keep a handy stock of powders and thick creams for relief from chafing.

9. Every room in your house will be equipped with at least one pair of reading glasses, but you still won't be able to find any of them.

10. You'll be a sucker for every "miracle" serum advertised on TV to prevent your face from looking like a peach pit.

11. Most of the money you saved for retirement will end up invested in a good dental plan. Crowns, root canals and gum surgery will take the place of your dream vacation to Niagara Falls.

12. You'll need several shots of espresso to stay awake during the day and a dose of sleep medication at night to avoid playing mattress tag with Mr. Insomnia.

13. Viagra and menthol lubricants will become your best friends.

14. You'll feather your empty nest with extra cats, dogs, and possibly a few stray rodents.


     Welcome to the far side of midlife!



****I'm beyond thrilled to have a BRAND NEW POST featured on Purple Clover this week! Check out "The Battles Of The Bulge" here: http://www.purpleclover.com/health/5528--battles-bulge/?icid=pclver%7Cswipehp

Meno Mama was also featured on BLUNTmoms this week with my post, "Ten Lies Parents of Teens Tell Themselves." You can read it here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/10-lies-parents-teens-tell/

     Last week I admitted to the little white lies that my female peers and I are guilty of telling (you can read the post *here*), but I've decided it wouldn't be any fun if I didn't share the male side of the equation. I've gotten a few brave men to 'fess up about the lies they tell themselves and their significant others, and some of these go way beyond the usual, "Of course I don't think you look like you've gained weight" tales they eagerly tell their women in order to avoid a night in the dog house.

     Fellas, I'm betting there are quite a few remarks here that are going to sound painfully familiar to you. It's time to put down the TV remote and admit that you're just as guilty as your partner when it comes to stretching the truth like a giant rubber band. Just remember how much it stings when that band snaps back.


*I'm only going to watch one game this weekend.

*Of course I'd rather order a tofu burger from the menu than a juicy Porterhouse steak.

*Yes, it was on sale.


*If I lose a few more pounds, I can squeeze back into my Speedo.

*My wife won't notice if I leave a few dirty dishes in the sink.

*A man can never have too many flashlights. Or screw drivers.

*I don't mind taking all the kids with us on our romantic vacation to the Bahamas.

*It's okay that no one else in the family notices that the trash can is overflowing.

*I never fart in elevators.

*No honey, those jeans don't make your butt look big.

*I don't mind giving up my championship game tickets to stay home and help you pick lice out of the kids' hair.

*This isn't fat---it's muscle.

*No one will notice I'm going bald if I wear a baseball cap 24/7….or wrap this long, single strand of hair around the top of my head.

*It wasn't a mistake…. I meant to do that.

*Of course I remembered our anniversary is today.

*My in-laws won't care if I burp at the dinner table.

*It doesn't bother me that I have to drive thirty miles to the store that carries that special shade of lipstick that you love so much.

*I don't mind getting up at 3:00 a.m. to investigate the strange sound that you heard outside.

*Sure, I can last all night without Viagra.

*My boss won't notice if I'm late to work three days in a row because the drive-thru line at Starbucks is ridiculously long.

*As soon as I get the prototype for my invention of an atomic sponge made, I'll be able to retire on the millions I'll make from it.

*Of course I understand your moodiness.

*I don't mind spending $400 on Justin Beiber concert tickets for my daughters.

*It's perfectly fine to let the snoring, farting dog share the bed with us every night.

*Even though I'm in my fifties, I can still keep up with the teenagers and play several rounds of basketball in 90 degree heat.

*I'm not overweight---I'm just big boned.

*Size doesn't matter.

*I love having my in-laws over for dinner every weekend.

*My wife won't notice that I went to Home Depot for a packet of nails and came home with a pressure cleaner.

*Of course I don't mind working over time without extra pay. My family won't mind, either.

*I didn't clog the toilet.

*It's good to let the grass get knee-high every now and then. I'll mow it next week.

*I know where I'm going and I don't need to ask anyone for directions.

*I don't mind that you're feeling too tired and grumpy for sex. I can wait.

*You still look beautiful to me even with that unidentifiable rash on your face.

*I never think that you and your girlfriends talk too much.


*Of course I love your creamed brussels sprout and salmon pie. Who wouldn't?

*My wife thinks my love handles are sexy.

*I'd be happy to teach our Evil Knievel--wannabe teenager how to drive.

*Men don't gossip.

*I'm not crying over that Hallmark commercial. I've got something in my eye.

*Just because I'm giving you a sexy body massage doesn't mean that I expect something else in return.

*I'd be happy to stop by the drugstore on my way home from work to pick up a box of tampons for you.

*Just one more beer, and then I'll stop. I promise…...



     That wasn't so hard now, was it, fellas? So how about a big slice of creamed brussels sprout and salmon pie with a tofu burger on the side….unless, of course, you were lying about that?



This week Meno Mama was all over the place!  I shared the "Do's and Don'ts of Valentine's Day Gifts on the Huffington Post:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/the-dos-and-donts-of-vale_b_6660278.html     I was also a guest on the blog "Take A Walk In My Shoes" with my Valentine post, "How To Keep A Husband Happy":   http://terri-grothe.blogspot.com/2015/02/how-to-keep-your-husband-happy-guest.html   

      

     For many of us, this is the busiest time of year. It's also the most stressful. Trying to juggle the everyday demands of work, children, household chores and errand running coupled with extra holiday obligations is enough to make our heads spin (or earn our very own parking spot at the Liquor Mart).  It's nearly impossible to fit in time for decorating the house, shopping for gifts and baking special treats for family and friends.

 
    With Father's day just weeks away, I found myself wondering what to do for my husband on his special day. An early Oktoberfest in the backyard? A competitive spot next to Adam Richman on Man vs Food at an all-you-can-eat-ribs diner? Probably not a good idea since our toilet is temperamental.
   
     When I was finally able to grab my husband's attention from the NBA playoffs for a nanosecond, I asked him what it would take to make him happy on Father's Day----other than the obvious. I'm talking BEER, people! Get your minds out of the gutter.

     After out little chat during the five minute commercial break, I came to the conclusion that my husband's needs go far beyond a single day of recognition. He deserves to be happy all year 'round and to feel appreciated on a daily basis.

     Actions speak louder than words, so I've come up with a wish list of things I think wives should do that would make most husbands happy:


*  Let him eat all the burgers, pizza and chicken wings he wants. Just remind him you've already set up his doctor's appointment for a new heart stent.

*  Give him the badabing manual on "How To Help Your partner Reach The Big O in 2 Minutes Or Less When The Playoffs Are On."

*  Install a mini fridge full of beer next to his La-Z-Boy recliner. Add a portable catheter so he never has to get out of his chair.

*  Let him take a nap for an hour every day. Longer if he's hooked up to the catheter.

*  Convince him he needs a night out with his buddies Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble at the Water Buffalo Lodge. This is especially important if your husband is the Grand Poo Ba of the man cave.

*  Tell him not to strain and push so hard at the gym. Working toward a six pack just to be a trophy husband isn't worth popping out a hemorrhoid.

*  Let him sit on the couch, scratch his crotch and channel surf all weekend long.

*  Keep the sex life interesting, even if it requires a nightly Viagra cocktail and a wife dressed in an Oscar Mayer Wiener costume.

*  Surprise him with VIP tickets to his favorite sporting event that include seats in the sky lounge, unlimited steak, beer and an adult diaper changing station.

*  Give him an HD television the size of a movie theatre screen. The picture should be clear enough that he can tell whether or not the ball players have been circumcised.

*  Let him spend a weekend at a testosterone infused camp where men are men and sheep are nervous. Hopefully he won't have a b-a-a-a-a-d experience.

*  Buy him a large gift certificate to a hardware store. This allows him all the time necessary to roam the aisles for stupid trinkets. Don't be surprised if he comes home with a paint sprayer that doubles as a margarita dispenser or a yard hose with a special, suction extension attached for those lonely nights in the garden.

*  Tell him it's perfectly acceptable to show off his talent of burping the alphabet for your guests. Farting the alphabet, not so much.


     If none of these suggestions work to keep your husband happy, I have a Plan B. Send him off to a one room cabin in the woods for a year where he can grow a long beard and commune with the tree frogs.

     Just don't forget to pack the suction hose.


***I was thrilled to take part in a podcast on Friday 5/16 hosted by Wendy Hernandez of Family Law Insider. We talked about "mating, marriage and making it all work." You can watch the interview here:  https://plus.google.com/events/c16ceku58ng29v805mp5icva3fo  If you're unable to see it on Google Plus you can see it anytime on YouTube Here:     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBFNhv_yRf4

***Want more Meno Mother? This week my feature on Humor Outcasts was about The 7 Deadly Sins Of Menopause, which you can read here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/the-7-deadly-sins-of-menopause/

****I wasn't aware that a few weeks ago I was also featured on Better After Fifty, where I'm discussing the humorous symptoms of menopausal men. You can catch that post here: http://betterafter50.com/2014/04/my-husband-totally-gets-the-menopause-thing/

****Last but not least, I was also featured this week on Midlife Boulevard talking about my first period. Don't say. "EWWWWW!" This is FUNNY, people! Check it out here: http://midlifeboulevard.com/her-first-period