Menopausal Mother

Hey, Menopausal Ladies! Are you tired of waking up several times a night soaking wet from hot flashes and night sweats? I am! The bedroom fans just aren't doing it for me anymore, and my husband is tired of shivering in bed when I turn the thermostat down to 65 degrees.

I've been looking for a solution to this problem, and I found it with The Smart Pod. Check out their information below and see what their customers have
to say about this amazing mattress!

How The Pod Smart Mattress Can Help Menopause Symptoms

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, five bloggers are bravely inviting you into their homes to see what goes on behind closed doors.

     The fly is STILL going stir crazy as the COVID-19 pandemic rages on. It has been very difficult lately to find humor amid the chaos in the world. The news reminds us daily of rising death tolls, overcrowded hospitals, and a massive lack of toilet paper (WHY IS THIS STILL A PROBLEM? WHO IS HOARDING ALL THE TOILET PAPER?). Thank God I have a husband who has a gift for humor and knows how to use it when times are tough.

   
The other thing that is helping me through the pandemic is FaceTiming frequently with my kids. Sometimes we are on for hours, laughing about stupid stuff we did and learning new things about one another. Being apart so long has created a deeper appreciation for one another, and it really shows during our online conversations.


     Oh, and another thing that helps: tropical drinks in the hot tub on a Saturday night while listening to Hawaiian music. Yeah, that's an important one!

     Thankfully, despite everything happening in the world today, I can still find bits of humor here and there, and most of it comes from the man who once promised in his wedding vows to make me laugh every single day:


"You've been cooking too much ever since the quarantine started. My colon is now five pounds heavier."

"I just went to the drugstore and then to the gas station. Both were completely empty. Is it possible that The Rapture occurred and we got left behind?"


"Since we've been stuck at home, I've moved past wearing sweatpants every day to wearing a Snuggie on the couch."

"I almost accidentally put Bengay instead of Desitin on my chafed butt cheeks. Talk about a flaming ass#$@*"

"Okay Lizzo, I did my hair toss and checked my nails. When do I start feeling good as hell?"

"You know I must be bored when I find squirrels running up and down a tree entertaining."
"You're fine as long as you don't start barking at them"

"Since I can't go to the mall during this pandemic, I've been looking for new clothes online."
"Any luck?"
"You know that 'one size fits all' slogan that companies
advertise? They lied."

"Stop baking Monkey Bread every weekend. I'm so tired of it, I feel like I'm eating the monkey's butt."

"I tried to sell our lamps for $50 on the Nextdoor App but nobody was interested. I know we need some extra cash until our stimulus checks from the government come in, but I'm not sure what else to sell for money. This whole situation is seriously pissing me off."
"I can always strap you in a chair on the front lawn with a sign that reads, "Ornery Man For Sale: $10 Or Best Offer.'"

"It has been four weeks since I've shaved my legs or plucked my eyebrows."
"Yes, I can see that you're channeling your inner Woolly Mammoth."


 
I do believe that between my husband's jokes and FaceTiming my kids, I just might survive this Quarantine time with my sanity intact after all.....

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? You can find me on Humor Outcasts this week with a funny piece about drinking at home. Read it HERE

Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

Easter was always a big deal at my house when I was a kid. For my mother, it was all about dressing my sisters and me in ruffled dresses, and patent leather shoes for the Sunday service at Church. My ten-year-old brain automatically tuned out the sermon and focused instead on Peter Pan's advice for Neverland---to think of the happy thing that would give me the power to fly on Tinkerbell wings.

That thing was Easter Peeps.

I was still dreaming of the sugar-coated, chick-shaped marshmallows when my parents insisted on an additional hour of biblical education in a Sunday school classroom that smelled of Elmer's Glue and mothballs. The teacher tried to engage the class in a rousing rendition of Peter, Paul and Mary's "If I Had A Hammer," but nothing could distract me from the promise of the spongy yellow birds nestled deep in the plastic grass of my Easter basket.

The only thing I learned during those formative years of Sunday school instruction was that (1) I owed Jesus an enormous debt that I couldn't possibly repay, and (2) Jesus was a forgiving man who would understand if I didn't want to share my Peeps.

I learned how to negotiate my Easter candy stash like a Blackjack dealer with my friends until I owned the lion's share of squishy, marshmallow birds. I was a Peeps aficionado who preferred to eat my neon yellow chicks while they were still fluffy and fresh, unlike my best friend, who left the package open for days to age the marshmallows like a fine wine until they were a harder, crunchier bird.

My penchant for Peeps followed me well into adulthood and was passed down to my own children. My youngest son was especially fond of Peeps, introducing me to the joys of microwaving them until they expanded like Macy's Day Parade floats---a confectionary feat no other candy could duplicate.

There are recipes online for deep-fried Peeps, 'Smore Peeps, and even Peeps pizza, but nothing tops eating them in their original puffy form----beady eyes and all.

Being the Peeps purist that I am, I've found the new, dizzying array of flavors on the market disappointing. Pumpkin spice, cotton candy, bubble gum, and caramel apple----these are just poor substitutes for the real thing. Faux Peeps, indeed.

The latest flavor hitting the market just in time for Easter is the love child of marshmallow Peeps and Hot Tamales chewy candies, and the result is a baby chick with an attitude.

Sold as Peeps Marshmallow Hot Tamales Fierce Cinnamon, they come in a box of ten fiery-colored birds: "Two classic candies come together in one sweet and spicy treat!" One fat-free, gluten-free serving is 110 calories for four chicks (but let's be real, these sticky birds are conjoined in sleeves of five, and expected to be eaten by the row). That's 24 grams of sugar per serving, or 60 if you consume the entire box. Enough to keep your dentist busy for a year.

I wrestled with what felt like a child-proof package until the cellophane tore, and was greeted by the aromatic scent of cinnamon rolls baking on Christmas morning. I tested the sponginess of the marshmallow---it was fresh---and then swiftly decapitated the bird with one bite. The nostalgic flavor combination of cinnamon and sugar instantly transported me back to my grandmother's kitchen, where a plate of homemade snickerdoodles awaited after a hard day of playing tag in the summer heat.

Eating an entire sleeve of these Peeps is like drinking shots of Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey without the annoying hangover side-effect. Despite the fiery Hot Tamale brand, fans of Flamin' Hot Cheetos will be disappointed that these marshmallows don't pack the same amount of heat. There's only a subtle hint of warmth when the cinnamon spice hits your tastebuds and turns your tongue bright red.

The crazy thing is, this Peeps purist likes them, and I've found that roasting them over a campfire enhances their flavor, adding an extra zing to my 'Smores. As tradition calls, I also tried the microwave test, but after the initial swelling of the marshmallow, the bird shrank into a hard, chewy ball reminiscent of stale bubble gum. I had difficulty scraping the gooey mess off the microwave plate, which made me wonder what affect the Peeps might have on my intestines if I ate another sleeve.

Although the marshmallow itself is made up mostly of sugar, corn syrup, and gelatin, the main ingredient of Peeps' eyes is carnauba wax---the same component found in furniture and shoe polish, lipstick, and car wax. They're also insoluble, which means that I might be carrying a giant ball of Peeps eyes in my belly that has been accumulating since 1969.

Peeps Marshmallow Hot Tamales are good enough to become a holiday staple in our family. But just in case this durable, cinnamon bird is ever pulled from grocery store shelves, I'll hang onto a few boxes to pass down my Peeps legacy to future generations. They'd make a great addition to any Easter basket since they never age, and no matter how many years into the future they're opened, they'll still taste fresh.

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, five bloggers are bravely inviting you into their homes to see what goes on behind closed doors.

     The fly at our house is going a little stir crazy since our town is pretty much on lockdown due to COVID-19. No restaurants, schools, bars. gyms....and even our beaches here in South Florida are closed. You know things must be bad when even your adult kids choose to hang out at your house on a Saturday night to play cards because THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO DO. But the good news is, the gatherings offer some pretty funny conversations:


"Eat as many carbs as you want, dear. Calories from stress eating definitely do NOT count when you are quarantined for the Coronavirus."

"It's understandable that we have to keep washing our towels during this virus, but why do the wet towels left overnight in the washing machine smell like death in the morning?"
"They died from the virus."

"I just stress-ate all three packages of the Hot Tamale Peeps and now my colon will never be the same."
"Have fun with that since there's no toilet paper to be found in the stores."


"Where are my car keys? Who took my damn car key?!? Oh wait---- they're right here..... in my hand."
"Forget about the keys----call the doctor instead. You're either feverish from COVID-19 or you're already exhibiting signs of early dementia."

"I almost took one of the dog's chemo pills by accident instead of my antibiotics. I probably would have grown a third arm out of my back if I'd taken it."
"Yeah, and that new arm would also have Carpal Tunnel."

"Social Distancing? Awesome! I finally have an excuse to avoid all the idiots in my life."

"There's only one solution to getting around town and staying virus-free. We need to learn how to levitate."
"That skill will definitely come in handy in five years when you're too old to walk anymore."

"When they were testing the basketball players for the Coronavirus, they found that a lot of the guys only had 3% body fat. I have more than that in one earlobe."


"I was looking on Amazon for arch supports, and the ad right next to it was for filet knives. Am I supposed to trim my arches?"
"Yeah, they did it that way so that you can make Filet of Sole."

"I predict three things from the outcome of the COVID-19 quarantine: A boom in births in December, a higher demand for therapists and anxiety meds, and everyone on the planet will have the cleanest homes this world has ever seen."

     Hope this Fly Post brought you some smiles during these trying times. Stay safe, my friends. Sending virtual hugs to all!

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm so excited to share the news that I had my very first humor piece published in Slackjaw! I had a blast writing it, too! It's called, THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF WHILE BUILDING AN IKEA ENTERTAINMENT CENTER.

***I also have my first humor piece published on Manopause, which you can read here: THE LITTLE WHITE LIES MIDDLE-AGED MEN TELL THEMSELVES

***As always, I have new work on CONSIDERABLE this week. You can read all of my articles for them here: https://www.considerable.com/contributor/marcia-kester-doyle/

     Today on the blog I have author Shari Bender, who just happens to be a peri-menopausal mama. When I read her guest post, I found myself laughing and nodding my head in agreement at her experiences because I have certainly been in her shoes for a long time. I have a hunch many of you will relate to her tale.....



Then and Now: My Peri-menopausal Journey
Shari Bender is an empty-nesting peri-menopausal mama.  She earned her BA in Communication from Stanford University in 1992 and currently works as Communication and Marketing Director for a large electrical firm on Long Island.  Shari is a cat-loving spiritual vegan who loves embracing her empty-nest along with her husband of 27 years. Her musings are featured regularly on Grown & Flown.

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, four bloggers are welcoming you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind closed doors.

     Every now and then I enjoy looking back on past Fly On The Wall posts and reading some of the funnier comments made by family members. Today, I'm sharing my favorites from 2016 (with the startling realization that not much has changed around here in four years---my family is still nuts).

HUBS: "My legs and knees are so sore and stiff from driving in this car for five hours, I can barely stand. It's a good thing no one is trying to rob us at gunpoint right now because I wouldn't be able to run. I'd just hand over my wallet and tell them they're welcome."

SON: (attempting to iron his shirt) "Who the heck put the iron setting on wool, for god sake?"
HUBS: "I did. I ironed sheep yesterday."

INSURANCE SALES REP: (on the phone with my husband): "Mr. Doyle, I'll need you to sign the insurance documents we sent to you, then scan and email them back to me. You do know how to do this, right?"
HUBS: "Are you kidding me? My wife and I are so old, we still use Wells Fargo to deliver everything by horse."

HUBS: "For us, the saying 'Ride or Die' is the equivalent of sitting in a motorized wheelchair and pretending we're Peter Fonda reliving his role in Easy Rider."

HUBS: "Isn't it cool to think we're staying at a hotel on Aviles street---the oldest street built in the U.S.?"
ME: "As old as you are today, I would think you'd recall watching them build it."

HUBS: "You carry enough cheese sticks in your purse to open your own dairy farm."

ME: "There's some leftover steak in the fridge if you're hungry."
HUBS: "No thanks. I still have a couple of hooves in me from last night's dinner."

ME: "Look at that giant harvest moon!"
SON: "What is it harvesting?"
ME: "Your brain cells."
HUBS: "That will be a small harvest...."

HUBS: "You know you're old when you have to drive with a knee brace on."


ME: "Why are you breathing so heavy?"
HUBS: "I'm practicing Lamaze for when I give birth to my holiday food baby. "

SON: "The hot dogs have gone rogue. They abandoned their packaging and fell down into a bin at the bottom of the fridge."
HUBS: "Yeah, I know about that bin---our refrigerator is an official wiener collector. "

ME: "Why do you take a nap on the couch an hour or two before going to bed at night?"
HUBS: "It's a part of my 'Pre-Sleep' ritual."

HUBS: "I ate too much of that Cuban picadillo tonight. I'm crop-dusting beans and rice everywhere I walk. "

ME TO MY DAUGHTER: "Of course I won't tell anyone what happened. I understand the girl's code of silence."
HUBS: "Since when do girls know how to keep silent?"


     My husband just might be right about that. After all, nothing is too sacred when it comes to these Fly On The Wall posts....


****WANT MORE MENO MAMA? You can find my latest work for CONSIDERABLE here: https://www.considerable.com/contributor/marcia-kester-doyle/

     Ahhh yes, it's Valentine's Day---the most dreaded day of the year for the majority of the male population. No one needs a GPS to find their man after work on this particular holiday. They're lined up at the drugstore card counter, sweaty palms leafing through pink and red cards on the stands. Turn down the next aisle and you'll find them grabbing heart-shaped boxes filled with chocolates off the shelf. If they're lucky, they might even find a few rose bouquets left in the cooler near the checkout counter. Nothing says "You're The Love Of My Life," than a last-minute discount gift from a drugstore.

     But there are gifts that are far worse.....and if your significant other gives you any of the following items, you have my condolences on Valentine's day......


1. A BOGO sale on pre-approved cemetery plots

2. Edible beef jerky underwear.

3. Milk chocolates made from molds of your lover's unmentionables.

4. His ex-girlfriend's favorite cologne, White Shoulders.

5. Novelty toilet paper with your boyfriend's image printed on each sheet (nothing says LOVE like wiping your backside with your man's face).
6. Sparkling rose wine bottled in the basement of his cousin's home in Asbury Park, NJ.

7. Paper roses made from recycled buffalo dung.

8. Jenny Craig lifetime membership.


9. A pregnant hamster.

10. Twelve wilted roses bought from a shady- looking guy who approached your car window when you were stopped at a red light.

11. Nose hair trimmer, bikini wax kit, and his & her tongue scraper set.
12. A sensor-activated Build-A-Bear with a continual song loop of "Every Breath You Take."

     Here's to hoping you have a very NORMAL Valentine's Day with a cheesy, sentimental card and a box of cream-filled chocolates to celebrate love. Cheers!


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Check out my weekly contributions to CONSIDERABLE, the website where I'm a regular content creator now. (LOVE MY JOB!!) You can find my work  here: https://www.considerable.com/contributor/marcia-kester-doyle/