Menopausal Mother

     Okay, I messed up. I forgot to post my Fly On The Wall blog last month! And May was such an outstanding month! I guess I have been a little too distracted lately, (i.e. extremely forgetful!) but after decorating my office with Post-It Notes for this month's FOTW, I remembered to write it! So here we are with another edition of the Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado.

     I'm going to tap into last month's fun for today's post. The fly saw us being social butterflies--so many fun activities going on (yay for summer!). We attended a local festival one night and got to see all the neighbors, then we were invited to a pontoon boat party which was a blast. We celebrated a few birthdays with family and then of course there was Mother's Day---another extraordinary day spent with the people I love most. As always, the conversations were ripe with humor and sarcasm---at least the ones I remember!

 

"I love this old photo of you, Hon. Look how young you were."

     And that's a wrap! I promise to write myself more reminder notes in July so that I don't forget to post the next FOTW. In the meantime, I'm heading to the nearest barn to find myself a cow.....

This was the BEST day! As you can see in the pic, we had a fun group on the pontoon. If you look really hard, you'll see me with Mac squished somewhere in the middle of the group, ha-ha!!

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA?? I've been busy!! You can find me over at AARP talking about the benefits of my Zumba classes HERE  and some yummy meatless meals HERE plus the best way to care for your teeth HERE. If you watched the Belmont Stakes and you want to know a little history on the race, check out my latest for Always Pets HERE or info on a puppy's first year of life HERE and facts on the American Bulldog HERE plus the animals with the shortest lifespans HERE

 

Buzz around these other blogs for a peek into some other homes:

 

Baking In A Tornado   https://www.BakingInATornado.com

                                

The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver         https://thediaryofanalzheimerscaregiver.com/blog.html/

 
     If you've never been to a renaissance festival, you're missing out on a chance to travel back in time to the 15th century. Where else will you experience an archaic privy, royal encampments, pirate raids and stout for breakfast?
     I'm a fourteen year veteran of the renaissance festival, and here are 10 reasons why you should lace up your boots, tighten your corset and visit the local faire:

1.  ROLE PLAYING:  Other than Halloween, this is the only time of year you can fly your freak flag by wearing a pirate hat, fairy wings, a king's crown or a cat mask. There's no social hierarchy among the attendees of a renaissance festival----CEOs dressed as saucy wenches rub elbows with middle school janitors in royal garb. No one cares about your net worth or your upbringing. The only thing you'll be judged on at the faire is your swordsmanship and beer drinking skills.

2.  FOOD:  Turkey legs. Fried pickles. Chocolate covered bacon on a stick. Did they have all of these delicacies during the renaissance era? No. Would they have wanted them? Heck yeah!

3.  GAMES:  This is a great place to test your skills in axe throwing, archery and jousting. A word of warning: the chances of you winning any of these tournaments is as likely as finding the Holy Grail under the tool shed in your backyard. If you're lucky, you might win the consolation prize---- a t-shirt that reads, "I RODE ON A UNICORN HORN AT THE FAIRE!"

4.  REN PORN:  There's more exposed skin at the faire than you'll find on a beach in Nice. Women wear gowns with necklines down to their navels and the men in tights leave little (or a LOT) to the imagination. You'll see tattoos in places you never thought possible. The manly men in kilts will keep you guessing as to whether or not they're wearing a boulder brace or going commando under their plaid skirts.

5.  LIBATIONS:  If you don't have the taste buds for warm mead in a wooden mug, don't worry. There are plenty of rum runners and frozen mojitos at the faire's pub. If these wicked libations were available back in the 1400's, there would have been less wars and more napping.

6.  RIDES:  What sets the renaissance festival rides apart from carnival rides is the lack of electricity. When you climb into a spinning barrel or a giant, rocking horse, the ride is powered by sheer muscle. In other words, a burly man in tights will be in control of your mortality when you board the swinging pirate ship. Avoid any ride named, "The Hurlinator." This is especially important if you've consumed a large plate of sausage and peppers washed down with too many mugs of mead.

7.  PEOPLE WATCHING:  Where else can you find a parade of wenches, cardinals and knights? The costumes tend to alter the personalities of the people wearing them…..especially if they've added rum floaters to a few of those frozen concoctions from the pub.  Just steer clear of the man dressed as a polka dotted caterpillar.


8.  VENDORS:  There is an abundance of arts and crafts available if you like unusual souvenirs that you'll never use again….such as a didgeridoo and a horned Viking helmet. DON'T take the didgeridoo to work to show your friends. Blowing into the large, wooden instrument to replicate the sound of an injured buffalo is NOT conducive to a happy work atmosphere……unless you buy a pipe for everyone in the office and break out into an impromptu didgeridoo concert during lunch hour.

9.  SHOWS:  If you're looking for Disney quality shows, you're in the wrong century. There is nothing G-rated about the festival's bawdy humor, musicals or daredevil acts. But you WILL laugh hard enough that a quick trip to a privy might be necessary. If you like men with long poles on horses, then the jousting show is for you.

10. ROMANCE:  Nothing is more romantic than being surrounded by people dressed like characters from the cover of a bodice-ripping, romance novel. Love is in the air….along with alcohol and revealing clothes. Welcome to 50 Shades Of Renaissance Grey.

     At the end of the day when you leave with a big bag of kettle corn tucked under your arm, you'll be thankful to return to your modern day conveniences. Nothing beats air conditioning and indoor plumbing….except maybe a slow roasted turkey leg.



Menopausal Mother has been featured on several sites this week. This is where you can also find me:
http://humorwriters.org/2014/03/05/7-deadly-sins-menopause
http://midlifeboulevard.com/12-signs-youre-menopause-isnt-fun
http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/the-vitamin-shop          

 
 "Hello, my name is Marcia and I'm a facebookaholic." Yes, I'm coming clean about my addiction. Not a day goes by that I don't crave a fix in the form of a status update, a handful of "likes"or stalking the pages of my friends. If I go too many hours without a connection, I get fidgety and cranky. My palms sweat if I'm unable to answer my phone when it jangles with a notification from someone commenting on my status. I have nightmares of being lost in a jungle with no WiFi, and I've been known to scream at my internet provider during a hurricane if I'm unable to access my online connections.

     My addiction has disrupted my family life and affected my health. I now suffer from NBS (Numb Butt Syndrome), a direct result of sitting in a chair for hours while trolling through Facebook. Cooking and cleaning have taken a backset to my obsession. My poor family has been forced to survive on frozen dinners that have been sitting in the back of my freezer since 2005. I'm farming dust bunnies under all the beds and my cobweb festooned house closely resembles
Miss Havisham's home in Dickens' Great Expectations. My family finally reached a breaking point and staged an intervention after I whipped out my cell phone in the emergency room to check on stats while the doctor stitched up my injured hand.  They sent me to rehab for my addiction and presented me with a "Just Say No To Facebook" t-shirt after I completed the five step program.

     Sadly, it was all in vain. I could NEVER give up Facebook. It's my lifeline to a community of friends.  I'm not prepared to sacrifice my voyeuristic peek into the world that Facebook offers. I know what my friends eat, where they go for fun, what their kids are up to, how often their dog poops and where they shop for rash ointment.
     The only problem with Facebook is that it has very few guidelines for users to adhere to. You can get away with just about anything you post on your wall. During the election, the political bashing was unconscionable, but I muddled through it in order to read posts from others like me who steered clear of using the site as a political platform for sharing opinions.
     Facebook should design a manual that advises against the following:

GAME REQUESTS:  There are plenty of addicting games out there that border on being cultish. I avoid them like the plague. The amount of time I spend on the internet is long enough without needing to mainline Candy Crush or ask someone to buy me a pig for my virtual farm.

SELFIES:  I enjoy looking at profile pictures, but after awhile the selfies all start looking the same. They're usually taken at a high angle so that the person in the picture looks like they've had a face lift or Botox injections. Okay, so I'm guilty of selfies like this....but so is most of the female population over the age of forty.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION:  I don't need to know that the Burrito Supreme you just inhaled at Taco Hell is making you poop out a tri-colored bean piñata.

PHOTO TAGGING:  REAL friends do not tag you in unflattering pictures. It defeats the purpose of all your selfies. Nothing is worse than strolling through Lowe's to check out the sprinkler head assortment while someone is out there tagging you in a picture from last year's holiday office party. You know the one----it's that pesky photo of you when you were drunk and riding on the shoulder's of one of your coworkers....with an alligator snout on your face.

FAMILY DRAMA:  I don't want to read Act Three of your family argument over the cousin who slept with your sister's boyfriend, or the in-law who swears he didn't father your neighbor's new baby. If you want the whole world in on your drama, apply for a guest spot on The Jerry Springer Show.

HEALTH ISSUES:  It's not necessary to share the details of your uncle's testicular problems or your recent bout with a bladder infection. If you're seriously depressed, share it privately with your closest friends or seek professional help rather than cause alarm among the hundred or so people who follow your status updates. Unless you're hoping your friends send you sympathy chocolate... in that case, it just might be worth a large box of Godivas.

VACATION PICTURES:  Although I am happy for friends fortunate enough to be able to afford a little R&R, I'm also a tad bit jealous. While they're sipping wine at an outdoor cafe in the south of France, I'm vacuuming up dog hair clots and scooping Tootsie Rolls out of the cat's litter box.


     So why, if I have all of these complaints, am I still addicted to Facebook? In a nutshell: FRIENDS. We share funny jokes and memes, support one another through the tough times and celebrate our victories together. I can connect with people I haven't seen since grade school on the internet while still in pajamas and curlers in my hair. It's like one big online reunion minus the pricey reservations or stress over what makeup and clothing will shave ten years off my appearance. They have my selfies for that. In the meantime, I'll be the disheveled woman behind the computer in a bathrobe fuzzy with dog hair and toast crumbs in her lap.