Menopausal Mother

 
    There's nothing worse than a writer with a blank brain, or a blank computer screen, for that matter. Right now, I'm suffering from both. Short of caving in to the advertisements for online courses that promise to restore my forgotten muse (or spending $100 an hour with Cleo the psychic to find out what evil spirit has inhabited my laptop and stolen my creativity), I've been living a double life as a sloth. Yes, that's right. I'm slothing all over the place---on the couch, in my car, on the living room floor.....wherever I can park my butt and do absolutely nothing. I know I need to snap out of this funk, but my inner kindergartner is screaming for a nap and a bag of Oreos.

     I want to get back into the writing game--I really do--but words fail me as I sit here, fingers poised over the keyboard. The good news is that I'm learning to adjust to the sloth life. My computer screen may be blank, but I've found creative ways to stay busy (and still remain sloth-like) while waiting for inspiration to strike. And my day usually starts like this:


*Drink a cup of coffee.

*Drink another cup of coffee.

*Organize papers on desk and make a to-do list that will most likely not get done.

*Join Farmville and learn how to manage imaginary livestock.

*Pluck stray nose hairs.

*Check refrigerator for snack even though there's only healthy crap in there (rubbery carrot sticks and bruised apples are NOT food for the muse).

*Experiment with different ring tones on my cell.

*Search desk drawer for hidden Easter candy that may or may not have been eaten five months ago.

*Trim toenails and make smiley faces out of the clippings.

*Check refrigerator again in the hopes that fresh pastries from the bakery have magically appeared.

*Frown at bag of rubbery carrots. Feed a few to the dog.


*Play tug of war with the dog.

*Check online farm to cultivate imaginary corn crops.

*Pick lint out of belly button. Contemplate knitting it into sweater for pet hamster.

*Scroll through old photos on cell phone and think about the good ol' days when there was plenty of inspiration for writing.

*Eat remaining rubbery carrots.

*Attempt a two-minute plank on living room carpet. Wake up one hour later.

*Take selfie next to blank computer screen.

*Pick two-week-old blue polish off fingernails.

* Investigate strange sounds in the kitchen. Clean up dog's carrot barf.

*Make three-story house and detached garage out of Post-it Notes.

*Close laptop for the day and dig through pantry for something to eat other than a potato and a can of tuna.

*Yell at television when Game Of Thrones ends.

*Set alarm and pull bed covers up over head.

*Tell self not to give up on writing career. Remember that tomorrow is new day for a fresh start.

     And for fresh pastries in the fridge.


 









  

     It has been awhile since I've deleted the junk in my SPAM folder. The last time I did it, I found all sorts if interesting invitations (you can read the post HERE). I recently did a clean sweep on my laptop and found a bevy of new, hilarious offers in my SPAM. This stuff never gets old, so it's only fair that I share the latest, HOT OFFERS with you, so that you can get in on these "awesome" deals:

1. Sexy CPAP options (the new "zoo line" masks come in zebra print or leopard spot to make bedtime more interesting).

2. Diet pills that claim you can eat like a Viking and still maintain a beach-ready, bikini body (what size is the bikini?).

3. Toenail fungus removal (complete with an amputation kit).

4. Cheap car insurance (by the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Auto Insurance Company).

5. Divorce attorneys (who also moonlight for Ashley Madison).

6. Inexpensive laser hair removal (yes, you too, can look like a plucked chicken!).

7. Miracle pills for breast enhancement (ever notice there's nothing for a breast reductions?).

8. An invitation to join a single seniors dating website for naughty fun (bringing sexy back with designer, leak-proof undergarments and crotchless support hose).

9. Miracle hearing aids guaranteed to improve hearing (in other words, your husband no longer has an excuse to tune you out).

10. Testosterone boosters ( in case you need your erection to last longer than eight hours. What kind of beast are you??).

11. Cremation burial services (why is this ad sponsored by a premium garden mulch company?).

12. Bladder solutions for an overactive bladder (the kit includes a free bottle of Super Glue).

13. Got flatulence? Try the new FLATU-CORK (12 adjustable corks to stop up your gas before you stink up a room).      

14. A message from clairvoyant John: "IMPORTANT, PLEASE OPEN" ( there's a computer virus in your future).

     Want any of these terrific deals? Just open up your SPAM folder. I'll bet it's brimming with marriage proposals from India and buy-one-get-one-free deals on plastic surgery!


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I have a crazy, funny NEW post up this week on Purple Clover! Check out "The Queen of Bad Teeth" : http://www.purpleclover.com/health/6181--queen-bad-teeth/
I also had a post featured on The Good Men Project---"10 Things I Never Imagined I Needed To Say To My Teen Son" http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/10-things-never-imagined-needed-say-teen-son-jrmk/

     If you've been having an unusually craptastic week, there's a pseudoscientific reason for your misfortune. Mercury is in retrograde from September 17 to October 9th, and this astrological phenomenon is the perfect scapegoat for everything that has gone awry in the past week.

     "Mercury Retrograde" occurs during three periods throughout the year, a time when the planet appears to stall and spin backward. Although this is an illusion caused by the rotation of the earth, many people believe that the retrograde phase is responsible for wreaking havoc during each of these three-and-a-half week periods. Mercury is the ruling planet of communication, so it stands to reason that while in retrograde, communication, travel and technology go haywire, causing a certain degree of pandemonium on earth. Computers crash for no reason, cell phones erase info, emails are lost and transportation is a nightmare.


     It doesn't stop there. Staunch believers of Mercury's trickery advise against signing important documents, traveling, starting a new job, moving, getting married, or launching a new business venture during retrograde.

     I've had my own share of misfortunes in the past week; my car died, my husband was in a car accident (not hurt, thankfully) and one of my sweet pets died in her sleep. I've also had a few heated debates with friends and even engaged in a ridiculous argument with my husband one night over the Miami Dolphins….and I don't even watch football.

     I'd love to blame Mercury for my bad luck, but rather than focus on my misfortune, I prefer to think of all the good things that the retrograde phase might do for me. If everything is spinning backward, that means I might have a second chance at enjoying some of the things I miss:


*My old metabolism. Maybe I can go back to eating chicken wings, donuts, and cheeseburgers without gaining a pound.

*High energy. I'd like to be as energetic as I was when I was a kid with the motivation to run around the playground, climb a jungle gym or sail down a hot metal slide without getting second degree burns on my chunky thighs.

*Good music. Pat Benetar, Journey, The Cars, Peter Gabriel, Toto, The Police…..the list goes on and on. I'd rather listen to them than some dude singing, "Now watch me whip, watch me nae nae…"

*Size eight clothing. It sure would be nice to fit into that size again, since right now the fabric from one of those tiny t-shirts would barely cover one arm.

*Required nap time. In kindergarten, we played all morning, ate lunch, then pulled out our mats and blankets to sleep for an hour. When we woke up, the nice teacher handed out graham crackers and milk. I want to go back to kindergarten….for adults. And the nice teacher hands out margaritas with chips and queso dip.

*My stamina. I could stay out all night and party like a rock star when I was in my twenties. Now I can't even make it to the dinner hour without three cups of coffee to prop me up.

*80's fashion. Shoulder pads, parachute pants and velour jumpsuits. Just kidding. Pajama jeans and yoga pants work fine.

Come to think of it, now that there's a Clinton and a Bush running for office again, who knows? Maybe there's something to the lore of Mercury in retrograde, after all.