Friday, October 3, 2014

Got SPAM?

     If I don't clean out my SPAM folder regularly, it builds up like a mountain of junk mail. This triggers my OCD tendencies, forcing me to delete every item on the page until it's clutter free.

     Occasionally, a valid email accidentally ends up in the junk pile, which requires a slow scroll through each message to make sure I'm not erasing anything important.

    My life would be pretty exciting if the special deals offered to me via SPAM were real. I'd have unlimited spending on a platinum card, life insurance for just a penny a day, an awesome credit score, the winning sweepstakes ticket and a reverse mortgage on my house. I'd also have a marriage proposal from a Russian bride named Svetlana, miracle pills for bigger breasts, access to a married dating service and a cure for erectile dysfunction.

     Lately, I've been noticing a disturbing trend in my junk emails. Whoever (or whatever) is sending me these daily notifications assumes that I need breakthrough diabetes medication, free Ray-Ban sunglasses, fungus removal and dates with all of the "HOT BRAZILIAN  MEN" trolling my online profile for a perfect match.

     Another thing I don't understand is why I'm receiving a multitude of penis enhancement ads. These messages include clever slogans such as, "Size Matters" and, "When Small Is A Dirty Word." The free pill samples promise to help "Get bigger, last longer, stay harder." Who wants genitalia the size of an elephant's? Anyone with an erection lasting longer than eight hours should be considered a human tripod.

     I'm also getting plenty of offers for toenail fungus removal. The last time I checked, no one in my family was growing a mushroom factory under their toenails. There's no fungus among us.

     Since I have a bladder the size of a kidney bean, it's no surprise that I receive emails from concerned medical professionals who want to send me a free, Do-It-Yourself catheter kit. Of course, their gift comes with a warning: "Please read directions carefully---do NOT insert catheter in the wrong area." Thankfully, they're offering me the self-lubricated brand, otherwise it would feel like sandpaper in my nether regions.

     According to my SPAM mail, I've also been invited to unlock Adriana's "naughty picture album." What the message doesn't reveal is that Adriana is ninety-four-year-old great grandma performing her pole dancing act on the geriatric ward.

   
     It's a good thing I check my notifications daily, otherwise I would have missed the news that I won a $5000 trip to Maui. The downside is that I didn't claim my prize within 24 hours, so I'm stuck with a three-day trip to Luckenback, Texas, via Greyhound Bus and a check for $12.50.

     Another interesting fact I learned from my SPAM page is that people are doing background checks on me through the criminal records archives. First of all, I don't have a criminal record. But if I did, the only thing I'd get busted for is stealing extra ketchup from the hot dog stand or nabbing several packets of sweetener off a table at The Olive Garden.  I wonder how much jail time I'd serve for that chicken drumstick I smuggled out for my dog from the all-you-can-eat buffet?

     If I ever need a new car, I know where to find one. I'm inundated with ads for affordable sports cars. They may look like Corvettes on the outside, but I'm betting these vehicles are missing their floorboards. How else could they be so cheap? I'd have to use my Fred Flintstone feet and run like a hamster on a wheel to get the car going. At least my family wouldn't have to worry about me drag racing down I-95.

     There's also some great weight loss deals advertised in my junk emails. For a low price, I can receive the secret Paleo diet that all the celebrities use. What? Eat steak every day and lose weight? Count me in!

     If the Paleo diet doesn't work, there's always the special fat buster offers that clog my inbox. Fat busters work like Ghost Busters---they zap unwanted cells until they shrink and disappear. "Who you gonna call? FAT BUSTERS!"

     My all-time favorite SPAM notifications are the ones that ask me if I'm interested in meeting "SINGLE SENIORS 50+ NEAR YOU."

     Please define "50 Plus." What if my blind date shows up with a walker and a urostomy bag? Will our date include a ride on the senior citizen's bus to the Early Bird Special at Denny's? Will I be required to wear compression socks and orthotic sandals? I might be more enticed by the ad if it included the slogan, "Where Seniors Meet to Nip Whiskey and Play Bocce Ball."

     And now if you'll please excuse me, I need to order my miracle breast enhancement pills, grab my free Ray-Bans and set a wedding date with Svetlana.



***Want more Meno Mama? This week I was featured on Better After 50 discussing my battle with body dysmorphic disorder and my eating disorder. You can read it here: http://betterafter50.com/2014/09/coming-to-terms-with-my-life-long-weight-problem/

66 comments:

  1. Hey where are my Brazilian men Marsha... lol

    I am always amazed at spam email...it never has anything to do with what I am interested in... and thankfully I don't have those issues yet... I love the ones that ask for my personal information as if it's dire... first I won't be giving it out, second good luck to them if they can get anything from it either... :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I know, right? I swear, I get at LEAST 10 penis enhancement emails a day!

      Delete
  2. I'm so glad I'm not the only one getting penis enhancement spam! I don't really notice the rest of the junk because I'm so busy counting those.

    I like my penis just the way it is, thank you.

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  3. You just said what we are all thinking, meno mom!!
    Chris

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    Replies
    1. HAHAHA!!! Good to know that everyone else has the same crazy thoughts that I do!

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  4. Replies
    1. I'll bet you'd like that, huh? Bwahahaha!!!

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  5. I have been soooo very fortunate to win vast amounts of moula from a Nigerian lotto. I don't know what I will do with all of it ;)

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    1. HAHAHAHA!!!! I'll share some of my free, toenail fungus medication samples with you!

      Delete
  6. It gets even better when you're traveling a lot like us... you know those ads that show up on your webmail accounts? Meet beautiful women in (the town you happen to be in)? Apparently, these ladies get around, 'cause the same ones are waiting for me whether I'm in Walla Walla or New York City! -Veronica

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    1. LOL I've been getting a "MEET ASIAN HOTTIES" a lot lately, too.

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  7. Lots of FREE iPads in my spam, it's a miracle Apple is making any money at all they way they're giving them away!

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  8. I tend to get the penis enlargement ones quite often as well as the ones encouraging me to have an affair. Yea, that's okay. I'll pass. I have enough trouble with one dude. I don't need to add another one to my life other than as a friend.

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    1. My hubs had one that read, "Have sex every day with a different partner" to which he added: "And get STDs every night!!!"

      Delete
  9. Hi Marcia! I have a blog friend who says she never gets SPAM. How is that possible? I get it constantly. I was on a blog break so I didn't check my blog much. One time, I had 74 spam messages. Where is this fabulous spam filter I'm supposed to have?
    Oh yes, penis enlargement. Also, I have to laugh at the ones that bemoan the spam they get, and wonder if I know how to stop it. REALLY? I have thought about having a 'favorite spam message' contest, but I don't know how that would go over...especially if there are people who never get it.
    It's nice to know I'm not the only one.
    Oh, and how about the ones who keep telling that joke about the seashell and the crab? OY. Get over it already!!!
    With a huff,
    Ceil

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear ya!! Too funny----I'm getting about 30-40 SPAM messages a day and it is driving me nuts! I have no clue how it's possible that someone is NOT receiving these dumb messages….I want so badly to respond to them….

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  11. Well, I am so glad it's not just me that is the target of this crazy spam stuff! Yours are just as weird as mine!

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    1. Ohhhhh Phil, I'm betting yours are even weirder……LOL!

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  12. Sorry to have caused you all this trouble. Clearly I was only thinking of myself when I gave all those stalkers your email address attempting to get them off of my back (or out of my spam folder). Karma's a bitch though, and I've still got them all too. And I think they're multiplying like cockroaches.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Hahahahaha I tried to write "Shudders" in brackets but my blog wouldn't let me post it!

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  13. you had me at hot Brazilian men...

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    1. LOL I have to admit----it peaked my curiosity, too. Brazilians are sexy as hell…..

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  14. I thought I was the spam Queen. Such a funny post Marcia!

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  15. I used to get about 150 pieces a day until I diligently began blocking every single one of them every day for about six months. Today, I only get about three per day, and they are often legit. Facebook notifications however, still get hundreds of those! Much better than stinky old SPAM though! Great piece!

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    1. Thanks, Stephanie! I need to start blocking them too, because it is wrecking havoc on my OCD!

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  16. The thing is I ONLY get spam. My inbox is empty and I get very depressed...even a spammer is someone that needs me. Maybe I need a little therapy.

    b+

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  17. You guys crack me up!! I'm LMAO at the pictures! I've been getting a ton of spam mails lately and a disturbing number of them are from divorce attorneys. ??? Do they know something I don't know? And me and my OCD do the same thing you and yours do - we have to clean out the clutter. I do it with the spam comments on the blog too.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I've gotten a few for divorce lawyers but mostly I get penis enhancement ads along with "HOT SINGLES IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD!" I don't think they could possibly be talking about my neighborhood----all the HOT guys are married mid-lifers!!

      Delete
  18. I am still waiting on all the money the spam has promised me and also for the brides. I could really use a wife... and a penis ;)

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    Replies
    1. I could use a few extra wives around here to pick up the slack….

      Delete
  19. We're getting tons of the viagra spam emails right now - do they know something I don't? My hubby is very disturbed! Have a great weekend!

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    Replies
    1. I still can't figure out why I'm the one getting Viagra spam. Hubs is getting the vaginal mesh emails…..

      Delete
  20. I really thought I left a comment on here earlier....maybe it went to the spam box. for some reason when I use IE 10 I cannot comment on your posts so I have to switch to another browser (which I did) and try and leave a comment (which I did) but it disappeared. Well, lets try again....

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  21. Love it! I did laugh when a recent piece of SPAM arrived offering to make my penis bigger so I could fill that "hole" in my life. Happy Weekend.

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  22. Very funny. I get them all as well but not in my spam! My student loans can be helped and the miracle that goes by the name of Martha Stewart.

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  23. OH your spam sounds SO MUCH better than mine! Of course, I haven't actually checked mine in quite awhile. I set up another entire Yahoo email for everything non-essential, this way when companies sell my email address, the spam goes to THAT fake email address, instead of my real email address. Genius, kind of, except every time I need to find a Kohl's coupon, I have to wade through THOUSANDS of junk emails because I never go and clean it out. Sometimes when I think of it, I can't remember the login because it's been so long since the last time I logged in to it. I could use some "Memory Pills" spam emails, ey?

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    1. I'll forward the miracle pill emails to you!

      Delete
  24. Wow i think this site is very amazing.Thanks for sharing such a wonderful site with us..This was actually what i was looking for..

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  25. You have a much more interesting spam folder than me. All I get is gambling promotions. I'm glad I don't get the weight loss emails because it would make me paranoid and I'd assume I was being deliberately targeted.

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    1. LOL I was thinking the same thing about MY spam!!!

      Delete
  26. I had gone for the longest time without getting any spam emails but over the summer they were suddenly cropping up again. It's good to know someone out there is genuinely concerned about the size of my penis.

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    1. There seems to be a lot of that going around these days…..

      Delete
  27. I was getting spam for a while from Women seeking Women....??? - so strange. But the thing that really cracked me up about your post is that my 43 year-old sister-in-law is named Svetlana. Maybe she was a secret Russian bride in a past life (she is Russian!)

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    1. OMG too funny! I get so many spams about singles of every race and gender….do these people think I'm that lonely???

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  28. This is hilarious. I rarely venture into my spam folder but right now a lot is geared towards pregnancy. Fit pregnancy! Relax! Treat yourself! Buy a bunch of maternity clothes! And some baby clothes. Ugh.

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    1. I WISH at my age that someone mistook me for being pregnant and sent me maternity SPAM. Only thing I'm carrying these days is a food baby...

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  29. I get so much spam it's ridiculous! I get a lot of the whole "I'll give you 1 million bucks if you give me your account info!"

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    1. Oh yes----I get the sweepstakes thing a lot but the catch is I have to give them my bank account number so that they can do a direct deposit……yeah, right….

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  30. I don't get nearly as much spam as I used to, but the stuff seems to be more "direct targeted" to me, which is terribly annoying. I've gotta tell you, I'm about getting sick of those emails offering to help me get rid of my ugly belly fat...

    And have ya noticed what atrocious spellers most spammers are?

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    1. HAHAHA!!! I just got a belly fat one yesterday! Yeah, they are DEFINITELY targeting me---bad spelling and all.

      Delete
  31. LOL! You put such a funny spin on it! I emptied my Spam folder today...before I did that one email caught my eye because I thought it was from someone I knew, it was from some girl offering to touch my breasts and give me a bj...yes, she said bj!!!lol! OMG....I mean seriously, these Spammers are a mess!lol! Thanks for the laugh!

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    1. I. Would. Die. Holy moly, how do those spammers get away with that stuff???

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  32. Oh, the SPAM. My favorite lately is pretty blunt. It starts out by saying, "We're a few ladies starting a scheme in your neighborhood." Good God. Who says that? I must admit, Svetlana sounds hot. Hahahahaha :)

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    1. You HAVE to tell me what those ladies are up to! What's the scheme? Swingers?

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    2. Probably. Just throw your keys in the bowl... :)

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  33. Oh, how we love to hate spam except, probably, the one in can. :-)

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