Menopausal Mother

     If I don't clean out my SPAM folder regularly, it builds up like a mountain of junk mail. This triggers my OCD tendencies, forcing me to delete every item on the page until it's clutter free.

     Occasionally, a valid email accidentally ends up in the junk pile, which requires a slow scroll through each message to make sure I'm not erasing anything important.

    My life would be pretty exciting if the special deals offered to me via SPAM were real. I'd have unlimited spending on a platinum card, life insurance for just a penny a day, an awesome credit score, the winning sweepstakes ticket and a reverse mortgage on my house. I'd also have a marriage proposal from a Russian bride named Svetlana, miracle pills for bigger breasts, access to a married dating service and a cure for erectile dysfunction.

     Lately, I've been noticing a disturbing trend in my junk emails. Whoever (or whatever) is sending me these daily notifications assumes that I need breakthrough diabetes medication, free Ray-Ban sunglasses, fungus removal and dates with all of the "HOT BRAZILIAN  MEN" trolling my online profile for a perfect match.

     Another thing I don't understand is why I'm receiving a multitude of penis enhancement ads. These messages include clever slogans such as, "Size Matters" and, "When Small Is A Dirty Word." The free pill samples promise to help "Get bigger, last longer, stay harder." Who wants genitalia the size of an elephant's? Anyone with an erection lasting longer than eight hours should be considered a human tripod.

     I'm also getting plenty of offers for toenail fungus removal. The last time I checked, no one in my family was growing a mushroom factory under their toenails. There's no fungus among us.

     Since I have a bladder the size of a kidney bean, it's no surprise that I receive emails from concerned medical professionals who want to send me a free, Do-It-Yourself catheter kit. Of course, their gift comes with a warning: "Please read directions carefully---do NOT insert catheter in the wrong area." Thankfully, they're offering me the self-lubricated brand, otherwise it would feel like sandpaper in my nether regions.

     According to my SPAM mail, I've also been invited to unlock Adriana's "naughty picture album." What the message doesn't reveal is that Adriana is ninety-four-year-old great grandma performing her pole dancing act on the geriatric ward.

   
     It's a good thing I check my notifications daily, otherwise I would have missed the news that I won a $5000 trip to Maui. The downside is that I didn't claim my prize within 24 hours, so I'm stuck with a three-day trip to Luckenback, Texas, via Greyhound Bus and a check for $12.50.

     Another interesting fact I learned from my SPAM page is that people are doing background checks on me through the criminal records archives. First of all, I don't have a criminal record. But if I did, the only thing I'd get busted for is stealing extra ketchup from the hot dog stand or nabbing several packets of sweetener off a table at The Olive Garden.  I wonder how much jail time I'd serve for that chicken drumstick I smuggled out for my dog from the all-you-can-eat buffet?

     If I ever need a new car, I know where to find one. I'm inundated with ads for affordable sports cars. They may look like Corvettes on the outside, but I'm betting these vehicles are missing their floorboards. How else could they be so cheap? I'd have to use my Fred Flintstone feet and run like a hamster on a wheel to get the car going. At least my family wouldn't have to worry about me drag racing down I-95.

     There's also some great weight loss deals advertised in my junk emails. For a low price, I can receive the secret Paleo diet that all the celebrities use. What? Eat steak every day and lose weight? Count me in!

     If the Paleo diet doesn't work, there's always the special fat buster offers that clog my inbox. Fat busters work like Ghost Busters---they zap unwanted cells until they shrink and disappear. "Who you gonna call? FAT BUSTERS!"

     My all-time favorite SPAM notifications are the ones that ask me if I'm interested in meeting "SINGLE SENIORS 50+ NEAR YOU."

     Please define "50 Plus." What if my blind date shows up with a walker and a urostomy bag? Will our date include a ride on the senior citizen's bus to the Early Bird Special at Denny's? Will I be required to wear compression socks and orthotic sandals? I might be more enticed by the ad if it included the slogan, "Where Seniors Meet to Nip Whiskey and Play Bocce Ball."

     And now if you'll please excuse me, I need to order my miracle breast enhancement pills, grab my free Ray-Bans and set a wedding date with Svetlana.



***Want more Meno Mama? This week I was featured on Better After 50 discussing my battle with body dysmorphic disorder and my eating disorder. You can read it here: http://betterafter50.com/2014/09/coming-to-terms-with-my-life-long-weight-problem/

     We've all seen those late night commercials that advertise products we can't live without. Gadgets that some lucky joker invented in the basement of his home with scissors, duct tape and a broken fan. My gut reaction to these commercials is always the same: WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!? I've gotten sucked into these ads more times than I care to admit, and I have a closet full of weird junk to prove it. Right now they're collecting dust in a pile labeled, "Garage Sale Crap" that I need to foist on some other bargain hunting sucker.

     I'm going to save you some time and money by sharing my experiences on these generic, off-brand items with you. And yes, you're welcome.


GINFOO KNIFE SET

     When you first get your knives, they're sharp enough to cut through a rock. But after using them to whittle logs into miniature chipmunks for your novelty store, they won't cut through a tomato. Or a mattress tag.


GREY ROOTS BE GONE

     Be careful how you use this product. Don't spray it directly on your head in a rush or else you'll end up looking like you've been dunked in tar or be mistaken for a startled ferret.

CLEAN NEW

     This is designed to wipe clean your car, not your backside. If you're using it in the bathroom, chances are you thought you ordered a similarly named product, "Clean Poo." ***Never order items from an 800 number when you've been drinking or if your eye glasses are missing.

CANKLE GENIE

     This genie may support your cankles fine, but if you rub it several times, don't expect it to grant you three wishes.

MAGNETIC WAISTBAND EXTENDERS

     These are great if you've gained a little weight, but be wary of walking through an airport scanner. You'll end up with a pat down that will either make your day or leave you feeling dirty.

SNUGGLE BUGGLE 

     Everybody deserves a comfortable, Snuggle Buggle blanket/robe, but a word of warning: if your Snuggle is brown, don't wear it out in public or else people will think you're a monk.

SAMPOW 

     This is more like a SamPad missing the Pow. Too small to do any good, unless you like cleaning with a rag the size of a moist towelette.

JAMMY JEANS

     You can go to church in them and shop in them, but these comfy pants still need a button fly in the front for easy access, especially if you're a guy. Think of the funny looks a man will get when he has his jammy jeans pooling at his ankles while peeing in a sports stadium urinal.

PIGGLY WIGGLY BOWL

     Everything tastes better wrapped in bacon, right? Obviously the inventor of Piggly Wiggly Bowl thought so, too. But he forgot two things: to include a free cholesterol test and a warning that excessive use will cause rapid weight gain. I'm thinking this product needs to be renamed, "Heart Attack in a Bowl."

BIG PEOPLE WEARABLE ANIMALS 

     If you've ever wanted to crawl inside a stuffed animal and become one with it, this is the product for you. The ad states that these outfits are comfortable enough for casual dress, but this also means you can't wear them to a wedding, funeral or a bat mitzvah. Chances are your boss will not appreciate it if you show up to work dressed as a giant wombat, either, unless Fridays have been designated as Casual Animal Dress Day.

SEED PET HEAD

     These seeds in a clay pot grow a 1970's afro faster than you can say the word "groovy." They require a weekly visit to a hairdresser, but thank God they don't need to be scheduled for a Brazilian wax.

MIRACLE GUT GIRDLE 

     Think you can gorge on chicken wings and pizza for weeks but hide the evidence of your weight gain with a Miracle Gut Girdle? Think again. If you throw the contraption into the dryer, it'll come out four sizes smaller and cut off your circulation when you wear it. My husband claims that the restrictive fabric compressed his stomach so much that his testicles swelled three times their normal size. The upside? He's thinking his globes will make great lawn ornaments next Christmas.


     These commercials all promise that their products are the best $19.99 you'll ever spend. But wait! If you order now, you too, can eat your cholesterol-induced Piggly Wiggly Bowl while dressed as a platypus. And you'll never have to worry about gray root growth again!



***This week you can catch more Meno Mama on Midlife Boulevard, where my very first article on menopause is featured! Here's the link: http://midlifeboulevard.com/symptoms-of-menopause