Menopausal Mother

     Okay, I messed up. I forgot to post my Fly On The Wall blog last month! And May was such an outstanding month! I guess I have been a little too distracted lately, (i.e. extremely forgetful!) but after decorating my office with Post-It Notes for this month's FOTW, I remembered to write it! So here we are with another edition of the Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado.

     I'm going to tap into last month's fun for today's post. The fly saw us being social butterflies--so many fun activities going on (yay for summer!). We attended a local festival one night and got to see all the neighbors, then we were invited to a pontoon boat party which was a blast. We celebrated a few birthdays with family and then of course there was Mother's Day---another extraordinary day spent with the people I love most. As always, the conversations were ripe with humor and sarcasm---at least the ones I remember!

 

"I love this old photo of you, Hon. Look how young you were."

     And that's a wrap! I promise to write myself more reminder notes in July so that I don't forget to post the next FOTW. In the meantime, I'm heading to the nearest barn to find myself a cow.....

This was the BEST day! As you can see in the pic, we had a fun group on the pontoon. If you look really hard, you'll see me with Mac squished somewhere in the middle of the group, ha-ha!!

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA?? I've been busy!! You can find me over at AARP talking about the benefits of my Zumba classes HERE  and some yummy meatless meals HERE plus the best way to care for your teeth HERE. If you watched the Belmont Stakes and you want to know a little history on the race, check out my latest for Always Pets HERE or info on a puppy's first year of life HERE and facts on the American Bulldog HERE plus the animals with the shortest lifespans HERE

 

Buzz around these other blogs for a peek into some other homes:

 

Baking In A Tornado   https://www.BakingInATornado.com

                                

The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver         https://thediaryofanalzheimerscaregiver.com/blog.html/

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, seven bloggers are once again inviting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind their closed doors.

     The fly buzzing around my house this past month saw several birthday celebrations and a whole bucketful of love. I feel so blessed to have all of my children living nearby. I see them every weekend, and sometimes during the week. How cool is that? I am also blessed to be married to my best friend, who never fails to make me laugh no matter what curves life throws me. These are the best years of my life, and I look forward to many more birthdays with this crazy family of mine.

     Here are some snippets of conversation shared with my hubs this past month:


   

"We ate too much bean dip at the party. I'm pretty certain we'll be farting in bed all night."
"Well, don't be surprised if we wake up to find our sheets on the ceiling."

"How was your birthday trip to St. Augustine? What did you guys do?"
"Fat. We got fat."

"Why do you need another purse? You already own a gazillion of them."
"I need different colors and sizes to match my outfits."
"Then men should be able buy dozens of wallets for every occasion. A church wallet, a fine dining wallet.....a velcro one for sporting events, a casino wallet with lots of pockets, and a date night wallet with a condom holder...."
"Okay, you made your point. But I'm still buying the damn purse."

"I'm tired of food having so many calories. From now on, I'm eating off your plate because your calories don't count."


ME TO HUBS: "It's time for me to teach you how to twerk."
HUBS: (dressed in underwear and socks) "Are you making me do this because I may or may not have had too many glasses of wine tonight?"
ME: "No, I'm asking you to do it because I need to be entertained."
HUBS: (grabbing bedrail in an attempt to hold his balance while he moves his butt back and forth) "Is this the right way?"
ME: (gasping for air because I can't stop laughing) "It's right if you're trying to imitate a manatee during a mating ritual."
HUBS: "Glad I could amuse you, but I think I just threw my back out...."



"You know you're old when you have to pack a knee brace, arch support pads, and extra pain relievers for a trip."

"How's the diet going?"
"Great! I had three egg whites for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and chicken for dinner."
"Good for you---but why can't I find my six leftover chicken wings that were in the fridge?"
"I didn't say what kind of or how MUCH chicken I ate, did I?"

"Did you know that you walk like a penguin when you wake up at 3:00am to go to the bathroom?"
"Yep. I'm doing my best imitation of a Weeble wobbler because they don't fall down."

"Let's buy our Halloween candy now before the store runs out of the good stuff."
"You're not fooling anyone with that excuse. Those mini chocolate bars are for your personal stash. If I buy the treats now, there will be nothing left to pass out on Halloween except for candy corn and gum."
"After 33 years of marriage, you know me too well. Time to trade you in for a newer model..."


****WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Check out my first humor piece on ROBOT BUTT: "The Seven Neighbors Mister Rogers Never Imagined."

     Normally I love the holiday season, but the older I get, the more difficult the preparation becomes. I don't have the patience it takes to endure the crowds, the parties, the hours decorating, cooking and standing in long lines at the mall. If elves existed, I'd hire them in a nanosecond to take care of everything so that all I had to do was wake up on Christmas morning and enjoy my day. Oh wait---that already happened when I was young. The elves were my parents. And now it's my turn to play elf.

     I'll admit that menopause has made me more irritable than usual, but there are certain things about this time of year that really bring out my grinchy side:

   

   The Weather 
   
     I feel for my northern friends during the winter months. I have no clue what it's like to shovel my way out of the house each morning just to go to the Starbucks, or to search for a car buried under pounds of the white stuff.
 

    We have a different problem here in south Florida. Our winter lasts five days if we're lucky, and the only changing of the leaves occurs when the occasional palm frond turns brown and drops to the ground. I'd like a little bit of a change in the weather during the holiday season----temperatures in the sixties for a few months would be nice. It's hard to feel Christmasy when it's 80 degrees and I'm sweating through my tank top.

     I also envy the people up north who can make snow angels on their front lawns. The closet thing I have to that is thrashing around on the beach to make a sand angel. Even worse----while my northern friends are coating their pale skin with spray-on tans, I'll be coating my ridiculously green Christmas tree with spray-on snow.

I Get Fat

   The 12 days of Christmas should be called the 12 days of gorging. Why? Because the eating begins on Thanksgiving and doesn't stop until January 2nd. It's five weeks of no holds barred binging, and everything I eat contains butter. Before the Thanksgiving turkey gets cold, I have to move all my outfits that have zippers or buttons and replace them with clothing made of stretchy fabric or elastic. Whoever said the Pajama Jeans can't be worn to dinner at a nice restaurant was wrong.

Shopping

     First off, let me just say that you will NEVER catch me shopping on Black Friday. I don't want to end up in an internet video with all the other crazies elbowing their way through the electronics department. Long lines, greedy customers and rude sales people have nothing to do with the spirit of Christmas.

     I usually wait a week or two until the frenzy dies down before I hit the local mall. But it never fails that the day I decide to shop, I run into everyone from my high school graduation class. And of course this only occurs when I've left the house without a stitch of makeup on and hair that looks like a hiding place for a family of stowaway mice.

     The other thing that makes me stabby is the supposed "sale" prices that stores offer. Give me a break, Mrs. Department Store Manager---that memory foam pillow was always $50. You just wrote $100 on the tag, then slashed through it with a marker and called it a bargain at 50% off. No thanks. I'll just grab this $5 canister of tri-colored popcorn from aisle six and call my shopping day a success.

Secret Santa 

     Who the hell came up with the dumb idea of drawing names from a hat to buy cheap gifts for complete strangers at work? Nothing says "I-don't-know-you-and-I-don't-care" more than a plunger made in China from the dollar store. And what happens if you're paired up with the one co-worker you really do despise? Do you give them an enema kit?

     When in doubt about what to buy for a total stranger, grab a bar of chocolate, even if it's an off-brand and a bit stale. That's gotta be better than receiving a can of Silly String or a gift certificate to the adult video warehouse from Gerald in Accounting.

Decorations


     I don't mind decorating for Christmas, but my husband hates it. Every December this causes more strain on our marriage than our finances, our children, or the in-laws. It doesn't help that I'm a holiday hoarder, and my husband is easily overwhelmed when he sees twenty-three boxes of decorations that need to be opened. While I do all the indoor decorating, my guy is in charge of the outdoor part. The swearing begins the minute he opens the first box and sees the snarled mess of lights inside that will take at least an hour to de-tangle. This is followed by more boxes of legless deer, flattened sleighs, and a wobbly Santa that looks like he's been nipping at spiked eggnog. Putting together these holiday figurines for our front yard display is worse than trying to piece together furniture from Ikea.

     Every year my husband swears that this is the time he's putting up our holiday display and threatens to donate all twenty-three boxes of decorations to the Salvation Army. Little does he know that I plan to hit the after-Christmas sales at the store. I hear they'll be selling their Santa stock for 50% off.  

Wrapping The Gifts 

     I advise people to tackle this holiday nightmare by wrapping just a few packages at a time. Otherwise, you'll be overwhelmed after the first hour and your thumbs will be stuck together from pulling out yards of tape from the dispenser. Believe me, I've done Christmas Eve wrapping marathons before, and by 3:00 a.m., my packages looked like they'd been wrapped by rabid squirrels.

Holiday Parties   

     Every year I get invited to an "ugly sweater" party. This would be fine if it was 40 degrees outside instead of the usual 80 degrees here in December. There's nothing fun about sitting around in a hot,  hideous sweater that causes perspiration to pool under the breasts. South Floridians need to switch up this event by hosting an ugly thong party instead.

     Another thing that sucks about holiday gatherings are pot luck parties. It never fails that the one  neighbor down the street who's proud of being crafty with her budget shows up with an odd concoction made from leftover turkey gizzards, green beans and mayonnaise. Hey neighbor, if your dog won't eat it, what makes you think I will? And don't even get me started on fruit cakes. I'm convinced that there's only a handful of these nasty things in existence, and it's the same ones that just keep circling the globe, year after year. I'm pretty sure there are enough preservatives in these cakes to last a millennium.

     The other type of party that's known to scar people for life is the annual office holiday party, especially if alcohol is involved. All it takes is for some fool to sneak a little Fireball Whiskey into the punch bowl and pretty soon shit gets real. Sure enough, two hours into this fiasco, the young intern from cubicle B is yaking up cocktail wieners at her desk while the nerdy guy from the fourth floor tries to impress his female co-workers by doing The Worm. Even more nauseating is the company boss disguised as Santa, trying to coax employees to sit on his lap and whisper what they want for Christmas. You know what I want for Christmas, Santa? A fat raise and a Netflix marathon followed by eight uninterrupted hours of sleep.

Out Of Town Guests  


     I understand the concept of gathering the family together during Christmas to create the perfect Norman Rockwell moment, but if you're the person who has surrendered your home to relatives you haven't seen since you were in diapers, you're just asking for trouble. Within days you'll know every intimate detail about their bathroom habits and just how far they'll go to avoid washing the dishes after dinner. It doesn't matter if you give them a dilapidated sofa bed to sleep on or just a leaky air mattress---once they've settled in your home, they'll be harder to get rid of than a swarm of termites.

 Hip Christmas Carols  

     Call me old fashioned but I love the classics. Give me music from Handel's Messiah sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or even a little Bing Crosby, and I'm happy. But once I hear "Silent Night" transformed into a rap song, I'm ready to stick a fork in my eye. The same goes for department store muzak. How can I pick out the right size jingle bell jock strap for my husband if all I can hear blaring from the sound system is Christmas music sung by the Kardashians?

Travel

     I feel awful for the poor souls snowed in at airports during the holidays. I can't imagine what that must be like. I don't fly anymore, but I remember the frenzy of racing through the terminals after a delayed flight to make the next connection, losing my luggage, and being sandwiched in-between two men the size of sumo wrestlers on the plane. There is nothing worse than crawling over a complete stranger's lap to get to the bathroom before your bowels burst.

     Long road trips aren't much better. Icy roads, traffic jams, impatient drivers and five hour trips that turn into twenty-four hour trips....this is the reason antianxiety pills were invented.


     Hopefully my grinchy little heart will grow three sizes larger before Christmas and I'll be humming to the rap version of Silent Night while shopping for gifts. But if someone sends me a fruit cake, all bets are off.



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Last week I was featured on Purple Clover with a new version of my couples' colonoscopy story. Check out my story, "Two Royal Pains In The Ass" here: http://www.purpleclover.com/health/5622-two-royal-pains-ass/





 

     Welcome to another edition of the Fly On The Wall group posts, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today 14 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you'd see if you were a fly on the wall in their homes.

     There are days when I feel like I'm living with lunatics, but let's be honest---life would be pretty dull around here if I didn't have my crazy family around to give me the inspiration for my blog posts. Here are a few snippets of conversation that were floating around my house this week. Yeah, I know…the fly is shaking his head at me, too.


"I can't sleep. I'm thinking about coleslaw."
"You're hungry?"
"No, I just wanna know why it's called 'Coleslaw' instead of 'Coldslaw.'
"You woke me at 2:00 a.m. to ask me about coleslaw??"
"Yeah, because it's bothering me."
"I have the answer. It's called GOOGLE."

"Throwing up while wearing a mouth guard is right up there on the list of the worst things that I've had happen to me. "

"Have you seen my mind? I think I've lost it."
"Yes, you left it at the hospital after the last kid was born."

"That dog turns into a piranha pug when she sleeps in our bed. If you accidentally bump into her, she snaps. I'm too afraid to reach down and grab the covers because I might lose a limb and end up with nothing but a stub for an arm."

"I'm fat."
"I'm chafed."
"That sounds like a law firm to me. 'Got into an auto accident? Call Fat and Chafin.' Injury at work? Call the lawyers at Fat and Chafin'….. 1-800-CHUBS.'"

"Shopping at a discount grocery store that has potato chips in the same aisle with dairy products is like having an enema without the tube. Nothing is in the right place."

"We're almost empty nesters but we can't get the last egg out of the nest. It just keeps rolling back in."

"Why aren't you dancing?"
"Because I need to poop, and I'm afraid if I jiggle too hard, something is going to fall out."

"The folds of fat on my body have a dual purpose. They serve as a storage shelf for peanut M&Ms. Melt in your mouth, not in your fat fold."

"Forget calling that wedding picture you just posted on your Facebook wall as your 'Throw Back Thursday' photo. That picture should be called your 'Throw Back to the Jurassic Era photo'."


And that, folks, is just another day in the lunatic house that I call home.




***WANT MORE MENO MAMA??? Just like the fly, I've been buzzing around a lot of different websites this week, sharing the funny. Here is where you can catch more of my nonsense:

*VIBRANT NATION: A Mother's Advice To Her Son On The Eve Of His Departure For College http://www.vibrantnation.com/groups/other-topics/blog/a-mothers-advice-to-her-son-on-the-eve-of-his-departure-for-college/
*SAMMICHES & PSYCH MEDS: 8 People I Love To Hate At The Gym  http://www.sammichespsychmeds.com/8-people-i-love-to-hate-…/
*TEN TO TWENTY PARENTING: 6 Good Things About Raising Teen Boys http://tentotwenty.com/6-good-things-about-raising-teen-boys/
*DAM BLOGGERS: A Mother's Advice To Her Son On The Eve Of His Departure For College: http://dambloggers.com/a-mothers-advice-to-her-son-on-the-eve-of-his-departure-for-college/
*THE GLASS HOUSE GIRLS: **The sequel to the boys, this one is "A Letter To My Daughter On The Eve Of Her Departure For College:  http://theglasshousegirls.com/articles/the-living-room/a-letter-to-my-daughter.html


<<<<IN OTHER NEWS>>>>  My book, "Who Stole My Spandex?" is going to be reprinted---a second edition---which was picked up by the publishing house Booktrope!! I'm over the moon happy about this----it's something I've been hoping would happen for a long time. I'm looking forward to this next step as a writer and will post updates as we ride along on this crazy and wonderful publishing journey. Thank you ALL for the love and support you have given me. Meno Mama would not exist without you!!  <<HUGS>>


Please stop by and read all the funny Fly On The Wall posts by my sisters in humor:

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Baking In A Tornado. Once a month you have the opportunity to peek into the homes of 17 other bloggers' lives to see what REALLY goes on behind closed doors…if you're into that sort of thing.

Gross stuff is what's always going on around my house. We have no filters for the things we discuss here. If you get squeamish easily, this blog post might scare you off. Consider yourself warned…..


"I ate too many grits and now I have the shits."
"That sounds like a new breakfast cereal---'Grits & Shits'."

"If only toddlers came with remote controls to lower their volume."
"A mute button would work better."

"I must have been living under a rock all this time--I had no idea that duct tape came in colors other then gray."
"Of course it does! You can get it in any color you want, plus a variety of patterns. You can even get Hello Kitty duct tape."
"That's awesome! I can use duct tape instead of wallpaper to redecorate my office."
"Yep. Consider yourself duct tape educated.

"If you don't stop picking that pimple on your face, I'm going to strap a doggy cone-of-shame around your head."

ME: "There's another politician in the news today who got caught in a video sex scandal. Aren't you glad you don't have any videos like that floating around to come back and haunt you?"
HUBS: "I'm not worried---sheep don't have cameras."

"Stop doing rapid fire farts in bed while I'm trying to sleep. It keeps me awake."
"It's no worse than the neighbor's dog barking all night."
"Yeah it is, because yours are 'butt barks', and that's ten times worse."

"We're getting so fat that we're going to need a sidecar attached to our Winnebago whenever we take road trips."

"Forget about a zombie apocalypse survival kit. What we really need is a public toilet survival kit."

"Just saw a cockroach on the ceiling. Time to burn down the house. "

"I hate driving our crappy old minivan. Every time I hit the brakes, it hisses. It sounds like there's a snake coiled under my seat."

HUBS: "I have a GREAT idea for a new invention. You know how some people have large poops that clog their toilets? I think every house should have a special gadget, sort of like a spoon with a long handle, that chops it up before it's flushed. It would prevent clogging and save on embarrassing plumbing repairs. I'll market it as the 'POOPER CHOPPER'."
ME: "Seriously, dude? Why are we discussing this at the dinner table….while we're eating meatloaf?"
HUBS: "I can also invent the 'Pocket Pooper Chopper' which is a smaller version of the original one, for camping trips, sporting events or public toilets."
ME: "You're really grossing me out here…"
HUBS: "I've already figured out the commercial for it----it'll go something like this---'Buy the full size Pooper Chopper and we'll send you a free box of latex gloves. Order now and we'll also send you the Pocket Pooper Chopper for free! It works great for those long R.V. trips!'"
ME: "Okay, I'm not hungry anymore…."


NOW do you see what I mean about not having any filters around this nutso house? Don't delay---go order your Pooper Chopper today!



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm featured on What The Flicka this week with my 10 Father's Day Fails. You can read it here: http://whattheflicka.com/10-fathers-day-fails/

     Last week I admitted to the little white lies that my female peers and I are guilty of telling (you can read the post *here*), but I've decided it wouldn't be any fun if I didn't share the male side of the equation. I've gotten a few brave men to 'fess up about the lies they tell themselves and their significant others, and some of these go way beyond the usual, "Of course I don't think you look like you've gained weight" tales they eagerly tell their women in order to avoid a night in the dog house.

     Fellas, I'm betting there are quite a few remarks here that are going to sound painfully familiar to you. It's time to put down the TV remote and admit that you're just as guilty as your partner when it comes to stretching the truth like a giant rubber band. Just remember how much it stings when that band snaps back.


*I'm only going to watch one game this weekend.

*Of course I'd rather order a tofu burger from the menu than a juicy Porterhouse steak.

*Yes, it was on sale.


*If I lose a few more pounds, I can squeeze back into my Speedo.

*My wife won't notice if I leave a few dirty dishes in the sink.

*A man can never have too many flashlights. Or screw drivers.

*I don't mind taking all the kids with us on our romantic vacation to the Bahamas.

*It's okay that no one else in the family notices that the trash can is overflowing.

*I never fart in elevators.

*No honey, those jeans don't make your butt look big.

*I don't mind giving up my championship game tickets to stay home and help you pick lice out of the kids' hair.

*This isn't fat---it's muscle.

*No one will notice I'm going bald if I wear a baseball cap 24/7….or wrap this long, single strand of hair around the top of my head.

*It wasn't a mistake…. I meant to do that.

*Of course I remembered our anniversary is today.

*My in-laws won't care if I burp at the dinner table.

*It doesn't bother me that I have to drive thirty miles to the store that carries that special shade of lipstick that you love so much.

*I don't mind getting up at 3:00 a.m. to investigate the strange sound that you heard outside.

*Sure, I can last all night without Viagra.

*My boss won't notice if I'm late to work three days in a row because the drive-thru line at Starbucks is ridiculously long.

*As soon as I get the prototype for my invention of an atomic sponge made, I'll be able to retire on the millions I'll make from it.

*Of course I understand your moodiness.

*I don't mind spending $400 on Justin Beiber concert tickets for my daughters.

*It's perfectly fine to let the snoring, farting dog share the bed with us every night.

*Even though I'm in my fifties, I can still keep up with the teenagers and play several rounds of basketball in 90 degree heat.

*I'm not overweight---I'm just big boned.

*Size doesn't matter.

*I love having my in-laws over for dinner every weekend.

*My wife won't notice that I went to Home Depot for a packet of nails and came home with a pressure cleaner.

*Of course I don't mind working over time without extra pay. My family won't mind, either.

*I didn't clog the toilet.

*It's good to let the grass get knee-high every now and then. I'll mow it next week.

*I know where I'm going and I don't need to ask anyone for directions.

*I don't mind that you're feeling too tired and grumpy for sex. I can wait.

*You still look beautiful to me even with that unidentifiable rash on your face.

*I never think that you and your girlfriends talk too much.


*Of course I love your creamed brussels sprout and salmon pie. Who wouldn't?

*My wife thinks my love handles are sexy.

*I'd be happy to teach our Evil Knievel--wannabe teenager how to drive.

*Men don't gossip.

*I'm not crying over that Hallmark commercial. I've got something in my eye.

*Just because I'm giving you a sexy body massage doesn't mean that I expect something else in return.

*I'd be happy to stop by the drugstore on my way home from work to pick up a box of tampons for you.

*Just one more beer, and then I'll stop. I promise…...



     That wasn't so hard now, was it, fellas? So how about a big slice of creamed brussels sprout and salmon pie with a tofu burger on the side….unless, of course, you were lying about that?



This week Meno Mama was all over the place!  I shared the "Do's and Don'ts of Valentine's Day Gifts on the Huffington Post:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/the-dos-and-donts-of-vale_b_6660278.html     I was also a guest on the blog "Take A Walk In My Shoes" with my Valentine post, "How To Keep A Husband Happy":   http://terri-grothe.blogspot.com/2015/02/how-to-keep-your-husband-happy-guest.html