Menopausal Mother

     Last week I admitted to the little white lies that my female peers and I are guilty of telling (you can read the post *here*), but I've decided it wouldn't be any fun if I didn't share the male side of the equation. I've gotten a few brave men to 'fess up about the lies they tell themselves and their significant others, and some of these go way beyond the usual, "Of course I don't think you look like you've gained weight" tales they eagerly tell their women in order to avoid a night in the dog house.

     Fellas, I'm betting there are quite a few remarks here that are going to sound painfully familiar to you. It's time to put down the TV remote and admit that you're just as guilty as your partner when it comes to stretching the truth like a giant rubber band. Just remember how much it stings when that band snaps back.


*I'm only going to watch one game this weekend.

*Of course I'd rather order a tofu burger from the menu than a juicy Porterhouse steak.

*Yes, it was on sale.


*If I lose a few more pounds, I can squeeze back into my Speedo.

*My wife won't notice if I leave a few dirty dishes in the sink.

*A man can never have too many flashlights. Or screw drivers.

*I don't mind taking all the kids with us on our romantic vacation to the Bahamas.

*It's okay that no one else in the family notices that the trash can is overflowing.

*I never fart in elevators.

*No honey, those jeans don't make your butt look big.

*I don't mind giving up my championship game tickets to stay home and help you pick lice out of the kids' hair.

*This isn't fat---it's muscle.

*No one will notice I'm going bald if I wear a baseball cap 24/7….or wrap this long, single strand of hair around the top of my head.

*It wasn't a mistake…. I meant to do that.

*Of course I remembered our anniversary is today.

*My in-laws won't care if I burp at the dinner table.

*It doesn't bother me that I have to drive thirty miles to the store that carries that special shade of lipstick that you love so much.

*I don't mind getting up at 3:00 a.m. to investigate the strange sound that you heard outside.

*Sure, I can last all night without Viagra.

*My boss won't notice if I'm late to work three days in a row because the drive-thru line at Starbucks is ridiculously long.

*As soon as I get the prototype for my invention of an atomic sponge made, I'll be able to retire on the millions I'll make from it.

*Of course I understand your moodiness.

*I don't mind spending $400 on Justin Beiber concert tickets for my daughters.

*It's perfectly fine to let the snoring, farting dog share the bed with us every night.

*Even though I'm in my fifties, I can still keep up with the teenagers and play several rounds of basketball in 90 degree heat.

*I'm not overweight---I'm just big boned.

*Size doesn't matter.

*I love having my in-laws over for dinner every weekend.

*My wife won't notice that I went to Home Depot for a packet of nails and came home with a pressure cleaner.

*Of course I don't mind working over time without extra pay. My family won't mind, either.

*I didn't clog the toilet.

*It's good to let the grass get knee-high every now and then. I'll mow it next week.

*I know where I'm going and I don't need to ask anyone for directions.

*I don't mind that you're feeling too tired and grumpy for sex. I can wait.

*You still look beautiful to me even with that unidentifiable rash on your face.

*I never think that you and your girlfriends talk too much.


*Of course I love your creamed brussels sprout and salmon pie. Who wouldn't?

*My wife thinks my love handles are sexy.

*I'd be happy to teach our Evil Knievel--wannabe teenager how to drive.

*Men don't gossip.

*I'm not crying over that Hallmark commercial. I've got something in my eye.

*Just because I'm giving you a sexy body massage doesn't mean that I expect something else in return.

*I'd be happy to stop by the drugstore on my way home from work to pick up a box of tampons for you.

*Just one more beer, and then I'll stop. I promise…...



     That wasn't so hard now, was it, fellas? So how about a big slice of creamed brussels sprout and salmon pie with a tofu burger on the side….unless, of course, you were lying about that?



This week Meno Mama was all over the place!  I shared the "Do's and Don'ts of Valentine's Day Gifts on the Huffington Post:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/the-dos-and-donts-of-vale_b_6660278.html     I was also a guest on the blog "Take A Walk In My Shoes" with my Valentine post, "How To Keep A Husband Happy":   http://terri-grothe.blogspot.com/2015/02/how-to-keep-your-husband-happy-guest.html   

      

 
      Welcome to my special Fly On The Wall holiday edition, hosted by Karen of http://www.bakinginatornado.com. We've made the fly quite dizzy this month with our frenzied holiday  preparations. He might have landed in my spiked eggnog the other day, so don't believe everything he tells you that he overheard in my home. It's probably the rum talking.

"Oh good, it's Christmas! Time to play my favorite holiday board game, 'Gorge, Party And Purge.'"

"Elves are the illegitimate children of Mrs. Claus, who was the original ho. That's why Santa yells, "Ho Ho Ho!'"

"Reindeer poop is magic fertilizer for the garden---kind of like Miracle Grow."
"Does this mean the roses will sprout antlers?"


"You have too many tubs full of holiday stuff here! You belong on Hoarders….the Christmas edition."

"Santa must have been agoraphobic. He only left his house once a year to drop off gifts and pilfer cookies."

"What is the nog in eggnog? The dregs of the egg?"

"Stop feeding the dog so much Christmas ham. Pretty soon she's going to need a pug girdle."

"I think I have a holiday yeast infection."
"Then you're out of luck because I don't think they make Monistat for men."

"He hated having to wear that tux to the party. He was practically foaming at the mouth for a beer…..it made him look like a rabid penguin."


"Are those moose knuckles in your pants or are you just happy to meet me under the mistletoe?"

"I love your holiday rum cake but it always gives me heartburn. I'll need a barrel o' Tums after eating a slice. An enema might also be in order."

"What does he want for Christmas?"
"An alligator, but it needs to be toothless."
"Why, so it can gum him to death?"

"Are you planning on spending New Year's Eve passed out on the front lawn again?"
"I wouldn't mind it as long as there aren't anymore fire ants on the grass. Last year I woke up looking like I had measles."

"What a nice surprise! A Coconut Bliss pillow from the mattress store for Christmas. It smells like vanilla cake. If I wake up a few pounds heavier tomorrow and the pillow is missing, you'll know why."


"Feeling blue during Christmas? All you need is pug therapy!"

"I  just had a two layer burp---Special K cereal on top of taco salad. I think I'll follow it up with some Christmas fudge."

"I don't need Viagra. I have you."
"Now THAT'S the holiday gift that keeps on giving!"

"Elves are the mischievous cousins of yard gnomes. Forget 'Elf On The Shelf.' We have Elf In The Butt."

"Time to upgrade your radio for Christmas, Mom. You know, they do make ones that aren't as big and heavy as a cinder block."

"I just got my period after two years, just in time for Christmas. WTH, I'm menopausal! Well played, Santa."

"Next year I want to be in the Christmas boat parade."
"Forget it---the pirate rum ships disappeared a long time ago."

"I'm not trying to be a grinch but I'm tired of putting up Christmas yard decorations. The lights always burn out and inevitably the reindeers will end up beheaded. The others have backward antlers. They're dyslexic reindeers."


     Merry Christmas from our crazy home to yours! Now put down that eggnog and go visit the other merry bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall!


***Don't forget to check out my weekly post over at In The Powder Room. I've put a new spin on some old Christmas tunes. Check out, "I'm Dreaming Of A Cheap Christmas" here: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-12-dreaming-cheap-christmas.html

 
 It's Secret Subject Swap time again, thanks to our host Karen at http://bakinginatornado.com. Twelve bloggers are revealing their answers today in response to twelve secret questions. My prompt comes from Sarah Nolan of http://themomisodes.com. Her question is: "Congrats! You've just won two million dollars playing lotto. What do you do with it?"
     This question is a no-brainer for me. I'd pay off my debts and donate a large portion of it to cancer research. But the whimsical side of me would also donate the money to a home for wayward squirrels....or "Bears, Badgers and Beavers Without Borders."
     As I contemplated this conundrum over martinis on the front porch with The Hubs, his tongue loosened up with each sip of gin. He knew EXACTLY what he would do with the two million dollars.

***Something you should know about the other half of the Meno Mama equation: The Hubs is a wannabe inventor. Most of his ideas are so far out there that NASA cannot retrieve them. But sometimes I see that flash of brilliance in his eyes and I know he's onto something unique. Or scary. I'll let you decide.

10 THINGS THE HUBS WOULD DO WITH TWO MILLION DOLLARS

1.  Invent tequila laced ice packs for hot flashing, menopausal women.

2.  Create a testosterone teddy bear. Men would sleep with it and wake up as hairy as the bear. Stay tuned: next week he'll be introducing Veronica the Viagra Doll.

3.  Invest in latex underwear. It will be leak proof and won't get holes in it from excessive sharting.

4.  Build affordable army tanks for easy travel. You'd never have to worry about speeding tickets, door dings or expensive tire replacement. It would also come equipped with a toilet and a well stocked mini bar.

5.  Invent an underarm, automatic hair braider for men. It would alleviate the pain of armpit hair being yanked out by the root from roll-on deodorants.

6.  Start a new support group, "Burpers Anonymous," for chronic burpers. This would be a safe haven for burping freely without judgment. Carbonated beverages and spicy, bean burritos would be served at every meeting.

7.  Invent donkey fur toilet paper so people could stop making asses out of themselves.

8.  Create a robotic beer butler that would carry a mini keg on its back at all times with a tap at your disposal, 24/7.

9.  Start a chain of zip line courses that stretch across giant shark tanks just to make things more interesting.

10.  Open an underwater golf course. Instead of golf clubs, you would use spear guns with balls attached to the ends of them. No need for special golf attire----you'd wear a wet suit and fins. It would become a competitive sport in the Olympics known as "Snorkel Golf."


     I think it's time to hide the gin and slip The Hubs some Lunesta. Sweet dreams, Dear. I'm taking off with the two million to open a squirrel orphanage in Cancun with a bottle of sunscreen in one hand and a tequila ice pack in the other.

     Please be sure to visit all the bloggers participating in today's Secret Subject Swap!

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