Menopausal Mother

     I decided several years ago not to make New Year's resolutions after a series of failed attempts at improving myself. Not a whole lot of change going on over here at my age. I'm pretty happy right where I am, but it's nice to dream about certain resolutions coming true. Lose weight? Maybe a pound or two. Finish my memoir? Absolutely! But don't ask me to give up chocolate or lemon drop martinis because that will never happen.

     What else will I resolve (but fail) to do in 2019? Everything on the list below. You might even find a few of these on your own to-do list for the New Year.



1. Buy a Peloton bike for my morning workout. This will be great.....for about a month. By February, the bike will be used as a place to drop my clothes. I don't need an expensive laundry hamper like that.

2. Begin the Keto Diet. Everyone knows what happens with this resolution. It ends up being the Eat-O-Diet.

3. Be more patient with people. Which I can totally do until I get into my car. "WHAT THE HELL, DUDE, MOVE! IT'S A GREEN LIGHT! ARE YOU COLOR BLIND?"

3. Get organized. In theory, this is a wonderful idea. Usually I start with the Tupperware drawer in my kitchen. But after finding ten containers and only two matching lids, I get frustrated and quit. I'm pretty sure those lids were abducted by the same aliens who stole the other half of my matching sock sets from the dryer.

4. More "me time" for pampering. I'd love to try goat yoga twice a week. Just remind me not to leave my mat unattended for any length of time.

5. Travel the world and experience new cultures. The problem is that I don't fly. As soon as someone builds a bridge over the Atlantic, I'm sure I'll get there.

6. Resolve to make amends with the people who treated me crappy in 2018. Nahhhhhh......I'll let karma handle that one.

7. Practice Five Minute Meditation. Which is fine, until it turns into a three hour nap.

8. Drink less alcohol. HAHAHAHAHA.

9. Save Money. Does this means I can no longer collect sequined poop emoji totes??

10. Spend more time with family and friends. Does interaction on Snapchat count? Asking for a friend....

11. Lose Weight. This might work if my favorite source of entertainment wasn't rummaging around in the refrigerator every 30 minutes.

12. Find a new job. Sure, I could easily go from being a stay-at-home writer to being a stay-at-home professional napper.


13. Learn a new skill. There's no better time than 2019 to master playing beer pong with my left hand.

14. Volunteer time to a worthy cause. Since I'm allergic to grumpy old people, incontinent cats and cranky toddlers, it looks like a dolphin rehab center would be more my style.

     All kidding aside, my resolutions to love more and to treat each new day as a gift is an easy one to keep. 2018 was a mixed bag of emotions for me with health scares, political drama and hurtful people, but I finished out the year in the most spectacular way with the birth of a new granddaughter. And with the recent announcement of my son's upcoming nuptials in April, it looks like 2019 is already off to a great start. I'm really looking forward to what the new year has to offer. BRING IT ON, 2019!!

     Anyone who has been married for any length of time has had their share of disagreements. I've been married for thirty years, which qualifies me as a professional "argument" arbitrator. Some of the feuds I've had with my husband have been more serious than others, but you have to know when to  pick your battles to get on equal footing.

     The two of us come from very different backgrounds, each with our own set of emotional baggage. For the most part, we're on the same page, especially when it comes to parenting. But there are other issues in our marriage that have reduced us to foot-stomping, sulking toddlers when neither one of us is willing to give in. The issues we are argue over most include:

   
     Everyone comes to me for advice. Do I look like Dr. Phil?  I speak my mind but I don't get paid for it. Nor do I have a television show where minions bring me champagne and jars of Nutella in the green room. What I DO have is a husband who wakes me at 2:00 a.m. to show me his penguin imitation and older children who've mysteriously lost their hearing since the age of sixteen.

     For those of you who believe I have some counseling credibility, you probably forgot to take your meds this morning. But here's some advice that you might find useful:

HAPPY MARRIAGE:

*Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Share your deepest thoughts and concerns, even if this means discussing the pros and cons of owning a bidet.

*Be willing to work together as a team---preferably in matching Snuggies---when it comes to parenting, work, household duties or running together in a strap-on kitty relay race.

*Learn to respect each other's individuality. Your husband should appreciate your ability to devour an entire blueberry pie in five minutes….with your hands tied behind your back. And your wife should honor your ability to suck jello shots out of an ice cube tray….also with you hands tied behind your back.

*Be willing to make sacrifices for one another.
  "Honey, I sold my tickets to the hockey game to attend your romance novel book club meeting tonight."
  "Oh no! I just canceled that meeting to beer bumper bowling with you!"

*Argue less. Just admit you're wrong no matter what you're fighting about….then secretly sign your spouse up for every 800 number promotion on TV.

*Laugh more. Find the humor in every situation and learn to laugh it off, no matter how bad it is.
  "Hon, I just lost my wallet with all 25 credit cards inside it. The good news is that the cards were already maxed out and I spent my last ten dollars on a plastic owl weather vane." 



CHILDREN:

Imagine being a juggler walking on the tight rope at the circus and tossing six balls in the air without dropping one. Welcome to parenthood!

Learn to be more flexible, patient and fair with your children. Tell them every day how proud you are of them and that you love them.

Expect years of multitasking and lack of sleep until your little winged gargoyles fly the coop….which may not be until they're thirty. During this time period of your life, there will be plenty of days when you'll understand why some animals eat their young. Smile---you and our partner are in this together.

MONEY: 

Live for the moment and stop wasting time stressing over your finances. While it's important to tuck away some extra cash for a nest egg, beware of the vultures who might swoop down any minute and snatch those eggs. If that happens, you can always get a second job at a chicken hatchery to count REAL nest eggs.

GRAND-PARENTING: 

You're going to feel older than the dirt in King Tut's tomb when the first grandchild arrives. You might also spend an inordinate amount of time recalling your youth when you were faster, thinner and could ride the mechanical bull for a full eight seconds.

Teach your grandchildren life's important lessons (such as the best place to hide their chocolate stash from mom) and embrace the grand-parenting years. This is the only time you'll get to witness karma in action.

HEALTH:

Eat well and exercise regularly. Learn to love kale, even if this means buying more air fresheners for your bathroom. Monitor your cholesterol levels and become familiar with triglycerides. *Is it just me or does that name sound like a punk rock band? "The Triglycerides are performing tonight at Club Blood Pressure."

RETIREMENT:

Once you hit the golden years, you get to look forward to early bird specials at the diner, discounts on movie theatre tickets and free catheter sample packs. Throw your calendars out the window and hop on the party train to Flatulentville where everything is a gas.

     Hopefully if you take my advice, your life will run a little bit smoother. Just remember to laugh when your spouse maxes out the credit cards on pajama jeans and potty wizards ordered from an 800 number in Podunk Poland.



****NEWS FLASH**** Guess who is a new HUFFINGTON POST blogger?! This girl! You can read my debut post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/empty-nest-_b_5378063.html

I also have my weekly post up over Humor Outcasts which you can read here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/queen-of-klutz/


   

 
 It's Secret Subject Swap time again, thanks to our host Karen at http://bakinginatornado.com. Twelve bloggers are revealing their answers today in response to twelve secret questions. My prompt comes from Sarah Nolan of http://themomisodes.com. Her question is: "Congrats! You've just won two million dollars playing lotto. What do you do with it?"
     This question is a no-brainer for me. I'd pay off my debts and donate a large portion of it to cancer research. But the whimsical side of me would also donate the money to a home for wayward squirrels....or "Bears, Badgers and Beavers Without Borders."
     As I contemplated this conundrum over martinis on the front porch with The Hubs, his tongue loosened up with each sip of gin. He knew EXACTLY what he would do with the two million dollars.

***Something you should know about the other half of the Meno Mama equation: The Hubs is a wannabe inventor. Most of his ideas are so far out there that NASA cannot retrieve them. But sometimes I see that flash of brilliance in his eyes and I know he's onto something unique. Or scary. I'll let you decide.

10 THINGS THE HUBS WOULD DO WITH TWO MILLION DOLLARS

1.  Invent tequila laced ice packs for hot flashing, menopausal women.

2.  Create a testosterone teddy bear. Men would sleep with it and wake up as hairy as the bear. Stay tuned: next week he'll be introducing Veronica the Viagra Doll.

3.  Invest in latex underwear. It will be leak proof and won't get holes in it from excessive sharting.

4.  Build affordable army tanks for easy travel. You'd never have to worry about speeding tickets, door dings or expensive tire replacement. It would also come equipped with a toilet and a well stocked mini bar.

5.  Invent an underarm, automatic hair braider for men. It would alleviate the pain of armpit hair being yanked out by the root from roll-on deodorants.

6.  Start a new support group, "Burpers Anonymous," for chronic burpers. This would be a safe haven for burping freely without judgment. Carbonated beverages and spicy, bean burritos would be served at every meeting.

7.  Invent donkey fur toilet paper so people could stop making asses out of themselves.

8.  Create a robotic beer butler that would carry a mini keg on its back at all times with a tap at your disposal, 24/7.

9.  Start a chain of zip line courses that stretch across giant shark tanks just to make things more interesting.

10.  Open an underwater golf course. Instead of golf clubs, you would use spear guns with balls attached to the ends of them. No need for special golf attire----you'd wear a wet suit and fins. It would become a competitive sport in the Olympics known as "Snorkel Golf."


     I think it's time to hide the gin and slip The Hubs some Lunesta. Sweet dreams, Dear. I'm taking off with the two million to open a squirrel orphanage in Cancun with a bottle of sunscreen in one hand and a tequila ice pack in the other.

     Please be sure to visit all the bloggers participating in today's Secret Subject Swap!

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