Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts

Friday, January 12, 2018

New Year's Resolutions I Will Most Likely Never Keep

When I was young, it was easy to make New Year's resolutions and actually stick to them (well, for at least six months. Give me some credit here, folks. Swearing off chocolate for an entire year is unreasonable). Now that I'm older (sigh), I realize that New Year's resolutions are not for the faint of heart, and basically, I'm just too lazy to stick to them. My intentions are always good at the start of the year, but then life gets in the way, and I find myself slapping the snooze button on the alarm way too often just to avoid my resolutions.

This year I'm going into 2018 with more positivity....meaning that I'm pretty positive the following New Year's Resolutions are ones I will most likely never keep:

STICK TO A DIET: Losing weight and eating healthy is always at the top of my list each year before the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve. This time, I was off to a great start, existing solely on celery and a bald chicken breast on the first day. But on January 2nd, I caved and split a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food with my husband. Can I have a Dec. 31st do-over?

EXERCISE MORE: I love my Zumba classes, but the downside to this workout is the personal reward system I use. "Hey, I just burned 600 calories, so that means I can eat Taco Bell tonight!" It doesn't work that way. I know this because I'm sitting here with too many tacos and not enough sweat to burn them all off.

GET ORGANIZED: This is a wonderful concept, and I have no problem doing it, especially in the kitchen. I clean out all of the shelves, throw away expired foods, and pawn all the junk food off on my adult kids. But inevitably, someone gets lazy and shuffles stuff around in the pantry. The peanut butter ends up next to the dog food, and the Basmati rice sits on the floor behind two bottles of cooking sherry. My husband is certain we have pantry gnomes and blames them for our disorganized mess. Do gnomes like Basmati rice?

TURN OFF THE TV: Let's be honest----this isn't gonna happen. I was never a fan of spending hours in front of the television, mostly because I had four young children that needed to be fed, bathed, and put to bed. But now that I'm am empty nester, I suffer from this mysterious condition that hits me every night after dinner. It's called, "This-couch-feels-really-good-and-I'm-not-moving-for-two-hours-until-I-digest-my-food." It's also known as the "I've-discovered-Netflix-and-I'm-never-going-back-to-regular-tv-again" syndrome.

MORE MEDITATION & YOGA: I started yoga about six months ago and I'm trying to make more time for it in my schedule. However, even though I have advanced, I've noticed that my stomach really gets in the way of my progress. Try doing the "Extended Puppy Pose" with a tire strapped around your waistline and you'll see what I'm talking about. I also love the concept of meditation, but when I put it into practice, I fall asleep and then wake up three hours later wondering what century I'm in.

BE MORE ATTENTIVE TO MY SPOUSE: There is a reason I bought a hot tub, but even the promise of playing "sexy mermaid" in the hot, bubbly water (in my case, it's more like a boiling lobster in a pot) is not enough to distract my husband from an NBA playoff. If only I could learn to love the game, but let's face it; I'd rather have my tonsils removed than sit through a two-hour sporting event.

WORK HARDER: I'm a freelancer, so this resolution is difficult to stick to. Why? Because I work from home, where EVERYTHING becomes a distraction: dogs barking at the slightest sound (yes, they can hear an ant sneeze), my daughter calling to vent about work, the neighbor who sunbathes nude (wait---what??), the little pings on my cell phone alerting me of Facebook and Instagram notifications (I'm easily sucked into the social media vortex), and that damn piece of cherry cobbler sitting in the back of my fridge.

USE THAT EXPENSIVE KITCHEN GADGET I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS: I have this device that shreds, dices, squeezes, and for all I know, possibly changes my incontinent dog's diaper pads, but I have yet to try the gadget. It has too many buttons and knobs and blades, and I'm fearful that I might lose a finger if I experiment with it.

STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF: If sweating the small stuff really worked, I'd be as thin as a chopstick. I need to accept that it's not a big deal if someone likes the toilet paper folded under the roll instead of over it, or that people in my home prefer to squeeze a tube of toothpaste from the middle instead of from the bottom like a NORMAL human being. Sure, I can deal, but no one better say a word about my habit of baby-talking to my pugs (don't judge---I'm an empty nester remember?).

I really feel optimistic about 2018 because I'm going into the new year with my eyes wide open....and my hands full of tacos.

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I was featured on HER VIEW FROM HOME with my husband's poignant adoption story, "How Being Adopted Made My Husband A Better Father." You can read it here: https://herviewfromhome.com/how-being-adopted-made-my-husband-a-better-father/

Friday, August 18, 2017

Fly On The Wall At Summer's End

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, nine courageous bloggers are welcoming you into their homes to catch a glimpse of what goes on behind closed doors.

I'm sad to see that we only have a few more weeks of summer left. August has been an amazing month for us. We've had several birthdays in the family and all sorts of celebrations recently. We cracked open a bottle of champagne the day my very first article was featured on The Washington Post (WARNING: get your tissues out. You can read it HERE), something that has been on my bucket list for 2017, and then we celebrated Hub's birthday over the course of two weeks (because a Doyle celebration can never last just one day). Family gatherings have filled almost every weekend this summer, which makes me realize how fortunate I am to have all of my adult children living nearby. This has been one of our best summers yet---I can only hope that the fall will bring even more of the shenanigans that my family seems to love.

As always, there were plenty of silly conversations going on during our gatherings, and I was lucky enough to catch a few.....

"I was just reminded of why I love being an empty nester."
"How so?"
"My youngest stopped by for the night. By the time he left, there were dirty dishes in the sink, a wet towel on the bathroom floor, a pizza box on the stove and an un-flushed toilet. Yeah, I don't miss the good ol' days of having a house full of teens...."

"I was just talking to a bluejay outside. Seriously, in bird language."
"Snow White has nothing on you."

"Cheese sticks are your remedy for everything. Hungry? Eat a cheese stick. Tired? Eat a cheese stick. Angry? Anxious? Got diarrhea? EAT A CHEESE STICK."

"I call my new fashion style, 'Anything With An Elastic Waistband'."

"I want to write a new blog post titled, '10 Reasons I'm A Good Wife.' Can you help me with it?"
"No, because I can't come up with of 10 reasons."

"Stop feeding all those little birds from our hotel balcony. If you don't stop, this place is going to look like something out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. "

"I think I just swallowed the wrong pill. It was supposed to be my antidepressant, but I think it was one of the dog's pills."
"Well, at least now you don't have to worry about getting fleas."

"My skin is so bad from my landscaping job, the dermatologist will think I'm using sandpaper to erase my wrinkles."

"The medical form asks what my marital status is. Doesn't that depend on the day?'"

"You know you're getting old when you visit Disney World, a place that you've been going to for thirty years, only now you have to wear a knee brace to walk around the park, and you've become like Pavlov's dogs by needing to pee every time you see a restroom sign."

Goodbye, summer. We'll be looking forward to more celebrations in the fall!

****WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week you can find my featured essays at The Mom Life Chronicles and The Washington Post.

Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

Baking In A Tornado http://www.BakingInATornado. com

Menopausal Mother http://www.menopausalmom.com/

Searching for Sanity http://singlemumplusone. blogspot.com

Spatulas on Parade http://spatulasonparade. blogspot.com/

Never Ever Give Up Hope http://batteredhope.blogspot. com

Bookworm in the Kitchen http://www.bookwormkitchen. com/

TaylorLife http://www.TaylorLife. com

Cynful Thoughts http://hercynfulthoughts. blogspot.com

Evil Joy Speaks http://www.eviljoyspeaks.com

Friday, March 17, 2017

A Husband's Perspective: Eight Ways Menopause Has Changed My Wife

As bad as I feel for women experiencing the symptoms of menopause, my heart goes out even more to the men who have to live with them while they endure "the change of life." When my husband and I exchanged wedding vows 33 years ago, neither one of us had any idea that I would one day morph into the Tasmanian devil at the onset of menopause. Most of the time, I don't even recognize myself. I have to give the guy credit for sticking by my side as long as he has. I'm not sure what's in it for him, other than the occasional back rub and someone to stop him from heading out to the pet store in his torn cargo shorts and t-shirt that reads, "Cat: The Other White Meat."

Although menopause has changed me, my husband has learned to go with my emotional flow that's as unpredictable as a summer hurricane. All that matters is that we're still holding hands during the stormiest of times.

Recently, I pressed him for details about the changes he has witnessed in me over the last few years, and he was a little TOO quick to fill in the blanks......

1. My wife once had the energy of a toddler after too many cups of Kool-Aid. But these days, sleep is her priority...even over sex and chocolate. She'd stay under the covers all week if I let her. But someone has to cook a meal every now and then.....unless the family doesn't mind the gastrointestinal apocalypse that would occur if I did the cooking.

2. When she's not in bear hibernation mode, my wife is a creature of the night. Insomnia often robs her of a decent night's rest, but rather than squeeze in some valuable writing time, she prefers to stalk Pinterest recipes or shop on Amazon for decorative pillows. How many pillows does one person need? The good news is that I no longer need an alarm system for the house. While I'm snoring in the bedroom, my better half is wide awake and will release a blood curdling war cry if an intruder tries to break in....or if a cockroach skitters across her path.

3. There isn't a husband on the planet who doesn't live in fear of the dreaded question, "Do these pants make me look fat?" The first year my wife started menopause, we went though four different scales because she was convinced they were all inaccurate. Her pension for chocolate and pizza had nothing to do with her weight gain. At least she can blame menopause for her extra pounds. The only excuse I have is beer.

4. We always "spooned" when we went to bed together. It was comforting to feel her body pressed against mine each night before falling asleep. Now that she has night sweats, if I try to cuddle up to her, I'll likely lose a limb.

5. Dear God, the pendulum mood swings. If I survive these, I can survive anything. Forget Jekyll and Hyde. I'm living with Donna Reed and Attila the Hun. To say that my wife is "a little on edge" is an understatement. If I leave so much as a dirty coffee cup on the counter, her patience level will snap in a nanosecond and I'll find myself fighting for space on the dog's bed each night.

6. Ever since the hot flashes started, my wife has become a thermostat nazi. When I come home from work, I feel as if I've been magically transported to Alaska. It wouldn't surprise me if I came home one day to find icicles hanging from the ceiling.

7. My wife and I have always been a passionate couple, but after menopause struck, her sex drive plummeted. I'm not the virile youngster I once was, either, but nowadays in order to get things heated in the bedroom, I need a gallon of wine for my wife and the Jaws of Life for easy access.

8. Forgetfulness comes with age, but menopause can make a woman senile. My wife was one of the most organized people I knew, to the point of being OCD about the house and our family routine. We depended on her to keep us scheduled and sane. If it was up to me, the kids would have gone to school late in their bedroom slippers and have nothing but corn chips in their lunch boxes. But along came menopause, sucking every organizational cell out of my wife's body and leaving me with a pod person who's suffering from constant brain fog. Car keys in the fridge. Water bubbling over on the stove. Dog poop on the carpet because SOMEONE forgot to take the fur balls for a walk after lunch.

I think it's time to book a room for my wife at the Forget-Me-Not Manor for Senile Seniors. Better yet, I'll take the room for myself, because no one will yell at me for leaving a dirty coffee cup on the counter. And hopefully I'll get to keep all of my limbs.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Same-Page Marriage Woes

Anyone who has been married for any length of time has had their share of disagreements. I've been married for thirty years, which qualifies me as a professional "argument" arbitrator. Some of the feuds I've had with my husband have been more serious than others, but you have to know when to pick your battles to get on equal footing.

The two of us come from very different backgrounds, each with our own set of emotional baggage. For the most part, we're on the same page, especially when it comes to parenting. But there are other issues in our marriage that have reduced us to foot-stomping, sulking toddlers when neither one of us is willing to give in. The issues we are argue over most include:

Children: We want the best for offspring, but sometimes we disagree about their choices. I have no problem with my children dating at the age of sixteen, but my husband would rather they wear a chastity belt until they're thirty-five.

Money: This is the one subject that consistently pops up in our disagreements, because there is never enough of it to cover our expenses. My husband would love to drop some bills on a new bicycle, while I'm out scouting deluxe critter condos for my five chinchillas. And neither one of us wants to fork over five-hundred dollars for a new water heater. Sudsing up in the oscillating lawn sprinkler just might be worth saving a few bucks.

Sex: My spouse is a morning person, and I'm a night owl. I preferred to hide my imperfections by candle light. He, on the other hand, rises with the sun and is as chipper as a toddler cracked out on Coco Puffs cereal.

Friends: Everyone has a friend that their spouse doesn't like. My husband has belligerent buddies who get drunk during sporting events and embarrass me with their rude comments. I have gal pals who love to chat it up all night over a bottle (or three) of wine. My husband refers to them as "yappers" who need to be muzzled after midnight.

Pets: My spouse would be happy if there were no pets in our house. The little accidents on the carpet and hairballs rolling around on the floor like tumbleweeds drive him to distraction. He feels that raising children is enough of a responsibility without adding critters to the mix. The night I brought home a stray bunny to add to our growing zoo population, my husband threatened to make rabbit stew. We argued for days, but he finally relented because the nibbling critter keeps his mustache hairs neatly trimmed.

Time Management: After financial issues, this is the second biggest issue on which we don't see eye to eye. When the kids were toddlers, we argued over whose turn it was to stay home and change diapers while the other person had free time with their friends. Now that we are older, free time is not an issue, since the adult kids have left the nest (and thankfully no one is still in diapers). The problem we face is trying to coordinate our schedules for family gatherings. Between strip bingo and pancake breakfasts at the Elk's Lodge, we rarely have time to schedule our colonoscopies together.

Technology: I was like a bear coming out of hibernation when it came to technology. I was the last one to own a cell phone, Kindle, or laptop. My husband brought me into the twenty-first century with my first iPod, which I had no clue how to use. When he tried to teach me the basic steps, I became frustrated and impatient. I couldn't grasp how something so small could be so complicated. The Hubs made the mistake of asking if I was born during the Jurassic period when I couldn't figure out how to use this wondrous gadget. The conversation ended when I chucked it at his beer belly.

Chores: The biggest question of the week at our house is: Who's turn is it to clean the bathroom? No one wants to scrub that toxic dump without a pressure cleaner and heavy-duty gloves. The kitchen isn't much better, since it looks like a bacon grease bomb has been detonated. We usually flip a coin to settle the argument. The Hubs still hasn't figured out why I always call "heads." (It's a two headed coin.)

In-Laws: When you exchange wedding vows, you inherit more than a spouse. You inherit their crazy-ass relatives as well. It's like Forrest Gump's analogy of a box of chocolates: some might be nutty, and some might be rotten. And some might be deceptively hollow inside. The best compromise is to move a continent away from anyone else who shares your DNA.

Jealousy: When we're at parties and I see my husband flirting with a bleached blonde or a buxom brunette, my temper rises. I become like Medusa, my eyes zeroing in on him, willing him to turn to stone. If necessary I bring out the big guns and publicly share that little tidbit about his painful hemorrhoids.

Marriage is never easy; it's a give-and-take relationship that needs to be nurtured in order to bloom. Trust, communication, and respect are the keys to a healthy marriage. After being together for thirty years, my husband and I have to learn not to sweat the small stuff. In other words, there's no point in arguing over whose turn it is to change the grandchild's blow-out diaper. Pretty soon, we'll be changing each other's adult-size ones.

***This story originally appeared in "Clash Of The Couples" (November 2014), published by Blue Lobster Book Co. I'm honored to be a part of this anthology with so many talented writers. If you would like to read more humorous stories about lover's quarrels, feel free to order the book from Amazon HERE.

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I had articles featured on MOGUL--- "The Seven Dwarfs Of Menopause" and on THE FIFTY PLUS LIFE----"From Empty Nest To Full House."

Friday, December 26, 2014

Ten Reasons My Husband Is My best Friend

I met my husband thirty years ago on a blind date after we shared a month of daily phone conversations. Before we met face to face, his quirky sense of humor won me over. I knew I'd never have a dull moment if I married this man.

And I've been laughing ever since.

My love for him deepened after we had four children together and I saw how important family was to him. He encompasses everything a woman looks for in husband material---he's loyal, loving, trustworthy and kind.

Although I admire all of these qualities in my man, it's his off-the-wall humor that I adore most. The things he does for me would send most husbands packing:

He doesn't have a problem with hitting the drugstore in his pajamas at 2:00a.m. for a tube of Monostat and a bottle of Pepto Bismol. He'll grab a six pack of beer while he's there and tell the checkout lady that he's hosting a helluva party.
He sacrifices watching the big game on TV to attend the neighbor's bris. For their dog.
He loves his in-laws despite their quirky habits of being cat whisperers and food addicts.
When our children were young and we couldn't afford entertainment for their birthday parties, he would don various costumes and morph into “Sven The Happy Swede” or “Daffy The Dysfunctional Clown.”
He'll eat my Velveeta surprise casserole without complaint even though it tastes like wallpaper paste and looks like a science experiment gone wrong.
Whenever we share a double decker fudge sundae, he sacrifices a few calories by saving the last bite for me.
He has plunged our temperamental, overflowing toilet more times than I can count and chased the kids through the house with the dirty, dripping plunger.
He doesn't mind being called on in the middle of the night to rescue his teenage daughter when the police detain her for sitting in her friend's car in a baby booster seat without a seatbelt. Yes, she really pulled this stunt.
He's patient with me when he's feeling amorous and I'm hotflashing like a mofo. Sex is not an option when my lady parts feel like an Easy Bake Oven.
He's always ready to protect me from a cockroach invasion. His holster is loaded at all times with a can of Raid on one side and a shoe on the other.

Although there is nothing in our wedding vows about having to pull clingons from the dog's butt or scrubbing algae off a smelly turtle tank, our love can be measured by the lengths we will go to make each other smile.

And in those moments when we are sporting magnifying glasses and nit combs over a child's lice-infested head, I am reminded why I married this man. He is my toilet-plunging, roach-stomping, lice-picking husband.

In other words, my hero.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Advice From A Menopausal Mother

Everyone comes to me for advice. Do I look like Dr. Phil? I speak my mind but I don't get paid for it. Nor do I have a television show where minions bring me champagne and jars of Nutella in the green room. What I DO have is a husband who wakes me at 2:00 a.m. to show me his penguin imitation and older children who've mysteriously lost their hearing since the age of sixteen.

For those of you who believe I have some counseling credibility, you probably forgot to take your meds this morning. But here's some advice that you might find useful:

HAPPY MARRIAGE:

*Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Share your deepest thoughts and concerns, even if this means discussing the pros and cons of owning a bidet.

*Be willing to work together as a team---preferably in matching Snuggies---when it comes to parenting, work, household duties or running together in a strap-on kitty relay race.

*Learn to respect each other's individuality. Your husband should appreciate your ability to devour an entire blueberry pie in five minutes….with your hands tied behind your back. And your wife should honor your ability to suck jello shots out of an ice cube tray….also with you hands tied behind your back.

*Be willing to make sacrifices for one another.
"Honey, I sold my tickets to the hockey game to attend your romance novel book club meeting tonight."
"Oh no! I just canceled that meeting to beer bumper bowling with you!"

*Argue less. Just admit you're wrong no matter what you're fighting about….then secretly sign your spouse up for every 800 number promotion on TV.

*Laugh more. Find the humor in every situation and learn to laugh it off, no matter how bad it is.
"Hon, I just lost my wallet with all 25 credit cards inside it. The good news is that the cards were already maxed out and I spent my last ten dollars on a plastic owl weather vane."

CHILDREN:

Imagine being a juggler walking on the tight rope at the circus and tossing six balls in the air without dropping one. Welcome to parenthood!

Learn to be more flexible, patient and fair with your children. Tell them every day how proud you are of them and that you love them.

Expect years of multitasking and lack of sleep until your little winged gargoyles fly the coop….which may not be until they're thirty. During this time period of your life, there will be plenty of days when you'll understand why some animals eat their young. Smile---you and our partner are in this together.

MONEY:

Live for the moment and stop wasting time stressing over your finances. While it's important to tuck away some extra cash for a nest egg, beware of the vultures who might swoop down any minute and snatch those eggs. If that happens, you can always get a second job at a chicken hatchery to count REAL nest eggs.

GRAND-PARENTING:

You're going to feel older than the dirt in King Tut's tomb when the first grandchild arrives. You might also spend an inordinate amount of time recalling your youth when you were faster, thinner and could ride the mechanical bull for a full eight seconds.

Teach your grandchildren life's important lessons (such as the best place to hide their chocolate stash from mom) and embrace the grand-parenting years. This is the only time you'll get to witness karma in action.

HEALTH:

Eat well and exercise regularly. Learn to love kale, even if this means buying more air fresheners for your bathroom. Monitor your cholesterol levels and become familiar with triglycerides. *Is it just me or does that name sound like a punk rock band? "The Triglycerides are performing tonight at Club Blood Pressure."

RETIREMENT:

Once you hit the golden years, you get to look forward to early bird specials at the diner, discounts on movie theatre tickets and free catheter sample packs. Throw your calendars out the window and hop on the party train to Flatulentville where everything is a gas.

Hopefully if you take my advice, your life will run a little bit smoother. Just remember to laugh when your spouse maxes out the credit cards on pajama jeans and potty wizards ordered from an 800 number in Podunk Poland.

****NEWS FLASH**** Guess who is a new HUFFINGTON POST blogger?! This girl! You can read my debut post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/empty-nest-_b_5378063.html

I also have my weekly post up over Humor Outcasts which you can read here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/queen-of-klutz/

Menopausal Mother

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