Menopausal Mother

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today 12 daring bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see or hear if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. 

     The fly has been dizzy in my house with all the holiday festivities going on (or maybe it was just the champagne that got to him). We've had a lot of great family gatherings and the usual Doyle craziness. I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with my loved ones and hoping the weather will be cool enough to have a fire in the backyard fire pit. Yes, here in Florida, the temperatures have been in the 80's. Then again, temps in the 60's are freezing to us!  I'm planning on having a relaxing holiday week, and I hope you do, too.

As I'm writing this post, the fly sees me jumping up and down with joy. Today my book, WHO STOLE MY SPANDEX, is  ranking #1 in Parenting Humor in the US, Canada, Australia, and in the top 100 overall Kindle sales in Canada and Australia. It's officially ranked as an International Best Seller, y'all. HOLY MOLY! I just might share my celebratory glass of champagne with the fly!

So......if you were a fly on the wall in my home this past month, here are some snippets of strange conversation that you would have heard:





"I'm so broke I can't afford to buy Christmas wrapping paper. Don't be surprised if your gift comes wrapped in baby shower paper or wedding paper....and possibly toilet paper."

"That politician in the debate shoots himself so many times in the foot that I'm surprised he has any feet left. "

"I need my coffee strong enough that it's like crack."

"All of our Christmas lawn decorations fell down in the wind last night. This morning it looks like they're hung over from a holiday party."

"The dog just nipped my side while I was playing with her on the floor. I think I only have one kidney left now. "

"You're the type of person who gets so overly-emotional during the holidays that you cry when one of your SIMS characters dies."

"Trying to get everyone in this family out the door at the same time is like herding cats."

"Thank God our party-happy house guests don't live here permanently, or else my liver would shut down within a week."

"You have way too many ornaments on that Christmas tree. You're an ornament hoarder."

 "She's about as affectionate as a porcupine."


"No, you're not having another powdered sugar war this year while we're making these Christmas cookies. I don't want my house to look like a winter wonderland again. "

"I want a shovel for Christmas."
"Why? Who do you plan on burying in the backyard?"



"I still have some moments of sanity....in between the hot flashes and mood swings."

"Never, ever shop online after you've had one too many glasses of spiked eggnog. You'll end up ordering two 15 ft. inflatable Christmas Elves for your yard.

"Christmas is almost here. Time to get out all the clothes that have elastic waistbands and spandex."


Time to shoo this drunk fly out of my house and get back to wrapping some Christmas gifts in toilet paper. Do you think anyone will notice? Enjoy the holidays, everyone!



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I was recently featured on Mom For The Holidays with my humor book, "Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane." Check out the review here: http://momfortheholidays.com/2015/12/06/meet-marcia-kester-doyle-of-who-stole-my-spandex-life-in-the-hot-flash-lane/ 





WANT THE PERFECT HOLIDAY GIFT? THE EBOOK IS ON SALE FOR .99 CENTS. YOU CAN'T EVEN BUY A CUP OF COFFEE FOR THAT PRICE! THE SALE ENDS DEC. 22, SO GRAB YOUR COPY NOW:           

Amazon US: http://tiny.cc/q4sb7x
Amazon UK: http://tiny.cc/g8sb7x
Amazon CA: http://tiny.cc/datb7x
Amazon AU: http://tiny.cc/tbtb7x
Barnes & Noble: http://tiny.cc/c6sb7x
iTunes: http://tiny.cc/26sb7x   



Click on these links for a peek into some homes of the other bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall Posts!

   Last year I connected with another blogger in a Facebook group who always made me laugh with her funny status updates and her responses to comments made in our mutual writer's group. We began chatting with each other through private messages, which is how I became better acquainted with today's guest blogger, Christine Collins Cacciatore.

     One evening while we were discussing our worst fears,  I mentioned that I am phobic about flying. Perhaps that's when Christine and I REALLY connected, because once I told her about my bad experiences while flying the not-so-friendly skies, she offered a far more harrowing tale of her own.

     After reading Christine's story on her humor blog, The Life and Times of Poopwa Foley, I begged her to let me share the post on my own blog. This is one of my favorite stories---- I feel her fear in the pit of my stomach every time I read it, yet I can't stop laughing by the way it is written. She turned a terrifying moment into one of humor, and that, folks, is a gift.

     Please welcome Christine to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love (but no free airline tickets, mmkay?).

    Welcome to the April edition of Fly On the Wall groups postings, hosted by  Baking In A Tornado.  Today, 15 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you'd see if you were a fly on the wall in their homes.
 
    As for my house, there has been a lot of yawning going on. Lately, I'm always tired. The Hubs is tired too, and now the teen is tired. Heck, I'm beginning to feel envious of my dogs because they get to nap all day long. I'm trying to combat my drowsiness with more coffee, but even after several cups of java strong enough to wake the dead, I'm STILL yawning at the gym and dreaming of when I can curl up on my Tempur-Pedic.

     Here's a glimpse of some odd, conversational tidbits going on around me while I was trying to sneak in a few cat naps over the weekends:


"I wish our female dog was spayed. When she gets her period, she leaves her doggy DNA all over the new carpet."

"Why don't stores sell elephant print leggings for working out?"
"Because no sane woman would wear elephants plastered all over her butt and thighs while doing squats at the gym."

"Don't bother me while I'm writing."
"Are you working on the new book?"
"Nope. This little piece is known as Book Proposal Purgatory."

"When you have A.D.D., your brain is like a computer with 20 tabs open all at once."

"You know we can't afford another car, Hon. You can still squeeze a few more years out of that 1999 Honda Odyssey minivan."
"That's easy for you to say! I'm the only man in Broward County driving the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car from hell."

"When it comes to quality time in the bathroom, our son defies the success of any odor-eliminating spray."

"Nana, do you want a lobster roll or lobster ravioli for dinner?"
"No thank you. I don't like my lobster adulterated."

"I'm convinced that stemless wine glasses were invented for sloppy drunks."

"On Pinterest, it says that pinning a dryer sheet to your shirt will ward off mosquitoes when you're outside.  I have a better idea---just pin a poopy diaper to your hat. I'm pretty sure that would keep the mosquitoes away."
"Yeah, but then you'd be inviting the flies to a feast."

"I'm so full from dinner, I feel like someone put a sandbag in my stomach."

"It doesn't matter if you're in your 80's---you can still join a Cross Fit Class. But it will have a different name----like "Wheel Chair Aerobics" or "Walker Workout."

"If you eat that blueberry, raisin, and apple bran muffin before going to Zumba, you're going to end up with fruit flavored flatulence at the gym."

"After all the margaritas I've consumed tonight, I think the last mosquito that just bit me is going to be hungover for a week."

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The wall Group Posts! Today, sixteen courageous bloggers are inviting you into their homes for a glimpse of what goes on behind closed doors.

The fly that has been buzzing around my crazy household this month has seen me go through a roller coaster of emotions---anxiety, fear, relief and elation as the editing process on my forthcoming book, "Who Stole My Spandex?" reached the final stage of completion. A week ago, I left my "baby" in the very capable hands of my publisher. Since that day, the fly has witnessed my nail biting habit in full swing, along with me staring blankly at the computer screen. Yes, the anticipation is killing me. Mark your calendars, folks. Black Friday, Nov. 28 is LAUNCH DAY!

I've been too nervous lately to be funny, but as always, I can rely on my family for humorous blog fodder. Here's what the fly overheard in my crazy house recently:



"We're hopelessly lost. I think my GPS is drunk."

"I would only consider plastic surgery if the doctors could put my food baby belly on my butt. They could call the procedure a 'bellybottomy'."


"Ahhhh…the innocence of youth….when a two-year-old tries to put a dirty toilet plunger in her mouth."

"I'm going to cut you off from the wine now, because nobody sings 'This Land is My Land' or 'Leavin' On A Jet Plane' when they're sober."

"What the heck is this Farmers.com site I keep hearing about?"
"It's a site for lonely dairy cows looking for true love."

"I'm awake, but if you're expecting bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, go catch a squirrel."

"You're about to exceed the limits of my Prozac."

"A meal without wine is called breakfast."

"My belt, socks and baseball cap are black. My shirt and my pants are also black. NOW do I look thinner?"

"Whoever stole all of my leftover chicken salad from the fridge is a Motherclucker!"

"I just heard a commercial from a place called Harbour House for the Blind, and they're looking for used car donations. Isn't that an oxymoron…. cars for the blind?"

"I can't stop spilling beer into my mouth."

"What are you--the World Pug Herding Champion"?

"If you keep weary my socks, then I'm going to start wearing your underwear."

"I just burped and farted at the same time. It's called a 'Bart'."

"I know how I can help you sell your book. I'm going to wear an owl costume, stand by the highway with a bag of books and yell, "Whoo! Whoo! Who hasn't read this book?"


You heard the owl, folks. Buy the book on Amazon November 28th! WHOO WHOO!

    Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall, a group posting hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. My issue this month is not with flies, but with mosquitoes. Those blood suckers are EVERYWHERE this summer! They're like the annoying, uninvited guest who crashes your BBQ, drinks all you beer and steals the last of the potato salad. I'm fed up with these bionic insects from hell  and would rather deal with the flies.


     If you were a fly (or a mosquito) on the wall at my house, this is what you would have heard at the BBQ:

"The dog snores so loud, she sounds like she just inhaled a pig."

"I don't understand why we still have so many mosquitoes in our yard when we've done every method possible to combat the little vampires from sucking our blood."
"Obviously, we have the Russian Chernobyl strain."

"I love our Tempur-Pedic mattress!"
"I don't! If I'm near the edge, it sags downward and makes me feel like I'm free-falling off a cliff. The memory foam remembers that I'm not a rock climber."

"There was a free tree giveaway at the park today."
"I know, but by the time I got there, all the good trees were gone. The only thing left were the tiny trees. I thought I'd stepped into a chapter of Gulliver's Travels."

"When I'm lying in bed at night and I have the urge to pee, I slap my bladder to stop the urge."
"So…..what does that make you? A bladder slapper?"

"Let me get this straight…..you sent a taxidermy raccoon to The Bloggess for publicity purposes?"
"Yep. And it worked. Got a nice thank you message and blurb from her for my book cover."
"Maybe from now on I need to send in taxidermy rodents along with my job applications."
"If I catch you hovering around my chinchilla cages too long, I'm kicking you out."


"Why do you stand so long in front of the open refrigerator? I'm beginning to think you're looking for the Museum of International Foods."

"Thankfully we have hurricane impact windows, otherwise they would have shattered by now over our granddaughter's wild banshee screams."

"My stomach hurt so bad that I thought it was either gallstones, a hernia, or I was having labor pains."
"Since You're a man, you know you can rule out one of those things right away."
"Yeah, we can rule out the hernia because the last heavy thing I lifted was a six pack of beer."

"What did I do to deserve a dirty toilet brush on my tongue?"
"That was an accident! I didn't mean to tap your tongue with the brush!"
"It was like licking a lollipop with bristles….or a Charms Blow Pop the smelled like feces."



     I hope you enjoyed your voyeuristic view of my crazy family life. Don't forget to visit the other 13 bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall.  AND REMEMBER: Beware of the brown toilet brush!


****Want more Meno Mama? This week you can find me TWICE on the Huffington Post! Holy Moly! First is my serious post about raising an ungrateful generation of children over at The Huffington Post here:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/rude-children-_b_5589057.html and then they featured my funny one on colonoscopies here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/i-need-a-what_b_5615732.html. I also have a humorous post for you about my husband's unemployment featured over at the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. You can read that one here: http://humorwriters.org/2014/07/19/5314