Menopausal Mother

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, nine bloggers are inviting you into their homes for a glimpse of what you would see and hear behind closed doors.

     When I participate in these Fly On The Wall posts, most of the comments I share come from my husband, who certainly has a way with words. His quick wit is what attracted me to him in the first place. Sort of like flies to honey (see what I did there?). He had some zingers this past month, and I've been grabbing my pen and pad every time he says one of his off-the-wall comments.



"I have my own floatation device in the pool----it's called an 'inner tube waistline'."

"You know you're getting old when you have to keep floss in every room."

"I forgot to shower and my armpits smell like tacos. I've sniffed them so many times today that now I'm craving Taco Bell."


"I just got carded. But not for looking under 21. The clerk wanted to know if I was entitled to the senior citizen's discount."

"My food traps are so bad, I need a pressure cleaner to get the extra food out of my molars."

"Ancestry.com has a package deal on sale today. You should get one so we can finally find out what your DNA is."
"No thanks. I'm too afraid to find out that I might be kin to a schnauzer."

"I picked up the bedroom furniture you ordered. It's the wrong size."
"What do you mean? I bought a dresser and two end tables."
"The furniture is for a baby's room. The drawers wouldn't even hold a stack of onesies, let alone my t-shirts."
"I'm not sending it back. We just have to make it work."
"Then you can forget about filling it with adult diapers when you're old. And don't be surprised if the nightstands come with baby bottle holders."

"THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 21 AND 61: AT 21, YOU'RE FULL OF ENERGY AND EXUBERANCE. AT 61, YOU'RE LEFT HOLDING A BAG OF LEFTOVERS"


"I just don't feel attractive anymore. My skin is as saggy and wrinkly as an elephant's, and no one wants to f#@k an elephant."

"Male UTIs are the worst. It feels as if someone put a cattle prod up my urethra."


"Why do you always attract so many mosquitos? They're swarming all over you."
"Because my DNA is made up of 40% crap."

"I look so old----people probably mistake me for the grim reaper."

"Our favorite doctor is no longer on our insurance plan. I really need to get an endoscopy for my esophagus, but with my luck, I'll be sent to a doctor named 'One Tooth Fred' who'll put the tube up the wrong orifice."


 
    Is it any wonder why I've been married to this guy for 33 years? He keeps me laughing, and laughter keeps us both young. It's a win-win situation. I think I'll keep him.

    Welcome to the April edition of Fly On the Wall groups postings, hosted by  Baking In A Tornado.  Today, 15 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you'd see if you were a fly on the wall in their homes.
 
    As for my house, there has been a lot of yawning going on. Lately, I'm always tired. The Hubs is tired too, and now the teen is tired. Heck, I'm beginning to feel envious of my dogs because they get to nap all day long. I'm trying to combat my drowsiness with more coffee, but even after several cups of java strong enough to wake the dead, I'm STILL yawning at the gym and dreaming of when I can curl up on my Tempur-Pedic.

     Here's a glimpse of some odd, conversational tidbits going on around me while I was trying to sneak in a few cat naps over the weekends:


"I wish our female dog was spayed. When she gets her period, she leaves her doggy DNA all over the new carpet."

"Why don't stores sell elephant print leggings for working out?"
"Because no sane woman would wear elephants plastered all over her butt and thighs while doing squats at the gym."

"Don't bother me while I'm writing."
"Are you working on the new book?"
"Nope. This little piece is known as Book Proposal Purgatory."

"When you have A.D.D., your brain is like a computer with 20 tabs open all at once."

"You know we can't afford another car, Hon. You can still squeeze a few more years out of that 1999 Honda Odyssey minivan."
"That's easy for you to say! I'm the only man in Broward County driving the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car from hell."

"When it comes to quality time in the bathroom, our son defies the success of any odor-eliminating spray."

"Nana, do you want a lobster roll or lobster ravioli for dinner?"
"No thank you. I don't like my lobster adulterated."

"I'm convinced that stemless wine glasses were invented for sloppy drunks."

"On Pinterest, it says that pinning a dryer sheet to your shirt will ward off mosquitoes when you're outside.  I have a better idea---just pin a poopy diaper to your hat. I'm pretty sure that would keep the mosquitoes away."
"Yeah, but then you'd be inviting the flies to a feast."

"I'm so full from dinner, I feel like someone put a sandbag in my stomach."

"It doesn't matter if you're in your 80's---you can still join a Cross Fit Class. But it will have a different name----like "Wheel Chair Aerobics" or "Walker Workout."

"If you eat that blueberry, raisin, and apple bran muffin before going to Zumba, you're going to end up with fruit flavored flatulence at the gym."

"After all the margaritas I've consumed tonight, I think the last mosquito that just bit me is going to be hungover for a week."

***I also did a funny interview over at Questionable Choices In Parenting this week. You can find it here: http://74.220.207.116/~questir1/2014/04/02/mother-perfect-mother-unique-mothers-day-giveaway-interview-menopausal-mother/

***Last but not least, Meno Mama was featured again on one of her favorite sites, The Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop! You can read my funny take on aging here: http://humorwriters.org/2014/04/04/vultures-waiting

Wish me luck, Folks-----heading out next week to my very first humor writer's conference (Erma Bombeck Conference) in Ohio!! WHOO-HOO!!!!!