Menopausal Mother

    Welcome to the April edition of Fly On the Wall groups postings, hosted by  Baking In A Tornado.  Today, 15 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you'd see if you were a fly on the wall in their homes.
 
    As for my house, there has been a lot of yawning going on. Lately, I'm always tired. The Hubs is tired too, and now the teen is tired. Heck, I'm beginning to feel envious of my dogs because they get to nap all day long. I'm trying to combat my drowsiness with more coffee, but even after several cups of java strong enough to wake the dead, I'm STILL yawning at the gym and dreaming of when I can curl up on my Tempur-Pedic.

     Here's a glimpse of some odd, conversational tidbits going on around me while I was trying to sneak in a few cat naps over the weekends:


"I wish our female dog was spayed. When she gets her period, she leaves her doggy DNA all over the new carpet."

"Why don't stores sell elephant print leggings for working out?"
"Because no sane woman would wear elephants plastered all over her butt and thighs while doing squats at the gym."

"Don't bother me while I'm writing."
"Are you working on the new book?"
"Nope. This little piece is known as Book Proposal Purgatory."

"When you have A.D.D., your brain is like a computer with 20 tabs open all at once."

"You know we can't afford another car, Hon. You can still squeeze a few more years out of that 1999 Honda Odyssey minivan."
"That's easy for you to say! I'm the only man in Broward County driving the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car from hell."

"When it comes to quality time in the bathroom, our son defies the success of any odor-eliminating spray."

"Nana, do you want a lobster roll or lobster ravioli for dinner?"
"No thank you. I don't like my lobster adulterated."

"I'm convinced that stemless wine glasses were invented for sloppy drunks."

"On Pinterest, it says that pinning a dryer sheet to your shirt will ward off mosquitoes when you're outside.  I have a better idea---just pin a poopy diaper to your hat. I'm pretty sure that would keep the mosquitoes away."
"Yeah, but then you'd be inviting the flies to a feast."

"I'm so full from dinner, I feel like someone put a sandbag in my stomach."

"It doesn't matter if you're in your 80's---you can still join a Cross Fit Class. But it will have a different name----like "Wheel Chair Aerobics" or "Walker Workout."

"If you eat that blueberry, raisin, and apple bran muffin before going to Zumba, you're going to end up with fruit flavored flatulence at the gym."

"After all the margaritas I've consumed tonight, I think the last mosquito that just bit me is going to be hungover for a week."

    Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall, a group posting hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. My issue this month is not with flies, but with mosquitoes. Those blood suckers are EVERYWHERE this summer! They're like the annoying, uninvited guest who crashes your BBQ, drinks all you beer and steals the last of the potato salad. I'm fed up with these bionic insects from hell  and would rather deal with the flies.


     If you were a fly (or a mosquito) on the wall at my house, this is what you would have heard at the BBQ:

"The dog snores so loud, she sounds like she just inhaled a pig."

"I don't understand why we still have so many mosquitoes in our yard when we've done every method possible to combat the little vampires from sucking our blood."
"Obviously, we have the Russian Chernobyl strain."

"I love our Tempur-Pedic mattress!"
"I don't! If I'm near the edge, it sags downward and makes me feel like I'm free-falling off a cliff. The memory foam remembers that I'm not a rock climber."

"There was a free tree giveaway at the park today."
"I know, but by the time I got there, all the good trees were gone. The only thing left were the tiny trees. I thought I'd stepped into a chapter of Gulliver's Travels."

"When I'm lying in bed at night and I have the urge to pee, I slap my bladder to stop the urge."
"So…..what does that make you? A bladder slapper?"

"Let me get this straight…..you sent a taxidermy raccoon to The Bloggess for publicity purposes?"
"Yep. And it worked. Got a nice thank you message and blurb from her for my book cover."
"Maybe from now on I need to send in taxidermy rodents along with my job applications."
"If I catch you hovering around my chinchilla cages too long, I'm kicking you out."


"Why do you stand so long in front of the open refrigerator? I'm beginning to think you're looking for the Museum of International Foods."

"Thankfully we have hurricane impact windows, otherwise they would have shattered by now over our granddaughter's wild banshee screams."

"My stomach hurt so bad that I thought it was either gallstones, a hernia, or I was having labor pains."
"Since You're a man, you know you can rule out one of those things right away."
"Yeah, we can rule out the hernia because the last heavy thing I lifted was a six pack of beer."

"What did I do to deserve a dirty toilet brush on my tongue?"
"That was an accident! I didn't mean to tap your tongue with the brush!"
"It was like licking a lollipop with bristles….or a Charms Blow Pop the smelled like feces."



     I hope you enjoyed your voyeuristic view of my crazy family life. Don't forget to visit the other 13 bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall.  AND REMEMBER: Beware of the brown toilet brush!


****Want more Meno Mama? This week you can find me TWICE on the Huffington Post! Holy Moly! First is my serious post about raising an ungrateful generation of children over at The Huffington Post here:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/rude-children-_b_5589057.html and then they featured my funny one on colonoscopies here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/i-need-a-what_b_5615732.html. I also have a humorous post for you about my husband's unemployment featured over at the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. You can read that one here: http://humorwriters.org/2014/07/19/5314