Menopausal Mother

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, three bloggers are bravely letting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind closed doors. 

     The nosy fly watched me decorate my entire house this month in Halloween-themed stuff and of course, I already loaded up on bags of candy (no, I did NOT open any yet!). I also celebrated my birthday last week and it was the most PERFECT day. Nothing is sweeter than having family around me to celebrate another year around the planet. I have no idea how I got so lucky and I truly feel blessed for all the love in my life. 

     In other news, I'm leaving next week for my first ever cruise! Yeah, I know I always said I'd never do one (remember the Titanic!) but there are no icebergs around here so I feel fairly safe. We are going with the family to celebrate my granddaughter's 3rd birthday----just a few days around some islands. I heard there is free ice cream on the ship everywhere you look and more food than I will know what to do with. Not so great for my diet. Help me, Jesus! 

Here are some of the weird conversations the fly overheard at my house this month:

"I'm nervous about going on our cruise next week since I've never been on one. What was it like when you went?"

"That was so long ago that it wasn't even called a cruise. It was called an ark. And there were no people on board, just animals in sets of twos.....

     Now if you will excuse me, I need to go pack for a cruise. I hope there are plenty of bathrooms on the boat for the Urinator......

****WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Check out my latest for Always Pets HERE and HERE

Be sure to click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

 

Baking In A Tornado                  https://www.BakingInATornado.com

Menopausal Mother                   http://www.menopausalmom.com/

Wandering Web Designer      https://wanderingwebdesigner.com/blog

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, five brave bloggers are welcoming you into their homes for a peek at what goes on behind closed doors. At my house, the fly is always entertained by my husband's witty comebacks. No matter what comment I make, Mac has something to add to it. Unfortunately, these funny conversations often take place late at night while I'm trying to sleep. I say something, then he says something weird back, and then I can't stop laughing, which sends me into a coughing fit....and then I have to pee. That pretty much sums up my evenings.

     Here's a little sampler platter of our latest midnight conversations:



"At your funeral, instead of putting up sentimental photos of you in a slideshow, I'm going to share photos of every weird thing you've ever done."
"That's going to be the longest funeral in history."


"You must be getting old. The first thing you do every morning is take Meloxicam just so you can get out of bed without  pain."
"It could be worse. What if the first thing I needed to get out of bed was an antiinflammatory suppository?"

"Your stomach feels like a big, hard lump."
"Don't worry----that's not a tumor. It's last night's noodle casserole."


"You're not sleeping well because the window is open and there's a strong breeze blowing through."
"No, it's because there are too many strong rum drinks blowing through me."


"Can you reach the light switch? Your arm is longer than mine."
"Not everything on me is long anymore, you know......"

"When I put the food that I ate today into my Fitness Pal app, it answered by telling me I need to go on a diet."
"That's because your stomach has a built-in GPS system for navigating the best snacks in the house. "


     Maybe tonight when I go to bed, I'll just fake-sleep so that my husband doesn't keep me awake. Ha! Who am I kidding? My bladder will never let me sleep through the night anyway....

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? You can read my interview on the craft of writing with Writer CEO HERE,  And my latest for CONSIDERABLE HERE.  But what I'm REALLY excited about is the publication of my first article with AARP on eye health, which you can read HERE.




Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

     My husband accuses me of talking too much, especially when I get together with my gal pals. He might be right, but I swear, there are times when I know to keep quiet. And there are plenty of sentences you will NEVER hear me say. Ever. This would include:

"Can I hold your pet tarantula? He looks so cute and fuzzy."

"I'd like to purchase an airline ticket...."

"Please invite me to your baby shower so that I can watch you open 30 gifts over the course of three hours."

"Of course I'd love to go to a Miami Dolphins football game in 90 degree heat and drink a warm beer with you."


"Keep driving---I don't mind holding my leaky bladder another 50 miles until the next restroom stop."

"I can easily give up wine for Lent."

"We don't have to order dessert after dinner."

"I'd love to go swimsuit shopping!"

"Yes, I ate the entire box of chocolates by myself."

"Nap? I don't need to nap. That's for old people."

"I can give up social media anytime."

"This cabbage soup diet sounds like a lot of fun."

"Sure, invite me to your Essential Oils party."

"A Cross Training program at 5:30 a.m.? Count me in!"

"I don't need under eye concealer."

"Yes, let's stop dying my hair. I'd be thrilled to go natural gray."

"I don't need any more dogs."

"I'd be happy to babysit your rambunctious toddler in the hotel room while you go bar hopping for five hours."

"We should turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees to lower our monthly electric bill. A little sweat won't hurt me."

"I don't need to keep blogging because hey, who has time for humor?"

   
     Humor is EVERYTHING. As Erma Bombeck once said, "When humor goes, there goes civilization." I couldn't agree more. Keep laughing, my friends.

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I was on Her Story this week sharing an article about losing my sister. You can read it here: http://herstryblg.com/true/2018/4/10/soaring-with-eagles I was also featured on Blunt Moms with my aviation traumatization story which you can read here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/why-you-wont-catch-me-on-a-plane/

    Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall, a group posting hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. My issue this month is not with flies, but with mosquitoes. Those blood suckers are EVERYWHERE this summer! They're like the annoying, uninvited guest who crashes your BBQ, drinks all you beer and steals the last of the potato salad. I'm fed up with these bionic insects from hell  and would rather deal with the flies.


     If you were a fly (or a mosquito) on the wall at my house, this is what you would have heard at the BBQ:

"The dog snores so loud, she sounds like she just inhaled a pig."

"I don't understand why we still have so many mosquitoes in our yard when we've done every method possible to combat the little vampires from sucking our blood."
"Obviously, we have the Russian Chernobyl strain."

"I love our Tempur-Pedic mattress!"
"I don't! If I'm near the edge, it sags downward and makes me feel like I'm free-falling off a cliff. The memory foam remembers that I'm not a rock climber."

"There was a free tree giveaway at the park today."
"I know, but by the time I got there, all the good trees were gone. The only thing left were the tiny trees. I thought I'd stepped into a chapter of Gulliver's Travels."

"When I'm lying in bed at night and I have the urge to pee, I slap my bladder to stop the urge."
"So…..what does that make you? A bladder slapper?"

"Let me get this straight…..you sent a taxidermy raccoon to The Bloggess for publicity purposes?"
"Yep. And it worked. Got a nice thank you message and blurb from her for my book cover."
"Maybe from now on I need to send in taxidermy rodents along with my job applications."
"If I catch you hovering around my chinchilla cages too long, I'm kicking you out."


"Why do you stand so long in front of the open refrigerator? I'm beginning to think you're looking for the Museum of International Foods."

"Thankfully we have hurricane impact windows, otherwise they would have shattered by now over our granddaughter's wild banshee screams."

"My stomach hurt so bad that I thought it was either gallstones, a hernia, or I was having labor pains."
"Since You're a man, you know you can rule out one of those things right away."
"Yeah, we can rule out the hernia because the last heavy thing I lifted was a six pack of beer."

"What did I do to deserve a dirty toilet brush on my tongue?"
"That was an accident! I didn't mean to tap your tongue with the brush!"
"It was like licking a lollipop with bristles….or a Charms Blow Pop the smelled like feces."



     I hope you enjoyed your voyeuristic view of my crazy family life. Don't forget to visit the other 13 bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall.  AND REMEMBER: Beware of the brown toilet brush!


****Want more Meno Mama? This week you can find me TWICE on the Huffington Post! Holy Moly! First is my serious post about raising an ungrateful generation of children over at The Huffington Post here:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/rude-children-_b_5589057.html and then they featured my funny one on colonoscopies here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/i-need-a-what_b_5615732.html. I also have a humorous post for you about my husband's unemployment featured over at the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. You can read that one here: http://humorwriters.org/2014/07/19/5314