Menopausal Mother

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, four bloggers are bravely inviting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind closed doors.


At our house, life is slowly getting back to normal. We are emerging hesitantly from the quarantine and into the outside world. I'm feeling a bit like one of the Morlocks from H.G. Wells' movie "The Time Machine" ( and I probably look like one, too!). The lifting of lockdown restrictions in my area has meant more time spent with my adult kids and grandkids, which has been awesome. We were able to celebrate my daughter's 31st birthday after a quick stop at the cemetery to take flowers to her twin brother (you can read Jason's story that was published last year in The New York Times HERE). She and her fiance just moved into a house and lucky for us, it is nearby, plus it has a pool! Yay!

The not-so-great thing that happened earlier this month was that my youngest pug became very ill out of the blue and needed emergency lung surgery. He had an extremely rare condition but it was fixable through surgery, so of course, we did whatever possible to save our fur baby's life (Yoda is only three). I'm happy to report that he is now doing GREAT, running around, and playing with his other puggy siblings. Life is good!

As for the fly on the wall, he has overheard a few interesting snippets of humor around our house this month:


"By my calculations, I expect I'll be giving birth in December to my pandemic food baby."
"Lucky you. My COVID-19 food baby is already full-term."

"This coffee went right through me. I need to go to the bathroom ASAP."
"Me too!"
"That's how you can tell we've been married a long time---our bowels are in sync."

"Our water bill has gotten ridiculously high. Maybe we should only shower once a week to lower cost!"
"That would most definitely enforce social distancing."

"I was once young and virile."
"Now you're just old and sterile."

"You give me such large portions at mealtime that I'm afraid I'm going to get a hernia carrying my dinner plate."

"Aren't you going to stay and watch Good Morning America's 'Play Of The Day' segment?"
"No, because Mother Nature is calling and I need to go do my poop of the day."

"Hey Mom, can I borrow your air mattress? I think it's in your closet."
"I doubt that I can find it. There could be another family living in that closet and I wouldn't even know it."

     And....that's a wrap! See you next month with all of the other Morlocks!



Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today six bloggers are bravely inviting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what you might find if you were a nosy fly buzzing around their house.

Things have finally quieted down since my son's wedding last month (You can read all about it here) but what a crazy month and a half it has been! My husband and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary together, and then one of my closest friends flew in from Louisiana to visit for a few days. To give you an idea of how things went when we spent some much-needed girl time together, we ended up closing down a bar. I'd forgotten what it was like to be 25 (but my body felt like it was 75 in the morning). The hangover struggle is REAL.

The wedding came and went (far too fast!!) on April 20th, and then two days later SURPRISE!! I ended up having emergency eye surgery for a torn retina. Actually, it was torn in three places and before you ask, no, I didn't have any kind of head trauma. My condition started as Posterior Vitreous Detachment, which is common when you get OLDER. Yeah, something else we get to look forward to as we age (as if wrinkles, menopause and weight gain wasn't enough). The surgery to cauterize the retinal tears felt like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vadar battling it out with their laser wands in my eyeball. But things are much better now, and I CAN SEE!!

Despite the crazy few weeks we had here, my husband was never short on humor....


"Why do I keep getting cobwebs all over me?"
"Because you're old."

"I don't feel good."
"Eat a cheese stick."
"That's your solution to everything! Got a stomach ache? Eat a cheese stick. Depressed? Eat a cheese stick. Sleepy? Eat a cheese stick. Enough with the cheese sticks! It's pissing me off."
"Well then....eat a cheese stick."

"Why is our pug humping a pillow?"
"She has an innate need to dominate all the pillows in the house."

"You just had the laser surgery. Be careful---don't cough too hard---your eye might pop out."
"THAT IS NOT WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID."

"If I keep dancing like this, I'm not gonna just throw my back out; I'm gonna lose a few vertebrae and be three inches shorter by the end of the evening."

"You must like Spandex---you wear it all the time."
"Oh sure, I love having my internal organs pushed up into my throat."

"Game of Thrones is over and my life will never be the same."
"That's because you never had much of a life to begin with...."
"Be careful what you say; I'll pull a Daenerys Targaryen on you if you don't stop."
"Not unless you hatch a few baby dragons first."

"Why does our toilet make that weird, high-pitched sound whenever we flush it?"
"It's screaming in horror."

"I noticed that you never use your expensive gravity blanket in bed anymore."
"It weighs too much. If a burglar broke in, I wouldn't be able to get up to stop him. But the real reason is that I'm afraid of being trapped underneath it when I need to pee at 3:00 a.m."


     I'm glad my eyeball is better now. I'd hate to have missed out on all the fun around here.



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Last week I was featured on Indelible Ink with a humor essay on clothes shopping. You can read it here: https://medium.com/indelible-ink/one-size-fits-none-c6157e38fcf2.  PSSSSSS! If you like what you read, click on the clapping hands in the left margin of the article---I actually get paid for readership! Thanks!


Click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

 
    Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today 13 bloggers are bravely opening their doors to you so that you can be a fly on the wall in their homes.

     I'm enjoying a relaxing summer with my family despite the heat, humidity and mosquitoes. We've been spending a lot of time at the beach in the evenings where I go all "Martha Stewart" and set up a special place for us to picnic. Yes, I actually have a chandelier that hangs from my little tent along with strings of Chinese lanterns and solar lights. We play corn hole and frisbee by sunset and it is at these times that I feel truly blessed to claim this wacky tribe as my family.


     If you were a fly on the wall at our house (or at one of our beach picnics) this month, this is what you would have overheard:

"I ate too much pasta salad at the picnic tonight. I feel like I'm birthing a noodle baby."

"This website that wants to feature one of my blog posts just asked for a photo of me in my natural habitat. That means I need to send them a picture of me with a drink in my hand."

"My armpits stink so bad after being at the beach all day. They smell like sour cream and onion chips."

"I think I missed my calling in life. I could have been a competitive hotdog eater."
"Which is why you've earned the nickname, 'Beefy McSexy.'"

"I've got jello shits from the jello shots we took at the 4th of July party. Everything is coming out like a rainbow."

"Stop rolling over in bed the same time that I roll over."
"I can't help it if we sleep like synchronized swimmers."


"Some mistakes are just too fun to only make once!"

"He wants everyone to party with him every night, but he's the lone wolf when it comes to drinking shots of whiskey."

" I just found an interesting job on the internet. It calls for experience in transitioning cows, replacement heifer programming and experience in milking parlor management. I could be a dairy farmer herdsman!"
"The only thing you know how to herd are the pugs when you hustle them outside to pee."

"I don't like this new toilet paper. It's too rough, don't you think?"
"You're talking to a girl who had to wipe her backside with leaves in the Black Forest at one time, so don't ask me about texture."

"You're so A.D.D. you need to Google search for stuff in our house."

"The true definition of hell is the waiting room at the Sears automotive repair center where there's only a crappy TV and a stack of outdated car magazines."


That's pretty much a recap of my summer so far. As always, I'm living the Looney Tune life. Now go check out all the other brave ladies who are participating in today's Fly posts!


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm beyond thrilled to be featured this week on Honest Mom. I'm part of the "Speak Out" essay section with my post on "The Truth About Depression." You can read it HERE: 

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The wall Group Posts! Today, sixteen courageous bloggers are inviting you into their homes for a glimpse of what goes on behind closed doors.

The fly that has been buzzing around my crazy household this month has seen me go through a roller coaster of emotions---anxiety, fear, relief and elation as the editing process on my forthcoming book, "Who Stole My Spandex?" reached the final stage of completion. A week ago, I left my "baby" in the very capable hands of my publisher. Since that day, the fly has witnessed my nail biting habit in full swing, along with me staring blankly at the computer screen. Yes, the anticipation is killing me. Mark your calendars, folks. Black Friday, Nov. 28 is LAUNCH DAY!

I've been too nervous lately to be funny, but as always, I can rely on my family for humorous blog fodder. Here's what the fly overheard in my crazy house recently:



"We're hopelessly lost. I think my GPS is drunk."

"I would only consider plastic surgery if the doctors could put my food baby belly on my butt. They could call the procedure a 'bellybottomy'."


"Ahhhh…the innocence of youth….when a two-year-old tries to put a dirty toilet plunger in her mouth."

"I'm going to cut you off from the wine now, because nobody sings 'This Land is My Land' or 'Leavin' On A Jet Plane' when they're sober."

"What the heck is this Farmers.com site I keep hearing about?"
"It's a site for lonely dairy cows looking for true love."

"I'm awake, but if you're expecting bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, go catch a squirrel."

"You're about to exceed the limits of my Prozac."

"A meal without wine is called breakfast."

"My belt, socks and baseball cap are black. My shirt and my pants are also black. NOW do I look thinner?"

"Whoever stole all of my leftover chicken salad from the fridge is a Motherclucker!"

"I just heard a commercial from a place called Harbour House for the Blind, and they're looking for used car donations. Isn't that an oxymoron…. cars for the blind?"

"I can't stop spilling beer into my mouth."

"What are you--the World Pug Herding Champion"?

"If you keep weary my socks, then I'm going to start wearing your underwear."

"I just burped and farted at the same time. It's called a 'Bart'."

"I know how I can help you sell your book. I'm going to wear an owl costume, stand by the highway with a bag of books and yell, "Whoo! Whoo! Who hasn't read this book?"


You heard the owl, folks. Buy the book on Amazon November 28th! WHOO WHOO!

   
 It's Fly On The Wall time for 15 bloggers, hosted by the lovely Karen from http://bakinginatornado.com.  You crazy people must love being voyeurs because you keep coming back for more of my homegrown insanity. You want to be a fly on the wall in my house? Have at it---but don't say I didn't warn you!

     I don't ask for the weird. The weird finds me in the form of family gatherings. And when we get together, there's no such thing as a serious discussion in my home. The minute things get heavy, somebody breaks out in a Journey song....or announces that their
bowels are going to erupt like Mount St. Helens....or starts dancing in the middle of the room like they're auditioning for a job at a strip club. So I keep my mouth shut and listen to the weirdness that surrounds me every day:

"You know I had a good time in those heels last night if my toe nails fall off."

"That kid is killing our grocery budget. You might as well strap a feed bag on him and call it a day."

"Why didn't you TELL me the dog has hook worms?  I just kissed him!"
"Uh-oh...he ate his poop earlier..."
"OH GAWD! Am I going to get hook worms now, too?"

"A used tampon is a man's kryptonite."

"His farts are so toxic they burn my throat."


"I ate too much Honey Bunches Of Oats this morning and now my bowels hurt. That cereal should be renamed, 'Honey Bunches Of Bullshit'."

"I think the laundry breeds while we sleep. There's baby socks in there, and we don't have a baby."

"I can't stay in this ice bar much longer. My testicles are receding. If they go
up any further, I'll be singing soprano in The Vienna Boy's Choir."

"There's nothing wrong with sitting in a pub for three hours."
"That depends on if you walk out or have to be carried out."

"I just gave you life."
"You're NOT supposed
to give CPR to a CONSCIOUS person!"
"I had to practice my life saving skills."
"No, you blew into my mouth and made me throw up. I think I just coughed up a third lung in the backyard!!"

"Quit playing air guitar in the car. You look like the Geico lizard on steroids."

"Stop deep-throating that cheese stick!"

"They're selling goat's milk fudge? I'd eat it as long as it came out of the right end of the goat."

     Stick around my madhouse. There's more weirdness where that came from. But I'll warn you....it's contagious! In the meantime, go check out the other bloggers brave enough to participate in today's Fly On The Wall.




 

   
 Welcome to another edition of the Fly On The Wall Series, hosted by Karen at http://www.bakinginatornado.com. That pesky fly has been busy buzzing around the 12 bloggers participating in today's group challenge. He even followed me on a recent family vacation and left with an earful. My guess is that after spending a week with us on the road, he dove into the nearest martini to drown the memory of what he witnessed during our trip:

"I've had so much coffee on this road trip, I could hang a Starbuck's sign on my bladder."

"Stop feeding the pug banana bread! It may smell good going in but it smells really bad coming out."

"Don't make me laugh so hard in the car---I have to pee!"
"Next time remind me to get plastic seat covers..."

"Too bad it rained, because I was really looking forward to zip lining over an alligator pit."

"Why are we the only people in the hotel gym with Solo cups full of champagne?"
"Because the lounge was closed. This way we can drink and burn off the calories at the same time. Oh
look! There's champagne cup holders on every treadmill!"


"Did you just fart in the pool?"
"Um...no...why?"
"Because your swim trunks are billowing out like a flotation device."

"Oh great...take the guy with no cartilage in his knees on a rocky, ten mile hike through the woods...yeah, that's my idea of a fun, family
bonding moment."

"What on earth took you so long at the gas station?"
"We were comparing penises in the restroom."

"We've had so much to drink since we've been on vacation, my liver is crying out for an AA meeting."

"Stop dropping gas bombs in the car. You smell like processed ass."
"You're the one who bought me the fried chicken tenders, Dad. They upset my stomach."
"Chicken tenders? More like chicken stinkers out the butt."

"Nothing like driving a car with a transmission that bucks you out of your seat."

"We took a wrong turn on that last trail. I think we're lost. We could be in China for all I know."
"I think we've just entered another dimension, known as the Twilight Zone."
"Or we're starring in a new movie---Paranormal: The Woods Edition"
"I told you we should have left a trail of breadcrumbs..."

"Hon, you've eaten so much on this trip, I think we need to stop at Walmart and get you some men's maternity pants."

"Stop making booger patches on your side of the car!"

"Why aren't you going inside the caves with us?"
"Because I'm probably older than most of those stalagmites. And I'm claustrophobic. I might have a heart attack. Paramedics don't respond to cave calls."
"I don't understand what caused you to be so claustrophobic."
"I got trapped inside a mole hole as a child."

"Stop using the gingerbread cookie air freshener in the bathroom to mask your poops. Next year when I smell Christmas cookies baking in the oven, I'll think of poop."

"I know its been raining a lot, but it'll pass."
"Yeah, about as quickly as a gallstone."

"It's about time you got into a pool after 15 years. This is a HUGE event...sort of like man's first visit to the moon.... one small step for Marcia,
one giant leap into the pool."

"Why did you guys sprint ahead at the park and leave me behind in an open field with lightning, rain, 50 mile per hour winds and a funnel cloud above? You knew I couldn't run the mile back to the car with my bad knees."
"It's not our fault you're the injured buffalo in the herd."
"That means you'd leave me behind to be eaten by the wolves?"
"We didn't want to get hit by lightning or sucked up in a tornado. You were moving too slow for us!"
"I was busy clicking my heels, trying to get back to Kansas."



     And this, folks, is how we vacation Doyle style. I'm off now to swat a fly and fill my Solo cup with champagne. Be sure to visit the other bloggers in today's challenge!