Menopausal Mother

   
 It's Fly On The Wall time for 15 bloggers, hosted by the lovely Karen from http://bakinginatornado.com.  You crazy people must love being voyeurs because you keep coming back for more of my homegrown insanity. You want to be a fly on the wall in my house? Have at it---but don't say I didn't warn you!

     I don't ask for the weird. The weird finds me in the form of family gatherings. And when we get together, there's no such thing as a serious discussion in my home. The minute things get heavy, somebody breaks out in a Journey song....or announces that their
bowels are going to erupt like Mount St. Helens....or starts dancing in the middle of the room like they're auditioning for a job at a strip club. So I keep my mouth shut and listen to the weirdness that surrounds me every day:

"You know I had a good time in those heels last night if my toe nails fall off."

"That kid is killing our grocery budget. You might as well strap a feed bag on him and call it a day."

"Why didn't you TELL me the dog has hook worms?  I just kissed him!"
"Uh-oh...he ate his poop earlier..."
"OH GAWD! Am I going to get hook worms now, too?"

"A used tampon is a man's kryptonite."

"His farts are so toxic they burn my throat."


"I ate too much Honey Bunches Of Oats this morning and now my bowels hurt. That cereal should be renamed, 'Honey Bunches Of Bullshit'."

"I think the laundry breeds while we sleep. There's baby socks in there, and we don't have a baby."

"I can't stay in this ice bar much longer. My testicles are receding. If they go
up any further, I'll be singing soprano in The Vienna Boy's Choir."

"There's nothing wrong with sitting in a pub for three hours."
"That depends on if you walk out or have to be carried out."

"I just gave you life."
"You're NOT supposed
to give CPR to a CONSCIOUS person!"
"I had to practice my life saving skills."
"No, you blew into my mouth and made me throw up. I think I just coughed up a third lung in the backyard!!"

"Quit playing air guitar in the car. You look like the Geico lizard on steroids."

"Stop deep-throating that cheese stick!"

"They're selling goat's milk fudge? I'd eat it as long as it came out of the right end of the goat."

     Stick around my madhouse. There's more weirdness where that came from. But I'll warn you....it's contagious! In the meantime, go check out the other bloggers brave enough to participate in today's Fly On The Wall.