Menopausal Mother

     It has been awhile since I've deleted the junk in my SPAM folder. The last time I did it, I found all sorts if interesting invitations (you can read the post HERE). I recently did a clean sweep on my laptop and found a bevy of new, hilarious offers in my SPAM. This stuff never gets old, so it's only fair that I share the latest, HOT OFFERS with you, so that you can get in on these "awesome" deals:

1. Sexy CPAP options (the new "zoo line" masks come in zebra print or leopard spot to make bedtime more interesting).

2. Diet pills that claim you can eat like a Viking and still maintain a beach-ready, bikini body (what size is the bikini?).

3. Toenail fungus removal (complete with an amputation kit).

4. Cheap car insurance (by the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Auto Insurance Company).

5. Divorce attorneys (who also moonlight for Ashley Madison).

6. Inexpensive laser hair removal (yes, you too, can look like a plucked chicken!).

7. Miracle pills for breast enhancement (ever notice there's nothing for a breast reductions?).

8. An invitation to join a single seniors dating website for naughty fun (bringing sexy back with designer, leak-proof undergarments and crotchless support hose).

9. Miracle hearing aids guaranteed to improve hearing (in other words, your husband no longer has an excuse to tune you out).

10. Testosterone boosters ( in case you need your erection to last longer than eight hours. What kind of beast are you??).

11. Cremation burial services (why is this ad sponsored by a premium garden mulch company?).

12. Bladder solutions for an overactive bladder (the kit includes a free bottle of Super Glue).

13. Got flatulence? Try the new FLATU-CORK (12 adjustable corks to stop up your gas before you stink up a room).      

14. A message from clairvoyant John: "IMPORTANT, PLEASE OPEN" ( there's a computer virus in your future).

     Want any of these terrific deals? Just open up your SPAM folder. I'll bet it's brimming with marriage proposals from India and buy-one-get-one-free deals on plastic surgery!


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I have a crazy, funny NEW post up this week on Purple Clover! Check out "The Queen of Bad Teeth" : http://www.purpleclover.com/health/6181--queen-bad-teeth/
I also had a post featured on The Good Men Project---"10 Things I Never Imagined I Needed To Say To My Teen Son" http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/10-things-never-imagined-needed-say-teen-son-jrmk/

     Pee-u! This fly got stuck in the stink house! Today I'm participating in another Fly On The Wall Group posting with 14 other bloggers, hosted by Karen at Baking In A Tornado. I don't think the fly knew what hit him when he became privy to all the stinky things going on in our home. I'm talking clogged toilets and methane gas. If you have a sensitive stomach or can't handle poop talk, now would be a good time to strap on some nose plugs or exit the area.

     If you were a fly on the wall in my house, you would have gagged while overhearing the following conversations (and the smells) this month:

"Don't leave the baby's dirty diaper out where the dog can get to it. That's a diaper bean enchilada to him."

"It smells really bad in the bathroom. What did you do, poop out an entire cow?"

"The kind of goat cheese they make in Missouri is NOT the kind of goat cheese you want to eat on a cracker."

"I just got extra carbs from breathing in the pug's fart."

" I had no idea our granddaughter could scream so loud. She sounds like she needs a priest to come in and perform an exorcism."

"I'm the taco to your hotdog."
"What? I'm not a kielbasa?"

"You can't eat your dinner if you have poop on your hands."

"I had a dream last night that I was back in the 7th grade. The problem was that I still had my goatee and chest hairs."

"I'm going to start a toenail farm. I'll harvest toenails for people in need."

"I haven't showered in three days. My nether region smells like road kill."

"Every dinner at the Doyle house is like a Man vs Food episode."

"No playing with your donut hole!"

"I can't handle listening to you guys sing Annie Lennox's 'Sweet Dreams' in unison. The Von Trapp family you are NOT."
"That's because we're the spin-off group called, "The Von Crapp Family."

"Your feet look like the claw feet on a Griffin leg tub."

"Forget buying Hot Pockets. We have Fart Pockets."

"I just did a manatee shart out of my blow hole."

"Hey Mom----did you know you can donate your eggs to a fertility clinic for $8000.00?"
"Mom's eggs are too old. They're scrambled…..but you should have seen the egg beater that Dad used."

"You're not just out in left field….you're in the lot NEXT to left field."

"There are so many holes in my underwear that sometimes my toe catches in them and trips me."
"That's due to your high flatulence level."
"No, it's due to the work of the Bung Hole Fairies."

"I'm so desperate for work that I applied for a job as a Hula dancer at a Polynesian restaurant."
"Honey, I don't think they're hiring men for that position."

"Someone should invent a special poop glove. It could be washable and lavender scented. It would give new meaning to the term 'Pooper Scooper.' Even better, if you put rotating bristles on it, you could sell it as a Star Wars edition. May The Poop Be With You."

     Forget a fly swatter. Anyone got a can of Glade Air Freshener?



******AWESOME time for Meno Mama! Featured on Huffington Post TWICE this week, along with a post appearing on the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. You can find me here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/benefits-of-aging_b_5465465.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/benefits-of-aging_b_5465465.html
http://humorwriters.org/2014/06/13/10-reasons-go-renaissance-festival

Please visit the homes of the other bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall. Hopefully their homes won't be as stinky as mine!

     I'm not afraid of aging. I've been looking forward to my retirement years since I was in my thirties juggling four children and working two, part-time jobs. While others bemoan the toll that aging takes on their bodies and their lifestyle, I'm pouring over travel sites and counting down the days until I can pull out of the driveway in a brand spanking new RV.
   
     Rather than focusing on the negative aspects of aging, consider the benefits of the midlife years:


1.  Selective Hearing:  This is a totally acceptable symptom of aging. You remain blissfully ignorant of your spouse's complaints over a dry meatloaf and the rap music blasting from your teenager's room. The only thing you can hear clearly is the ice cream truck.

2.  Weight Gain:  You're okay with a new wardrobe of elastic waistband clothing, even if it comes from  the maternity department…. and you know how to rock an animal print muumuu.

3.  Free Time:  You no longer have young children to shuttle from school to football to band practice. This allows you free time to explore using the Bedazzler on all your furniture now that you've discovered a passion for rhinestone studded sofa covers.

4.  Selective Memory:  You might struggle to remember certain things, but luckily you've forgotten the time you twerked at your cousin's wedding and blew out your knee.

5.  Bone Health:  Your bones might be a little more brittle, but that's okay…. as long as you're not planning on scaling Mount Everest on a Vespa. Just remember to take your calcium supplements.

6.  Fatigue:  Reverting to your kindergarten days by carrying a napping mat to work is completely acceptable at your age. No one will question your need for a midday siesta.

7.  Decreased Vision:  Everything is a little blurrier, which is a blessing since your reflection in the mirror resembles a Photoshopped selfie with nary a wrinkle in sight.

8.  Flatulence:  The fiber supplements you've been taking finally kick in.  If a little gas escapes in a public place, nobody thinks you're rude….especially if you're pushing a walker with tennis balls attached to the bottom.

9.  Car Upgrade:  Goodbye, mommy minivan. Hello, Lexus coupe.

10.  Better Sex:  Sex is stress free. You no longer have to worry about birth control or unexpected pregnancies, especially if you're a menopausal female or a man who has had a vasectomy. There's nothing more fun than sharing seats on the neuter mobile.


     The best part of being a midlifer is that retirement is just around the corner. Gas up the RV, slip into your animal print muumuu and enjoy the ride!