Menopausal Mother

     Welcome to another Fly on the Wall group post, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, 12 bloggers are bravely inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in their homes.

     This month, the fly overheard more than he needed to know when it came to conversations between the men in my family. Other than that, we're all buzzing over here about the new edition of my Spandex book that was launched by Booktrope Publishers on Tuesday. Right now, that's a heck of a lot more entertaining to me than discussing the male anatomy. 




"When there's cornstalks growing out of your rain gutters, you know it's time to clean them out."

"Just because you haven't worked for a few days is no excuse to let your whiskers grow so long that you look like a woolly mammoth."

"We can't let him leave the house in that shirt. People will see his breasticles."

"If I don't stop pigging out on all the good food in this house, the 'Manatee Preservation' truck is going to pull up in our driveway."

"You've been in the bathroom way too long. What are you doing, nutscaping your man parts?"

"His dirty laundry pile is so high, I think another family is hiding under there. The least they could do is pay him rent."

"This storm is bad enough to be classified as a 'Hornado'."
"What's THAT?"
"A tornado and a hurricane combined."
"Sounds more like a hooker's stage name."

"If our granddaughter doesn't stop singing B-I-N-G-O, I'm going to go N-U-T-S-O."

"Of course he's scared of having a vasectomy. No man wants to be part of the cropped testicle club."

"If you're going to straighten my spine by popping my back, be sure to do it correctly so that I don't turn into a pile of sand."

"He compares his manhood to a prawn, but it's really more like a langoustine shrimp."

"That new hedge trimmer you bought would come in handy next time you decide to cut your toenails."

"I still haven't found the perfect turkey for Thanksgiving. The largest one I saw was only 28 pounds, not the 35 pounder that I had hoped for to feed our crowd."
"You don't want a turkey; you want an OSTRICH."


     Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Enjoy your day with the family and friends you're blessed with. This is my favorite holiday and one that I look forward to every year! Be sure to keep plenty of Alka-Selter on hand for the day of feasting, or else the Manatee Preservation truck will come looking for you, too!

***I'M EXCITED TO SHARE THE NEWS THAT BOOKTROPE PUBLISHERS JUST RELEASED THE NEW EDITION OF MY BOOK, "WHO STOLE MY SPANDEX? LIFE IN THE HOT FLASH LANE" ON 11/17! YOU CAN PURCHASE IT HERE:  
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B017Y979X0?keywords=Who%20Stole%20my%20spandex%3F&qid=1447957918&ref_=sr_1_2&sr=8-2

     I'm not afraid of aging. I've been looking forward to my retirement years since I was in my thirties juggling four children and working two, part-time jobs. While others bemoan the toll that aging takes on their bodies and their lifestyle, I'm pouring over travel sites and counting down the days until I can pull out of the driveway in a brand spanking new RV.
   
     Rather than focusing on the negative aspects of aging, consider the benefits of the midlife years:


1.  Selective Hearing:  This is a totally acceptable symptom of aging. You remain blissfully ignorant of your spouse's complaints over a dry meatloaf and the rap music blasting from your teenager's room. The only thing you can hear clearly is the ice cream truck.

2.  Weight Gain:  You're okay with a new wardrobe of elastic waistband clothing, even if it comes from  the maternity department…. and you know how to rock an animal print muumuu.

3.  Free Time:  You no longer have young children to shuttle from school to football to band practice. This allows you free time to explore using the Bedazzler on all your furniture now that you've discovered a passion for rhinestone studded sofa covers.

4.  Selective Memory:  You might struggle to remember certain things, but luckily you've forgotten the time you twerked at your cousin's wedding and blew out your knee.

5.  Bone Health:  Your bones might be a little more brittle, but that's okay…. as long as you're not planning on scaling Mount Everest on a Vespa. Just remember to take your calcium supplements.

6.  Fatigue:  Reverting to your kindergarten days by carrying a napping mat to work is completely acceptable at your age. No one will question your need for a midday siesta.

7.  Decreased Vision:  Everything is a little blurrier, which is a blessing since your reflection in the mirror resembles a Photoshopped selfie with nary a wrinkle in sight.

8.  Flatulence:  The fiber supplements you've been taking finally kick in.  If a little gas escapes in a public place, nobody thinks you're rude….especially if you're pushing a walker with tennis balls attached to the bottom.

9.  Car Upgrade:  Goodbye, mommy minivan. Hello, Lexus coupe.

10.  Better Sex:  Sex is stress free. You no longer have to worry about birth control or unexpected pregnancies, especially if you're a menopausal female or a man who has had a vasectomy. There's nothing more fun than sharing seats on the neuter mobile.


     The best part of being a midlifer is that retirement is just around the corner. Gas up the RV, slip into your animal print muumuu and enjoy the ride!