Saturday, June 9, 2012

Shapely Shopping

     My husband thinks I'm every man's dream wife. Is it because I have blonde hair, bake an amazing rum cake, get drunk pretty easily or because I've learned to keep my mouth shut when he's watching a basketball game? Absolutely not. I'm the dream wife because...I HATE SHOPPING! A lot of my lady friends (yes Brigitte, I'm talking about you!) will think I'm nuts for admitting this, but I could care less about designer labels, sexy stilettos or sparkly bling on my fingers. My idea of shopping is lounging on the sofa and thumbing through a Squirrels R Us catalog in search of rodent play accessories.
     The Christmas holidays are a nightmare for me, because I'm forced to go shopping to pick out stuff for OTHER people. This always leaves me feeling a bit queasy and guilt-ridden (for buying them stupid stuff like macrame pot holders) or frustrated for not saving myself some time by getting a handful of generic gift cards. I'd rather have a root canal than troll the malls like a pack mule with numerous shopping bags looped through my arms.
     I am seriously wardrobe challenged, but there always comes a point in my life when I have to go shopping, because my clothes are:

     1)  Out of style (yeah, I know, shoulder pads went out years ago when Dynasty went off the air in 1989).

     2)  Too tight (okay, I promise I'll stop getting that extra dollop of whipped cream in my Starbuck's coffee).

     3)  No longer intend for pregnancy (um...the last kid was born sixteen years ago, but oh, I love those elastic waistband maternity pants!).

     4)  Easily recognizable from being frequently worn. At parties, people keep telling me they like my outfit, and they notice that I must like it too, since I'm still wearing a red Christmas vest with embroidered reindeers on it in the middle of July.

     5)  Worn out. My clothes have more holes in them than a bullet-ridden Model T driven by gangsters during the Prohibition Era.

     Once the clothes in my closet look like they were salvaged from the trunk of a junkyard car, it's time to visit the "house of horrors" I call the local shopping mall.
     Walking through  crowds of cheerful women holding armloads of dresses and men thumbing through stacks of sports jerseys, I find creative ways to avoid the clothes racks. I'll visit the book store, grab a cup of coffee (hold the whipped cream, please) sniff a few Evergreen-scented candles and idly pick lint balls off the store carpet...before I realize how much time has passed and that it's WAY to early to start the cocktail hour.
     First I pass the lingerie department (yeah right, like I'm going to try to squeeze myself in to a hot, pink number the size of a rubber band just to please my husband), which leads me to the aisle where all the bras are hanging like double boulder slingshots (definitely NOT trying on one of those). Shoe section, jewelry, maternity outfits..."Oh, look at those cute, faux denim stretch pants designed to hide a pregnancy bump..." I self-consciously rub my stomach...nope, no baby in there...just the jelly roll the last kid left behind.
     Eventually I pick out a few items (actually, it's twelve, because I grabbed a sampler platter of three different sizes of each outfit). I have no idea what the size du jour is going to be, since my mouth decided that "diet" was a dirty word.
     Wishing to God that I had a shot of vodka to bolster my courage before stepping into the torture chamber (a.k.a dressing room), I loiter around the clearance rack (looking for more lint balls to pick) until a skinny, perky salesclerk approaches me. Her chipper tone sets my teeth on edge when she asks if I'm ready to try on my new clothes. Can't she see that I am breaking out into a hot flash sweat over the moment of truth when my actual dress size will be revealed?
     I am ushered into a mirrored cubicle the size of Thumbelina's closet and told to "have fun" while trying on the clothes. I'm too busy looking for a mini fridge with a bar in the dressing room to respond to the clerk.
     Peeling off my old, comfortable clothes is the hardest part of all. Unless you're built like a model instead of a middle-aged mother of four children, this is where the true horror begins. Because I have to view myself in panoramic 3-D funhouse mirrors that display my front, back and sides. But unlike a carnival, these mirrors aren't warped. My body is.
     Oh. My. God. This is when I experience THE MOMENT; those awful, first few seconds of not recognizing the reflection staring back at me. Immediately I experience an identity crisis---am I a pear, apple, or a pale jellyfish bobbing on the surface of the ocean?
     Deciding that the department store must have gotten a really good deal on mirrors from a traveling circus, I begin weeding through the pile of clothing. One floral print dress fits me like an oversized shower curtain. An orange blouse makes me look like an Oompa Loompa, while an ill-fitting pair of jeans has my flesh oozing out over the top like pale Playdough from a squeeze tube. To make matters worse, the entire act of struggling into torturous clothing designed to compact my muffin top is all done under the unflattering, fluorescent lights that mercilessly expose every fold, flap, bulge and scar bestowed upon the body from childbirth and years of yo-yo dieting.
     I quickly grab armloads of clothing that promise to lift, tuck, flatten and flatter the body...and everything comes in one shade. Black. So what if I end up looking like Batman's grandmother or a widow in mourning for a year? At least I'll look thinner, tighter and slightly squeezed into place like a stack of Pillsbury biscuits in a tube roll, ready to pop.
     I leave the store with a triumphant smile on my face and a bag of clothing resembling the wardrobe in a mortician's closet. Thankfully I won't have to go shopping for awhile. My new clothes should last at least until the Mayan Calendar ends.




91 comments:

  1. LOL I LOVE all of your posts!
    VERY funny and witty! :)
    "Get drunk pretty easily.....".... LOL :P funny!

    My hubby would love it if I hated shopping! Too bad for him, I'll never hate it! LOL

    And oh yea, i'm pretty sure your clothes will last until December! ;)

    xoxo -Shar

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    1. Thanks Shar! I know I must be in that TINY percentage of women who don't like to shop. But then again, if I was built like a 22 year old model, maybe I would...

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  2. Great post and I agree, I like shopping to get a new pocketbook or to Victoria Secret for me, but shopping for others is a headache. I am a Gift Card gifter because of that. :) Enjoyed the posting

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    1. Who ever invented gift cards should win the Nobel Peace prize!

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  3. Thank goodness I am not alone. I loathe shopping. I have no clue what to buy. I think I'm probably the person who bought the Oompa Loompa outfit.
    Had me laughing out loud at this one. Great fun. I'll go shopping with you next time you get the urge...we could always slide off to the champagne bar.
    By the way if the reindeer waistcoat needs a new home.....

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    1. Oh Carol, you are so funny!!! Yes, I would definitely go shopping with you anytime--you're my kind of gal, because we would most certainly end up at the champagne bar---in our newly purchased Oompa Loompa outfits!

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  4. OMG we are twins! Thursday I went through your ordeal; literally, I have not gone actual clothes shopping for years (except once -- I'm posting you that URL). It was horrendous! Same thing. NOTHING fit. And anything with a "waist," forget it. I didn't even come out with black! Nothin" worst part is, I wasted a whole day of WRITING time. I Did the day before get new shorts and crops. In the past year, at 49, I have gained 10 pounds. My doc told me it's because of my age, my metabolism has just slowed down. ANd buying a bathing suit; I got my first skirt suit to hide the tummy! I HATE shopping! And those mirrors! You have to read this post: http://sandrasfiberworks.blogspot.com/2012/01/googling-girdles.html

    You also HAVE to submit this to BLogher.com. They would snap it up. I know you had frustrations, but you really should.

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    1. Thanks for the heads up--I'll check out your blog post and yes, I think I will post it on Blogher--great idea! Hey--at least you can fit into a bathing suit--that's one department I don't walk away from--I RUN!!!!

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  5. I hate hate hate shopping, I have an anxiety attack as soon as I walk into the mall. Sometimes, it gets so bad that I walk out empty handed. My son is the same way, but my daughter would live at the mall if she could.

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    1. I'm with you, girl! My palms start sweating as soon as I pull into the parking lot!

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  6. Girl I am with you on the shopping! I hate it! When I need something, I shop online. I'll return something 5 times in order to get the right size. Shopping in the stores is just depressing to me. Either they don't have the size or everything is built for these skinny lil teeny boppers! haha No thank you! I feel your pain! :)

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    1. I just discovered online clothes shopping and you're right --it is soooo much easier to do it in the privacy of your home--unless you kids walk in on you and your hubby wants you to step out of the room to "model " the outfit. NO thank you!!!

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  7. This post may be my favorite. The reasons, the avoidance, the perky shop clerk; I was chuckling the whole way.

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    1. Glad you liked it, Brian. And I really do hate perky sales clerks!

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  8. So know what you mean. In my house no one else will do the shopping so I have to do it

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    1. True---they can't try on the clothes for you! The only time clothes shopping is fun is if I've been dieting and get to shop for a size smaller---but that RARELY happens to me!

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  9. I do not enjoy shopping as much as other women do but if I find a pair of shoes that fit, I buy them immediately because if you wait until your good pair becomes old and tatty you can never find a perfect pair to replace it.

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    1. Yup! Buy everything in twos so you don't have to go back to the mall again for a loooong time!

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  10. Lol! One more thing we have in common!I hate shopping for clothes and since the factory that made comfortable shoes was moved to somewhere in Asia, I hate shopping for shoes, too.

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    1. I'm telling you, catalogs are the way to go!!!

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  11. I HATE shopping too! I dread the entire process. Sadly, with 14 grandchildren, I usually miss at least several birthdays a year and then I have to find some last-minute item that forces me to venture into the shopping arena. My goal is always to have my grandkids find something online that I can have shipped to their homes BEFORE their birthdays. But instead I find myself scrambling through racks of UFOs (unfamiliar famous objects which I later learn are important items, such as Bakugan and Pokemon). I find the process to be torture. Pure torture. And I despise clothes shopping. Fortunately one of my daughters opened her own consignment boutique and she tells me what would look good on me, because I obviously haven't a clue, even after 60 years! As always, enjoyable blog post.

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    1. Thanks Theresa! I can't imagine the HORROR of having to shop for 14 grandkids!!!! You are very lucky to have a daughter who owns a consignment shop. Let her bring the clothes home to you to avoid the mall altogether!

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  12. Another fantastic narration on life as life happens. I don't think your alone as you think you are though. Most men claim to hate shopping, I'm one of them. But I have met more than a few women who make the same claim. Which is seemingly backed up by the comments left here. You really seem to have a way of expressing yourself that people find very easy to relate too. As always I will be looking forward to your next musings on the humors and horrors of life.

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    1. Thanks, Jon. I sometimes find myself writing these blog posts and thinking, "Am I NUTS for sharing these thoughts with the world? Really throwing myself under the bus here, but if you can't laugh at yourself every now and then....what's the point, right? Thanks again as always for the visit and the kind comments!

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  13. LOL!

    I seriously loathe shopping too. Only exception is bookshops, but then I can do that on Amazon so why would I bother getting up off my butt? ;-)

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    1. I'm with you! I used to love to go to the book store, but now I just get everything on my Nook when I want to read it! That way I can schlepp around in my bathrobe all day and no one will ever know...except for all my blog readers!!!

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  14. OUCH - this shopping blog is taking self deprecation to self flagellation. We're one match away from self immolation! (grin!)

    Anyways - can't say I feel your pain, but the story is sure funny. Funny as heck! As Henny Youngman said "I hold my wife's hand while she shops. Actually I hold both of them".

    It has been said that money can't buy happiness, but I think that quote is from people who are shopping in the wrong places. BTW - I stole your "bar in the changing room" idea. Watch your local store for the KC Shopping Kegerator (patent pending)

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    1. Self deprecation and flagellation I get but hopefully not immolation! Sounds like a bad Country western song! As far as your invention goes , may I be the first to sign up for that KC Shopping Kegerator??? At least it's bigger than a flask!!!!

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  15. My friend won't try anything on or let her kids. She buys the same thing in 10 sizes and colors and returns the ones that don't fit. I'm an online shopper. Anything I can buy without getting out of bed works for me.

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    1. I get the buying one item in several colors, but that doesn't fool anyone---people begin to notice you're always wearing the SAME style of shirt. I have 6 like that, and I know I'm not fooling anyone. And yes, shopping online is the best----sit back with a cup of coffee and make your choices from bed---until the stuff comes in and 75% of it doesn't fit right. I hate it when that happens!

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  16. I love shopping, but I hate the crowd, so I do my shopping super early in the morning or online. :D

    I love your wit. :)

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    1. Thank you , Ane! You're smart to shop early--better still, the shopping online!

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  17. I love this post, but my reason for stopping by tonight is to let you know that I have something waiting for you on my blog. So, stop on by whenever you have a chance.

    Have a wonderful week!

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    1. OMG Roe---thank you so much for the "Kreativ Blogger" award! I look forward to following the rules to it in an upcoming blog post!!

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  18. My hubby would love it if I hated shopping! Too bad for him, I'll never hate it! LOL


    hi all please visit my blog http://driessenpost.com

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    1. It's not as much fun as it used to be when i was younger and could actually buy cute clothes!!!

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  19. i lov this post...thx for friending me in blogger.com...

    glad to follow u!

    visit me,
    http://subhieskitchen.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks Subhie! Nice to meet you. I will definitely check out your blog site!

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  20. you have such a great blog!! newest follower!
    xoxo

    http://emilymmeyers.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thanks, Emily for the visit and for following me! It is very much appreciated!!!

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  21. Hi! Got a great and nicey BLOG, most of all your content are very interesting.. Hope you like mine..

    Please Visit my New Blog and Old Blog, you gonna do is click the googl+ botton and follow me my fan page at facebook.. I will appreciate that. Have a happy Blogging. :))

    Here of my list blogs.
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    1. Thanks for the visit--I will certainly check out your blogs as well!

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  22. Nice.. In India Shopping Is Too Painful.. I also hate it..

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  23. Great post! I'm with you - I hate shopping!

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    1. Seems like there are quite a few of us out there all hating the shopping thing. Maybe we should form a Shopping Haters United club!!! Haha!

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    2. Let's do it. I'll be a member :)

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  24. Hi there!

    Love the way you explained your reasons for hate shopping! That was a must! ^^

    :)

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  25. Thanks for contacting me on bloggers, you have a great blog! I loved reading this post, I can relate! I am also a mother of four. I am a new follower. You can find my blog at http://linsey-organizedchaos.blogspot.com/.

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    1. So glad you stopped by! I will definitely check out your blog site as well!

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  26. Your writing is hilarious, humorous and great! So glad I discovered your blog on Bloggers. I have to admit that I'm a shopaholic -- but it's great to hear from those who hate shopping too!
    http://theworldwider.net

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    1. I appreciate the fact that you love to shop, yet you can still enjoy my humor about hating the task!

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  27. Nicely done, MM!

    I have to admit, I'm a guy (you already knew that, though) and I do like to shop. Just not the kind where you have to try things on. I'm more "drive by" shopping. Look for a second, people watch, and move on.

    Amazon is my favorite way to shop. From the comfort of my home and my sweet office chair. :)

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    1. I am completely with you on that ---internet shopping without the embarrassment of trying on clothes for sales clerks!!

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  28. I tagged you on my blog. Hopefully you'll visit. Then you'll see the post and maybe take my menopause quiz.

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    1. Thank you for thinking of me---I will definitely stop by!!

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  29. wow!
    an amazing post!
    I am also shopping hater guy! even my underwear are selected by brothers! (I must not reveal this here, I am sorry for it). Even if I am going with somebody for shopping I only segregate from them and start watching the millions of things the shoppers displayed! YOur post is so witty and funny. I liked it.

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    1. That's pretty funny. If it makes you feel any better, I don't like shopping for under ware, either!

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  30. Believe it or not, I am not a big shopper either... I go shopping if I REALLY need something or am having a "I think I need this" moment. (and that isn't very often.) And yes, I too, am thought of as a total nutcase for NOT liking to shop...

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    1. I think most people assume that all women like to shop. Guess you and I are in the minority!!!

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  31. woah this is a must read for ppl out there and when i say ppl i mean women.

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    1. You are so correct! But my female friends think I'm crazy because they all love shopping! Guess they will never understand!

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  32. yes, women love to shop and I'm one of them, hahaha...my husband would ask me "are you sick? or is there something wrong with you?" whenever I would skip going to my favorite store. He's very supportive of my hobby, he calls it "my retail therapy" whenever I'm not feeling well, lol!!! I enjoy reading your post<3

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    1. That's another good point I should have mentioned--how women DO use shopping as therapy, whereas men like to go out and play hands-on sports to let out their aggression!

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  33. Ah, loooove your post! I hate shopping, especially clothes and at times I have to force myself go grocery shopping when the fridge is almost empty and the mouse is sitting there with the suitcase ready to leave - lol. Clothes in my wardrobe are not the latest, but I still love them, even if some are almost into pieces. :)

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    1. Love the mouse comment! Yes, I try to buy things that never go out of style so I can wear them for eons without ever having to set foot in another mall again!

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  34. I'm afraid I can't agree with you on a mutual hate of shopping- but it does make me feel a bit queasy at christmas- too many manic people! Brilliant blog, and as promised I am now following you via GFC ..Sorry it takes me so long to reply on bloggers..I am new to the site !. xx

    sophie-mayanne.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Christmas shopping really is a nightmare! I'd rather hide in my house for a month until the holiday is over! Hey, thank you for joining my blog as a follower---it is much appreciated!!!

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  35. wow! great article! i really like the way you write! keep on

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    1. Thank you for visiting my site! Don't worry--I plan on being around for a long time blogging!

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  36. lol I love shopping but hate the drama of it all. I can NEVER try on clothes while I am out I get all hot and flustered and I almost pass out from hyperventilating at the reflection in their circus mirrors. eek. xx

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  37. Yep agree with you, the dressing room is a torture chamber. oh lol I loved this post. Thanks for visiting my blog.

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    1. Glad you like it and thanks for the visit!

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  38. I hate shopping too! Online shopping has become my best friend over the years. My problem is that I've been losing weight so I have no idea what size I wear anymore. It's forcing me to go shopping to try stuff on. I keep delaying as long as possible then I turn into a challenge to see how fast I can get it done and over with.

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    1. I WISH I had your problem of losing weight--if that happened to me , I'd probably enjoy shopping!

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    2. I appreciate this from every angle of your being. A WOMEN of strength and courage. You aren't afraid to admit who you are. I adore this post and thanks so much for sharing. If you wouldn't mind, I would like you to follow my blog as well. I promise you won't be disappointed.

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    3. Thanks for your kind words! I have visited your site--it is lovely! I joined up right away!

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  39. OMG I hate shopping too! Why waste my time if nothing fits me anyways. I am too short and/or too skinny (or was before the baby bump) So everyone has the same problem with ill fitting clothes! It's called mass production, they can't please everyone, so they please nobody!

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    1. Good point! That's why when I DO find something that actually fits me right, I buy it in every color available!!!

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  40. Your writing style is so humorous, and I can totally relate to your story! I hate going clothes shopping too! I can handle shopping for purses, shoes, make-up, etc., but clothes are a nightmare. It's exhausting and also slightly depressing when things don't fit! I only go clothes shopping maybe twice a year - once for new fall clothes (it's still warm, so this is like short sleeve blouses and pants for work) - and once in mid-winter (when I'm too cold to resist buying a few new sweaters).

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    1. For me, shoe shopping is the best--I don't have to go on a diet to fit into them, and no matter how big or small I get, they always fit no matter what!

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  41. your posting is very good about Shapely Shopping

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  42. I hate shopping too! Everyone thinks I'm nuts. I'm glad I'm not the only one!

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    1. Perhaps we should start a support group--Shopper Haters Anonymous!

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  43. visit a good blog and full of interesting information that is happiness itself .... keep on sharing information

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