I was never late for a function, and I could easily juggle work with the kids' karate/cheerleading/
gymnastics/choir/ballet classes effortlessly while entertaining company and serving up a homemade five course meal Martha Stewart style. Wonder Woman had nothing on me.
And then something changed when I entered my menopausal years. It started with the keys. Took me thirty minutes one morning to find them...in the refrigerator between the yogurt and an old bag of potatoes that were starting to grow roots. I kept forgetting to throw them out---something the pre-menopausal me never would have done. The keys? I swear I didn't leave them in the refrigerator. Surely someone was playing a prank on me---had to be my mischievous kids playing that "Lets-Drive-Mom-Crazy-Until-She -Is -Willing-To-Increase-Our-Allowance-And-Never-Make-Us -Clean-Our-Rooms-Again," game.
My glasses disappeared the following week and I walked around like a blind mole bumping into furniture and eating what I thought was a brownie but turned out to be a charcoal briquet. How do you find glasses if you need your glasses to find them?
It wasn't long before I was forgetting appointments with my hairdresser (which explains why my hair looked and felt like worn out Brillo pad). It also explains why the last time I showed up at the doctor's office to get my cavity filled for a tooth that ached, the nurse reminded me I was there for a colonoscopy and that yes, they were certainly going to fill a cavity while I was there.
It was karmic retribution for all of those times I poked fun at my husband for his Attention Deficit Disorder. I thought it was rather endearing to watch him struggle to remember what he walked into a room for (Your sunglasses? They're on your head), or when he stomped through the house and stubbed his toe while searching for his iPad (in the bathroom next to the toilet where you sat for an hour playing
raccoon relay races). I had to suppress a giggle each time he accused the kids of losing the TV remote when all along it was nestled between his butt cheeks on the couch. His ADD also worked to my advantage when it came to arguing---all I had to do was throw around a few incidences and conversations from the past, which of course he could never remember, and I always came out on top.
Now the tables have turned, and my mind has taken a seat on the crazy train somewhere between this birthday and my last.
Some days I forget to take my vitamins, especially the fiber pills. This can be dangerous for all the wrong reasons---something akin to a septic tank on the brink of failure.
My mother suggested that I start doing crossword puzzles to sharpen my mind. I tried this, but I think my brain is too far gone, because I couldn't remember the three letter word for donkey.
So what am I going to do? Make myself a margarita (or three) to help myself forget what I can't remember.
By the way, have you seen my glasses?