This is how it starts:
Obnoxious alarm clock jars me awake. I want to yank it from the wall and toss it out the window onto the neighbor's lawn. It wouldn't matter because they get up at the ass crack of dawn to rev up their lawn mowers.
On my night stand sits the TO-DO list I scribbled out last night when there was still adrenaline coursing through my veins after watching a rousing episode of Top Chef. In the bleak morning light, that TO-DO list becomes a GO-TO-HELL list. No way am I getting up early to make everyone breakfast. That's why God invented granola bars and oatmeal-on-the-go.
Slap the snooze button on the alarm for fifteen more minutes.
Just as I have drifted off into Never Never Land, I hear a nagging buzzer go off, and wonder if I'm on a new game show called, "Wheel Of Misfortune."
I REALLY need to wake up.
Coffee. My morning elixir. Jumper cables to my heart. Now I'm ready to work.
Realization that just because my body is doing the happy dance doesn't mean that my brain has caught onto the dance steps. Need more coffee.
Staring at a blank computer screen, convinced that my muse bought a one-way ticket to Bora Bora and is completely content to sip Mai Tais on the shore while I struggle to post something witty on my blog site.
Still staring at blank computer screen. Pick dog hair off tee-shirt and make a daisy chain out of paper clips. I end up trolling Facebook for status updates.
"Wow Camille, you sure look wasted in those office party pictures. Do people still do that kind of stuff on copy machines???"
"Aw, Cynthia, I just LOVE little Tommy's mullet. Is he channeling Billy Ray Cyrus?"
"OMG Vicky! Your poodle just pooped in your Jimmy Choos?!"
Staring out home office window. When did the neighbors get a hairless cat? Oh, that's a possum rummaging around in the trash can. I didn't know possums liked beer.
Glance at Facebook again to see if anyone commented on my latest status update: "Is it too early to add whiskey to my coffee cup? LOL!"
Check fridge to see if anyone left an amazing surprise in there for me to eat, like an ice cream bar or a leftover egg roll.
Back on the computer and begin typing blog entry: "Hello Readers! I'm hyped up on caffeine and shaky as hell but my brain has a log jam and I.....oh look! A cupcake!
Gotta get this blog post going...whoa, what's this? New outdoor decorating ideas on Pinterest? Pot-bellied pigs for sale on Craig's List?
Stalk other blog sites for inspiration. They're all good. Damn good. This leaves me feeling a bit insecure and overwhelmed...so I pick up the phone and call a friend for moral support.
Damn possum is back. Brought some of his buddies. I didn't know they could carry a six pack and beach chairs.
Wake up to computer keyboard imprints on my forehead.
Feed and walk dogs, try to figure out something clever yet appetizing for dinner. My family is starting to catch onto the fact that I'm recycling leftovers tossed into pasta and rice to confuse them.
Back on the computer. Something skitters across the floor and under my desk. Could have been a cockroach. Or a possum. Call Husband to exterminate whatever predator is stalking me.
Computer screen still blank. So is my brain. Time to reboot both. Possums now sitting around campfire singing Kumbaya and making smores.
Surely tomorrow will be a more productive day...as long as a parade of pugnacious pot-bellied pigs and prancing pink poodles doesn't pass by my office window...