The following are snippets of conversation I've stolen from my family when they were most vulnerable and clueless. In other words, when they were:
1. Lost at the zoo
2. Trapped for hours in the car on the highway to hell
3. Yelling at each other over a blaring episode of mating warthogs on National Geographic
4. Stuck in aisle 7 at the hardware store....with nary a cell phone in sight.
WARNING!!!! IT'S ABOUT TO GET A LITTLE WEIRD HERE!!!!
"No farting by the fire pit---you might blow up the neighborhood!"
"Who wrote 'Lazy Ass' in pen across all of my Breathe Right Nose Strips?"
"I just pooped so hard I think my intestines fell out."
"Hey, at least you went! I haven't pooped in 3 days. I feel like a trash compactor."
"Dear Lord, this family is poop-obsessed!"
"Hey, your 1099 tax form just came in."
"Is it addressed to 'Loser'?"
"I thought you were on a diet."
"I am, but the chocolate bar was mocking me."
"Can you clean out the rain gutters today?"
"I'd just as soon have hemorrhoids."
"That Prozac you're on just makes you stupid silly."
"What are those brown specks in the dog's water bowl?"
"It's special pug fecal water---made from the finest backyards in America."
"Those pork chops were great but I think I have an entire pig stuck in my molar."
"I can't walk that fast! My thighs are going to chafe and create a fire."
"Just tell them if they don't vote for you that you're going to make a voodoo doll out of them and stab it every night."
"I'm so full from dinner---I think my colon just popped."
"You've exhausted me and wiped out all my memory cells."
"Did you just fart?"
"Nope. That was a flock of Canadian geese flying over the house."
"Mom, you're running on dinosaur time."
"Why is your stomach so squishy?"
"Oh, that's my human inner tube. It's filled with beer."
"The dog's diaper slipped off. We have a PENIS ALERT!"
"Get smashed, do something stupid and make memories. Just don't get arrested while you're at it."
"Have I told you lately how much I love you?"
"No, but a martini and a foot long sub would sure prove it!"
WELCOME TO THE INSANITY THAT I CALL HOME!
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