Friday, June 28, 2013

The 7 Deadly Sins Of Menopause

   
We all have them. The secret sins that keep us awake at night and tap us on the shoulder during the day while we try to go about our business. The sins that we would prefer that our friends and neighbors never see. For some, this means dancing the salsa naked with a Hoover Upright ( Hey! I didn't say that was me!). For others, it's sticking their face in a bag of mini, cheese-flavored rice cakes at 2:00a.m. (Okay maybe that was me).
     I'm not Catholic and I'm pretty sure you're not a priest, but I'm sitting in a confessional booth right now about to spill the goods on Menopausal Mama's seven deadly sins.

ENVY:  I live near a park and a jogging trail. I see women of all ages out there, rollerblading, jogging and biking. Certain ones catch my eye---the PERFECT ones, who look like they just rolled off the Barbie shelf at Target. Pink sweats with the Juicy label across their firm, little butts, and a matching tank top stretched tight across breasts that aren't jiggling like jello cups in a truck when they jog. THOSE are the women I envy. Their pre-baby bodies are free of stretch marks
resembling the NYC subway system. They are blessed with perky boobs on the high beam setting aimed at the stars instead of their knee caps. It makes me long for my youth and a certain pink bikini I once owned.


GLUTTONY:  This is the reason I no longer own the aforementioned pink bikini. I am a wine hoarder and a Nutella crack head. I am also selfish when it comes to Chinese take-
out. Don't touch my egg roll or lay a finger on my chicken chow mein. To prevent anyone else from stealing my leftovers from the fridge, I cleverly disguise my food in a covered jar marked "URINE SAMPLE." It keeps my thieving teenager away from my stash while I'm busy Googling Nutella rehab centers.

PRIDE:  This is something easily lost when you're driving an old minivan with missing hubcaps and a broken door handle....which is why you'll NEVER see me behind the wheel of the mommy mobile that seizes up at every stop light in town. My husband has inherited that hemorrhoid on wheels because he happens to know car CPR. My own pride is seriously challenged every day at the gym when I look in the mirror and see body parts wiggling and waving back at me in an unnatural way. But if you ask me about my kids or my granddaughter, I'll
whip out my cell phone faster than you can say moo shu pork and force you to watch a terminally long slide show of every phase in their lives, starting with their ultrasound images all the way to their college graduation ceremonies.


LUST:  When you're menopausal, the mind says, "Yes" but the body says, "Oh, hell no!" So you learn to lust after other things....like a beef burrito the size of a chihuahua. Or Ben and Jerry's Triple Caramel Chunk ice cream and a good bottle of Dom Perignon. A trip to Tahiti would be nice too, but at this rate I'll never be able to fit back into that pink bikini again.

ANGER:  Think Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Anthony Hopkins in Silence Of The Lambs. This is what I become when my son misses the school bus at 6:30 a.m. My head has also been known to spin like I'm in the throes of an exorcism when I send The Hubs to the hardware store for a socket set and he returns with a water-sprayng fan or a singing can opener. What's next, a toilet plunger that chants, " I think I can, I think I can"?


SLOTH:  When I think sloth, the first image that comes to mind is Jabba the Hutt. No, I do not resemble a bloated, slug-like alien, nor do I eat fleshy, aquatic creatures with slimy legs. But I DO like having minions (a.k.a. children) around to take out the trash, wash the dinner dishes and fold the laundry before all the socks play hide-and-seek or join Match.com to find their missing partners.

GREED:  While most people associate greed with money and power, neither of those things appeal to me. I'm greedy when it comes to sleep. Those evil, menopausal twins Hot Flash and Fatigue have joined forces with their mischievous cousin Insomnia to deprive me of a solid, seven hours of slumber. My bladder is never one to miss a party either, so she's right up there playing checkers with her cohorts at all hours of the night. If there's such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back as a bear so I can hibernate for a few months in a cave and bite the head off the first person who wakes me.

     There should be an 8th deadly sin as well, called INSANITY. When my body thermostat mimics the mercury levels of an Arizona desert during the month of July, or I suddenly find myself trolling the girdle aisle at Walmart, I'm bound to feel a little crazy. To combat the bipolar symptoms of my fluctuating hormones, I've discovered that the road to happiness is paved with Prozac and chocolate....and maybe a side trip to Tahiti with a pink bikini in my suitcase.




90 comments:

  1. I'm so going to hell based on these 7 deadlies.....this is awesome!!!!! I so want to throttle the barbie moms running and then eat all of the ice cream in a store and go to sleep for hours with no one bothering me! I'll see you there!!!!

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    1. You betcha! We'll be sitting down side by side over a gallon of Ben & Jerry's!

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  2. I am so with you on the greed... I want a full nights sleep..no bathroom, no insomnia, no hot flashes... haha... a girl can dream, lol:-D

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    1. Wouldn't it be great? I miss my old friend, Sleep....

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  3. Oh boy...I'm so not ready for menopause now!

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    1. Hahaha! Sorry---didn't mean to scare you off!

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  4. I am right there with you on most of these things. I discovered Nutella last year in Paris. They do this wonderful thing with Crepes, bananas and Nutella. Since then I have been fighting the cravings for Nutella. Thanks to you it just started again!

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    1. YES!!!! I have had those crepes and they are to DIE for! You know, I am really good at making crepes---I think I know what I am now going to make for breakfast tomorrow...

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  5. I was hoping the Nutella would make an appearance; the burrito the size of a small dog was just a bonus!! Bahahahahaa!!!!

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  6. Loved this post. Wish I had a cure, but sadly I don't. I've experienced the same things, well, except for wanting to come back as a bear and marking my refrigerator territory as "urine sample". I just throw aluminum foil over my treasures and nobody touches them, because they think they're leftovers – ah ha ha ha ha!

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    1. Sadly, I have to go to great lengths to fool my teenager from eating all my leftovers!

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  7. I am SO doing that "urine sample" thing.

    And if you want to make a quick fortune, I'd suggest developing that talking toilet plunger thing.

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    1. You know, you're right--I just may be onto something here--because thee are enough crazy fools like my husband who would actually BUY a talking plunger!!

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  8. You make me laugh, and a little scared for things to come! ;-)

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    1. Ohhhh I can't WAIT to see what YOU will be like during menopause!!!

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  9. It seems I have something to look forward too - LOL!

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  10. ROFL I so know where your coming from....I use to think my friends were exaggerating.. :(

    Handmade at Warratahstree

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    1. Oh no, its ALL true! I'm just wondering how long this "Change of life" phase lasts!!!

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  11. LOL! I so identified with each of those! It's not easy getting old and it's even harder trying to stay young!lol!

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    1. True, but the important thing is to stay young at heart--humor helps!

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  12. Try as I might, I can't get my legs as toned as I want them to be, then I have to tell myself, "You are 52 damn it". Do you take anything for you flashes? The doc has me on a low dose of a depression pill and it helps.

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    1. I'm on Prozac--my little happy pill---but I haven't seen it change my hot flash frequency yet....

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  13. I am not in the throws of menopause (although not far behind you!) and I have all most if not all of those deadly sins. What's my excuse? Although, I don't have one thing that you have...minions. I need me some minions, dammit!

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    1. You're raising a little minion right now....patience, my dear......

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  14. Lust..... Yeah now there's a story! We shouldn't let menopause get the best of us, but it's hard not to

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    1. Bet we could share LOTS of stories about lust....come over and we'll talk about it over some margaritas!

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  15. I laughed so hard, my womb almost fell out.
    I confess to not suffering from any of the things on the list. Well, apart from sloth...and maybe envy...sometimes greed...maybe I do get a little angry now and then...and occasionally I have feelings of lust...then there's pride...

    You can see where I'm going with this, cant you? :)

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    1. Oh, yes I can!!! But we can't have your wpmb falling out over this!

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  16. Is it sad I've been like this since my 20's? At least the greed, sloth, and insanity. It's only in the last year I started feeling like a fat Jabba the Hutt.

    -The Insomniacs Dream

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    1. Then you're in good company. Whaddya say we go get a jar of Nutella and a bottle of Dom to celebrate???

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  17. I'm going to be spending a long time in the Inferno! Lust -- the second circle -- I still desire my husband, but it's Sahara if YKWIM. Oy vey! And, envy -- the fourth circle of hell -- of those women who can afford to get the boob job. I don't want bigger, just perkier and maybe a little fuller. I just want the girls tacked back up and not slide into my armpits when I'm lying on top of the sheets desperately fanning myself due to the latest bout of night sweats. You nailed the sins, but you forgot the memory issues...maybe a blessing?

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    1. Oh, I hear you on the Sahara Desert thing! And yes, I'd like to have the girls tacked up as well. Tired of spending a small fortune on push-up bras when there is still so much more to push up! About the memory issues---well, I FORGOT! Lol. 'Nuff said.

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  18. Are you sure the perfect boobies are a blessing, or an investment. I say the body jiggles are more natural.

    Anyway, I hear you sister! Especially about the lust thing.

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    1. Well.... my boobies are the real thing for sure....we're all natural over here, but the girls are getting older and could use a little support if you know what I mean. And the lust...well, anything that involves Ben & Jerry's works for me!

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  19. You rock, so hard. You have me laughing from opening line to wrap up sentence. And that whole not sharing your favorite foods thing? I totally do that. I never thought about marking the container with gross labels tho.. hmm.. where's my sharpie?

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    1. It works, I promise! You can get creative too. Why not try "STOOL SAMPLE" or "BIO-HAZARDOUS MATERIALS"?? They should work equally as well!

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  20. VERY clever! I love it. Especially the eigtth one. My God I hate that feeling where you just want to RIP your clothes off and feel the breeze... any breeze. XX

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    1. I know, right? Oe when you are all dressed up nice, with makeup on, and then it begins....and the makeup starts to melt off your face!

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  21. LOVE it! You are so funny -- I was laughing the whole way through! I never thought about marking up my food...I do hide things though! Unfortunately though the kids have started finding my "secret stashes" so this might be a good way to keep them out!

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    1. Try it! I guarantee they won't want to touch that container if it says "human Waste" on it!!!

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  22. Ah, don't worry about envy. You need to think like this. Imagine in your head that those ladies had invasive surgery on the bum, tum and boobs, suction on the stomach and thighs. The hair belongs to someone's grandmother, the nails are plastic, the teeth are false and much more. You'll feel much better mate.

    I'm with you on the Gluttony trail, what can I say? We love our food and the food always sticks close to us...

    I had to laugh again, because your lust relates very tightly with Gluttony ie: food. They must be great friends, ha ha ha.
    Love the photo of the gun wielding grandma. No messing mate. Great funny post MM.

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    1. You know, you are so right--I tend to link sex and food together a lot in my blog posts....oh dear, what does that say about me???

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  23. This is hysterical Marcia! I'm just beginning my memo adventure and you nailed it. Sadly, I possessed many of these characteristics before. Ack! I always wonder - is the Nutella jar half empty or half full?

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    1. There's never enough Nutella in the jar, so I'm going with half empty!!!

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  24. hahaha really funny this time..
    http://fashionwithfitness.blogspot.com/

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  25. Yep. I happily suffer from every single one of these.
    Must, must, must share this with every friend I have!
    "And then I flash! I turn to cinder and ash!"
    P.S. My Husby thinks that global warming is the result of so many menopausal women 'glowing' together...
    And P.P.S. My Nutella jar is COMPLETELY empty. Time to go on the warpath . . .

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    1. I LOVE this!!!! Your husband is brilliant---and the cinder and ash reference, oh yes!! Now run out quickly and refill your Nutella stash!

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  26. hahahaha...love this blog. You nailed it! I've never tried Nutella...maybe I shouldn't...I really don't need another thing I need to stop. xxx

    Barbara @ www.allmylivesnow.com

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    1. Try it...come over to the dark side with me....

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  27. Oh how I can relate. The air conditioner and ceiling fans are in the permanent ON position and I'm in the process of removing anything reflective. And I don't want to be in meno 'pause'. I want to be in meno 'hurry the hell up'!!!

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    1. Ohhhh I like that name for menopause--"hurry the hell up!" I ask myself every stinkin' day...HOW MUCH LONGER do I have to feel tired and like I am burning up alive?!?

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  28. I say drop everything and fly off to Hawaii right now. It'll do wonders for anger, fatigue and insomnia. Unless it makes the hot flashes worse, in which case Alaska might be your answer.

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    1. Ohhhh I would take either place because they are so beautiful!!

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  29. This is such a great post and so true. I laughed so hard reading it and empathized with you so much. My husband and I constantly fight over the air conditioner. I'm so happy that my kids are not teenagers any longer, that was tough, and I also envy the skinny jogging girls. I just got back from Florida and thought is everybody in the world skinny but me. I thought PMS was bad, but it's got nothing on my menopausal mood swings. Too, too funny. At least we can laugh about it.
    Have a great day.
    Debi

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    1. I live in Florida so I know what you mean. Everyone is tan and skinny! It is always an uphill battle staying in shape and looking good around here. Equally challenging when you're menopausal.

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  30. This is sort of making me look forward to menopause! You make it sound like a hysterical journey! BTW-I'm a nutella crack head, too. I think it's the salve for anything gone wrong. :)
    Lana @ Monday's Nugget
    http://www.mondaysnugget.com/

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    1. Yes!!! Nutella is a salve for everything!!!!

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  31. URINE SAMPLE!! I should really try that, because I am a HUGE a-hole about my food! Hands OFF, mothas! Haha

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  32. Stopping from Deezy Does It! Thank you for linking up.
    xx xo,
    Deezy

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  33. Hahaha, thanks for posting this!

    http://www.memoirsofmeandmine.com/

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  34. OK... You've gone & done it again!!!

    Hoover Upright's & Pink Bikini's... Just sayin'.

    Happy Hump Day, Slu

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    1. You know I have to weird it up a bit, right, Slu? And I know how to get you chuckling!!!

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  35. Stopping by from THE Collective Social Blog Hop to say hi. Thank you for linking up. Have a fabulous day!

    xo,
    Janise (co-host of The Collective Social Blog Hop)
    http://MamaInHeels.com

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  36. Marcia! I'm so far behind with my blog commenting, but I didn't want you to think I was missing a word of your writing! Hmm. So many things to agree with here.Three words rang truest for me: Triple Carmel Chunk. Oh, and sleep is definitely wasted on the young. Can you imagine if someone demanded that we take a nap now? Yes please! <3

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  37. stopping on by from Deezy Does it Showcase
    http://anonymouscricuter.blogspot.ca/

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  38. Left a comment on the Gen Fabulous site (btw...at what age can I be called Gen Fabulous? because I really want to start using that).
    Anyway...I've already forgotten my awesome comment, so you should go check me there. Since you don't have that much to do today. :)

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    1. You are so funny and ADORABLE! Thank you! XO

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  39. Thanks for directing me over here from the group!! What does it say about me if I suffer from these sins and I'm only pre-meopausal? Will it get worse? Can I ignorantly convince myself I'm getting it over with now? I think it's more the former than the latter, huh? Wonderful piece! Your writing is so relatable and well done.
    Vicky
    www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you for reading ,Vicky! I think you;re a pretty damn fine writer yourself! XO

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  40. I am not quite at menopausal yet but I think I am guilty of about all of these. Especially wine gluttony

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    1. Hahaha! I think you should meet me for happy hour and we will discuss all these points!

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  41. I think I can relate most to envy. Being over the age of 50 and waaaay past my prime, I often find myself jealous of those young women with the perfect bodies who can wear all those cool, edgy clothes in the shopping malls...*sniff sniff*

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    1. I know....I miss the cute, SMALL clothes....

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  42. Love this so much. I resemble each one. Thanks for the laugh! I might just pull out my pink bikini! Or the bottle of Prosecco, instead...

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    1. The bottle of Prosecco would do it for me!

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  43. LOL I still laugh at this post. Good to know i am not the only one with the envy issues and gluttony....from one wine hoarder to another ;) Got to have some pleasures in like once you get past the tinnie winnie bikini stage in life..

    Handmade at Warratahstree

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    1. Absolutely!! As we age, we should be allowed to have more vices!

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  44. This is awesome...and extremely funny.

    I'm also glad you're able to admit your sins and the fact that you're a sinner, but for the record I am not, I am a perfect little angel...just ask my mom if you don't believe me.

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    1. Is that why you always wear white? Oops--I think your halo is slipping--time for you to meet me over on the dark side...bwahaha!

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