Friday, April 15, 2016

Super Spring Writers Series: Guest Post By Kate Mayer

     Two years ago, I had the honor of meeting one of my favorite humor writers at the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop convention in Dayton, Ohio. We met up again at the conference two weeks ago and had a blast together. It was impossible to carry on a full conversation with her because she kept me in stitches so often, I could hardly speak. Please welcome my dear friend Kate Mayer, who understands the creative genius behind a "jellyfish" shot and has a deep appreciation for ukulele music, especially if the person playing the instrument does a great imitation of Bob Dylan singing the Oscar Mayer bologna song......yeah, okay, I guess you had to be there. But trust me, Kate is a riot, and so are her stories. Summer is coming----need to get some shorts? Perhaps you didn't get the memo......



    I missed the memo about wearing shorts.


Not quite sure when this happened, but somehow I got too old for shorts.
Come to think of it, I haven’t noticed anyone in my friend circle who wears shorts and is not a personal trainer. Or yoga teacher.
Cute dresses, skirts, skorts, tennis skirts – that's a biggie, but apparently I’m the last mom standing in her Target jean shorts.
It’s not a fashion rule forced upon me by AARP, or peer pressure or vanity or People magazine; it’s a consensus I’ve come by all by my lonesome, with some help from the mirrors in Target.
It would have been nice to be warned.
Now that I think about it, my mom doesn't wear shorts. My mother-in-law doesn't. Neither do any of the aunts or cousins – mine or rather attractive husband's. Not when overheating during the family reunion in July, not at the beach, not by the pool. They are in pants, or skirts – long skirts, and often stockings. I don't recall my grandmothers ever wearing shorts and they lived to be about 100. Or at least it seemed that way.
Are we Amish?
Grandmothers sweating
Apparently I’m the age when I too must buy the bottom half of summer wear from the agist/sexist surprisingly accurate pop-ups on my facebook page promising whiter teeth or flatter tummies. Or maybe revert to the inserts shoved into Sunday newspapers, like my own grammy did – before QVC and Amazon and Target on-line ordering made it easy to age.
My grandmother, country-club Nana, wore elastic waist, expensive, taupe or navy linen "slacks," or maybe a "smart skirt" – but never shorts. Nana always topped it with a blouse from Bergdorf or Gimbels, a jacket, and sometimes Hermes scarf that whafted a unique combo of mothballs and Shalimar. It lingered in the air like Linus’s dust storm, except fancy. I can smell it now.
My nana smelled just like this.
My other grandmother topped her Carol Wright stretchy pants from the Sunday paper inserts with a housecoat. Or duster. Or mumu – call it what you want, but it was an oversized smock like frock, in muted floral designs that may or may not have been a shower curtain in a previous life.
This grammy was usually braless, or the bra tucked around the breasts but unbuckled in the back.
“Can’t reach,” she said. “No one’s looking anyways.” Come to think of it, most days she considered bottoms completely optional too. It was scarring.
And therein lies my gene pool. Half trailer park, half Fifth Avenue.
Back to me and my legs.
Spring is coming, and I need shorts. The past winter – hell the past 10 years – has not been kind to my middle parts, so I perused the shopping mecca of Target where I’m still in time for shorts. I have been directed to the "women's section" by the dressing room clerk who turned me away not once, but twice, observing I had selected shorts from the "juniors" department, and well, good luck.
Bitch.
I grab an arm full of jean shorts, sized from 6 to 12, because I take off my clothes once. There is no reentry to dressing room hell for this girl. I get undressed one time, and one time only.
Cute, very cute, and I bravely entered the dressing room full of hope and dreams.
And then this happened.
Midlife mom tries on shorts and it does not go well.
I’d like to blame the socks. In fact, I am blaming the socks. Talk about me all you want, but I’m buying the shorts because damnit I’m hot.


BIO:

Kate Mayer is a potty-mouthed, sometimes cynical storyteller, humorist, and activist sharing life as she lives it in Newtown, Connecticut. She is a recent, reluctant inductee to AARP, the co-creator of two quasi-adults and two wannabees, and an aspiring writer with the rejections to prove it. She writes about work, teenagers, midlife, social issues, feminism, and gun violence prevention at www.kathrynmayer.comand is sometimes funny on Instagram and Twitter as @klmcopy. Follow her on Facebook, but please don’t be an ass.


















35 comments:

  1. I think your legs look great! I definitely have moved to longer shorts, but no way I'm giving them up completely:)

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  2. This was hilarious, I say good for you, buy the shorts because it's hot. I wore cute skater skirts and dresses until last year for those hot days.

    I remember my grandmother used to sit around with her bra on but undone and her shirt with or without pants ... lol (I thought that my grandmother was the only one... whew ... haha)

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    1. Are we related??? Does this mean someday we'll be half-nekked with our grandkids eye-rolling us? Or worse -- blogging about us??

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  3. Haha! Absolutely stick with the shorts (but maybe ditch the socks). Just because we're aging doesn't mean we need to sweat it out in the summer, right?

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    1. What, you don't like the socks look? Was thinking about picking up some sandals to go with 'em!

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  4. I only own two pairs of shorts, neither of which are worn outside of the house. I started buyng cute leggings over the winter, and they will be what I wear this summer. Because, you know, as long as your ass is covered with a long shirt, anyone of any size can wear leggings.

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    1. Wear those shorts sister, wear them proud! Maybe over your leggings? Just an idea!

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  5. lol I feel the pressure too. My legs, though, are in the best shape of my whole body, so it's shorts or skorts but definitely above the knee.

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    1. We didn't cave to 8th grade peer pressure, we sure as hell ain't gonna cave now! Wear those shorts -- wear 'em proud!

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  6. ha ha ha. i started wearing shorts again after a brief hiatus. cellulite be damned!

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  7. You look awesome in those socks! Er... shorts. Okay, I must admit, I can't take my eyes off the socks, actually. But right now, women all over who'd kill to be your size are hating on you for even thinking you can't wear shorts. Mini skirts, here you come!

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    1. That photo is like a carnival mirror; took another look and thought damn!! Fine thighs! Complete smoke and mirrors. But THANKS

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  8. I remember my Mom's light blue denim shorts. She wore them forever. I wear my spandex work-out whatevers. With a long top. A very long top.

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  9. Kate, you are rockin' those shorts - don't listen to AARP or to any grumbly little voices in your head. As long as you've got the legs, I think shorts are great. Not booty shorts. Ever. But a little above the knee? Why not? On the other hand if, like me, your knees look like there are hocky pucks attached under the skin on the inside of each knee (and they've looked like that FOREVER, no matter how "thin" I was), then you might want to consider capris. Or for us AARP members - pedal pushers. Oops. Did my mother just say that? Happy summer - great story!

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    1. Kate!!! How did I miss meeting my namesake at EBWW???!?!?! Thx for the read, and I would love to meet you and our hockey knees IRL sometime soon!

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  10. These shorts are very out-of-style. Your butt cheeks aren't showing!

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    Replies
    1. Blame the granny panties. I love me some granny panties!

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  11. Girl, if my legs looked as great as yours do, I'd tell the little Target twerp where to put the hangers! You rock those shorts!

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    1. Objects in the mirror may appear different than they actually are. Just sayin'

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  12. Amen!! Here in the Midwest it is just too humid in July for long pants. And at 55, I still go sleeveless. Trust me, the odor if me in lng sleeves is way worse than my upper arms!

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    1. Bare arms and bare thighs unite! Ain't nobody gonna tell us what we can and cannot wear! Cheers to bingo arms!

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  13. I think you look great!!! This was hilarious, btw :)

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  14. Darlin, you rock those boyfriend shorts. I would kill for my ass to look that good in the dressing room mirror. The socks, well, we may have to perform a bit of an intervention there - just sayin.

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    1. You checking out my ass?? Why thank you!

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  15. Replies
    1. If I had those legs, I'd wear shorts every single day!

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  16. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  17. Ha! This is hilarious. Katy, you have great legs. In fact, you should be wearing/buying short shorts!! Minus the socks of course.

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  18. LOL!
    You should be wearing shorts, what with the hot weather.

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  19. If I still had decent legs I would wear shorts in public I do wear them at home - spider veins and swollen knees makes me uncomfortable to wear them in public but I do wear the shortest capri's I can find and even though I have very skinny arms and sagging muscles due to a muscle disease no amount of exercise will help - I wear sleeveless all summer otherwise I get too hot. Just found your blog and love it

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