Sunday, April 8, 2012

How To Annoy Your Children

     From the moment they're born, our children are a tremendous source of pride---first words, first steps, the gold star on their progress reports, the lead role in a school play...we are always there, cheering them on, sharing their accomplishments with anyone willing to listen. Our children are a reflection of ourselves, and our parenting skills are often defined by their behavior. When they're a giggling toddler passing gas on a crowded elevator, everyone thinks they're adorable.  A sixteen-year-old competing in a belching contest with his sibling in a five star restaurant...not so much. The older they get, the more embarrassing they become. They morph from the cute, cuddly puppy stage into a snapping, snarling beast that has been raised in the woods by wild boars. They curse like sailors and eat mass quantities of food that triple the grocery bill by the end of the month. Sweets and salty chips are the largest part of their food pyramid, while milk and juice are consumed at an alarming rate---usually a gallon a day. Their vocabulary  reverts to their roots---as in the cave man days ---limited to grunts, groans, and the occasional "whatever" shrug. The parents they once adored and respected  are now a large source of their embarrassment, so it is with great pleasure (and a lack of conscience) that they choose to publicly annoy and embarrass adults. They will gleefully belch and fart in a crowded room and point a finger at the unsuspecting parent next to them. They will tell their grandparents that there are only three ingredients in their refrigerator at home---one grayish looking egg, a carton of sour milk and a moldy brick of cheddar cheese that looks like last year's school science fair project. The grandparents will take pity on their souls and drive them to the nearest McDonald's.
   
     Kids will spill tomato sauce on the white carpet and blame it on the dog; they'll steal all the quarters out of the change jar and blame the younger sibling. They'll use the last clean towel in the house so that you're forced to dry yourself off after a shower with the wet towel that you used on the dog bathed earlier that day.
   
     Every parent reaches a breaking point with their children---a time when they need to liberate themselves from the bonds of "politically correct" parenting.
   
     Because sometimes you just have to get even. You can call it one of "life's little lessons", or refer to it for what it really is: Karma is a bitch.
   
     The following is a payback list that has been especially effective in annoying our teenagers and will most likely be successful with yours:

1)  Crank up the lawn mower outside their bedroom window when they're trying to sleep in late on a Saturday morning.

2)  Ask twenty questions about the TV show they're watching, but wait until they're immersed in the thickest part of the plot.

3)  During one of their house parties, run into the room with a wet plunger dripping in your hand and shout, "Okay, who clogged the toilet???"

4)  Pick up the six, wet towels they left on the bathroom floor and deposit them on their unmade bed. Be sure to tuck the towels under the covers so they stay moist.

5)  Allow your youngest child to bang on his new drum set while his older sibling is trying to take a nap.

6)  Turn on the sprinklers while your daughter is sunbathing in the back yard.

7)  At a neighborhood block party, jump up on a table after a couple of beers and play air guitar to a Bon Jovi song.

8)  Call your son's friends "Dude" and "Bro".

9)  Write embarrassing messages on their Facebook wall:  "Did you eat that WHOLE package of Oreos I hid in the pantry?" "Why is all my underwear missing from the dryer?"

10)  Blast Barry Manilow on the car radio while driving your kids and their friends to school. Make sure all the windows are rolled down so that EVERYONE in the car loop can hear you belt out the lyrics to "Mandy".

11)  At your son's sixteenth birthday party, borrow his best friend's BMX bike and show those young whippersnappers how to fly over a speed bump and rack yourself on the bicycle seat.


 12) Write a blog about your family life and highlight all the personal stuff that will make your kids cringe and want to disown you.
   
     Revenge has never been sweeter!



88 comments:

  1. i like #9, #13 and #17..lol..

    but as you said, the last solution is the best of all..

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  2. The last solution is definitely the best....

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    1. Of course! That's what my blogging is all about! Thanks for reading my post!

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  3. Oh, you gave me a great laugh at this post. Yes, we should have an 'International Day' just so we can do all the things you suggested in your post, around the globe. That's what I call love. It will give them wonderful memories when they are older. Brilliant post.

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    1. Yes, I think it's called "tough love", haha. Hopefully they will carry on the tradition with their own children one day!

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  4. Great writing! And it's factual too. Though I'd be angry as hell if I fell victim to your tactics.
    Followed

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    1. Thanks for following me, Untonyo. Good thing you aren't one of my kids, huh? Can't imagine you ever annoying your parents, right? lol!

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  5. Replies
    1. Trust me, it will come naturally after a few years of raising kids! Love every minute of it!

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  6. have been guilty of all of these - but the most embarrassing is having them watch me dance and have their faces show that teen disgut.

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    1. Yes, I know that face well! Just keep on dancing!

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  7. I'm sorry, but most of these suggestions smack of passive-aggression (at which many mothers seem to excel). Payback and childish antics are what gave me a sense of authority over my own emotionally abusive mother. Numerous people have said I'm in better shape to be a parent than she is, which is pretty horrifying.

    When children become unbearable tyrants, there are definitely better ways to put them in their place. To all the mothers out there reading this, I say these things only for your benefit. It doesn't take much to drive your child away from you for the rest of your life. I'm moving out in a few months, at which point I will not bother sustaining a worthless and hurtful relationship with my mother. Hopefully your kids don't do the same one day. Take parenting SERIOUSLY if you haven't already...

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  8. Dear Anonymous, I'm sorry that you had a difficult upbringing with a passive-aggressive parent. My blog posts are all tongue-in-cheek humor...no need to be offended. Don't take life too seriously---everyone needs a little chuckle every now and then, and i can assure you this is at no one else's expense---I have an INCREDIBLY close family and they support everything I write, which is why I started this blog in the first place! My chidden are young adults now, and they happen to be my closet friends...but thanks anyway for your concern and advise, and hopefully you'll be able to help others out there who have experienced the same things as you have!

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    1. Aren't you glad you have Anonymous to guide you with your parenting skills? What do you think they'd say about mine??

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  9. My favorite approach, when my kids didn't call or come home when they were supposed to was to go out looking for them wearing my PJs – turned inside out (I can't stand tags).

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  10. Great idea, Theresa! I'll have to try that one next time!!!

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  11. You have a wonderful blog and as I enjoyed it so much, I would like to give you the Liebster Blog Award
    http://www.lifecherries.com/2012/04/liebster-blog-award.html
    Hope we will be chatting often....

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    1. Thank you so much, Bodacious, I am honored! And yes, we will most certainly be chatting again soon!

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  12. There is some resemblance from the first to last picture ;-)

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    1. Yes, I just noticed the same thing---that is too funny since the baby picture is definitely not one of our own!!! haha.

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  13. Love your post (and blog!) I'm happily childfree, but I do relate to what you have written through my friends and their children. Gave me a good laugh! :)

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    1. So glad to bring a smile to your day! Thanks for following my posts, Astrid!

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  14. Methinks anonymous is still battling demons and loose batteries. To quote the great Sgt. Hulka - "Lighten Up Frances!"

    Anyhoo - loved all the different ways to torment the loin spawns - tongue planted firmly in cheek.

    I tell my 20 year old daughters this almost every day "You are the luckiest generation that ever was.You are born into the freeist, most successfull country in the history of the world. When you graduate your biggest worry is what blowhard will replace Al Gore or Obama in trying to scare the masses into believing the gov't. says. Graduation for kids your age in the past might have meant trudging off to fight a civil war, or in the 30's graduating and then having to find food in a dumspter, or going to Iwo Jima to watch your buddies be blown to bits, or going to various sh**holes like Vietman or Iraq (twice!) or Crapholistan. Don't ever forget that men and women died in large numbers to give you the opportunities you enjoy today - so now you don't have to die to suffer. Don't waste that opportunity and shame those that sacrificed so much for you by being a screw up, a dullard or a sloth. You owe them the simple courtesy of standing on their shoulders and doing something good with your lives - at the very least be humble, greatful and thankful. It's the least you can do."

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    1. Yes, Ketchup Chips, children today are very lucky for all that they have, and yet so many have NO IDEA.... Your comment is brilliant--well said. Thank you for sharing this! And as always, thanks again for stopping by for a fun read!

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    2. And if I see them in Zucotti park protesting the "man" - I will punch them in the face, my kids or not.

      Damn hippies....

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  15. Haha, love it. I'm planning on some major payback and am grateful for some new ideas. I personally can't wait to visit their homes and be messy, leaving cup rings on the coffee tables, leave my dirty dishes on the table, and throw my shoes around everywhere!

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    1. Be sure to leave wet towels on their bathroom floor and an old pizza box on their bed, too! That will teach them!

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  16. Now this is an idea I can get behind. I'm cleaning out their fridge, and I am never, ever going to flush.

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    1. This sounds scarily like what goes on my house already!!!

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  17. Hi,

    I just loved this! I have laughed a lot. Thank you!

    Great blog. I'm following it! :)

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    1. Thank you Nicole for the visit and for joining---it is much appreciated!

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  18. haha, I might just try one of your ideas. Good read, this!

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    1. Thanks for stopping by again, Noir HA. Glad you liked the new post!

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  19. Dearest Marcia,

    Some hilarious points in there!
    Enjoy your weekend.
    Love,

    Mariette

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, Mariette! Glad you like my new blog post!

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  20. Love your blog, I feel the same way about technology, hope some day my blog looks as cool as yours!!!

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    1. Hi Kango Kakes! Thanks for visiting my blog site and I'm glad you like it! If there is anything I can do to help you out with yours, just let me know! I'll be hopping over real soon!

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    1. Hi Shivani! Glad you like my blog site. I'll be sure to visit yours soon!

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  22. mmm, which one to choose....think I will start with number 2 my son has a knack for doing this! Amanda

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    1. Hello Amanda! Thanks for stopping by. Yes, try #2 if your son likes to interrupt your shows---return the favor for him! I can't tell you how many shows that I have missed a crucial part of the story because my kids came into the room, talked loud and asked 20 questions so I missed the best part! I think all parents suffer from this, so it's only fair we let our kids know how it feels to be denied the best part of a show! Haha!
      Thanks also for joining my blog---it is much appreciated!

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  23. hemm..nice article, I have one angel:) very helpfull information for me . Thanks

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    1. Hi Ayahe Fia! Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. Hopefully you won't have to use any of these tips on your little angel!

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  24. Haha love this post. May have to start using some on Youngling (though hes only three the tantrums can be a nightmare lol). New follower here from over at: www.makeshiftmummy.com Great to read your blog and meet you. Will be catching up and commenting more shortly :-) Take care xx

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    1. Thank you Makeshift Mummy for following me! Oh yes, I remember when my kids were three...it's a fun time, but the tantrums are rough. Good news is that he will outgrow this phase...eventually! I'll be dropping by your blog site shortly!

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  25. Very interesting post. The payback tips are really interesting.Great!

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  26. That is real good funny article...yes it is good to give them a tit for tat once in a while.They are stunned by the reverse reaction.But what is growing up without doing such things?

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    1. EMR, you are right! They have to learn through trial and error!

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  27. You are a DEVIOUS woman. I always wondered why my dad took so much interest in whatever I was watching.....

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    1. Yes, I am a bit devious but you have to admit, it's only fair after everything our lovely children put us through! Just think, they'll be well-equipped adults and ready for kids of their own one day!!! Gotta love 'em!

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  28. Great read - I laughed out loud at some of your devious suggestions! But really they do need to be taught a lesson sometimes!

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    1. Isn't that the truth! I think they become better adults as a result of it...and you have to admit, it is FUN doing some of these things----as long as there is a good mix of love with it!

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  29. I feel duty bound as a parent to embarrass my children, all adults now, at every occasion to make up for all the times they did it to us ;-)

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    1. Yes! That's the way to do it! Good to know I'm not the only parent who feels this way...besides, it sure is fun!!!

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  30. Some great tips here for me as my kids are still little 4 & 8 yrs ... so saved these great tips for future use and reference... very funny thank you x

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    1. Thanks, Jo! Glad I was able to help give you some "creative" ideas!!

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  31. LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS, oh your great and so funny. I love your blog. Thanks for sharing xo

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    1. I'm so glad you like it and it's a pleasure to have you visit!

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  32. My favourites are 13 and 16, especially "encourage them to dance with you", oh so so funny as this really embarassed me when my mum did this...haha.

    I like the song thats been playing while Im on your blog.

    Have a great night xo

    Sorry had to remove and edit as I spelt wrong :-/

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    1. My husband is mostly guilty of #13 and #16. When he calls our son's friends "dude", we all want to cringe! Worse is when he dances to 80's music at parties!!! Gotta love him for that!
      Glad you like the music--I picked it because it pretty much sums up our family life!

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  33. I figure if at least one teen isn't cringin, I'm not doin my job right.

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    1. You got that right!! Thanks for stopping by!

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  34. Being a parent is a gift. Though my children not always amusing me but god knows I love them much. I don't have a heart to harm them all though sometimes that thought cross my mind. But, I will wait until they were grow up and notice thing about parenting that where I said the magic word hopefully make they stunned.

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    1. Eventually they'll grow up, have kids of their own and realize why, as parents, we did the things we did to raise them the right way!

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  35. I laugh while reading this. I like the one that you tell your daughter to scoop the dog poop before the date of her bf. hehehe thanks for the pm in blogger. i received it and followed you thru gfc.

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    1. Thanks, Mel! I appreciate that you signed up as a follower---glad you like the blog!

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  36. Sounds like fun, I'm definitely going to try some of these ideas.

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  37. Dear mama, everytime I am here, read your post, I always got something useful. Thanks.

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  38. Thank you! I have so much to look forward to! hehehe

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    1. You certainly do----having children and getting the opportunity to annoy them a bit when they're older is one of life's simple joys!! Haha!

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  39. wkwkwkwk... very nice post menopausal mama...

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    1. Thank you, Steven! Glad you came by and took the time to check out my blog and that you liked it!

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    2. thank you for visiting my blog, and I hope you, too, presumably willing to join in my blog and I am pleased to be acquainted with you, thank you

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    3. Thanks for joining my blog! I'm headed over to yours next!

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  40. What really astounds me is they can actually drink a gallon a day.

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  41. You're so EVIL (ROTFL)!!!! Never knew that side of you. I relate and LOVE IT! Thanks for sending me the URL. :-)

    You mentioned a 500-watt flashlight in ways to annoy your children ... I THINK I have a 1950's lightbar for filming 8mm home movies in the 1950's. Took four bulbs at 375W each. In one "Everyone Loves Raymond" episode, Ray's father used the same lightbar filming home movies. Hysterical scene. Lights were totally blinding!

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    1. Yup--that kind of light would do nicely to annoy children. And oh yes, I do have that other side to me....

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  42. your posting is very good about How To Annoy Your Children

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  43. Yes. Yes. And YES! Right now, my girls are discovering new methods to humiliate me in as many different public locations as they can dream up. And at least I now have some ammunition for the teen years!
    Tracy @ Momaical

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    1. Glad I could give you some devious ideas!

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  44. You're just a little evil, eh? Awesome fun to read. (visiting from Chance of Wine's NYE's blog hop; good choice for yer' best post.)

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    1. Thanks! I had a blast writing this one--although my kids were not too happy about it. Just another way of humiliating them.

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