Saturday, April 28, 2012

"Why I Don't........."

      I've noticed a growing trend of people my age frantically scrambling to complete a "Bucket List" of things they hope to accomplish before they die.

     "I'm going to climb Mount Everest with nothing but a camera and a granola bar in my pocket!"

     "I'm going to bungee jump off the Empire State Building on New Year's Eve!"

     "I'm going to break the world's record by riding on Walt Disney World's Space Mountain for ninety days straight until I'm diagnosed with vertigo!"

      No thanks. I'm pretty content with all the things I've seen and done in my lifetime. I have a husband, four great kids, eleven pets and an endless supply of chocolate biscotti and mediocre wine. What more could a girl ask for? I have all that I need, but there's also a reverse Bucket List going on here, which includes the things that I hope NEVER to accomplish. Maybe I've become jaded with age...a bit cynical and crabby at times (blame it on menopause), but one thing is certain; I know what I DON'T want to do with the rest of my life. Whether it's out of fear or self-preservation, it doesn't matter because the things on my reverse Bucket List  are not going to happen (unless aliens replace me with a look-alike pod person who will confuse my family and friends with a sudden desire to skydive from a burning airplane onto a massive ocean liner in the middle of the Devil's Triangle). I have valid reasons for not wanting to do certain things, which absolutely justify my paranoid tendencies.

WHY I DON'T...

FLY:    No amount of cocktail peanuts or vodka martinis is going to get me up in the sky. I'm a sucker for all of those airplane crash documentaries, and there hasn't been a tranquilizer invented yet that's going to erase those images from my brain. Honestly, if God intended for us to fly, we would have sprouted fuzzy, gray wings  at birth and flown the coup before our first tooth came in.

EAT WEIRD FOOD:    Like escargot, caviar, raw oysters and frog's legs...because they're chewy, fishy, slimy and I can't bear to think of all the paraplegic frogs out there bound to wheelchairs.

GROCERY SHOP:    Dangerous territory for me. I would spend way too many hours trolling the bakery aisle, and I don't think my family would appreciate it if three-fourths of our grocery budget was blown on cheese danish and banana cream pie.

TAKE A VACATION ON A CRUISE SHIP:    I have one word for you: TITANIC.

POKE A COBWEB:    Spiders are smart. They're never around when you mess with their webs, but in reality they're lurking close by, sizing you up, figuring out how much sticky thread they'll need to produce  to wrap you up tighter than an Egyptian mummy.

ROLLER BLADE:    There's no way those little wheels are going to support my weight rolling down the pavement at 50 mph. I can think of better ways to spend my time than in an emergency room with a fractured elbow and watching reruns of The Simpsons on the hospital television.

DRIVE ON MAJOR INTERSTATES:    Because everyone drives like they're Mario Andretti pumped up on amphetamines and late for their weekly anger management therapy.  

KILL COCKROACHES:    As gross as these bugs are, the stuff that comes out of them when you squish them is even more disgusting. I prefer to spray them with poison until until they become a new breed known as "white albino cockroaches". There's also this little thing called karma...and the last thing I want to do is return to this world as a bottom feeder waiting to be snuffed out under the heel of someone's shoe.

GIVE UP SUGAR:    Are you serious? Anything worth eating has sugar in it, calories be damned!

WATCH HORROR MOVIES:    When I was a teenager, it took me months to forget the image of the demon possessed, head-spinning Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Then came Poltergeist, and I didn't sleep for a month after seeing it, convinced that my house had been constructed over a sacred Native American Indian burial ground. It was only a matter of time before those Indians were coming back to haunt me and reclaim their land. Nor was I keen on getting sucked into the television set by demonic spirits.
     For years I lived blissfully ignorant of anything frightening at the movie theaters, until my kids convinced me to watch The Ring. They assured me it was not at all scary, and being the naive parent that I obviously am, I agreed to watch the movie and settled in with a bucket of popcorn in one hand and a soda in the other.
     Stupid me. I spent the entire two hours of the show curled up in the fetal position and silently cursing my wicked children for tricking me into watching the scariest movie I had ever seen in my life! Oh sure, I could have left the room or covered my eyes, but who does that? Okay, so I did cover my eyes, but I couldn't stop peeking through my fingers at the screen.
     And I wish that I hadn't, because I spent WEEKS sitting up in bed at night, just waiting for a creepy girl with stringy, black hair to come crawling out of my television set. That movie was my introduction to the true meaning of insomnia.

WHITE WATER RAFTING:    Flying down a rapid river at break neck speeds in a rubber boat with my ass scraping over rocks is not my idea of fun.

WATCH NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC SPECIALS:    Although they're educational, I'm not into watching polar bears tearing apart seals or jaguars tackling baby deer for a midday snack.

GIVE PUBLIC SPEECHES:    I'm convinced that everyone is staring at the nervous outbreak of pimples on my chin or the microscopic spot of butter on my blouse from last night's lobster fest. My tongue turns into sand paper when I look at the audience and my words come out in an endless stream of nonsensical junk.

WEAR A BATHING SUIT IN PUBLIC:    I might be mistaken for a beached whale and get tossed back into the ocean.

    My Bucket List? Just getting through the day without crossing paths with a colony of cockroaches (or angry Indian spirits and creepy girls stuck in television sets). But I wouldn't mind sitting back with a glass of mediocre wine and watching some fool strap on a bungee cord for a courageous leap into the unknown.


100 comments:

  1. Very interesting post! Thanks for sharing.

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  2. Love your post. I agree with the boat thing - you won't get me on a boat for all the money in the world. I don't have a bucket list but the one thing I do want to do is route 66 on a Harley - aiming for my 50th!

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    1. That's a great idea, but only if you promise to come visit me while you're in the States!!!

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  3. I think there are too many people saying they will do this and that before they die... It's just talk! If they seriously mean what they say, why don't they do it?! :) I do not have a bucket list, for me it's one day at a time. I totally agree with you on most of your reverse bucket list; and #1 is 'kill cockroaches'... :((( that's hubby's job! :)

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    1. I agree--unless they really DO the things they say they're going to do, why bother telling everyone about it? Just DO it! My "Bucket List" was also to write this blog, so here I am! You are right though--take it one day at a time and enjoy the moment!!

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  4. Can I have your weird food? Because I've eaten all that stuff you mentioned and it's delish. And anyway, I don't think Southerners should be making fun of other peoples' food. Y'all eat mountain oysters, chitlins & giblet sauce! And all I can say is EWWWWWWWW! ;)

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    1. I'm with you on all of that--you won't see me eating mountain oysters, pigs feet or any of that stuff--though I know plenty who do and call it a "delicacy"! Gross!

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  5. Haha.. I agree! The stuff that came out of cockroaches are disgusting!

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    1. They are nearly impossible to kill! I think they have nine lives!!

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  6. ha! great thoughts...you know I don't have a bucket list either and I'm really okay with that~ I suppose my 'dreams' for the future could be considered that but mine are simple...to write, open my own scrapbooking store and live at the beach :)

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  7. I love it!! A reverse bucket list. I think I've done that anyhow and just never put a name to it. I'll follow back. I have 2 daughters 15 and 16.......and musings and middle age going on here too....(actually mid to late age ;) Thanks for a laugh.

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    1. Thank you Denise for the visit and the follow! Sounds like we are going through the same stage of life and dealing with the same, quirky issues! Glad to bring a chuckle to your day!

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  8. Ahahaha! Funny you should mention The Ring, because that is the one horror movie to actually terrify me! I LOVE horror movies, and while they might give me a jump in theaters, that is it. I remember seeing commercials for The Ring and thinking "Ooo, I want to see that! It looks like it might actually scare me!" Little did I know just how much. After that movie, I didn't cover my poor parakeets cage that hung in my room for a year, because without my glasses on it looked like Samara's hair...

    - Angela Marie @ http://sunkissedivory.blogspot.com

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    1. Oh yeah, that would definitely creep me out at night! I still can't look at clips from that movie!

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  9. I've done a number of things on your list, including killing cockroaches (what else can you do if you live in NYC, where I spent a decade of my life?) and white water rafting. My nieces talked me into it. I'm still here, no regrets. So I guess I can sit back and enjoy the ride now. Not a bad idea.

    Great, funny post, as usual.

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    1. I'm not sure what's more impressive---the fact that you killed the cockroaches or that you went white water rafting! You are a brave soul!

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  10. Funny post. I particularly like how your kids coerced you into seeing "The Ring," which has one of the freakiest moments in horror film history. When that girl climbed out of that television and crawled in spurts, my body froze in horror, and usually not much scares me, so the fact that your kids chose that film to show you is funny to me. They probably had a good laugh over it. Don't mean to laugh at your expense, but I know my own kids would have been roaring with laughter.

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    1. Oh yeah, my kids were roaring, all right! They still tease me for having to use a night light when I go to bed! That scene with the girl crawling out of the TV up to her victims in all those weird, jerky motions WAS horrifying! I didn't like the scene in the well any better! This time I SWEAR I am never going to watch another scary movie like that again!!!

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  12. Oh I have a reverse bucket list which grows daily. Never want to be in jail, know how much a gram of heroin is, be on trial, try dog meat and it just keeps going. But I'm also living my reverse bucket list, never wanted a hoarder room mate, cops searching my home, my 13 year old to speaking to me like his dad did. I mean, I guess what I'm sayin is I feel your pain and hot flashes....I wanna kick that bucket!!!!!

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    1. I hear ya! I don't want to be pushed into doing any of those things on the reverse bucket list, but people can be pushy and sometimes stuff just happens...and yes, I DO want to kick that stupid bucket!!
      Thanks for the visit, Crazy Mama!

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  13. I had to laugh at the WHITE WATER RAFTING part. Seriously...! Some people have no respect for their asses. Why would you want to 'row' down a fast-flowing mountain stream that screams 'DEATH WISH'? It's not exciting, it's downright stupid.

    I don't really want to say much about cockroaches. I have just recently moved house and I am happy to say that I have no issues in that department. Anymore. Karma will, however, catch up with me at some point. I was a serial roach killer with nothing but one thought on my mind: DESTROY THE ENEMY!!

    Thanks for the write-up. Entertaining as always and well-worth the wait!

    Best Wishes,
    Vinny

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    1. What was your destructive weapon of choice---a good heel squash or toxic spray???
      Maybe you should have someone perform a cockroach exorcism on your new place so the little buggers don't come back to haunt you !

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  14. I can't do the heel squash. The sound of their little bodies crushing under my foot is just wrong. It's like stepping on a snail by accident. I have thrown vodka on a roach, sprayed it with 'Target' and used a rolled-up rolling stones magazine for the final kick. Of course, these things are all done in one go.

    Murderer...

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    1. Oh yeah, they will definitely come back for you since they seem to have nine lives. Watch your back...and check under the sheets before you climb into bed at night!

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  15. I absolutely hear you on the flying thing!!

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    1. Last time I flew was about 6 years ago and I HAD to go because it was for a funeral for a relative. The flight was only an hour long but I had to chug a bottle of wine before getting on the plane to totally numb my fears....but I'm not recommending this method to everyone, especially since I made a fool of myself in the airport...another story for another time...

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  16. For some reason, I think this post as 'tounge-in-cheek'. I don't have a bucket list, I'm a 'come what may' kind of person.

    P.S Your background song never fail to keep me upbeat.

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    1. You're spontaneous---I envy that ! I probably wouldn't have so many fears if I was more like that! Glad you like the music, also. It has become our family theme song!

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  17. I LOVE how your posts are always so descriptive!

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  18. Thank you, Vixxen. I try to make it as realistic as possible so my readers can relate to what I'm thinking and feeling---good and bad! Haha. Thanks for visiting!

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  19. I hear ya on the roaches!!! Sadly, here in Saipan, I'm told to get ready for a lot of them.... thank goodness my hubby takes care of them!! He uses a fly swatter - seems to do the job without the "cream filled donut" outcome... *lol*

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    1. Oh Kate, I just had a terrible image of the cockroach cream filled donut!!! You DO have a way with words!!! And lucky you that hubby takes care of them for you---sounds like he has a lot of swatting to do if they're on their way over there! Good luck!!

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  20. MM - Sounds like you need some Bruce Lee in your life. Lee published a list of twenty ways to live your life to it's fullest - here is #12:

    Control Your Thoughts - “As you think, so shall you become.”

    Essentially he is saying if you think bad things will happen - THEY WILL! If you face the bad things head on - THEY WON'T.

    I drive a dragster. 220 MPH. Does it scare me? Yup. I also know that if I let fear into my head, something bad WILL happen. If the stakes are that high, you can't let fear in.

    Isn't life the ultimate drag race? Tons of preparation, lots of anticipation, and 6 seconds of glory. The stakes couldn't be higher - because it is your (and everyone else's!) life.

    Create it. Don't be created by it.

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    1. Ah, there you are, Ketchup Chips! In my heart I know that everything you say is true and wise---I would do well to take your advice....but at this point in my mid-life crisis stage, I just can't yet imagine speeding down a major interstate to catch a plane headed for Montana for some white water rafting, then hitting the grocery store in my bathing suit to buy some weird food to eat in front of the TV while watching The Ring the night before I leave on my cruise where I am expected to give a speech on National Geographic specials while all my friends are waiting for me to join them roller blading on deck despite a few cobwebs stuck in the wheels , which is acceptable despite the colony of cockroaches
      that have gathered around the bits of sugar that I refuse to give up!
      I think that about covers my concerns....but yes, you are correct, I need to create my own happiness rather than letting my phobias dictate my life.

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  21. Enjoyed your post! Another gross thing about squishing roaches, at least with some in Florida, is the sweet but disgusting odor they emit.

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    1. Oh no! I never experienced THAT before---they smell? Oh Lord, I don't want to get close enough to know that!

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  22. i follow you, just my promise. btw, nice post.

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    1. Thank you! I appreciate all of my followers!

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  23. Lol I don't want to come back to this world as a roach either. I have reviewed your blog on Blogger.com which I should have done a long time ago but just now I'm learning how to use the site. Have a great weekend.

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    1. Thanks for visiting---glad you like it! You have a great weekend too---just stay away from the cockroaches! Haha!

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  24. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I have issues with roaches too!

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    1. That's funny because of all the things I wrote about that I wouldn't do, the cockroach issue seems to be the most popular one among everyone!

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  25. bungee jump has been my dream for years. nice blog menopausal mama. u looked beautiful too.

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    1. You are brave, Tabanaku! I can never consider bungee jumping. Ever. Thanks for the visit and the compliment!

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  26. Cruising by "the menopause blogs" and, oh, do I hear you on poking a spider web! I recently wrote a post on menopause that may be a little risque for some readers called SSRIs, Libido and, er ... Lube.

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    1. Thanks for the visit, T! I just hopped over to your site and read the post---hysterical!!!

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    2. Thanks for coming by. Your comment was equally hysterical!

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  27. Hilarious as usual! I agree with you on the National Geographic specials. I hate to see animals get hurt. We recently watch this one about whales and some killer whales killed a baby hump back (or whatever) I was like WHAT ARE YOU DOING...YOU ARE EATING YOUR OWN PEEPS!!!! Don't you know you are ALL ENDANGERED???

    ♥ Shia

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    1. I know, right?? I always have to leave the room when my husband watches that stuff. He says it's "just nature", but that's one part of nature I'd rather be oblivious to!!

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  28. I love it! The bit about poking a spider's web had me in hysterics. Thank you for introducing this to me, I look forward to reading more... :-) x

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    1. Glad you like it, and thanks for the visit!

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  29. OMG!! I can totally agree on some of your "Not to accomplish" list! It's truly funny because I do have a "bucket list" of cars. And CARS only! :) But I'm a car freak too. I think I should seriously consider a list like yours but where to start....hmmm bungee jumping, sky diving, eating anything raw? Eeeek!!! Love your blog sweetie!

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    1. Aw, thanks, Brenda! I appreciate the kind words! So, a bucket list of cars that you absolutely wouldn't be caught dead in, huh? Wonder what those might be...

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  30. I love it. I made a list like this once. I called it something that rhymes with bucket list but starts with an F. LOL. I will definitely be following this blog.

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    1. Haha! I thought about using that as a title but I knew it would displease a few people, so I decided it was safer to refer to it as my REVERSE bucket list! :-)

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  31. Great posting. Loved your list Thanks for the laugh today. :)

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    1. Thank you for checking out my blog and joining the site!!

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  32. Haha did you notice my '12 things to do in 2012' on my blog? lol I don't think I have completed many of them yet. I too want to achieve lots before I pop my clogs as it were but I think being happy is more important. Especially at the moment when I don't have anyone to share it with. However I think it would be nice to talk about an adventure or two when meeting a potential new love interest - see latest few posts. Thanks for your support by the way I am through to the final (will send you an email on Bloggers now). Take care hun xx

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    1. Thanks Kate for the visit! I'm hopping over to your site now. Always wishing you the BEST!!!

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  33. I have to admit my bucket list would include a lot more couch orientated activities - I'm too scared to try most of those things. I can't even go overseas because I'm too chicken to fly over water :)
    So mine would include books I want to write, books I want to read and movies I haven't seen!
    Wagging Tales

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    1. I totally agree with you---flying is bad enough---but over a LARGE body of water? Not in this lifetime!!!!

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  34. gosh, you're funny! thanks for this...she says, sipping mediocre wine!

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    1. I love that! Thanks for visiting me. Here's to mediocre wine!!!

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  35. Replies
    1. Glad you like it and glad for the visit!

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  36. Dear Menopausalmother, really like this blog. It is fast to load and the posting is really clear and full detail. Thanks and wish you a great day.

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    1. I'm so glad you liked it. I hope you'll be back again to read future posts!

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  37. ha ha ha,I really liked the article, its so funny :))))

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    1. Thank you, Esther! I'm glad you like it!

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  38. Hahaha! My mom hates flying too! I don't know what would make her do it.

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    1. See, I'm not the only sane person around here!

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  39. My mother had (still have others) her reverse bucket certain things to do. She filled her bucket with her unaccomplished dreams. Once I accidently saw her bucketful dreams! I felt sorry for it. Poor mam.
    the next day we went for a 15 days exploring India journey! From kerla to Mysoor to Hyderabad to nagpur to Delhi and back journey! My mother felt she lived on those eventful days only! When I read your post here, this memories evoked in me. good post.. like it...

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    1. Thank you Musadhique! Glad my blog evoked some good memories!

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    2. ya.. and thanks to you too to shake my head with your memories..
      I joined your blog through google friend connector.
      keep blogging.

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    3. Thank you for joining--it is much appreciated!

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  40. Haha! Nice post, got me smiling from ear to ear. I like watching horror movies by the way.:P

    Before, I wanted to write down my bucket list before I turn 30. But it never happened. :D

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    1. Glad to bring a smile to your face. Don't worry about making up a bucket list---just wing it through life and enjoy yourself!

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  41. There's a ton of things on that list that I wouldn't do either, no matter what age I get to. There's nothing to stop me from wanting sugar; there is a lot stopping me from messing with spiders, and horror movies are not my favorite at all... After the grudge, I saw all sorts of things in the night for months I never wanted to imagine.

    Flying though... that isn't too bad. You're more likely to get into a car wreck or train wreck than a plain. I hope that doesn't sway you from either the above. lol

    Celeste

    Celeste

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    1. Haha that's funny! My kids tried to trick me again into watching The Grudge, but I was wiser from my mistakes and avoided it---heard it was worse than The Ring and thank goodness I didn't see it----I wouldn't have been able to sleep for many months if I'd watched it!!

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  42. Hahaha! Your post just made my day!
    Thanks for sharing!

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    1. So glad you like my post, Nelson! I hope you'll come back for more!!

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  43. love it :) very funny and optimistic your vision upon life :)
    congrats for blog
    xx
    http://theothersideofwonderland.blogspot.com/

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    1. Glad you like my vision and thanks for the visit!

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  44. This is my first visit to your blog, and I am in love with it already. This post is awesome, thanks for writing it.

    Have a wonderful weekend!

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    1. Aw, thanks Roe for checking out my site and letting me know how much you like it! I see that you also joined as a follower on my site---many, many thanks for that!!!

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  45. This made me laugh. :p I think Facebook is a factor in people suddenly obsessing over bucket lists. Adventures should be done for enjoyment or to overcome a personal fear. Not to finish off a list!

    theclothesmuse.blogspot.com

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  46. Thanks Diwata for visiting me! I couldn't agree with you more--except i still have trouble getting over my fears, especially of cockroaches!!

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  47. I couldn't have said it better. Some bucket list aspirations could kill you! And as Susan Hayward said, "I want to Live." Sometimes bucket lists represent lifetimes of desires. You scrimped, scraped by, and become almost old as dirt :-) why risk everything? Besides, most days if someone wanted to just take care of me, I'd let 'em!

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    1. I am so with you! Just let me sit peacefully in my RV during my retirement and cruise the good ol' US of A with a glass of Pinot Grigio in my hand and I'll be happy forever!!!

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  48. Tim from the trailJuly 8, 2012 at 8:31 PM

    As to why you don't take cruises on vacation....
    Reminded me of a lame-o Irish joke about two Irish sailors shiprecked in the North Atlantic in April 1912. They're desolate, then rejoice as one says to the other.... "Thanks be to God! We're saved! Here' comes the Titanic!!!!
    (I apolgize if in bad taste, but just a goofy irreverent joke that came to mind after reading your post).

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    1. Tim, you are so funny--you know I love your corny jokes!

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  52. I'm really disgusted to admit that I've tasted frog legs. GROSS. They didn't taste gross, as they say, "Tastes like chicken" but it was still gross to me because I knew what it was. EWWWW I am so with your on the roaches. I hate them so much and I'm so squeamish about them, I couldn't read that one. So all I saw was Kill Roaches and I moved to the next one. LOL! I think scarred for life scary movies might go back as far as Poltergeist for me too. I do remember seeing a movie AT the movies Night of the Living Dead with my older cousin. I was trying not to act like a immature kid since I was a tag along with teenagers 4 years older than me but I might have had my eyes closed the entire time. I'm not fond of Michael Jackson's Thriller video either.

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  53. Ok wait, you don't fly and you don't take cruises? How on earth are you ever gonna visit Australia?
    Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

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