Friday, April 12, 2013

Meno Mama In Wonderland

  It's Secret Subject Swap day again, the brain child of Karen at http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt today comes from one of my favorite blogging buddies, Sarah at http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com. And oh boy, did she nail me on this! The prompt question is: "A video just went viral on YouTube. You were in it! Tell the story in whatever manner you wish, such as: How did this happen? What was in the video? What was your reaction?"
 It's that time again---Secret Subject Swap Friday, the brain child of Karen at
     I wrote a really good post for this, scouts honor, but my dog ate it. Yes Teacher, the dog ate my homework. No, I did not store my post in my computer. I wrote it on a yellow note pad because my real name is Wilma Flintstone.
     Seeing as I couldn't retrieve my muse from the dog's butt, I had to start all over again. So gather around, children; Meno Mama has a fairytale to share with you. And no, I did NOT write an opium-induced story like Lewis Carroll. Mine just involved copious amounts of alcohol.


     It was a restless night of hot flashes and tangled sheets for Meno Mama. A white rabbit appeared by her bed and whispered in her ear, "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!"
     "Give me the key to unlock this menopausal hell," Meno Mama said, "and I'll follow you anywhere!"
     The rabbit whipped out a bottle of Grey Goose with a label on it that read, "Drink Me", and promised it would solve all of her menopausal problems. After Meno Mama swallowed a few shots and felt all warm and fuzzy inside, that sneaky rabbit pulled a camera out of his vest pocket and started filming her. "Just a little video montage for posterity," he smirked.
     That Grey Goose worked its magic because somehow Meno Mama was able to squeeze her ass through a tiny door in a tree that led to a Prozac-induced Wonderland where everybody was sucking on Dilly Bars. 
     The rabbit left her standing in a garden of red and white roses that were tucked among rows of flowering Cadbury Eggs. As Meno Mama was stuffing her cheeks with chocolate like a crazed hamster, she noticed a hookah-smoking caterpillar filming her in mid-bite.
Obviously he didn't respect the fact that NO woman wants to be filmed while she's cheating on her diet. Meno Mama began to protest but the caterpillar interrupted, warning her that if she wasn't the original Menopausal Mother, the Queen Of Hearts was going to chop off her head. Meno Mama wondered how she could prove her true identity. Should she show the queen her lifetime supply of hormone replacement therapy pills or just let her majesty move in for a week and observe first hand the constant, menopausal bitch mode she'd fallen into lately? 
 
 Looking above her head, Meno Mama saw a fat, Cheshire cat sitting in a tree. That dude had a smile on his face straight out of a Cheech and Chong movie. Meno Mama believed he was grinning so wide because he was smoking a suspicious looking cigar and had probably taken a titanic size dump in the litter box. 
     You think it's weird now? That crazy cat led Meno Mama to the wonky, Mad Hatter, who winked at her and she swore she saw Johnny Depp in his calico eyes. He poured her some yum yum in a
chipped tea cup, which after one sip, her refined tastebuds identified as a Long Island Iced Tea. They munched on chocolate scones and gossiped about that ratchet Queen Of Hearts. This pleased the Mad Hatter, causing him to jump up and do the Fudderwupping dance. Even though Meno Mama was chocolate wasted, she grabbed his hand and joined the dance. 
     The Queen Of Hearts interrupted their fun and challenged Meno Mama to a game of croquet. Little did she know that Meno Mama was a champion ball buster, and being defeated by a common blogger did not sit well with the queen.

     "Off with her head!"
     "If you kill me, " Meno Mama said, "you'll never discover the Fountain Of Youth." 
     The queen raised one bushy, black eyebrow and sized up the competition. "You look too young and you act too young to be menopausal. I don't believe you're who you claim to be. Slay the Jabberwocky of middle-age mayhem and I'll be able to live for eternity, never to grow old...and yes, if I must, I'll spare your life." Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee clapped with glee and munched on liverwurst and jellybean sandwiches. Clearly they had failed every mental aptitude test ever given to them.
     Meno Mama met the Jabberwocky on a rocky mountainside that led to the gates of Menopausal Hell. This beast was not the fierce dragon she had been expecting; the Jabberwocky was lounging in
her cave in a tattered bathrobe and floppy-eared bunny slippers. Dark circles formed crescent moons under her eyes as she stared dully at a repeat episode of Jerry Springer on TV. Her coffee cup was empty but the ash tray was full, and crumpled beer cans littered the cave floor. The place was a dump. Her scales had lost their lovely, aqua hue and her claws were in dire need of a manicure.
     "If you've come to slay me, " the Jabberwocky said, "be my guest. At least that way I'll finally catch up on my sleep without anymore hot flashes to keep me awake all night."
     "What the hell is wrong with you?" cried Meno Mama. "I was expecting a fire-breathing beast!"
     "Honey, the only time I breathe fire is when there's too many jalapeños in my chili. Even then, it's not just my breath that's on fire." A deep sigh rumbled in her chest. "I'm old. I'm tired. I need a vacation. I need a Xanax."
     "The only thing wrong with you is that you're menopausal and you've let this whole, middle age thing go to your head. Now get your scaly ass off that nasty couch and come with me, Sista!"
     It took some doing, but after a week of spa treatments, zumba classes, psychotherapy and a six month supply of Prozac, the Jabberwocky's attitude adjustment restored peace to the kingdom of Wonderland. The Queen Of Hearts envied the renewed youthfulness of the Jabberwocky and ordered her minion deck of cards to destroy the dragon. The good people of Wonderland had lived long enough
under the bitter reign of the queen and gladly banished her from the kingdom. Before the guards dragged her away, the queen glared at Meno Mama one last time. "You're still an imposter!" she hissed. "You're too young to be a Menopausal Mother!"
     Meno Mama leaned close to the queen's ear and whispered, "And that, dear lady, is what you have been missing all along. Age is but a number. Beauty and youth are found within a heart that stays true!"
     As the soldiers led the shrewish woman away, Meno Mama was crowned the Queen Of
Wonderland. Snippets of her success story appeared first on YouTube, became an overnight hit, and was then made into a documentary that appeared on the Lifetime Movie Network.
     Once Meno Mama settled into her new role as the Queen Of Hearts, she banned all rabbit slippers and liverwurst and jellybean sandwiches from Wonderland. And everyone in the kingdom lived happily ever after.
     The moral of the story? If you drink too much Grey Goose, you'll end up following a wild hare. And never, EVER leave a hand written blog post near a goat--dog. He'll be pooping your muse for weeks to come!


     Now please go give the other bloggers participating today in the Secret Subject Swap some sugar!

****In case you missed it, Menopausal Mother was the featured guest on the Messy Moms Radio show on 4/11/13. You can still hear the funny interview if you click on this link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/messymomsradio/2013/04/11/how-many-kids-and-counting

SSS Bloggers:    

91 comments:

  1. That was freaking funny!! Great job.
    xoxo

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    1. Glad you liked it since you know darn well when I posted it a rat ran across my room hahaha!!!

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  2. Grey Goose, Prozac, and Cadbury eggs???? PLEASE let me inside your world!!!!!!

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    1. I'll admit, it is kinda fun here.....come on over and do shots with me!

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  3. *Stands up clapping* BRAVO! BRAVO! *Everyone else stands up-it's a standing ovation for a post well done!

    This was no less than magnificent! I should write stuff with you in mind more often! ;-) XO!

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    1. Haha I am so glad you liked it since it's your prompt! I thought the original was better but since the dog ate it, I will never know...and yes, you can write prompts for me any time you want! <3

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  4. OMG, you had me at the Grey Goose and the Cadbury Eggs. This was not only hysterical, but had a moral to the story. You are amazing.

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    1. As always, I struggled with it and then at the last minute it just sort of pulled together. I still think the one the dog ate was better---but I had too much wine that night so I don't remember what I wrote! Oh well...glad you still liked it! XO

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  5. Seriously, that was too damn awesome and was left speechless by the end, which is no small feat, because I never stop talking, lol!! :)

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    1. Awwww you are so sweet! Thank you, Janine! <3

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  6. Pretty nutty story, alright but very entertaining and imaginative just as I would expect from the Menopausal Mama. Lewis Carroll might turn over in his grave but then again, he did like far fetched stories, himself, didn't he? I must try liverwurst and jelly bean sandwiches. YUM! Sounds delicious!

    Cattitude and Gratitude

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    1. Hahaha come on over---we can do Grey Goose shots AND eat jellybean and liverwurst sandwiches!!! But only if we put on our bunny slippers....

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  7. Dearest Queen-of-Hearts-All-Buster! That was amazing. I saw you all the way through it. Please say that there are enough Cadbury Eggs and Long Islands to go around to all the good people in your land...Awesome job, Marcia.

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    1. YES! Everybody in the kingdom gets my special brand of tea and a smorgasbord of Cadbury Eggs! Hahaha glad you liked the post, Michele! XO

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  8. Replies
    1. Awwww...thanks, Dale! So happy to see you here and glad you liked the post!

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  9. This was amazing, creative and hilarious but now watching Alice in Wonderland with the kids will never be the same! I like your version much better! I've had my own Grey Goose adventures. Ah, those were the days!

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    1. Awww.. thanks, Peanut Layne! So happy to see you here! I'm with you--I think we should come up with our own versions of the classic fairytales! And oh boy, I would LOVE to hear some of your Grey Goose stories...future blog post, perhaps, hmmm?

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  10. Aother hilarious post - and you even managed to feature Johnny Depp! :)

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    1. He does tend to sneak into my blog posts quite a bit, doesn't he?

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  11. I don't know what I was looking at when I clicked on this blog. I thought I was going to be reading about Bradley Cooper :) Did you sneak me one of your drinks through cyberspace?

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    1. Hahaha! For some reason, every time I put a notice of a blog update on Facebook, Bradley's picture comes up! But that's not a bad thing, right? Maybe I'm enticing more readers over here that way!!

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  12. All stuff I love in this order...vodka, chocolate, Johnny Depp, and a pep talk about my recent mid-life crisis. I feel better, thanks!

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  13. Love all of this!!! Johnny Depp especially!!!! Glad to follow you!!!! Way to rock the prompt!!!!

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    1. I'm so glad you liked it! I figured I can't go wrong with Johnny Depp.....

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  14. I am really impressed with your writing skills and
    also with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself?
    Anyway keep up the excellent quality writing, it's rare to see a great blog like this one these days.

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    1. OK Spammer you had me at cheap party pills....

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    2. Haha!! Can't believe you responded to a spammer. Love you

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    3. Normally I just delete them but this one was just too funny to resist!!!

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  15. Love, love, love this. And I totally still write posts on paper. Guess I'll always do that. And I had to give you mad props for making this up by the seat of your pants. You rock!

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    1. Thank you, Melissa! It was a difficult prompt but somehow it just all came together at the last minute. Glad you liked it!

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  16. LOL! I don't know what you were drinking when you wrote this meno mama but whatever it is, I want some.

    This is an amazing story to rival that of the original. Actually, it was much funnier and more surreal than the original. Absolutely loved it. :)

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    1. Hi Lily! I am always so happy to see you here! I confess I was drinking when I wrote the ORIGINAL draft of this post but then the dog ate it so I had to start all over...completely sober.....it really is scary how my mind works sometimes...but I am THRILLED that you like it!

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  17. Replies
    1. Thank you! Not bad for being sober when I wrote it, eh?

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  18. This has got to be your best post ever!! Just so awesome!! Glad the dog ate the first draft!! :D

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    1. Thank you, Roshni! I was worried about it--so glad to hear you like it!!

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  19. FIRST OF ALL: "Seeing as I couldn't retrieve my muse from the dog's butt..." This is one of the greatest lines EVAH.

    Secondly, your description of the jabber was so well-done that I could see her in clear detail in my mind's eye, and I laughed. As bad as I felt for her, I laughed - particularly at the old, floppy-eared bunny slippers. As usual, great post! Funny AND philosophical.

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    1. Trust me---there is many a day when I feel like the Jabberwocky! And I seriously did check out the dog's poop just in case there was any chance I could retrieve SOMETHING! Happy to see you here again!

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  20. I'm doing a you-tube search now, I really wanna see this :) What a totally fun post! So creative and wrapped up with a feel good moral at the end! Awesome :)

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    1. Thank you!!! I really wasn't sure how I was going to end it until I looked over at my dog and I swear he was smirking at me because he knew he'd swallowed the best part of the blog post!

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  21. MM, you never fail to impress! Fiction, reality, funny or serious... You got it all! Loved your imagination and descriptions in this one. I think I need to start drinking more often!!!

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    1. Thanks, Jon! You know how my mind wanders all over the place. Got a new bottle of Grey Goose sitting right here for ya whenever you want it. Oh, just think of the blog posts you would write....Lol!

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  22. You are so damned creative!! You never cease to entertain me and make me laugh, whether it's real life or fairy tale!

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    1. Awww.. . thanks, Hon. You know I LOVE your mind, too. Your blog always makes me smile!!!

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  23. This was a hysterical mix of writing, lol. And I know you're right, you gotta watch the dog, ESPECIALLY if he's a goat dog.

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    1. Hahaha! He seriously IS a goat dog! He was also in the process of eating my reading glasses when I found him!

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  24. I laughed so hard when you said you wrote on paper because your name was Wilma Flintstone ... I am looking forward to listening to your interview later tonight, once I have Valentina off to bed :)

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    1. That's awesome!! Hope you like it! They kept me on for the whole hour!!!

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  25. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  26. This should be a movie! I almost peed my pants laughing (Thanks for that kids). I could just imagine this character as she travels through wonderland, but I imagine her more tipsy.

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    1. Good idea! Meno Mama in Wonderland needs to be more tipsy!

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  27. I'm a new follower from MHO Monday Mingle.

    Jen
    http://www.jenstangledthreads.com

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  28. Yeah, I'm sorry, I just don't buy the no opium statement. Grey Goose could never produce that story all by itself!

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  29. Mamas you spoke to my heart! I love Alice and I love love love your story!!! xoxoxoxo

    ps I nominated you for a liebster - check it out http://camomsworld.blogspot.com/2013/04/super-love.html

    xoxo,
    D

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    1. You are so sweet! Thank you so much for the kind words and the award!

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  30. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  31. I can see why you won most funny award! : )

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  32. Excellent! All this and chocolate, Long Island Iced Teas and Johnny too? Wonderland most certainly.

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  33. Hey there! Here from the Monday Mingle! Just wanted to let you know I'm following you via GFC and bloglovin'! I'm also following all of your social networks! Hope you'll get a chance to visit me :o) You can find me here:

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  35. Meno Mama = "Queen of Hearts." Holy Smokes & Grey Goose too... LOVE IT!!!

    Nice... have a great week, Slu

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    1. Perhaps I should start calling myself the Queen of Hearts then, hmmm? Thanks for the visit, Slu. I always love seeing you here!

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  36. "As Meno Mama was stuffing her cheeks with chocolate like a crazed hamster..." This just made me laugh right out loud. You are a creative wild woman! I hope you stay that way for a very long time to come!

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    1. I hope so, too! Age really is just a number. I think my heart is in the right place...forever young!

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  37. This post is so full of WIN! And it has a happily ever after. Thank goodness, because I am in the tattered bathrobe and bunny slippers stage (and I'm only pre-meno). You know it's bad when your friend gives you a new bathrobe for Xmas because he can't stand to look at you in your old one. sigh.

    But you've given me hope that I, too, can be as awesome and creative as you post-meno. I've got the happy pills and alcohol part down already. Spa treatments are an occasional indulgence. I'm on the fence about the psychotherapy. And the zumba classes can definitely kiss my fat ass.

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    1. I promise you--when the kids grow up and leave the nest, it is like a REBIRTH! You finally have time to read and write and yes, take zumba classes. You'll see...there really is a light at the end of the menopausal tunnel!

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  41. This is hilarious! I just posted my daughter's Alice in Wonderland Birthday party so when I saw your title on SITS I had to check it out. So glad I did! Love it.

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    1. Thank you so much for the visit, fellow SITS sister!!

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  42. Beautiful mama, I nominated you for an award. http://taoofpoop.blogspot.com/2013/04/beautiful-mama.html

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    1. Awww Rachel, you are so awesome!! Thank you !!!

      Delete
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  44. Hello! I came across your blog via the Blog Hop. I loved your post! It is hilarious and entertaining.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Two things:

    1. Of course age is just a number...but skin cream helps. :-)

    2. I'm not following when you say "too much Grey Goose." I'm sorry. That just doesn't compute. :-)

    Much bloppy love to you!

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    1. Hahaha you are too funny, Lisa! Good point though--there really isn't "too much" Grey Goose!

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  46. ROFLPMP. This is so funny. I love your humour. We come from the same stock, I still write my ideas on paper, along with pictures and doodling. I am SOOO glad my dog is not a goat-dog.....

    Handmade at Warratahstree

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    1. So happy to see you here again Tracy! Also nice to know I'm not the only one who still actually WRITES down her blog ideas!!!

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  47. Very energetic post, I loved that a lot. Will there be a part 2?


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