Friday, October 4, 2013

Facebook Follies

 
 "Hello, my name is Marcia and I'm a facebookaholic." Yes, I'm coming clean about my addiction. Not a day goes by that I don't crave a fix in the form of a status update, a handful of "likes"or stalking the pages of my friends. If I go too many hours without a connection, I get fidgety and cranky. My palms sweat if I'm unable to answer my phone when it jangles with a notification from someone commenting on my status. I have nightmares of being lost in a jungle with no WiFi, and I've been known to scream at my internet provider during a hurricane if I'm unable to access my online connections.

     My addiction has disrupted my family life and affected my health. I now suffer from NBS (Numb Butt Syndrome), a direct result of sitting in a chair for hours while trolling through Facebook. Cooking and cleaning have taken a backset to my obsession. My poor family has been forced to survive on frozen dinners that have been sitting in the back of my freezer since 2005. I'm farming dust bunnies under all the beds and my cobweb festooned house closely resembles
Miss Havisham's home in Dickens' Great Expectations. My family finally reached a breaking point and staged an intervention after I whipped out my cell phone in the emergency room to check on stats while the doctor stitched up my injured hand.  They sent me to rehab for my addiction and presented me with a "Just Say No To Facebook" t-shirt after I completed the five step program.

     Sadly, it was all in vain. I could NEVER give up Facebook. It's my lifeline to a community of friends.  I'm not prepared to sacrifice my voyeuristic peek into the world that Facebook offers. I know what my friends eat, where they go for fun, what their kids are up to, how often their dog poops and where they shop for rash ointment.
     The only problem with Facebook is that it has very few guidelines for users to adhere to. You can get away with just about anything you post on your wall. During the election, the political bashing was unconscionable, but I muddled through it in order to read posts from others like me who steered clear of using the site as a political platform for sharing opinions.
     Facebook should design a manual that advises against the following:

GAME REQUESTS:  There are plenty of addicting games out there that border on being cultish. I avoid them like the plague. The amount of time I spend on the internet is long enough without needing to mainline Candy Crush or ask someone to buy me a pig for my virtual farm.

SELFIES:  I enjoy looking at profile pictures, but after awhile the selfies all start looking the same. They're usually taken at a high angle so that the person in the picture looks like they've had a face lift or Botox injections. Okay, so I'm guilty of selfies like this....but so is most of the female population over the age of forty.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION:  I don't need to know that the Burrito Supreme you just inhaled at Taco Hell is making you poop out a tri-colored bean piƱata.

PHOTO TAGGING:  REAL friends do not tag you in unflattering pictures. It defeats the purpose of all your selfies. Nothing is worse than strolling through Lowe's to check out the sprinkler head assortment while someone is out there tagging you in a picture from last year's holiday office party. You know the one----it's that pesky photo of you when you were drunk and riding on the shoulder's of one of your coworkers....with an alligator snout on your face.

FAMILY DRAMA:  I don't want to read Act Three of your family argument over the cousin who slept with your sister's boyfriend, or the in-law who swears he didn't father your neighbor's new baby. If you want the whole world in on your drama, apply for a guest spot on The Jerry Springer Show.

HEALTH ISSUES:  It's not necessary to share the details of your uncle's testicular problems or your recent bout with a bladder infection. If you're seriously depressed, share it privately with your closest friends or seek professional help rather than cause alarm among the hundred or so people who follow your status updates. Unless you're hoping your friends send you sympathy chocolate... in that case, it just might be worth a large box of Godivas.

VACATION PICTURES:  Although I am happy for friends fortunate enough to be able to afford a little R&R, I'm also a tad bit jealous. While they're sipping wine at an outdoor cafe in the south of France, I'm vacuuming up dog hair clots and scooping Tootsie Rolls out of the cat's litter box.


     So why, if I have all of these complaints, am I still addicted to Facebook? In a nutshell: FRIENDS. We share funny jokes and memes, support one another through the tough times and celebrate our victories together. I can connect with people I haven't seen since grade school on the internet while still in pajamas and curlers in my hair. It's like one big online reunion minus the pricey reservations or stress over what makeup and clothing will shave ten years off my appearance. They have my selfies for that. In the meantime, I'll be the disheveled woman behind the computer in a bathrobe fuzzy with dog hair and toast crumbs in her lap.  
 



***NEWS FLASH*** I have some last minute EXCITING news to share with you! I'm happy to announce  the release of  The Mother Of All Meltdowns, a collaboration of humorous stories from 30 mom bloggers sharing their worst mommy meltdown moments. I am honored to be a contributing author to this book, which is now available through Amazon.com in ebook or print. Order your copy today! 




       

91 comments:

  1. If I'd have known that facebook had so many mad things to it, I would have joined years ago. It sounds better than any drama I've seen on TV. I mean, secretly, don't we all want to know who the next door neighbours real dad is? And don't we all want to see the well respected, quiet businessman dancing on the table in a provocative way with women's tights on, during the Christmas work party? Oh yes.
    But I'm with you on the vacation photos. I don't fancy sitting at home in the middle of winter looking at some fortunate, lucky, well-off person enjoying the luxuries of life that I can't have, no way. Keep jealousy at bay I say :(

    I see the addiction MM and you have a point about doing all of this from the comfort of your home.

    Hope you hand is healing nicely now. And a massive congratulations for contributing to The Mother of all Meltdowns. I know this is gonna be a big hit and very funny. Well done mate, I'm very proud of you. Now I wonder if I can navigate myself to Amazon without having to ring up my tech mate for help.
    Have a brilliant weekend.

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    1. LOVE the image of the business man in women's tights dancing on the table, haha!!! Glad you enjoyed the post, RPD. The hand is healing nicely--thank you for asking!

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  2. Congratulations on your authorship.

    I love Facebook, and on a larger scale, the Blogosphere, because of the friends it brings me - the connectedness. I couldn't care less for the games or pointless updates, but the people - they're worth the input and the wonder is that without the social media, I would never have 'met' them, and life would be so much the poorer. Perfectly put.

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    1. Totally agree---it amazes me how many kind-hearted, beautiful friends I have made in the last 2 years since getting active on the internet. I seriously do not know what I would do without them--they've become my lifeline. <3

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  3. Love it, Marcia! I had a good chuckle at your post. Facebook is my addiction, too. Don't know what I'd do without it. It is like a drug how I sit and wait for those LIKES and red numbers to pop up and rush over to get my fix. I think my family has given up and have resigned themselves to seeing the back of my head all the time. And as for housework, I never was much for that anyhow even before Facebook. Now I have a really good excuse!

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    1. I LOVE what you said here---your family being resigned to looking at the back of your head, haha! Mine feel the same way!

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  4. I definitely used to be a Facebook addict, no doubt. But since I started the blog, its become more of a straight contact and promo tool than anything else. Sure, I'll still post interesting stuff I've seen that I want to share with people, but I'm nowhere near as obsessed now I have "my own channel" so to speak.
    Agree with most of your social network advice too, I covered that subject on Diary of an Internet Nobody also.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, Dale. I'd love to read your post about Facebook---send me the link!

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  5. It's a drug and I just can't quit it.

    Congrats on the book, girl!!! You deserve wonderful things!!

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    1. Teri, I LOVE reading your status updates on Fb--you are a hell of a funny lady! XO

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  6. I love Facebook too... those game requests have to go though... I have no time for them

    Congratulations on the new book collaberation... that is awesome ;-)

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    1. Thanks, Launna! I get soooo many of the game requests! I just ignore them all. I am already on Facebook too many hours in a day as it is haha!

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  7. Facebook is wonderful. I feel normal after a scroll down the screen. AND... I hardly ever forget a birthday now. I just need it to remind me about my anniversary.
    My pet hate: SERIOUSLY I am not interested in what animal / child was mauled/ abused/ whatever. I have enough of that in the news... I really don't want to see your shared post on the matter. If you're that concerned - go do something about it.

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    1. Oh I KNOW!!! I have to just race past those--the pictures are sickening. I Know the person is trying to get a point across but that's just too sad and awful for me to look at!

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  8. I have Facebook open all day every day. How else am I going to keep up with everybody's posts? I might miss a good one, you know? As for game requests, you can block them. I do play a couple of games but they change, like I have gotten to level 419 in Candy Crush and it is no fun anymore. But the main thing with Facebook is seeing posts from friends, old and new, and family. It has been the best way to see pictures of the kids that I would otherwise never see. My husband thinks Facebook is a waste of time but then when I tell him about a family member, he says I didn't get that email. Well, he should check his Facebook more often!

    Congrats on the book! It sounds great!

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    1. My husband doesn't have a Facebook---he thinks it's dumb---but he sure enjoys hearing the updates I give him! I'm like you---I prefer it basically as a means to keep up with my friends and see their new pictures. The game requests--didn't know I could block those--thanks for the tip!

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    2. You have to block each game as you get a request. It will ask you if you want to block all requests from that site or game, I think that is how it is. I used to play Farmville and Chefville and once in a while I get a request somehow, but it is nothing like when I was playing the games.

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    3. Chefville??? OMG never heard of that one!!! Hey, thanks for sharing this with me. I'm off to do some game blocking now.....

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  9. Facebook in general, and candy crush specifically, is evil. I can't leave it alone. Help me someone.

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    1. Oh NOOOOO! You're addicted? Candy Crush has you in it's greedy claws? Time for a game intervention! Thanks for stopping by, mprjr.

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  10. Congrats on the book! I talked about it in my post today. I'm addicted to Twitter. It'd probably be better for my blog if I were addicted to FB. I think more bloggers hang out there. But I can only handle one addiction at a time. :-)

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  11. Oh that's so sweet of you to give the book a shout out! Thanks, Kate! You know, I just can't seem to get into Twitter. I guess because I talk too much and I hate being restricted on the number of characters. So I stick with Facebook so I can blah blah blah all day long haha!!!

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  12. There are times I'm thankful for my work schedule and that I'm limited on Facebook time. I can see where it could very well become addicting. That being said, it's time I rush back to check my notifications. God, if someone sent me something and I don't answer in 30 seconds or less, the voodoo queen of Baton Rouge will send her zombie slaves for me and take me into another hell called Twitterland! Woe to those who end up there! Funny piece!

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    1. Ahhhh Rich you are too funny!!! Twitterland Hell and zombie slaves--two of my favorite things!

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  13. Oh goodness, all of this is so true when it comes to Facebook!

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    1. Haha looks like we're all addicts here.....

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  14. I share your addiction, but you know that. But I also go a little crazy with the constant updates every time someone's kid farts. I mean, really, even if it was funny the first time (it wasn't), it's certainly not the 25th. And yet here I sit, still addicted and loving it.

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    1. How about when someone has a new grand baby? It's cute to see a few times but after seeing hundreds of pictures over the course of three days....yeah, that. And I'm right beside you on the Facebook thing. Just. Can't. Stop.

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  15. I'm with you on every. Single. Point. Particularly the game requests (Did I tell you I'm a recovering Facebook Farmville addict? True story.) and TMIs. The Family dramas and health lowlights. Ugh. Is that really what a colon looks like? Now I can't unsee it!

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    1. Farmville was craaaazy! My sister was so addicted to it. Afraid I AM guilty of the TMI health thing--I posted a picture of my bloody hand on Facebook after the accident haha!!

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  16. Just like your Hubby, mine also thinks it's dumb. He wants nothing to do with Facebook or any other form of social media.

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    1. That's OK because we have each other! <3

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  17. When Farmville first came out I had an addiction. It got so bad that once when our electric went out in a storm, I drove into town (half an hour each way) to harvest my crops. Hahahahaha, I knew then that it was time to quit, and I did. ;) It was fun while it lasted though. There was one point where my teen son (then a teen, he's grown now), hubby, daughter and I would all harvest at the same time on our computers, in the same room. It was ridonkulous. :)

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    1. That's HILARIOUS!!!! I remember my sister asking me to tend to her "crops" when she was away. I was like, "WTH???"

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    2. My teen wanted me to harvest his crops when he had to go to school and we were in a group thing. Of course I did. :)

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  18. I'm a twitter addict...as if you didn't know that already! Sometimes I like Facebook too, but I hate those cryptic posts "I'm just devastated" and then nothing! Why are you devastated? Is it just drama or did something really really horrible happen. And then if your next post is "headed out to dinner and the movies," how seriously am I supposed to take you?

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    1. OMG that is SO TRUE!!! Or people who air their marriage problems on Facebook--saying they are DONE...and then the next status is "Cuddling with my honey at the movies..." Huh?

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    2. Yeah, love those too! Haha. I don't know why anyone would air anything out on Facebook. It exists online forever then! Don't people realize that?!

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  19. I trriiiiiiied with all my heart and soul.. Okay, that's a big, fat lie. I tried for maybe a week to deactivate and then I felt like Michael Corleone in "The Godfather"... "Every time I tried to get out they kept pulling me back in." It's especially true since I too, am Italian. And for the most part Facebook just satisfies that nosey bitch in me that must at all times know what everyone else is doing and maybe not EVERYTHING they're doing, I don't need to hear about anal seepage but I don't mind seeing someone from high school that I never liked in the first place, super fat with hideous looking children and a big 'ol fatty, balding husband. And that my dear Menopausal Mama is why I too am addicted to Facebook! :D
    Love your blog and am now stalking (following) you.
    I'll be back. You've been warned. ;)

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    1. HAHAHA I LOVE the way you think----we are most definitely on the same page here. And please, stalk away because I will be stalking you, too! Dying to see what your blog is like!

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  20. There are some people on our Facebooks that hubby & I simply tune in to read what hilarious melodrama is playing out in this given moment. It's better than a cheap, trashy sitcom! And, I agree--there's far too much TMI stuff going on on FB! xo T. http://tickledpinkwoman.blogspot.com

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    1. It really IS like a soap opera. Hey, pass the popcorn, will ya?

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  21. Me too. My inner thoughts usually consist of things like this: "hungry...Facebook...let the dogs out...Facebook...throw in a load of laundry...Facebook...phone's ringing...ignore it, because Facebook..." See you at the meeting.

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    1. LOL I see you on there, Linda---why do you think I keep sending you pug pictures? Haha!!!

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  22. Oh man! I think I have a Facebook addiction too! Yikes!!! HAHA to the Selfies part. I haven't found the angel that makes me look good yet or you'd see more of me on there. Also, YAY to the book! :) So exciting. Huge exciting!

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    1. Congrats to you, too! And you don't have t worry about angles, girl, you are too damn pretty!

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  23. Arrrggghhh, I am so right there with you! In fact, I've been having an internal argument with myself for a few weeks now, saying I need to reduce my time on there. "But I don't wanna," Myself screams back. "It's fun and cool, and it's my social life, plus if I reduce my time on there, I won't be able to bombard Marcia with posts on her timeline!"

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    1. I LOVE the posts you send me---so keep the pugs, squirrels and Nutella coming!

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  24. My daughter and I were just talking about Facebook...she says there are way too many pictures of food! "Here's my dinner, here's my snack" Sheesh. Enough already! I don't want to see my lunch again!

    Congrats on the book!!!! I know your contribution will be hilarious, and so based in truth. I really do love reading your blogs, MM. So down to earth. I can really relate. So happy that we have connected this way :)
    Ceil

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    1. I am so happy we connected too, Ceil. I love your words---so inspiring. I always get a cozy feeling when I read your blog posts---you speak right from the heart and I really like that about you!

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  25. Photo tagging--SO TRUE!! I just had to delete some that my friend had tagged me on that made me look 3 months pregnant...and the worst part was that the pics were from a 10K in which I totally KICKED ASS! There's nothing like coming home and feeling good about yourself, ready to check out all the event pics and seeing one in which you look like you have a baby in your belly--when you don't. Argh. And the book--holy sheot, Marcia, what huge news!! CONGRATS!!

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    1. Thanks, Shay! Oh man, the tagging thing---HATE when people do it---especially if I'm in the background of the pic and I'm stuffing a hamburger in my mouth! My kids already figured out a long time ago how to get revenge on me with that one...

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  26. I'm totally nodding in agreement over here. Facebook could very well be the root of all evil, but it's sure not gonna discourage me from being on it!

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    1. You can NEVER leave--I thrive on our night owl conversations, haha!!!

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  27. I don't do Facebook but I do pretty much everything else.

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    1. You lead an interesting life----mine is quite ordinary and I need the socialization time...otherwise I would just hibernate under the covers and only come out to eat and poop.....

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  28. I love Facebook too, but agree about the vacation photos. A couple photos is nice, but not every step of the trip - depresses those surviving daily life:)

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    1. I become very envious when I'm busy scrubbing toilets and people are posting pictures of surfing in Hawaii or hiking around the Grand Canyon. WAAAAAH!

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  29. Congrats!! The book is on my ipad right now! I'm so proud of you and all the authors; it's VERY exciting! :) (also addicted to social media)

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    1. Thank you, Beth! It was a lot of fun working with those gals!

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  30. HA! Love your Burrito Supreme comment! And yes, I am a fellow FB-aholic! Your observations are SO funny and SO true!

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    1. It seems like everyone on Facebook has a complaint sooner or later when it comes to Taco Hell. I see you on Facebook quite often----looks like I'm in good company, haha!!!

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  31. Ha!!! So many things you mention... LOL

    Donna comes in, gets in her jammers, gets on the couch with her i-Pad, and settles in on FB. It's crazy. But it's all fun too with the 'connections.'

    Mucho Congrats to you and the 29 others on the Book!!! Nice, Slu

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    1. Donna and I do the same---you gotta be comfy while you're Facebooking, haha!

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  32. Congratulations on the book! I've betrayed Facebook. I'm now spending most of my time on another site. Don't tell Facebook.

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  33. Firstly, congratulations on the book! Secondly, I can relate to everything in this post Marcia and I steer clear of doing all those things on FB. I get very jealous of holiday snaps... and I love those funny memes, especially the dog and cat ones! I can waste hours looking at doggy links!

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    1. Me too! I love any memes with animals, especially squirrels. I read them all, and suddenly an entire hour has gone by with me just staring at a computer screen!!!

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  34. Facebook only takes up as much of your time as you let it. I've never gotten involved in the games, and I changed my settings so I can't see what everyone else is doing in Farmville and Mafia Wars. I also avoid the news feed for the most part which also starts to eat up your time. But yeah, i'm with ya on all the selfies! Particularly the younger folks who are always trying to look like supermodels or underwear models. i sometimes wonder if the parents of the teenagers realize what pics their kid has on Facebook.

    I dispute the notion, though, that YOU aren't interested in the poops emanating from a burrito binge :)

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  35. HI,
    Fantastic Post..superb..thanks for sharing..truely
    Regards
    Bhavikk shah

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  36. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Glad to bring a smile to your day, Glenda. Great seeing you here!

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    2. I was a bit caught up in my joking mode in my previous comment! So I deleted it lol That means your post was great thanks for the laughs! ;)

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    3. You didn't have to do that--I thought it was funny Lol!

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  37. I'm with you on the photo tagging. In fact, I'd like to add that a good friend also won't even POST a pic of you looking like a dork. I've been able to break away from the FB addiction, only out of the fear that I may lose my job if I don't pay more attention to it! It's all in what motivates you :)

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    1. Oh wow--you did the right thing then if it was interfering with work!

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  38. Hi! I used to be a facebook addict too, but I just play games and recent is Candy Crush. But I'm now reformed and went rehab, hahaha!!! I'm more busy doing some face lifting on my blog which was totally left out for a few months because I got sick ( and Candy Crush was a part of my therapy, lol..seriously, I forgot all about the pain). Thanks for sharing this :)

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    1. In this case I think Candy Crush was a GOOD addiction for you if it helped you recover!

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  39. Pretty sure I will never get the image of a tri colored bean pinata out of my head again. LOL!
    I apologize for the absence of your blog but in the midst of this move my life is HELL! I'm glad I took a few minutes to do some commenting because I would have hated to miss this post.

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    Raising-Reagan.com

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    1. Awwww you are so sweet. Thank you! I love seeing you here!

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  40. Brilliant blog, great posts and beautiful proprietress! What to want more ...
    I'd love to follow you (bloglovin + GTC) and welcome to visit my
    blog about fashion - KatherineUnique.blogspot.com .


    Regards,
    Katherine Unique


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  41. I am so addicted to Facebook now. I have a personal site and also a blog site. I am on it with another window all day long at work. It's crazy! I have to check in to see what others are doing and saying. The internet has made us all addicts!

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    1. I feel your pain! I log out of Facebook, do a few things, then an hour later I'm back on there just to see what everyone is doing!! I waste so much time in a day writing and reading status updates!

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  42. Man facebook is so addicting, i try and watch how much time I spend on there but some days are worse than others. There are so many different ways to get addicted to it and you have listed all of them lol.

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    1. I seriously need to join a Facebook rehab!

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