Menopausal Mother

     I love social media. It keeps me connected to family and friends who live near and far. It's fun catching up with everyone by reading their status updates and checking out their latest Instagram photos. My husband doesn't understand this. He had a Twitter account for all of sixty seconds before deleting it, because he thought reading about what others were eating for lunch or watching on TV was a waste of time. He's probably right about that, but Facebook is the sweet seductress who summons me at all hours of the day and night just to take a "quick peek" at the world I socialize in. Instagram is cool if I want a quick social fix though photo montages that my friends post, or Snapchat, which is FUN----but how many times can you watch someone with a photoshopped deer's nose and ears talking to you in a distorted, high pitched voice?

     As much as I love the diversity of friends that I have on social media, there are still certain types of people on the various platforms I use that annoy the heck out of me. But let's be real----I'm guilty of more than just a few of these stereotypes.......



THE SELFIE QUEENS (And Kings): Usually it's the women I see posting selfies on social media, but there are also quite a few fellows who post photos of their six-pack abs after a grueling workout at the gym. Naturally, these don't bother me so much---I rather admire them. It's kind of like flipping through the annual firefighter's calendar. But the women......geez, enough with the duck face selfies, ladies. Your normal smile is beautiful---you don't need to pucker up your lips in an attempt to like Angelina Joule or Lisa Rinna....or a mallard.

VAGUEBOOKERS: These people on Facebook drive me nuts. Stop posting things like, "Well, I didn't see THAT coming", or, "Wow, I am so over my husband after what he just did."
     Oh please, do tell. We're sitting over here on pins and needles, just watching your train wreck
unfold.

THE FOODIE: You know the type----they make sure their dinner plate presentation is five-star quality before posting a pic of it on Instagram or Facebook **Raises hand** (okay, I AM GUILTY of this one). The same goes for alcoholic beverages. Hey, I'll even add a spear of fresh fruit and a paper umbrella to my drinks just to show off my flair for mixology (and to make you really, really thirsty).

THE TV EPISODE SPOILERS:  I guess these social media peeps are unaware of time zone differences. Wars have been fought and friendships lost over people posting season finale results from The Bachelor, This Is Us, or Game Of Thrones, before the rest of the population has seen the final episode.

THE PHOTO TAGGERS: I cannot stress this enough----DO NOT TAG ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA IN ANY PHOTOS WHERE I LOOK LIKE A TROLL. This crap always happens to me when I'm most vulnerable---like when I'm taking a three-hour power nap on a Sunday afternoon, or when I'm in the woods and have no WiFi access (ok, I'm not in the woods very often, so let's just say it happens when I'm stuck at the hardware store with Hubs and there's no internet connection whatsoever). If you are a decent friend, you will never tag me in a photo where my muffin top is bursting out in all of its glory.....or when I'm having a bad hair day and my tresses look like a used Brillo pad.

DRUNK FACEBOOKERS: Rule No.#1....never, EVER, engage with people late at night on social media when you've had one too many libations. You'll either be ranting about the injustices in the world or writing about how you want to start a GoFundMe page for endangered whales. Drunk Facebookers are also known for sending flirtatious, private messages at 3:00 am in an attempt to amp up a friendship with the object of their desire---married or not. Is this the internet equivalent to pickup lines in a bar?

THE WHINERS: These negative people (also known as "Attention Whores") have nothing better to do with their time than complain about everything and anything. They use social media as their personal diary. They're overworked, underpaid; their kids/spouse/in-laws are all a-holes, and no one appreciates them. They want your sympathy and an abundance of "likes" on their status updates to see who's listening and who actually gives a crap. Even the family dog isn't safe from their out of control ranting.

INSTAGRAM JUNKIES: These photographer-wannabes post pictures of everything from their cat cleaning its hind quarters to glorious sunsets outside their kitchen window (forgetting that everyone also sees the pile of dirty dishes sitting in the sink). I have nothing against a good photo, but for the love of all that is holy, stop posting multiple photos of your kid's DIY dorm room makeover on Instagram, or 15 different shots of the key lime pie you consumed after dinner. This stuff clogs my feed when I'm scrolling through to find what I really want----important stuff, like squirrel GIFs.


THE LOVEBIRDS: Hey, we get that you're in love with your spouse/significant other, but how many times must we be subjected to photos of you and your main squeeze lip-locked in the kitchen, the car, over a plate of steaming oysters at a trendy seafood restaurant, or in a crowded aisle at The Dollar Tree?

SOAPBOX JUNKIES: These people protest just about everything imaginable, from politics, to religious beliefs, to corporate greed, or even the price increase on a stack of pancakes at IHOP. They share their rants on social media in an attempt to sway their friends to their way of thinking, but this often backfires, leaving in its wake a trail of people who have swiftly "unfriended" you. I have to admit though, if you tell me you don't like chocolate chip pancakes, I might have to unfriend you, too.

PROUD PARENTS: I get that you're proud of your little munchkins. I'm proud of my munchkins, too, even though they're all grown up now. Perhaps if the internet had been around when my kids were born, I too, would be sharing a gazillion photos of their first smile, first bath, and the ever popular birthday-cake-smudged-face. Save all these adorable pics for the grandparents. I just want to see photos of your dog.

THE OVERZEALOUS SHARER: You know who these people are. They post stuff like, "If you believe in God, copy and paste this status on your Facebook wall"; "If you're a true friend, share this photo of a rose on Facebook, and then share it with ten more people, including me."
     You want roses? I hear they sell them by the dozen real cheap at Costco.

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTERS: "Wanna buy my life-changing book? Would you like to attend a party where I'll be doing demonstrations on a miracle face cream that will erase all those stress lines you acquired after having four kids? How about decorative stickers for your nails, or bath bombs that contain faux gems? Better yet, check out my new line of natural jewelry made out of wheat grass and hemp."
     No, people, I do not want to buy anything from you, unless, of course, you're selling adorable pug puppies. However, I DO have this book about someone stealing my spandex that I'm SURE will make you laugh.... **SHAMELESSLY INSERTS AMAZON LINK HERE**

     See? I told you I'm one of the most annoying people on the internet.....


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Read my new article featured on Her View From Home: "When The Amber Alert Is For Your Son"

 
     I have two adult daughters who are the light of my life, but I have to admit---their teen years were not the brightest. I could have done without the arguments over the boys they dated, the clothes they wore or the fact that they mastered crawling out of a bedroom window late at night without disturbing the dogs.

     Any parent who makes it through their child's teen years unscathed deserves a metal of honor. Perhaps more so if they've been able to successfully raise daughters.

     There are certain things that no parent should EVER have to say to their little darlings once they've transitioned from the tea party, dress-up stage to Cyndi Lauper's girls-just-wanna-have-fun stage. Although the parent may feel they have a handle on raising their teen girl, it's inevitable that one or all of the following lines will be uttered from their lips at one time or another:

*Drop that hem about four more inches before you leave the house.

*You want to put a tattoo where?

*I know you consider twerking a skill, but that still doesn't mean you should dance like that in public.

*You'll need to buy another cell phone just to store all your bathroom selfies.

*Of course you won't gain five pounds from eating three Milk Duds at the movie theatre.

*No, I'm not leaving work just to bring you a tampon at school.

*You could save a lot of money by actually washing your clothes instead of buying new ones to avoid doing laundry.

*There's a great deal on Amazon right now for chastity belts.

*No, you're not allowed to get your belly button, nose or nipples pierced.

*You're not going to experience life on the back of a motorcycle until you're over twenty-one.

*Yes, there really is such a thing as too much eye liner.


*I don't care how cute he is---if his I.Q. matches his shoe size, you can't date him.

*No, you won't be scarred for life by scraping old food off the dishes before you load them into the dishwasher.

*If the clock strikes twelve and you're not home, your car won't turn into a pumpkin but your social life will turn into the black hole while you're grounded.

*No, you're not allowed to use your college loan money for a Brazilian butt lift.



     I'm proud to say that I survived raising two teen girls----despite a few tattoos and piercings along the way. Thank God for BOGO sales on chastity belts!

   


Want more Meno Mama? This week, my article, "The Invisible Generation," is up on The Huffington Post.  You can read it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/the-invisible-generation_b_6938344.html

 
 "Hello, my name is Marcia and I'm a facebookaholic." Yes, I'm coming clean about my addiction. Not a day goes by that I don't crave a fix in the form of a status update, a handful of "likes"or stalking the pages of my friends. If I go too many hours without a connection, I get fidgety and cranky. My palms sweat if I'm unable to answer my phone when it jangles with a notification from someone commenting on my status. I have nightmares of being lost in a jungle with no WiFi, and I've been known to scream at my internet provider during a hurricane if I'm unable to access my online connections.

     My addiction has disrupted my family life and affected my health. I now suffer from NBS (Numb Butt Syndrome), a direct result of sitting in a chair for hours while trolling through Facebook. Cooking and cleaning have taken a backset to my obsession. My poor family has been forced to survive on frozen dinners that have been sitting in the back of my freezer since 2005. I'm farming dust bunnies under all the beds and my cobweb festooned house closely resembles
Miss Havisham's home in Dickens' Great Expectations. My family finally reached a breaking point and staged an intervention after I whipped out my cell phone in the emergency room to check on stats while the doctor stitched up my injured hand.  They sent me to rehab for my addiction and presented me with a "Just Say No To Facebook" t-shirt after I completed the five step program.

     Sadly, it was all in vain. I could NEVER give up Facebook. It's my lifeline to a community of friends.  I'm not prepared to sacrifice my voyeuristic peek into the world that Facebook offers. I know what my friends eat, where they go for fun, what their kids are up to, how often their dog poops and where they shop for rash ointment.
     The only problem with Facebook is that it has very few guidelines for users to adhere to. You can get away with just about anything you post on your wall. During the election, the political bashing was unconscionable, but I muddled through it in order to read posts from others like me who steered clear of using the site as a political platform for sharing opinions.
     Facebook should design a manual that advises against the following:

GAME REQUESTS:  There are plenty of addicting games out there that border on being cultish. I avoid them like the plague. The amount of time I spend on the internet is long enough without needing to mainline Candy Crush or ask someone to buy me a pig for my virtual farm.

SELFIES:  I enjoy looking at profile pictures, but after awhile the selfies all start looking the same. They're usually taken at a high angle so that the person in the picture looks like they've had a face lift or Botox injections. Okay, so I'm guilty of selfies like this....but so is most of the female population over the age of forty.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION:  I don't need to know that the Burrito Supreme you just inhaled at Taco Hell is making you poop out a tri-colored bean piñata.

PHOTO TAGGING:  REAL friends do not tag you in unflattering pictures. It defeats the purpose of all your selfies. Nothing is worse than strolling through Lowe's to check out the sprinkler head assortment while someone is out there tagging you in a picture from last year's holiday office party. You know the one----it's that pesky photo of you when you were drunk and riding on the shoulder's of one of your coworkers....with an alligator snout on your face.

FAMILY DRAMA:  I don't want to read Act Three of your family argument over the cousin who slept with your sister's boyfriend, or the in-law who swears he didn't father your neighbor's new baby. If you want the whole world in on your drama, apply for a guest spot on The Jerry Springer Show.

HEALTH ISSUES:  It's not necessary to share the details of your uncle's testicular problems or your recent bout with a bladder infection. If you're seriously depressed, share it privately with your closest friends or seek professional help rather than cause alarm among the hundred or so people who follow your status updates. Unless you're hoping your friends send you sympathy chocolate... in that case, it just might be worth a large box of Godivas.

VACATION PICTURES:  Although I am happy for friends fortunate enough to be able to afford a little R&R, I'm also a tad bit jealous. While they're sipping wine at an outdoor cafe in the south of France, I'm vacuuming up dog hair clots and scooping Tootsie Rolls out of the cat's litter box.


     So why, if I have all of these complaints, am I still addicted to Facebook? In a nutshell: FRIENDS. We share funny jokes and memes, support one another through the tough times and celebrate our victories together. I can connect with people I haven't seen since grade school on the internet while still in pajamas and curlers in my hair. It's like one big online reunion minus the pricey reservations or stress over what makeup and clothing will shave ten years off my appearance. They have my selfies for that. In the meantime, I'll be the disheveled woman behind the computer in a bathrobe fuzzy with dog hair and toast crumbs in her lap.