Friday, July 1, 2016
How To Pass Time While Living With Writer's Block (My Life As A Sloth)
There's nothing worse than a writer with a blank brain, or a blank computer screen, for that matter. Right now, I'm suffering from both. Short of caving in to the advertisements for online courses that promise to restore my forgotten muse (or spending $100 an hour with Cleo the psychic to find out what evil spirit has inhabited my laptop and stolen my creativity), I've been living a double life as a sloth. Yes, that's right. I'm slothing all over the place---on the couch, in my car, on the living room floor.....wherever I can park my butt and do absolutely nothing. I know I need to snap out of this funk, but my inner kindergartner is screaming for a nap and a bag of Oreos.
I want to get back into the writing game--I really do--but words fail me as I sit here, fingers poised over the keyboard. The good news is that I'm learning to adjust to the sloth life. My computer screen may be blank, but I've found creative ways to stay busy (and still remain sloth-like) while waiting for inspiration to strike. And my day usually starts like this:
*Drink a cup of coffee.
*Drink another cup of coffee.
*Organize papers on desk and make a to-do list that will most likely not get done.
*Join Farmville and learn how to manage imaginary livestock.
*Pluck stray nose hairs.
*Check refrigerator for snack even though there's only healthy crap in there (rubbery carrot sticks and bruised apples are NOT food for the muse).
*Experiment with different ring tones on my cell.
*Search desk drawer for hidden Easter candy that may or may not have been eaten five months ago.
*Trim toenails and make smiley faces out of the clippings.
*Check refrigerator again in the hopes that fresh pastries from the bakery have magically appeared.
*Frown at bag of rubbery carrots. Feed a few to the dog.
*Play tug of war with the dog.
*Check online farm to cultivate imaginary corn crops.
*Pick lint out of belly button. Contemplate knitting it into sweater for pet hamster.
*Scroll through old photos on cell phone and think about the good ol' days when there was plenty of inspiration for writing.
*Eat remaining rubbery carrots.
*Attempt a two-minute plank on living room carpet. Wake up one hour later.
*Take selfie next to blank computer screen.
*Pick two-week-old blue polish off fingernails.
* Investigate strange sounds in the kitchen. Clean up dog's carrot barf.
*Make three-story house and detached garage out of Post-it Notes.
*Close laptop for the day and dig through pantry for something to eat other than a potato and a can of tuna.
*Yell at television when Game Of Thrones ends.
*Set alarm and pull bed covers up over head.
*Tell self not to give up on writing career. Remember that tomorrow is new day for a fresh start.
And for fresh pastries in the fridge.