I'll admit, this prompt was a tough one for me. Writing this was like pulling teeth from a piranha. It was IMPOSSIBLE for me to select just 5 of my favorite bloggers----I have more like 40, so I couldn't possibly name them all here. Instead, I have given out fictitious names for some fun ladies I know (yes, names have been changed to protect the innocent) and I would love nothing more than to meet these gals one day!
This story is a hybrid between the movie Hangover and Laura Numeroff's children's book, "If You Give A Moose A Muffin" (but an adult version. Kids, leave the room). This is what I imagine MIGHT happen if I met my blogger friends face to face, and how we would spend an evening together. Contrary to belief, I was NOT drinking margaritas when I wrote this post!
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, six female bloggers met for the first time at a swanky resort in South Beach. They spent a wild, raucous night on the town...most of which became a blur...until they woke the following morning to a most disturbing sight:
The 1st woman had a tattoo of a large-horned rhino on her chest with the inscription, "I'm A Horny Beast!" She was also surprised to find multiple piercings in unmentionable places. Ouch!
The 2nd woman woke with a shaved head. There was a small patch of stubble left in back with the words, "Blogger Bitch" neatly shaved across her scalp.
The 3rd woman had two, black eyes and a thick bandage across her nose. An ostrich was pecking at her chocolate-covered feet.
The 4th woman woke with her legs wound tightly around an anatomically correct Johnny Depp blowup doll.
The 5th woman squirmed awake in a tight, hotdog costume with the words, "Life Is Good Between Your Buns" stitched across the backside.
Last but not least, the 6th woman woke up next to a Lizard Man. Yes, as in reptile. With big muscles.
Across the room, a pizza delivery man snored loudly on the floor. He was shirtless, with a pink tutu around his waist and a motorcycle helmet over his head. Beside him was a 6 foot, chocolate Easter bunny with both ears missing.
***Again, I was NOT drinking margaritas when I wrote this post. But the blogger ladies in this story were. ***
*** *** ***
If you give a group of female bloggers too many margaritas, one will be reminded of an ex-boyfriend's sexy tattoo. She'll lead the others to a tattoo and piercing parlor, and convince her friend Lucy to get a tattoo.
After getting a rhinoceros tattoo, Lucy will remember how much she loved the zoo when she was young. She'll hail a taxi with her friends and head to the Wild Kingdom Exhibit. Once inside, Lucy takes a swig of tequila from her flask and lassos an ostrich. Ride 'em, Cowgirl!
After hijacking a zoo truck painted in camo and loading it with a few of their favorite, exotic animals, Kitty looks at the gorilla and is reminded that she needs a haircut. The six women stop at a 24 hour hair salon called, " Bruno The Barbarian: You brave it, we shave it!" Kitty is so proud of her recent blog award that she has Bruno The Barbarian shave off most of her hair, except for some stubble in back with the words, "Blogger Bitch" emblazoned on her scalp. Mitsy stares at this sight in wonder and is reminded of the freak show at the carnival. Luckily for the women, the Barnum And Bimbo carnival is still in town. It is only moments after they arrive that Mitsy becomes enthralled with the Lizard Man's forked tongue and invites him back to the hotel room for a cocktail. What woman wouldn't want a man with a long, double-edged tongue?
Rayna reminds the ladies that they haven't stopped at her favorite attraction at the carnival---The Fun House Of Mirrors. Rayna has already polished off the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle and hallucinates that she is Alice chasing the rabbit down the rabbit hole. She sees the reflection of a giant, chocolate bunny and runs head first into a mirror, breaking her nose. The worm has convinced her that she feels no pain. But the thought of a chocolate bunny gives Rayna a sweet tooth. The girls stop at the corner candy store where a 6 foot, Chocolate Easter bunny is on display in the front window. The women charm the store clerk into selling them the decadent, chocolate rabbit and load it into the camo truck that Lizard Man is now driving.
As the bloggers head back to the hotel, Suzy sees a hotdog vendor on the side of the road and is reminded that she hasn't eaten all day (unless the lime in the margarita glass counts). The vendor is wearing a full hotdog costume, which Suzy adores and begs him to sell to her in exchange for her Pandora bracelet.
Once the women arrive back at the penthouse suite, their stomachs remind them that they need more than a hotdog and a 6 foot chocolate bunny to soak up all the alcohol they've had. They order a pizza and are delighted to discover that the Swedish delivery man looks a lot like Bradley Cooper. They drag him into the room and outfit him in a pink tutu and a red motorcycle helmet to make their own version of a Harlem Shake video. After two more rounds of tequila shots, no one else is left standing.
The moral of this story (take your pick)?
A.) Don't give bloggers booze
B.) This is how Meno Mama likes to party
C.) Don't eat the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle or you'll end up with:
a lizard in your bed
"Blogger Bitch" on your head
and a Swede named Sved.
You can check out the 15 bloggers participating in today's swap here:
