Menopausal Mother

     I've been in a menopausal state of mind for eight years now, and my brain could really use a break. The endless mind chatter keeps me awake most nights and disrupts my thoughts like an attention-seeking toddler when I'm trying to get things accomplished during the day.

     In a menopausal way of thinking, the little things become the big things, and not in a good way. My husband and kids think I've lost my mind because of the ridiculous arguments we've gotten into. I have always had an A-type personality, but these Jekyll and Hyde mood swings need to stop for the sake of my own (and my family's) sanity. Thankfully, I have a husband and some pretty awesome kids who totally get it, so they give me a wide berth when they see the steam coming out of my ears

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     If you were to crawl inside my head on any given day, these are the things my menopausal brain would say to you:

"I'm going to be really good today on my diet. I'll eat an egg white omelet, a small salad for lunch, then salmon for.....OH LOOK! A DONUT!"

"Geez, it's so effing hot in this house. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COULD SOMEONE PLEASE TURN DOWN THE THERMOSTAT??"

"Oh man, my bed looks so comfy....and I'm so tired. What would it hurt to take a little nap?"
**Wakes three hours later wondering what century she is in**

"I love you, but if you leave another strand of your used floss on the bookshelf, I swear I will strangle you with it in your sleep."

"It's 4:00a.m. Why am I still awake, wondering how people potty train rabbits?"

"Today was awful. I hate everyone and everything. Wait, you have chocolate? OMG I'm so happy! What a great day!"

"Where did I leave my damn car keys? Oh, here they are.....okay, which one of you numbskulls put my keys in the shower?  Huh? It was me? No way, I didn't do that. I couldn't have.....could I?"

"Sweetheart, you're my little shnookums and I love you so much....wait. Stop! ARE YOU KIDDING? DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW?"

"A BOGO sale on fiber pills? Hell yeah, I'm gonna stock up. One can never own too many fiber pills."

" I didn't forget to pick up the dog food. It's your fault because you forgot to remind me."

"It's raining and now our plans are ruined and my life sucks so I'm going back to bed and don't even think about talking to me right now."

"Let's order pizza tonight. No, wait---I think I want Chinese food instead....but tacos also sound really good. Actually, I could go for a juicy steak. Or maybe a burger. Or chicken wings---yes, that's what I want! Can I get a slice of pizza on the side with that?"

"Just pour the wine and don't ask any questions."

"Who used the last roll of toilet paper without replacing it? I will hunt you down and kill you."

"It's freezing cold in this restaurant. Honey, can I borrow your jacket?"
<<five minutes later>> "Waiter, can you please turn up the fans? It's ridiculously hot in here."

"Why am I always so bloated? My belly is huge! I look like I'm pregnant.....with a baby elephant."

"Yes, I know I've put on some weight recently. No, it has nothing to do with my eating habits. It's not my dumpling cravings either, I swear. It's just menopause."

    ISN'T IT ALWAYS JUST THE MENOPAUSE????

      There are certain do's and don'ts to aging, but some people are clueless when it comes to acting appropriately for their age. I'm not suggesting that you should throw in the towel after fifty and let yourself age like a hag. I'm just giving you some pointers on what you can and cannot get away with once you're considered over the hill. If you want to dye your hair chartreuse and tattoo your cat's name on your shoulder, that's up to you. Otherwise, here's some simple advice to follow whenever you forget that your name is already on the AARP mailing list.


1.)  Thou shalt wear clothing styles that flatter thy age. This means you should steer clear of the clothing you wore when you were twenty-something and thirty pounds lighter. Ladies, just because you rocked that mini skirt back in 1970 doesn't mean you have the legs to pull it off at age fifty. If the backs of your thighs look like the surface of a golf ball, ditch the short skirt and find a sexy one that sits just above the knees. Men, hopefully you're not trying to squeeze into the red speedos your wore at the beach during spring break forty years ago. You are not competing on the Olympic swim team and no one wants to see your shrunken roly poly trapped in wet nylon.

2.) Thou shalt carry dental floss with thee at all times.  As you get older, your gums recede and leave perfect little pockets around the teeth for food storage. Unless you plan on eating those trapped  morsels later in the day, or if you enjoy digging spinach out of your teeth in a restaurant, keep a roll of floss handy for food trap emergencies. Your mouth should not be a storage bin for leftovers.

3.) Thou shalt not drink more than one libation a day. Your memory cells are already down to single digits from aging. Why kill off the precious few you have left with shots of tequila?

4.) Thou shalt moisturize thy skin on a regular basis.  Things begin happening to the collagen in your skin as you age. Bad things. Unless you want your face to droop like the man in Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream", start applying creams as heavy as wall spackle to your skin to avoid a massive collagen meltdown.

5.) Thou shalt eat an entire bag of carrots a day. By the time you hit your fifties, your eye site will be no better than a mole's. Carrots have vitamin A in them, which is good for your eyes. Seriously, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

6.) Thou shalt not pass gas in public places.  Old people and farts are synonymous. Don't be like old people. Practice your sphincter Kegels daily to avoid mishaps on a crowded elevator or in the line at the grocery store when there's a sale on Metamucil.

7.) Thou shalt take no less than 20 supplements a day to stay healthy.  By the time your youngest child is in college, you should own a large pill box with compartments that are clearly marked with the days of the week. You should also be on a first name basis with your pharmacist.

8.) Thou shalt not gain 10 pounds a year after the age of 50.  Hide the butter, hide the cream. Eat too much, you'll bust a seam.

9.)  Thou shalt maintain a healthy, intimate relationship with thy partner.  Keep in mind that you're not a frisky twenty-one year old any more. If you think being adventurous in the bedroom means trying out the Kama Sutra "Splitting Bamboo" position, think again. You just might pull a hamstring and end up in a leg brace.

10.) Thou shalt maintain thy sense of humor.  That old saying that "laughter is the best medicine" is true. Everyone needs to find their happy place in order to smile. If that means finding it in the bottom of a jar of Nutella or watching your spouse wrangle out of a chair that the grandkids have duct taped him to while babysitting, then so be it.

      See? Getting older isn't so bad. You can get away with things like forgetting to shave your legs or eating dessert before dinner. And if you're really lucky, no one will notice that glob of spinach between your teeth.



****EXCITING NEWS FLASH**** Meno Mama was just accepted this week into the Washington Post Talent Work for writers!!! Stay tuned for my first article......whoo-hoo!!


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I am up on Humor Outcasts with my post, "Eight Types Of People Who Annoy Me." You can read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2016/eight-types-of-people-who-annoy-me/