Menopausal Mother

      Whenever our funds get low, my husband suggests I look for part-time work to supplement my measly writer's income. The problem is that my skills are sorely lacking when it comes to career opportunities. I can cook, clean, and herd toddlers to the dinner table, but that's about it. In a land far, far away known as MY YOUTH, I worked all sorts of jobs----dental assistant, secretary, waitress, telephone operator, babysitter, cleaning woman, Avon sales representative.....and none of them thrilled me. I'd be hard pressed to find something at my age that I think I'd be good at (and actually enjoy doing). I'm a writer, and that's all I've ever wanted to be. But if I need to find additional employment, it'll have to be something unique.....something that I can do with confidence and pride in my work. Here are 20 weird jobs I'd be happy to try:

*Test pilot at a witch's broom factory

*Goose down feather pillow inspector

*Teacher at the School Of Hard Knocks

*Food critic for every five star restaurant in the U.S.

*Senior Beer Sampler at a brewery

*Golf ball dimple examiner

*Pogo stick tester

*Creative Director at the School of Mixology

*Ninja leaf blower

*Bounce inspector at a trampoline factory

*Panda bear babysitter at the zoo

*Yard gnome height verifier

*Underwater landscaper at Sea World

*Taste tester at the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory.

*Cork sniffer at a winery


*Elastic snapper at a rubber band factory

*Drone sniper at an airport

*Bubble counter at a champagne bottling company

*Conch shell tuner

*Wrinkle straightener at a farm for Shar-Peis

     I'd be thrilled to do any one of these jobs. It certainly beats cleaning lint out of dryers at the local laundromat, or buffing caskets at a funeral home. I wouldn't mind trying my hand at being a fire starter at a smoke signal school, or being an artist at a tattoo parlor. How cool would it be to put my artwork permanently on someone's butt cheek? I hope they like stick figures, because that's pretty much all that I can draw.

     See? I told you my skills are limited. Looks like I'll have to stick with being a writer, after all.


***Want more Meno Mama? I'm thrilled to have my first featured post on RawrWords this week! Check out my post, "A Letter To My Younger Self." You can read it here: http://rawrwords.com/2016/02/24/a-letter-to-my-younger-self/

     Why didn't someone warn me that once I hit the middle age years, my skin would lose its elasticity faster than a stretched-out rubber band? Wrinkles, I understand…but sagging? I didn't see that one coming.

     Despite the hours I spend at the gym to tone and firm what God gave me, the skin on my body still looks like an accordion. I'm pretty sure that if every crease was stretched out flat, I'd have enough skin to cover two people. There's even excess flesh on my back . If I could pull it up over my head, I'd have a skin hoodie for all those cold winter nights.

     I had to stop wearing tank tops years ago too, and not because my boobs look like they belong on a reality TV show called, "Gourds Gone South."  I chucked all my sleeveless shirts because they revealed the extra skin flaps under my arms, and I didn't want to be mistaken for a flying squirrel.

     The same goes for slinky dresses and tight jeans.  No amount of sit-ups or stomach crunches can erase the effects of birthing four children by c-section coupled with years of yo-yo dieting.  I doubt that I'll ever regain enough muscle tone in my waistline to wear a bathing suit in public again. I'm cursed with a deflated inner tube that's stuck around my middle like a droopy doughnut (minus the chocolate sprinkles). Sadly, the only part of my body that hasn't lost muscle tone is my uterus. That particular organ is about as tough as overcooked calamari.

    I need to combat these sagging parts one area at a time. Lately I've been Googling Brazilian butt lifts because I think a little booty enhancement would do wonders for my bottom, which is heading south at an alarming rate. If my fanny drops any lower, I'll be dusting the floors with it….and I'll be the first person to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records as a Human Swifter Butt.

     Spanx was invented for this very reason----to give the false impression that both my tummy and derriere are firm. Unfortunately, the tight fabric just pushes things further south until my thighs are rubbing together like mating seals. At this point in my life, I consider it pure luck that I haven't received a free, lifetime membership to Sea World.

     I've also noticed that my earlobes are beginning to hang a bit lower. It won't be long before all my dangly earrings are resting on my shoulder blades. But on the bright side, if my earlobes continue to droop, they can serve as wind flaps while I'm driving down the road. At least the grand kids won't have to worry about grandma running any red lights.

     The good news about my sagging skin? By the time I'm a senior citizen, I'll be able to tug on the drawstring of my skin hoodie to look twenty years younger.

      Or maybe just swim year 'round in the warm pools at Sea World.



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