Friday, May 16, 2014

How To Keep A Husband Happy

With Father's day just weeks away, I found myself wondering what to do for my husband on his special day. An early Oktoberfest in the backyard? A competitive spot next to Adam Richman on Man vs Food at an all-you-can-eat-ribs diner? Probably not a good idea since our toilet is temperamental.

When I was finally able to grab my husband's attention from the NBA playoffs for a nanosecond, I asked him what it would take to make him happy on Father's Day----other than the obvious. I'm talking BEER, people! Get your minds out of the gutter.

After out little chat during the five minute commercial break, I came to the conclusion that my husband's needs go far beyond a single day of recognition. He deserves to be happy all year 'round and to feel appreciated on a daily basis.

Actions speak louder than words, so I've come up with a wish list of things I think wives should do that would make most husbands happy:

* Let him eat all the burgers, pizza and chicken wings he wants. Just remind him you've already set up his doctor's appointment for a new heart stent.

* Give him the badabing manual on "How To Help Your partner Reach The Big O in 2 Minutes Or Less When The Playoffs Are On."

* Install a mini fridge full of beer next to his La-Z-Boy recliner. Add a portable catheter so he never has to get out of his chair.

* Let him take a nap for an hour every day. Longer if he's hooked up to the catheter.

* Convince him he needs a night out with his buddies Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble at the Water Buffalo Lodge. This is especially important if your husband is the Grand Poo Ba of the man cave.

* Tell him not to strain and push so hard at the gym. Working toward a six pack just to be a trophy husband isn't worth popping out a hemorrhoid.

* Let him sit on the couch, scratch his crotch and channel surf all weekend long.

* Keep the sex life interesting, even if it requires a nightly Viagra cocktail and a wife dressed in an Oscar Mayer Wiener costume.

* Surprise him with VIP tickets to his favorite sporting event that include seats in the sky lounge, unlimited steak, beer and an adult diaper changing station.

* Give him an HD television the size of a movie theatre screen. The picture should be clear enough that he can tell whether or not the ball players have been circumcised.

* Let him spend a weekend at a testosterone infused camp where men are men and sheep are nervous. Hopefully he won't have a b-a-a-a-a-d experience.

* Buy him a large gift certificate to a hardware store. This allows him all the time necessary to roam the aisles for stupid trinkets. Don't be surprised if he comes home with a paint sprayer that doubles as a margarita dispenser or a yard hose with a special, suction extension attached for those lonely nights in the garden.

* Tell him it's perfectly acceptable to show off his talent of burping the alphabet for your guests. Farting the alphabet, not so much.

If none of these suggestions work to keep your husband happy, I have a Plan B. Send him off to a one room cabin in the woods for a year where he can grow a long beard and commune with the tree frogs.

Just don't forget to pack the suction hose.

***I was thrilled to take part in a podcast on Friday 5/16 hosted by Wendy Hernandez of Family Law Insider. We talked about "mating, marriage and making it all work." You can watch the interview here: https://plus.google.com/events/c16ceku58ng29v805mp5icva3fo If you're unable to see it on Google Plus you can see it anytime on YouTube Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBFNhv_yRf4

***Want more Meno Mother? This week my feature on Humor Outcasts was about The 7 Deadly Sins Of Menopause, which you can read here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/the-7-deadly-sins-of-menopause/

****I wasn't aware that a few weeks ago I was also featured on Better After Fifty, where I'm discussing the humorous symptoms of menopausal men. You can catch that post here: http://betterafter50.com/2014/04/my-husband-totally-gets-the-menopause-thing/

****Last but not least, I was also featured this week on Midlife Boulevard talking about my first period. Don't say. "EWWWWW!" This is FUNNY, people! Check it out here: http://midlifeboulevard.com/her-first-period

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Wacky Wednesday Writers Guest Post By: Comfytown Chronicles

I'm thrilled to introduce you to my new Wacky Wednesday Writers guest today! Please welcome Joy Christi of Comfytown Chronicles to my blog site! I've always enjoyed reading Joy's blog but didn't get to know her until we started chatting in a private Facebook group for writers. It has been such a pleasure interacting with the woman behind the hilarious blog!

Joy describes herself as a "mostly foul-mouthed, immature hooligan and sometimes a sweet mother of 3 doing my best." When you visit her blog, you'll be treated to some of her reader's favorite posts about 80's prom pictures, Hogwarts Hotties and weird halloween costumes. She often includes funny memes and photos with her posts, which always bring a smile to my face. Her guest post today has me in stitches because I have grown children of my own and can relate to EVERYTHING she has written here.

Kick back and relax, folks. This is a funny one! Please welcome Joy to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love. Thanks!

MOTIVATING YOUNG ADULTS

If getting ADHD/ODD (or any) teens through high school is a battle, trying to guide these young adults into adulthood is World War Can’t. Mission: NotPossible. I wish I could offer advice on these special not-quite-adults, but just like children, adults and Anal Polyps, each is different.

I’m no expert on your young adult. If I wrote a blog on the subject you could find it at www.iCan’t@Even.com, however I have learned a few things about mine, mostly the hard way. My one piece of advice to survive this stage with any hair left on your head, is to focus all of your energy on making them financially and completely self-dependent. As soon as possible. Then when you can’t take anymore, fast forward their independence.

Meaning: Kick their hams out the door.

The mere threat of being on their own is enough motivation for some young adults to start them on a path. Mine has always pushed to the limit, and then a little farther. Once you feel they're able to provide for themselves, stop making their lives at all comfortable. They may not ever launch into their own orbit if their life in your home is easy and enjoyable.

Here are some tips on that kind motivation, in no particular order.

Stop buying their favorite food, and all edible snacks.

They can get a(nother) job and buy their own snacks. If you want snacks your own in the house, hide them well. NOT anywhere in the kitchen, they’re smarter than that, and how many hollowed-out bags of broccoli can you realistically have in your freezer before tipping your hand?

(Answer: About 4.)

In fact, this is the perfect time to:

Dramatically announce your family is going vegan/paleo/all organic.

Nothing makes my son more angry than “Meatless Monday.”

Think of them as a roommate, start treating them like one. Start thinking and acting like the worst roommate you can imagine. They should probably get used to it.

Make them install something similar to the Homeslice app on their phone. Homeslice is basically an electronic whiteboard for divvying up chores, groceries, bills, etc. You want to make SURE you can annoy them when they’re not home.

Why should leaving the house for small amounts of time mean the annoyance should stop? YOU are still annoyed by their actions when they’re not there, right? Send that youngin reminder texts, full of slang, dawg! Youngins love texts. And adults using their slang, yo.

What else do bad roommates do?

If you see they bought or brought home leftover food, be sure to eat it, even if they marked it as theirs. What? That’s what bad roommates do. Trust me on this.

When you see their laundry in the washer/dryer, leave it in a crumpled ball on the floor.

No more thinking that if you teach them how to be considerate, they will follow suit. After years of failed negoatiating (yelling) mine only learns the hard way.

At least he will now leave our clothes on TOP of the dryer, though he still won’t fold it or even place it nicely. Back at ya, Bro.

If they leave their dirty dishes all over, take all of the clean ones from the cabinets and hide them.

2014 05 Guest Post MenoMama Motivate Teens 2.jpg

They open the drawer to find NO forks, spoons or knives anywhere to be found, just a note telling them to go get their dirty ones and wash them.

2014 05 Guest Post MenoMama Motivate Teens.jpg

This did eventually work to some extent with my son, but we were REALLY tired of hunting for flatware when we needed it. I needed to carry a survival backpack of supplies.

Speaking of hiding, move their jackets, shoes, any clutter they leave lying around, and hide them. Either tell them you’ve donated them, or actually donate them. There are in fact, many people in our country who would love and take care of those expensive sneakers, so why shouldn’t they have them?

“Oh you needed those shoes? Here’s a Kohl’s coupon and some bus fare, they close at 9:00. This will never happen when you live by yourself, just sayin’.”

Leave the toilet paper roll empty.

Tell them they have to buy their own. They can buy it from you, but cash in advance. No credit! This is another item for your backpack of survival essentials. It’s also a perfect place for your hidden snacks.

Hit them where it hurts. If they don’t like it, they will be more motivated to work and save for their own place.

What works for some, may not work for others. Some don’t like their privacy “invaded” so when they’re out, go in their space and move things around. They’ll think you were snooping, this drives them crazy.

My son wasn’t too bothered by most of this, so I had to step up my game. Hiding plates and flatware didn’t bother him, he just eats with his hands. But telling him I used his razor to shave my personal parts? I could tell that was a Home Run. He is also grossed out by my under garments hanging to dry in the bathroom. Make sure to leave it there right before their shower time.

Pro-tip: Don’t forget to take that down when your in-laws come over.

If this doesn’t work, you’re going to have to play dirty. Or, at least tell them that’s what you did on their bed. If they don’t believe you, consider a sending them a selfie of you in their room, but remember these pictures could (and mostly likely will) end up in front of their friends’ eyeballs.

If that doesn’t bother your young adult, not much will.

You’ll know what is best (worst) for your child, dig deep. Don’t be afraid to leave emotional scars. Our parents weren’t afraid of that, were they? Keep your eyes on the prize, soon they’ll be out and on their own. As my mother said of almost all my siblings at this age, “You did your part, they’re society’s problem now.”

_________________________________

Joy Christ writes Comfytown Chronicles, which is sometimes a blog about a mother of 3 just doing her best, but mostly is about silly humor, cussing, day-drinking, binge eating and other things she won’t go to meetings for.

Read just how low she can go at the following places

Blog: www.ComfytownChronicles.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ComfyTownChroni

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ComfytownChronicles

Instagram: http://instagram.com/comfytownchronicles

Friday, May 9, 2014

12 Mother's Day Gift Fails

Many mothers wake up on their special day in happy anticipation of what's to come. Perhaps the kids will bring them breakfast in bed and their husbands will surprise them with a dozen roses or a box of imported chocolates. In a perfect world, their special day will echo all the sentimental Mother's Day cards sold at Hallmark.

When my children were young, I cherished their handmade cards filled with loving sentiments of appreciation. As they grew older, the gifts became more creative, especially when working on a tight budget. This included anything sold from an 800 number, such as an Elvis head Chia pet, ShamWows and Ped Eggs.

My kids know that all I need on Mother's day is their love and oodles of hugs. They also know that any of the following gift fails, no matter how nicely wrapped, will land them in the dog house. For life.

1. A cow print muumuu with matching hoof slippers and a place for Mom's udders.

2. Subscription to Old Farts Monthly magazine complete with scratch and sniff tabs.

3. Give Mom a diamond necklace, not a Life Alert necklace.

4. Don't offer a Groupon for vaginal reconstructive surgery unless your mother tells you that her lady parts resemble two stingrays swimming side by side.

5. A can of Ron Popeil's Spray On Hair for Mom's bald spots.

6. Five free Kegal sessions with Dr. Uso Tyght for bladder control.

7. Dinner at the Sir-Chews-Not diner for the Sunday Special on spam and spinach smoothies. Leave Mom's dentures at the door.

8. Your mother deserves flowers from a florist, not your handmade bouquet of ragweed and dandelions with a hint of poison ivy.

9. A gift certificate for three classes on "How To Turn Your Pool Into A Jacuzzi Through Flatulence."

10. Mothball Eau De parfum.

11. A one year supply of Dry As A Bone vaginal lube.

12. If you're giving your mum candy, make sure the label says Godiva chocolates, not the cheap knock off brand, Cadaver chocolates.

Most mothers will be happy with the usual flowers, candy and dinner routine this year. But if Mom is looking for something unique, you can always surprise her with the cow print muumuu and matching hoof slippers.

Happy "MOOO"ther's day!

****EXCITING NEWS!!!!**** Menopausal Mother just won a BlogHer Voices Of The Year 2014 award for the post, 10 Reasons Why I Love Menopause!!! This has been on my bucket list for quite some time. Now I'm ready to PAR-TAY!

*This week Menopausal Mother was featured over at the NEW In The Powder Room. This post originally appeared on the site last summer and became notorious for CRASHING the site due to the surge in page views, LOL! Curious? You can read it here: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/6-good-things-about-raising-teen-boys/

Friday, May 2, 2014

Stupid Jobs For The Unemployed

My husband was recently laid off from work when his job title was dissolved, and he has been searching for work ever since. In order to collect his unemployment benefits from the state, he has to apply for a minimum of five jobs per week. When I handed him a list of home repairs that I've waited all year for him to do, he bumped up that minimum to fifteen per week.
There are only a handful of years left before my man can retire, and at this rate, he's willing to do just about anything to contribute to his retirement fund. However, finding a suitable job at his age hasn't been easy. He's either overqualified, unqualified, or the salary is less than what the kid down the street is raking in with a lemonade stand. Despite needing a job, he really has no interest in being a Walmart greeter or a professional pooper scooper.
I found it hard to believe that with his talent and expertise he couldn't find work, until he shared with me a list of odd jobs available in our area. Some of these interesting opportunities include the following:

GOOD YEAR BLIMP PILOT: As long as my husband doesn't mention his fear of heights on the job application, he'll do just fine.

DAY CARE CAMP COUNSELOR: Chances are the Hubs would get fired after taking the kids on their first field trip to a brewery.

OSTRICH WRANGLER & CAMEL INSEMINATOR: No. Just. No.

TOMBSTONE POLISHER: This could be a fun job as long as Hubs doesn't mind wearing a necklace made of garlic or carrying around a wooden stake and a machete.

EMU LUXURY LOUNGE DANCER: Dressing up as an emu and giving lap dances to the ladies? I might be able to talk my husband into it if free beer is involved.

ASSISTANT TO A PROCTOLOGIST: The Hubs would never do this for fear of making an ass out of himself.

DEPARTMENT STORE CLERK: My A.D.D. husband gets bored very easily, and chances are he'd entertain himself by switching around the size labels on all the clothing.

SEXY YOUNG FEMALE ACTRESSES NEEDED: I'm not sure how the Hubs would feel about shaving off his goatee and slipping into a sexy negligee. The bump in his britches might ruin his chances of starring in a sequel to "Debbie Does Dallas."

JOCKSTRAP ASSEMBLER: Fuggedaboudit. My husband would be the one to rally his coworkers into a jockstrap slingshot competition in the parking lot during lunch hour.

DINER DISHWASHER: Judging by what goes on in my own kitchen, the Hubs would eat all the untouched leftovers on the plates before washing them. This would help lower our grocery bill but I'd end up spending a fortune on man maternity pants for his growing food baby belly.

I'm sure something will turn up soon and my husband will join the ranks of the employed. Until then, it's kinda nice having my Tupperware containers organized according to size and all the light bulbs sorted by wattage in the storage closet. His next big project is to build a lizard village in the backyard.
I'm looking forward to the day the Hubs retires and we hit the road in our RV to explore the great outdoors. Maybe by then he will have perfected his emu lap dances for all the retirees to enjoy at the KOA campgrounds.

****This week you'll find more Meno Mama at HumorOutcasts where my weekly feature is about my addiction to Facebook. You can read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/facebook-fossil/

ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?!? JOIN THE FUN THIS COMING SUMMER!!!

Many of you dear readers have been asking me if I would ever consider putting my nutty life in a book so that you can enjoy my wackiness 24/7. That time has come, and I hope you will spread the word, join my author site here: http://www.marciakesterdoyle.com and sign up for news of the official release here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1Sktj_KWKQgRlj4-YJWMD4eeuwROs2bGXJkdpq5B1fqI/viewform.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Wacky Wednesday Writers Guest Post By: Lisa Nolan

My WackyWednesday Writer today is Lisa Nolan from the blog of the same name: www.lisanolan.com. She describes herself as a "Supermom with a second-hand cape and an empty glass of wine." Sounds like my kind of gal! Lisa is not only an entertaining humor writer but also a social media guru when it comes to Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and Google +. She hosts numerous social media events and posts informative articles on her blog site the have been very helpful to me, especially those concerning the publishing industry. Lisa has interviewed many authors and generously promoted their books with excellent reviews that have also helped to boost sales. She is the creator of several blogs and websites in addition to being an indie publisher at Monkey Star Press. Lisa is currently working on the humor anthology, "Motherhood: May Cause Drowsiness," which is a collaboration of comedic stories from sleep-deprived women learning to function on minimal amounts of shut-eye. You won't want to miss her book once it's released! I'm honored to be a part of this anthology, which is chock full of talented female writers.
Please welcome Lisa Nolan to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love and be sure to check out her blog site as well!

A MOM'S DATE WITH HER CLUTTER

Let's just agree that the new normal for moms of the 21st Century is that we are imperfect and PROUD of it!

OK, we are guilt-ridden, sleep-deprived, short-changed LITERALLY, and constantly second-guessing ourselves. But let's not dwell on it because that chilled-bottle of wine sitting in the fridge is calling to some of us, so we are going to ignore it. Mostly...

My real life confession today is MY CLOSET. My husband and I share a large closet but not a walk-in closet. He has more clothes than I do, but non-the-less, I keep his stuff away from my half. And for the past two years, my dog's bed has been in there because that is where she likes to sleep at night.

Well, recently something happened. I don't know how, but her bed is now covered with storage boxes from the garage that I have yet to put away. To be fair, I need access to these boxes on a regular basis and there is nowhere else to store them (except our garage).

But now there is second pile of boxes growing next to my side of the bed. I can't hide them in the closet, it's full! So I just step over and around them.

Believe me when I tell you I'm not a clutter bug like my depression-era parents were, or my husband currently is... I'm a mom and I just don't have the time to deal with my ever-bigger and bigger piles of stuff!

And therein lies the problem. If you DON'T take of the crap (OK, stuff but I already used that word too many times) it weighs on you, like a suitcase (make that several suitcases) that never gets unpacked after a trip--and then you wonder why you can't find your favorite pair of earrings or comfy slippers.

I ask myself, I ask you dear reader, am I a closet clutter bug mom in denial?

I never had this problem when I was single! Or when I attended college! (Plus I could not afford that much stuff.)

Maybe clutter it is like married sex: You have to make a date for it. Then do it. And you are so much happier after you've done it.

So take note: I'm going to pencil in a date with my crap.

Maybe I'll buy myself a bottle of wine. (But no pictures!)

BIO:

My bio: Who me? I'm craft challenged, a lousy housekeeper, a great cook, and a dedicated locavore. I blog about Montessori and write mom lit and parent humor. I'm also a book publisher, mom to a DS child, a 3-6 and 6-9 Montessori trained teacher.

LINKS:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/WriterEducatorPublisherLisaNolan

Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/lnmontessori

Google Plus: http://gplus.to/LisaNolan
My blog: http://www.LisaNolan.com

Friday, April 25, 2014

One Size Fits None

I hate clothes shopping, which explains why I've never been accused of being a fashionista. It also explains why my daughters always call first to ask what I'm wearing before they bring their friends over to the house.

Shopping is a miserable way for me to spend a day, but when my underwear drawer looks like its been attacked by hungry moths, I know it's time to hit the mall.

After birthing four babies by c-section and sweating my way through menopausal hell, having a root canal is preferable to me than clothes shopping. I might enjoy it more if I was twenty pounds lighter, but shopping isn't fun when I'm forced to skip the petite section in favor of the Orca department where everything comes in black, white or shower curtain pattern.

My husband often accompanies me during my clothes hunting expeditions because he is: (A) Bored with all 500 cable channels (B) Needs to replenish his tube sock collection or (C) Wants to make sure I don't spend all my cash on animal print house dresses and takeout from the Burger Barn. Normally he's pretty helpful while I scan the aisles for something I can squeeze into. It's always a challenge to find an outfit that doesn't leave me looking like the exploding dough from a Pillsbury Crescent Roll tube.

While I'm on the other side of the store pondering zippers v.s. elastic waistbands, my husband feels no shame in shouting across the room for everyone to hear:

"Honey, can you still fit in an XL?"

"Hey Babe, you want those jeans with a control top panel, right?"

I try to be frugal while I shop, but by the time I hit the clearance section, there are only two clothing sizes left on the racks---hummingbird or mastodon.

Once I'm able to find a dress that doesn't resemble a large paint tarp, I head for the dreaded dressing room. It's always at this moment that I wish I lived in the 1500's where everyone bought one-size-fit-all clothing from Dirty-Smocks-R-Us and dressed by dim candlelight to mask the effects of a mead and potato diet.

Another reason I dread entering the dressing rooms is because there are some shoppers who use these cubicles for more than just trying on clothes. How do I know this? Several of my children worked in major department stores during their high school years and shared a few nightmare tales that have scarred me for life. These popular stores should consider posting signs so that paranoid people like me don't have to worry about stepping into DNA samples left by the previous occupants. Simple signs that would be helpful, such as: "FECAL FREE ZONE" or "MOTEL 6 IS DOWN THE STREET…. THEY'LL LEAVE A LIGHT ON FOR YOU!"

It never fails that by the time I get to the checkout counter, the angry woman in front of me with three returns and a missing receipt was once the president of her high school debate team. My eye starts to twitch the moment she engages in refund warfare with the young girl behind the cash register. Obviously neither one of these women knows I'm two hours late getting home to walk a dog known for bouts of IBS. That's one "WELCOME HOME" surprise I can do without.

Along with the shopping spree comes the daunting task of cleaning out the old clothes to make room for the new. I'm a firm believer in recycling and have found some creative ways to repurpose my granny panties with a needle and thread. By sewing them together, I can make an outdoor patio umbrella, a tent for camping trips or an heirloom quilt for the grandkids. Pinterest has nothing on me.

The reality is that when I try on the new clothes at home, they don't look as good on me as they did in the dressing room. I'm convinced that department stores use trick mirrors so that every woman appears as shapely as an hour glass. When I get home and look in my own mirror, all I see is a pear dressed up in a shower curtain.

Chances are I'll be returning my one-size-fits-none clothing to the mall….but only after a quick stop at the Burger Barn.

***You can find more Meno Mama this week at http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/devil-juice where I dish on the (funny) effects of too much wine.

***********************BREAKING NEWS!!!*************************

I'm pleased to announce that Menopausal Mother's first book, "Who Stole My Spandex? Midlife Musings From A Middle-Aged MILF" will be released this coming fall!!!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Wacky Wednesday Writers Guest Post By: Evil Joy Speaks

My WWW guest today is one heck of a funny lady! Please welcome Joy Hedding of Evil Joy Speaks! Joy writes mostly about her family life but throws in the occasional (and totally relatable!) rant or a clever poem, and she participates in several group blog postings each month. She is one of the few writers I know who doesn't like coffee (GASP!) but still gets her caffeine fix through tea. She also has an interesting nickname for pinot grigio wine but I can't repeat it here. You'll just have to check out her hilarious blog to see for yourself!
"Evil Joy" really isn't evil at all---I think she has a kind heart and is very supportive of her peers in the blogging community. I'm betting you're going to love this lady as much as I do! Please welcome Joy to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!

NEW FORM OF SELF TORTURE

Alright. I’m just going to lay it on the line.

I’m hairy.

Yes, you read that right. I have the male equivalent of the 5 o’clock shade by 10 am on my legs and underarms. And yeah…I have super dark hair. Evidently the grays don’t start invading the areas of your body (other than your head) until later.

So…while out visiting a friend, I learned about Nads. And how Nads actually rips hair from the its follicle and makes me ‘shout’ obscenities under my breath.

Excitedly, I opened the package. I looked in awe at the few supplies that were going to Change.My.Life.

I would no longer fear panty hose ripping. (Well…like I ever did that before……)

I would no longer hide my face in shame at the park when Littlest said, “Mama – your legs are super prickly today. Way worse than yesterday!”

I would embrace my man sized calves. I would flaunt my smooth legs. I would show off my tattoo of gibberish.

And…….

I tried it on my Second Eldest Spawn first. On vacation. Away from home. (And from her brother who would have teased her without mercy.)

Yup. I did that.
~~I’m not a coward.~~ She wanted to shave. And I think she’s too young. But she’s on a ball team with girls two years older than she and they all shave.

So she willing sat on a bathroom counter. I put the warm goo on her legs. Rubbed the strip on.

And ripped that shit off.

She did it. She survived. She didn’t cry. She said, “By the time I’m 18, my hair should pretty much have gotten the idea to NOT EVER come back!”

We got home from vacay. I decided it was time. It was time and if I did that to my kid…..I could do it myself. I mean, how bad could it really hurt?

It could hurt like a fire filled hole of steaming lava coming up and eating your skin, laughing at you the whole time saying, “SUCKER!!!”. How the HELL did Eldest Female Spawn not cry?! Man…I had tears in my eyes. They didn’t fall. I held strong. I remained stoic on the outside since Eldest Female Spawn was watching Scooby Doo and waiting to see what my reaction was.

Then….. after the 87th strip of hair I ripped off my man sized calves…it really didn’t hurt that much. Or I was so numb to the pain that I was slap happy. Not sure which, but I didn’t care because it didn’t hurt like the sting of fire ants on your bare feet but alllll over your legs.

And just think….people do this to other areas of their bodies. Ummmm. Not today sista. It hurt my legs that much and my legs are exposed to the elements - there’s no way I’m waxing parts that don’t see the light of day. No way in bejebbers.

But…I didn’t have to shave much for 3 weeks. (only those random areas I realized I missed…you know – the 1/8th inch strip up the inside of your knee…yeah…that part.)

And…it’s almost time. To once again. Willingly.

Rip. My. Hair. Out. Of. My. Skin.

EJ out – to put on pants to hide my 10am leg hair shadow.

BIO

www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com
eviljoyspeaks@gmail.com
Twitter @eviljoyspeaks
Pinterest @EvilJoy
Evil Joy on Google+

Joy is a wife, mother, and general comic relief to those who know her. She spends her days carting around her four children she loving refers to as spawn while trying to maintain a small shred of sanity. Often funny, sometimes serious, she has a unique view on life. Come along and see what life is like on the Evil side of things.

Menopausal Mother

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