Menopausal Mother

     I've been absent from the blogosphere this week due to a family crisis. My dear mother had to be rushed to the hospital for a torn aorta and needed emergency surgery. She's an incredibly brave and strong woman, but this latest episode really frightened me. The experience made me realize that as our parents age, we have to accept that their health is more fragile than ever before, and that we need to cherish the gift of time that we have with them. For this reason, I'm unable to offer you a new blog post today, but in honor of my mother, I'd like to share some links to a few of my favorite posts that were written with her in mind.

     The good news is that my mother made it through her stent surgery and is now in recovery. Prayers and positive thoughts would be very much appreciated. Those of you who still have your mothers here with you, please give them a hug and tell them how much they mean to you. They will never tire of hearing you say, "I love you, Mom."



THE TRUTH ABOUT MOTHERHOOD

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL, I AM MY MOTHER AFTER ALL (featured on Bonbon Break)

THE INVISIBLE GENERATION

IF MY CLOSET COULD TALK  (featured on Purple Clover)

    Today I am beyond thrilled to introduce you to a dear friend of mine who also happens to be an amazing writer. I stumbled across Kim Sisto-Robinson's blog, "My Inner Chick", about a year ago and was immediately drawn in by both her humor and her poignant posts. We share a common grief---the loss of our sisters, which makes me feel even closer to Kim because no one understands that kind of loss until they've experienced it first hand.

     I also love Kim's funny outlook on aging, and I wanted to share her unique sense of humor here with you, dear readers. Please welcome her to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!


          12 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING EFFING OLDER

Today I'm thrilled to introduce you to my guest writer, Lisa Nolan, editor and publisher of Monkey Star Press! I'm also honored to be a part of her humor anthology, Motherhood May cause Drowsiness: Mom Stories From The Trenches (you can also visit her website HERE). Today she's sharing her five bedtime survival tips for all the sleep-deprived moms out there. Please welcome Lisa with lots of comment love and shares. Thanks!

     I remember the day I dropped my oldest child off for his first day of kindergarten. Once the teacher smiled politely, waved goodbye and shut the door, I rounded the corner and sobbed. My baby boy was growing up too fast.

     Fast forward to his college years. It was deja vu all over again when my husband and I hugged him goodbye and drove away from the dormitory that was to be his new home. Once we were out of view, I curled up in the fetal position on the passenger side of the car and cried during the entire trip back home.

     I survived all those years my son was gone, and went through it again with my oldest daughter when she picked a school several hours from home. But I was prepared, and by the time she left for college, I was a seasoned veteran of parenting long-distance. Fortunately, my two younger children chose to stay local, which spared me another round of emotional goodbyes from the steps of a college dorm.

     Now that I have all four of my offspring living nearby, I've noticed not only a stronger bond between us, but a few subtle idiosyncrasies that no one warned me about once my baby chicks grew up and flew the coop. I was surprised to learn the following about my adult children:

* My kids still believe dear old Mom and Dad have only had sex four times in their life---once for each kid. There's something to be said about living in a state of denial.

* They expect us to babysit their pets whenever they go out of town. Good thing none of them own a six foot python, otherwise we'd have a problem.

* Even though they have washing machines down the hall in their apartment buildings, they prefer to haul an industrial size bag of dirty clothes to our house, especially if they're fresh out of quarters.

*They're convinced that we have gold bars buried in the backyard and that we cash them out from time to time to afford our monthly beer budget. The rest, they are certain, will be liquidated to fund our future retirement home on wheels.

* The first thing they do when they walk in our door is head straight for the refrigerator. We might as well hang a neon sign above it that says, FREE FOOD. Same goes for our supply of toilet paper and paper towels.

*They never keep a stash of envelopes or stamps, and will pass by the post office next to their home in favor of driving the extra five miles to our house to borrow one of each.

*Even though they know how to wash and wax a car, they still bribe their father to clean their vehicles with the promise of a bottle of Jameson whiskey.

*On the rare occasions that we get an invite to their apartments for dinner, we have yet to eat a meal off of anything other than paper plates. At least they use real silverware. Have you ever tried cutting a steak with a plastic knife and fork?



     The best part of having adult children is the friendship we share. The door is always open and the fridge is well stocked for their impromptu visits.

     Little do they know that we really ARE saving up for that retirement on wheels….and the day we leave, I'm taking all the toilet paper and paper towels with me.  

     The dictionary defines a mother as "a female parent; one known for providing care and protection over someone else; a person who expresses maternal affection to others."

      My definition of a mother goes beyond the simple terms in the dictionary. Mothers are the key component in binding a family together with love, generosity, compassion and insight. Their fierce loyalty and support is unmatched. A mother encourages her children to fly by putting her own dreams aside and building a safe platform to help launch the dreams of her children.      

     When I was a grumpy teenager, I never gave a second thought to the sacrifices my mother made to keep our family running smoothly. I took for granted every ride to band practice, every home cooked meal, the new clothes in my closet and the clean sheets I slept on each night. I never considered how she spent her time, whether she was happy or not, or if her feelings had been hurt by something I might have done. I was too deep in the throes of teenage angst to notice that I wasn't sitting alone on that bumpy ride through adolescence and anxiety.

     None of it clicked until I had children of my own. Being a mother altered the lens I had previously viewed my life through, and I realized how skewed my perception of my own mother had been. It changed the way I thought about myself and my family, and taught me to look a little closer at the ideals that had been instilled in me since childhood. My role in the world had been redefined, and the only person to guide me through those times of uncertainty was my mother.

     Patient, kind, wise and unselfish, my mother is everything a mother should be. We have disagreed, laughed, cried, and held hands through moments of unimaginable loss, yet she is always there for me, that safe harbor with its blinking light to guide me home during a storm.

      I've learned my share of lessons over the years after raising four children. First and foremost, my mother really DID know what was best. But I've also learned that mothers are not perfect, and that we make mistakes just like everyone else. My standards may not always meet those of my children, and undoubtedly, they'll rebel when they feel they've been treated unfairly. What they don't realize yet is how much of my heart they own, and that unkind words and actions really do hurt, even though I may not always show it. Nothing swells my heart more than their love, and yet nothing has the power to wound me more than their stinging judgment and criticism when they're angry. Until they have children of their own, they cannot understand the level of profound and all-encompassing love that parenthood brings, as well as the difficult and often painful lessons that are learned along the way.

     As much as I regret the days when I ignored my mother to pursue my own interests, I feel doubly blessed now to be able to spend time with her. The veil of youthful self-indulgence has been lifted, and I see my mother for who she really is; a woman of faith, wisdom, strength, compassion and abundant love. She is, and always has been, my shelter, my proudest supporter, and the one person who has loved me unconditionally, no matter how many times I let her down. When people say that I remind them of her, I'm honored. Being compared to the woman I'm so proud to call my mother is the best compliment I could ever receive.

     I hope that one day my children will think of me in the same way, and no matter how many trials they may face in the future, that they'll always feel my love shining through them like a beacon in a storm.

 
    Little white lies. We're all guilty of using them, whether it's to protect someone's feelings or to get out of attending the fifth Pampered Chef party invitation we've received in a month. We stretch the truth on the internet to make our lives sound more interesting. We tell our teens that our wallets have more cobwebs in them than an Egyptian tomb to avoid paying for a concert we secretly don't want them to attend.

     White lies are used to avoid the truth about ourselves and our loved ones. We use them to validate our actions, manipulate situations in our favor and to help sidestep conflict with others.

     Many of my female friends are very sensitive to the feelings of others and confess to using white lies whenever necessary. For instance, they would rather shave their heads than tell their husbands that they really didn't want a nose hair trimmer for a birthday gift, or that their friend's expensive bridesmaid dress looks more like a gunny sack dunked in a vat of Grey Poupon.


     My own mother is guilty of telling me little white lies when I was a child.  "If you eat all your carrots, you'll always have good eyesight"…. WRONG. I consumed more carrots in my youth than the entire rabbit population at the local pet store, and I'm still sporting 2.5 readers.  She also told me that calves liver is an acquired taste. Thirty years later and I still gag when I smell it frying in a pan with onions.

     Here's a list of the typical white lies that many women tell themselves:


*I'm only baking these chocolate chip cookies for the kids.

*All I need is five more minutes of sleep, and then I'll get out of bed.

*The kids won't notice we're eating leftover tuna casserole two nights in a row if I bury it under a mound of cheese.

*I refuse to give away my size 6 clothing because I'm sure I can lose these last 20 pounds of baby weight.

*My husband doesn't need me to remind him that our anniversary is coming up.

*I don't waste time on Facebook or Pinterest.

*I can quit eating sugar and salt anytime.

*My husband won't notice that I spent a fortune on yoga clothes but haven't been to the gym in six months.

*One more glass of wine won't affect me.

*I'm not sleeping…. I'm just resting my eyes.

*My husband will never see the extra charges from the Ikea store on our credit card bill.

 *I'll wake up early tomorrow to finish the project.

*My co-workers won't care if I re-heat broccoli in the lunchroom.

*The kids won't mind if we use their inheritance to invest in a billy goat farm.

*My husband won't notice that I haven't had time to wash my hair in three days.

*I'll start my diet on Monday.

*My daughter won't be angry if I tag her on Facebook with an old photo from her awkward, prepubescent years.

*The calories from the bites off my husband's dinner plate don't count.

*I'm sure my boss will be understanding when I call out of work for the third time this week with a sick toddler.

*I dance so much better after several vodka martinis.

*Just one more bite and then I'll stop.

*No way was she born with a perfect body like that.

*My son won't mind if I show his new girlfriend twenty hours of old family videos.

*I swear I didn't eat the last slice of pizza. It must have been the dog.

*I'm only going to watch one more episode of Orange Is The New Black on Netflix before I go to bed.

*I don't need to write down that information because I have a mind like a steel trap.

*I can't understand why I'm not loosing any weight. I haven't cheated on my diet at all.

*My husband won't be disappointed when I claim another headache for the third night in a row.

*I can't throw away my collection of Hello Kitty socks---they might be worth a lot of money one day.

*Of course I'm on my way there. I left ten minutes ago.


*I'll buy these jeans one size smaller because I know I'll fit into them eventually.

*No, really, you don't have to get me anything for my birthday.

*My life would be perfect if I won the lottery.

*I don't snore.

*It's perfectly acceptable to steal chocolate from my kids' Easter baskets and hide in the bathroom to eat it.

*I'll be ready to go in just a few minutes.

*Of course I love your new hairstyle. That purple mohawk really brings out your eye color.



     If ten or more of these apply to you, welcome to the Little White Liar's club. Now pass me that plate of cookies---- the kids won't notice if we eat them all. We can always blame it on the dog.

 





***You can catch more Meno Mama this week over at Humor Outcasts where I'm revealing the changes in my life after I discovered the world of blogging. Read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/its-the-blogging-life-for-me/

   
    Many mothers wake up on their special day in happy anticipation of what's to come. Perhaps the kids will bring them breakfast in bed and their husbands will surprise them with a dozen roses or a box of imported chocolates. In a perfect world, their special day will echo all the sentimental Mother's Day cards sold at Hallmark.
   
     When my children were young, I cherished their handmade cards filled with loving sentiments of appreciation. As they grew older, the gifts became more creative, especially when working on a tight budget. This included anything sold from an 800 number, such as an Elvis head Chia pet, ShamWows and Ped Eggs.

     My kids know that all I need on Mother's day is their love and oodles of hugs. They also know that any of the following gift fails, no matter how nicely wrapped, will land them in the dog house. For life.


1.  A cow print muumuu with matching hoof slippers and a place for Mom's udders.

2.  Subscription to Old Farts Monthly magazine complete with scratch and sniff tabs.

3.  Give Mom a diamond necklace, not a Life Alert necklace.

4.  Don't offer a Groupon for vaginal reconstructive surgery unless your mother tells you that her lady parts resemble two stingrays swimming side by side.

5.  A can of Ron Popeil's Spray On Hair for Mom's bald spots.

6.  Five free Kegal sessions with Dr. Uso Tyght for bladder control.

7.  Dinner at the Sir-Chews-Not diner for the Sunday Special on spam and spinach smoothies. Leave Mom's dentures at the door.

8.  Your mother deserves flowers from a florist, not your handmade bouquet of ragweed and dandelions with a hint of poison ivy.

9.  A gift certificate for three classes on "How To Turn Your Pool Into A Jacuzzi Through Flatulence."

10.  Mothball Eau De parfum.

11.  A one year supply of Dry As A Bone vaginal lube.

12.  If you're giving your mum candy, make sure the label says Godiva chocolates, not the cheap knock off brand, Cadaver chocolates.


     Most mothers will be happy with the usual flowers, candy and dinner routine this year. But if Mom is looking for something unique, you can always surprise her with the cow print muumuu and matching hoof slippers.

     Happy "MOOO"ther's day!