I met Rich last year in a Facebook writer's group, and after checking out out his blog, I KNEW I wanted to feature this funny man on my site. His dry wit and midlife humor is totally relatable to me. His post today put a big smile on my face because it sounds EXACTLY like something that would happen at my house. Hey, he mentions Hershey's chocolate. What's not to love?!? Please welcome the talented, witty, Rich Rumple to Meno Mama's site and leave him lots of comment love. Enjoy!
MATURE? HELL, WE'RE JUST GETTING OLD!
I hit 60 last month. No, not in golf … in age.
As I grow older, television advertising grows more and more ridiculous. This barrage of idiocy has no let up as night after night sponsors do their best to prey on those brain dead from viewing too much reality television and copycat talent shows.
Yes, this type of programming is a favorite of my Alabama born, grits loving, bleached blonde wife. (With those attributes, anyone from the South knows she immediately qualifies for a handicapped parking space and a free can of Skoal dip at any Dairy Mart below the Mason Dixon Line!) So, I’m stuck watching them, too.
Commercials become particularly aggravating as one grows older, as it is a pain to leave the room during them. Simply too much effort is needed to raise one’s tail from the pleasures provided it by a soft recliner cushion. Besides, energy levels drop as one ages. My wife recognizes this from my reluctance to leave the room when gas needs to be released. I just sit there and rock the jelly bean jar because of my desire to conserve my energy for more important things, like going to the fridge after another Diet Coke.
Yes, after thirty-four years of marriage, romance takes a back seat to farting.
Back to advertising! (Sorry, I tend to get off track more these days as my ramblings push the walker with wheels down many forgotten paths.)
I, as a man, have no need to feel fresh in my crotch as some commercials proclaim so boldly. I realize that this must be a woman thing, but I do remember days when I visited that area upon occasion before sex was an activity to only be fondly remembered. Seriously, if I’d ever visited the magic “V” and found a springtime freshness awaiting me, I’d probably grab a can of weed killer thinking I was in the wrong place and spray away before I caught poison ivy! Either that or Raid … which I found out long ago in college really did work effectively when I got a case of the crabs from a State Fair Queen and had no money to go to the doctor for treatment.
Oops … rambling again.
Commercials that are supposed to make fat people skinny tend to irk me off, too. I mean, the easiest way to lose weight is to stop eating. There’s a survival show called “Naked and Afraid” where they strip down a man and a woman to the stubs and nubs and leave them in the wilderness for twenty-one days. It never fails, the woman always loses about 15 pounds during that time, and the man around 25 pounds. (Which shows you that men really do have about ten more pounds of crap in them than women!) They don’t need any type of a diet pill that can cause nausea, headaches, loss of balance, possible loss of consciousness, elevated blood pressure, and/or diarrhea. They just don’t eat! Amazing how that always seems to be the answer, isn’t it?
In college, I recall running five miles every morning and every evening, as well as having a strong sit-up and toe touch regiment. It was the only time in my life I actually had a six pack ab area. In addition, living off campus at the time, my food allowance was almost non existent, especially with the price of Raid. Exercise and little to no food makes one lose weight. (Raid will also end one’s relationship with partners dedicated to oral sex!)
I’ve really got to stop rambling.
All of the male enhancement product commercials are completely unnecessary, too! First, I believe there’s a reason old men find it time to stay soft. Think about it. If picturing your grandparents getting it on turns you off, imagine what it does to them seeing each other in person!
And, when you get older and become grandparents, playing various bedroom games can be dangerous. I wonder how many bones have been broken tripping over lassoes and spurs and falling off the dresser trying to catch the other one running around the room! Envision your nude grandfather lying there, with a drug induced erection, screaming, “I’ve fallen and I got it up!”
No, sex for the elderly is something my wife has decided is not for us. She keeps saying, “What if you have a heart attack and die during it?”
My response is simple. “Just keep going and enjoy it. You’ll probably have three or four hours left if the pill lives up to its promises!”
She doesn’t have much energy left these days either.
No, my wife has decided we’re done with sex. Hard to believe sex will never happen again. I’m going to miss it, but I guess I can always watch my neighbors through the busted blind on the left side of their bedroom window. (Don’t ask me how I know about that!)
Oh well, there’s always Hershey’s Chocolate and Almond Nuggets to take its place!
I must say, though, there is some interest in finding out what it would be like to have a four hour erection. Don’t know what I’d do with it, but at least I could say it happened!
Maybe I could go to Walmart and stand next the fruit section singing, “Oh yes, I have a banana. I have a banana today!”
My wife doesn’t like that line. I’m not surprised. She wouldn’t know what to do with a four hour erection either. She’d probably have me stand next to her while she was ironing so she’d have someplace to hang my shirts.
Damn … rambling again!
Time to say goodbye. Since this is a guest post I’ll make it shorter than I usually do on my own blog. I’ve probably scared away half of the regular readers by now anyway.
Either that, or they’re all gathering at Walmart in the fruit section.
See you all there soon!
Ciao!
BIO:
Rich Rumple is a published author of multiple Sales Training and Customer Retention manuals, as well as several short stories and countless newspaper articles. In addition, he wrote and created a stand-up comedy act of which he successfully performed for years onstage. Having lived in nine different states and several years in Europe, he now seeks a home where the locals will permit him to stay, instead of running him out of town with blazing torches and sharpened pitchforks. Boarding his personal rocket for the world of creativity with cigarettes and Diet Coke in hand, he allows his fantasies to run wild and his mind can only follow, sometimes. You can find his humorous rantings and ravings at http://richrumple.blogspot.com/.
Got a real chuckle from the "I've fallen..." line - enjoyed!
ReplyDeleteJohn - Good to see you visiting, my friend! Glad you enjoyed this. Yeah, the scary thing about that line is imagining it happening to yourself in the future. I can see the paramedics feeling for a broken leg and saying, "Damn, nothing's broken here!" Thanks for commenting.
DeleteAfter reading the "picture your Grandfather" part, I've never been happier to never have had a grandfather. They went to the great Walmart in the sky long before I was born. Phew.
ReplyDeleteJoy - Thanks so much for stopping by! Never had a Grandfather? Damn, both of your grandmothers were leaders in the artificial insemination field? Amazing!!! lol Now I'm envisioning them lying on the floor with blue vests on saying, "Savings place, hell! Where's that new cashier, anyway!" Sorry, no disrespect intended. Really appreciate you stopping by and commenting. Many Thanks!
DeleteHilarious... I read this and laughed so hard... I don't want to hear there is no sex at 60... that's nasty ...lol. I'll take the chance of getting hurt... I ramble too ... haha
ReplyDeleteLaunna - So nice to meet you! Perhaps I should have stated, "There's no sex with one's mate after the age of 60." I'm reminded of an old Sophie Tucker joke. Seems two ladies were on the phone talking about old Harold. "Why, did you hear? Harold just got himself a 22 year old girlfriend ... and he's 70 years old!" "That's so wrong. But, honey, let me tell you, when I'm 70, I'm getting myself a 22 year old boy toy!" "Well, why is it wrong for Harold by okay for you?" "Girl, it's simple. 22 goes in to 70 a hell of a lot more than 70 goes into 22." Thanks for commenting! :)
DeleteWe've only been married for four years and farting has replaced romance. Ah. Marriage. Haha.
ReplyDeleteThis is hysterical, Rich! Sucks there's no more sex for you but at least you can laugh about it. And maybe cry a little too. I probably would be.
Kim - Always great to see you around! Ahhh, the romance has died and the gas masks are now present. Just out of curiosity, do you have a favorite air freshener or do you use scented candles year 'round? :) Oh, remember, my wife has said no more sex with her. I must clarify with her if that means no one else either ... someday. lol Many Thanks!
DeleteThanks for pointing out Rich's blog. He's a funny and talented guy.
ReplyDeleteStephen - Good to meet you, sir! Your words are only too kind. In fact, I may start blogging more consistently just because of them. Hell, got nothing else to do since I've been cut off! lol Many Thanks!
DeleteBwahahahaha! I was chuckling until "If picturing your grandparents getting it on turns you off, imagine what it does to them seeing each other in person!" and then I was laughing out loud! I needed this lift today. No pun intended. My Husby just turned 60! Oh, the joy!!! :)
ReplyDeleteDiane - Thanks so much for stopping by and reading! OMG, I hope I didn't give you any ideas about cutting your hubby off! I can see it now ... every man in the world, 60 and over, will be out to get me when word gets around. Man, I'm in trouble now. Guess it's time to go to Walmart and stand in the fruit section. No man would ever be caught dead there so I'll be safe! Glad you enjoyed. Many Thanks!
DeleteRich very funny as usual, I do enjoy reading your blogs
ReplyDeleteGary - Really good of you to stop by today! I think you probably understand a lot of this more than others. lol Seriously, very happy to have you on board. Many Thanks!
DeleteThis is hysterical!! And now I'm off to check out your blog!
ReplyDeleteMichelle - So good to meet you! Sorry, I've been kind of remiss on blogging for the last couple of months. I guarantee I'll get back to it soon. Really glad you enjoyed this one. Many Thanks!
DeleteOk this post made me laugh and that caused me to forget what it was about, tv ads or growing old and not have sex right something like that, I know I could try reading the post again but hell I have already wet myself from laughing and don't want to risk that again so I will pass on the rereading.Now what was I saying, oh yeah tv ads have a habit of annoying the shit out of me and I will often mute the ad so I don't have to listen to the rubbish oh yeah I am going to go on over and check you out Rich because I am cool like that..........really I am
ReplyDeleteJo-Anne - So good of you to stop in and comment! I ramble to the point of switching topics at times, but getting back is half the fun! lol Btw, let me introduce you to the senior world of Depends. (No, I'm not that old yet!) Please see my blog note to Michelle above. I promise I'm going to start doing my humor blog full time again soon. Really happy you enjoyed. Many Thanks!
DeleteOMG Rich- I was dying! The whole male enhancement...grandfather...no sex for the elderly - OMG - HI.LA.RI.OUS!
ReplyDeleteAnd the poor lady of the house. HAHAH
You've got the knack for humor, that's for sure. :) Now, go get in that recliner and have some TV action. lol
My Favorite Hi "C" - How the hell are you, my friend? Glad I could make your day a little lighter with this post. Yeah, I covered one or two topics here ... that's what rambling allows for, multiple topics with plenty of time to cover others while you get back on track. lol Now, don't feel bad for my wife. She's had me for 34 years, so I just figure she's had too much of a good thing ... or, I'd hope that was the case. :) Good to see you again! Many Thanks!
DeleteGreat post, Rich. Male enhancement products have a lot to answer for; in the pre-Viagra days we men of a certain age could sigh, mutter something about floppy, and turn over to enjoy some quality sleep. But not anymore; females expect a 3-hour sex session from a chemical-fueled stallion (and not to mention the reddish soreness around the helmet I suffer the following morning. And by the way, what's oral sex?
ReplyDeleteBryan - Thanks for stopping by! 3 hours!!!! My God, I give you credit, my friend. If I were to attempt anything for three hours that entailed heavy breathing it would have to be an artificial breathing apparatus! We even bought waterbeds years ago as I thought, "Well, the motion of the ocean." Of course, motionless mattresses soon ended that idea! lol Btw, oral sex, if I remember correctly, is talking about what we used to do when age was not a consideration. Many thanks!
DeleteThis was just downright hilarious...I hope the sex thing is a joke...really do! It's one thing to just no have it...but to KNOW you aren't going to ever again - would be a real bummer! lol Raid, huh? that crap doesn't even kill bugs, much less crabs!
ReplyDeleteHey, Stephanie! Really happy you enjoyed this one. I'm afraid it's no joke. Life has thrown me a left, and to stay true, there's nothing I can do. That is, unless someone takes mercy upon my plight and comes to the rescue. (Don't ask me what I mean there, I'm out of it today, lol) The Raid thing happened back in the late 70's. A couple of cans had been left by the previous renter and I had no alternatives but to give it a try or suffer. So, I sprayed one morning, and that night they were all dead. Strange but true! lol Many thanks!
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