Menopausal Mother

     This month the pesky fly witnessed some interesting things. I broke my big toe, for starters. Yeah, remember Queen of Klutz? I'm living up to that title in 2015. 

     The fly was also buzzing around a few weeks ago when I was a nervous wreck at the NBC studios. Shortly before I was to go on the set for a live interview about my Spandex book, my husband said something so off-the-wall stupid that it was hilarious…..just as I took a GINORMOUS swig from my water bottle. Needless to say, water spewed EVERYWHERE, soaking my shirt and the white fabric couch I was sitting on.  That's not even the worst of it. Moments before the camera turned to me, I looked down and noticed a large hole in my black leggings, just below the knee. Note to self: next time I'm invited to a television station, I'm bringing a bib and an emergency sewing kit.

     

      If you were a nosy fly on the wall at my house this month, these are some snippets of conversation you would have overheard in the looney bin that I call home:

     "You're a true carnivore. Every day you open the meat drawer in the refrigerator and gorge on cold  lunch meat right out of the packet. No bread or condiments necessary."

     "Am I the only one who has a husband who offers shots of whiskey to the cable guy after the installation is finished?"

     "Never come between a little girl and her ice cream cone."

     "You sure do go the bathroom a lot before leaving for work every morning."

     "I'm worried that I'll need to poop while I'm out on a landscaping job."

     "You could always use the bushes and grab some leaves for toilet paper."

     "With my luck, the leaves would be covered in poisonous sap and gum up my butt."

     "Since when did a simple toy like a child's spinning top become a dance party with strobe lights and techno music?"

   
   
     "I ate so much, I'm having Braxton Hicks from my food baby."

 
      "My stomach hurts."

     "Eat a cheese stick."

     "Your answer to everything is a cheese stick! Got diarrhea? Eat a cheese stick. Dementia? Eat a cheese stick. Financial problems? Eat a cheese stick!"

   
     "You know you're old when you keep several pairs of toenail clippers in your nightstand drawer."

     "These book signings always make me nervous. I'm afraid no one will buy my book."
     "If you ply them with enough wine and beer, they'll buy the Brooklyn Bridge from you."

     "You girls think 50 Shades of Gray is cool---well, your mother and I are on 60 Shades of Gray….and that doesn't include our hair color."

     "Why does my home office smell like a baby's dirty diaper? We don't even have a baby."

     "This is where all the kids slept when they were infants. It's the ghosts of old poops that you're smelling."


     "Just when you think you're doing a good job parenting your teen, he tells you that he and his buddies spent the evening Tasering one another for fun."

     "The family that wrestles together, stays together."


***Want more Meno Mama? I am THRILLED to be featured on BLUNT MOMS this week!!! You can read my funny post on aging right here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/goin-south/


Be sure to click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

    

     

I am a dreamer, but I'm also a doer. I've wanted to be a writer since I was young girl, tapping away at a Smith Corona typewriter with my head full of plot outlines, settings, and characters. I was ambitious and driven, despite the letters of rejection that flooded my mailbox. There were many times in my life when my writing goals had to be put on hold--- marriage, work, children….they were my priority. But it was always there, the nagging voice that haunted me while I changed dirty diapers, cooked dinners, answered client calls, folded laundry and ran errands.

"When are you going to write?"

 I stifled that voice for years, ignoring the hollow feeling in my heart that reminded me something was missing from my life. I was waiting for the right moment….waiting through my children's high school graduations, college send-offs, job changes, financial issues, family illnesses, and the loss of loved ones. Eventually, I ran out of excuses to avoid doing what I loved most. Fear of failure was the obstacle that prevented me from moving forward, yet I knew that if I gave up and let the dream die, I would be left with nothing but regrets. 

Three years ago I took the first step by starting a blog. It was the beginning of an incredible journey that I've embraced since I published my very first post.

Today, my dreams have become a reality with the publication of "Who Stole My Spandex?" Working on the book these past ten months has been one of the most difficult things I've ever done, yet one of my most rewarding experiences.  I'll admit, there were many sleepless nights riddled with self-doubt. "What if no one reads the book?" "What if the reviews are terrible?" And the most frightening of all, "If I fail this time, how will I ever pick myself up again to write?"

Yes, I'll pick myself back up, because that's what writers do.

 "Who Stole My Spandex?" would not exist without the help of the dream team I was fortunate enough to work with---my publisher, Crystal Ponti of Blue Lobster Book Co. and my editor, Sarah Halsall del Rio of Established 1975. They were the voice of reason for me whenever fear and panic set in during the editing process. To say that I was a basket case during the last few months would be an understatement. Thankfully, Crystal and Sarah helped me keep my sanity during my emotional  meltdowns.

There is another group of writers who supported my book by offering their endorsements. They're some of the most successful women in the blogoshere---- writers I've followed and admired for many years: Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess), Jen Mann (People I Want to Punch in the Throat), Jill Smokler (Scary Mommy) Leslie Marinelli (In The Powder Room) Jenny Isenman (The Suburban Jungle, Jenny From the Blog and On-Air Host for NBC). I cannot thank them enough for their help and words of encouragement.

Most of all, I'd like to thank my dear readers who have been faithfully following Menopausal Mother and supporting my writing endeavors. You take the time each week to read about my crazy life and leave funny comments that always bring a big smile to my face. I cannot thank you enough for all that you do.

Curious what the book is about? Here's a little teaser from the back cover:

"Take a ride on the wild side in the nuthouse that Marcia Kester Doyle calls home. From couples' colonoscopies to nightmare holidays to disappearing spandex, no topic---no matter how crazy or unimaginable---is off limits. Who Stole My Spandex? Midlife Musings from a Middle-Aged MILF is a witty selection of stories from the author's madcap world of menopausal pitfalls, wardrobe malfunctions, and a family full of pranksters. With a heavy dose of self-deprecating humor, and just a dash of sentiment, this marvelous collection of anecdotes will resonate with anyone who's ever felt the call of nature at exactly the wrong time. This is rogue humor at its finest." 


I hope you'll enjoy "Who Stole MySpandex?" And after reading it,  I hope you'll want to grab a few extra copies for your friends. What better time than the holidays to share the laughter? Thank you for your support!

*If you could please do me a favor and leave a fair and honest review of the book here on Amazon at :http://amzn.to/11uY6fD
 or Goodreads.com (or both!), I would be very grateful. Thank you for your help!* 

*NEWS FLASH: IF YOU LIVE IN SOUTH FLORIDA, YOU ARE INVITED TO MY FIRST BOOK SIGNING AT: BRU'S ROOM, 235 S. FEDERAL HIGHWAY IN POMPANO BEACH FRIDAY DEC. 5th AT 5:00 P.M. (upper level outside patio) HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!*





Want more Meno Mama? I was featured this week on Boomeon: "10 Reasons Why I Love the Midlife Years." You can read it here: http://www.boomeon.com/posts/10-reasons-why-i-love-the-midlife-years