Menopausal Mother

     I love sleep, but it does not love me. I either sleep like the dead or I'm wide awake all night. There is no in-between for me. The nights I sleep deep, a tornado could lift my house from its foundation and drop it into a cornfield in Kansas and I STILL wouldn't wake up. For this reason, naps also make me nervous. I never know if I'll fall asleep for twenty minutes, two hours, or two years. Naps are risky at best, and my poor husband has no idea who he will be dealing with when he interrupts my sleep----the Kraken or a disoriented Rip Van Winkle.

     The nights insomnia shares the mattress with me are the worst. I don't count sheep to fall asleep. I count calories. And sadly, that's enough to keep me awake all night. My mind flips through a gazillion thoughts in record time, like cards being shuffled during a poker match. I can't shut my thoughts off, much less dim the commanding voice of insomnia that nags my subconscious.

     On a typical sleepless night, these are some of the strange thoughts that keep me tossing and turning while the bedside clock ticks away the minutes:



That recipe for chicken chow mein turned out really good tonight. I'm craving it again. Right now. I wonder how it will taste cold, straight out of the fridge....

So, if I add Hub's paycheck to the balance in the checkbook, then subtract what I owe on the mortgage this month, plus figure in the $200 I owe for the water bill and another $300 for the electric, that means......beans and rice. I eat bean and rice every day for a month.

My underwear is too tight. I need new underwear. This pair has holes. Geez, what if I got in an accident today and the EMTs saw them?

It's hot in here. The sheets are sticking to me. The thermostat must be set on a temperature compatible to Mercury.

How do penguins mate?

Wait----what are those suspicious noises coming from the garbage cans outside? Possum? Raccoon? Hungry neighbor?

Let's sing a song: "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...." Karen Carpenter.....what year was that?

Did I turn off the oven?

Is that a lump under my armpit? It IS a lump. What if I have cancer? Aunt Sally had it, and look what happened to her! I have all the symptoms---I'm constantly tired and achy, and my weight has been fluctuating....OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE. Wait.....no....it's not a lump. It's a mosquito bite.

Why didn't the dog poop tonight? Maybe someone gave her too much cheese. I like cheese. I really like cheese on chicken parmesan. Maybe I can order some for lunch tomorrow. Maybe I can order some now.

Don't leave a leg sticking outside of the covers.....something or someone might grab it. Ghosts. Creepy clowns. Deranged serial killers. I need to stop watching American Horror Story.

Is that the toilet water running again? I need to get a plumber out here. Life would be so much easier if someone invented disposable, biodegradable toilet plungers.

Hubs needs to mow the grass tomorrow. I'll wake him and tell him. It's 2:00 a.m. but he won't mind.

If I could redesign this house, I would add an extra sink in the master bathroom, knock out the wall that divides the kitchen from the living room, add another bathroom to the east side of the house, because we can never have too many bathrooms.....wait, do I need to pee? Welcome to "Bladder Roulette." Spin the wheel and it lands on..... "You gotta pee. RIGHT NOW!"..... dammit.

Was my closet door cracked open all this time?

Let's sing again: "Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon..."

Stop. Practice fake sleep. Close your eyes, breathe deep. Relax. Just go to sleep....hey, what was that kid's name in Mrs. Johnson's third grade class who puked whole blueberries by the classroom door?

I wonder who the first person was to eat an artichoke?

I need to find out what that weird sound was coming from my car today. What if it was my transmission? What if it blows up tomorrow while I'm driving down the highway? I'd better wear new underwear just in case the EMTs show up.


   
     Hopefully tonight will be better. I really need to get more sleep. I'll get the toilet fixed and make sure the thermostat is set low enough for icicles to form on the ceiling. And it wouldn't hurt to order a plate of chicken parmesan for dinner while I'm at it.....

     Everyone experiences insomnia at one point or another, and I'm not talking about the I-shouldn't-have-had-that-double-espresso-shot-before-bed kind of sleeping problem. I'm talking about full-on insomnia that occurs night after night and leaves you looking like The Walking Dead. Unfortunately, when you skid sideways into menopause, it's not uncommon for insomnia to become the unwanted  BFF who short-circuits your dreams.

     Most menopausal women I know don't have a problem falling asleep; they have a problem staying asleep. For me, it's the demanding bladder, sporadic hot flashes, and the fact that my brain believes 3:00 a.m. is the ideal time to wake up my muse and share some brilliant ideas.

     There are different trains of thought on the amount of sleep required to stay healthy. Some people need a solid eight hours to function normally, while others perform best with only five. But one thing is for sure; when you aren't getting enough sleep, your body lets you know in a variety of ways, such as frequent yawning (which is really just a silent scream from your body to return to your bed). Here are 14 signs that you're not getting enough sleep:

1. You have the sales pitch from every late night infomercial committed to memory.....and you are now the proud owner of a corduroy cat condo (even though you don't own a cat).

2. Your feet have created crop circles in the carpet from numerous night time trips between your bed and the bathroom.

3. Every morning your eyes appear bloodshot and your coworkers suspect you've been staying up late to party with the spirit of Bob Marley.

4. You toss and turn so much during sleep that you've worn bald spots on either side of your head.

5. You're cheating on your spouse with your new, favorite sleep partner----Melatonin.

6. Yawning is a chronic problem at work. Each time you yawn, it creates a chain reaction around the office, which lasts two hours and goes several rounds before it stops. I'll bet you're yawning right now.

7. Your neck is often sore from craning your head sideways every five minutes to check the glowing numbers on your bedside clock.

8. Other than the Cleveland Clinic, you own the second largest collection of orthotic braces for aching knees, feet, and wrists in your desperate attempt to sleep pain-free at night.

9. You're always in a fog. You wake up one morning to find your pillow in the refrigerator and a frozen lamb chop in your bed. No amount of coffee is going to improve your brain fog. You will always do stupid shit and be forgetful until you get more sleep.

10. You engage in mental warfare with your brain nightly around 2:00 a.m. The brain doesn't want to sleep, but you do. You tell your brain to shut up, but it just keeps asking the same questions: "Did you lock the front door? Turn off the stove? Pay the mortgage on time? Did the dog poop when you walked him at 11:00?" No sleep for you until you get out of bed and check all the locks. Well played, brain.

11. Mr. Sandman ran out of sand before he made it to your  house, which explains why you have large, empty sand bags under your eyes every morning.

12. You've reached the end of your rope and have signed up for a sleep study despite the fact that you will get NO SLEEP at the clinic. How can you, when you'll be required to wear Medusa-like coils around your head and electrodes attached to your body? What little shut-eye you get will be plagued with seemingly acid-induced dreams that will make you feel like you're back at Woodstock in 1969.

13. You've counted so many sheep at bedtime that you now have a wool sweater with a matching set of mittens. Keep up with the sheep herding, and a free scarf comes next.

14.  Although you need 3.0 readers during the day, your night vision is 20/20 since you've inherited the sleep cycle of a nocturnal rodent.

     Still worried that you're not getting enough sleep? The good news is that Amazon has a BOGO sale on sheep. You can order as many as you want for counting.....which means you won't have a shortage of wool sweaters this winter. Sweet dreams!