Menopausal Mother

     I love sleep, but it does not love me. I either sleep like the dead or I'm wide awake all night. There is no in-between for me. The nights I sleep deep, a tornado could lift my house from its foundation and drop it into a cornfield in Kansas and I STILL wouldn't wake up. For this reason, naps also make me nervous. I never know if I'll fall asleep for twenty minutes, two hours, or two years. Naps are risky at best, and my poor husband has no idea who he will be dealing with when he interrupts my sleep----the Kraken or a disoriented Rip Van Winkle.

     The nights insomnia shares the mattress with me are the worst. I don't count sheep to fall asleep. I count calories. And sadly, that's enough to keep me awake all night. My mind flips through a gazillion thoughts in record time, like cards being shuffled during a poker match. I can't shut my thoughts off, much less dim the commanding voice of insomnia that nags my subconscious.

     On a typical sleepless night, these are some of the strange thoughts that keep me tossing and turning while the bedside clock ticks away the minutes:



That recipe for chicken chow mein turned out really good tonight. I'm craving it again. Right now. I wonder how it will taste cold, straight out of the fridge....

So, if I add Hub's paycheck to the balance in the checkbook, then subtract what I owe on the mortgage this month, plus figure in the $200 I owe for the water bill and another $300 for the electric, that means......beans and rice. I eat bean and rice every day for a month.

My underwear is too tight. I need new underwear. This pair has holes. Geez, what if I got in an accident today and the EMTs saw them?

It's hot in here. The sheets are sticking to me. The thermostat must be set on a temperature compatible to Mercury.

How do penguins mate?

Wait----what are those suspicious noises coming from the garbage cans outside? Possum? Raccoon? Hungry neighbor?

Let's sing a song: "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...." Karen Carpenter.....what year was that?

Did I turn off the oven?

Is that a lump under my armpit? It IS a lump. What if I have cancer? Aunt Sally had it, and look what happened to her! I have all the symptoms---I'm constantly tired and achy, and my weight has been fluctuating....OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE. Wait.....no....it's not a lump. It's a mosquito bite.

Why didn't the dog poop tonight? Maybe someone gave her too much cheese. I like cheese. I really like cheese on chicken parmesan. Maybe I can order some for lunch tomorrow. Maybe I can order some now.

Don't leave a leg sticking outside of the covers.....something or someone might grab it. Ghosts. Creepy clowns. Deranged serial killers. I need to stop watching American Horror Story.

Is that the toilet water running again? I need to get a plumber out here. Life would be so much easier if someone invented disposable, biodegradable toilet plungers.

Hubs needs to mow the grass tomorrow. I'll wake him and tell him. It's 2:00 a.m. but he won't mind.

If I could redesign this house, I would add an extra sink in the master bathroom, knock out the wall that divides the kitchen from the living room, add another bathroom to the east side of the house, because we can never have too many bathrooms.....wait, do I need to pee? Welcome to "Bladder Roulette." Spin the wheel and it lands on..... "You gotta pee. RIGHT NOW!"..... dammit.

Was my closet door cracked open all this time?

Let's sing again: "Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon..."

Stop. Practice fake sleep. Close your eyes, breathe deep. Relax. Just go to sleep....hey, what was that kid's name in Mrs. Johnson's third grade class who puked whole blueberries by the classroom door?

I wonder who the first person was to eat an artichoke?

I need to find out what that weird sound was coming from my car today. What if it was my transmission? What if it blows up tomorrow while I'm driving down the highway? I'd better wear new underwear just in case the EMTs show up.


   
     Hopefully tonight will be better. I really need to get more sleep. I'll get the toilet fixed and make sure the thermostat is set low enough for icicles to form on the ceiling. And it wouldn't hurt to order a plate of chicken parmesan for dinner while I'm at it.....

   
      When my husband celebrated his fortieth birthday, he received quite an array of "Over The Hill" gifts---denture cream, thick-lensed eye glasses, fiber pills, hemorrhoid cream, a plastic cane and a bottle of Gas-X. Luckily, when I turned forty, people were much kinder. I received mostly wine and imported chocolates (my gal pals know me so well).  But not everyone is this fortunate. We all have that relative or friend who has absolutely NO CLUE what to give as a gift, so they try to find something clever. Clever does not always mean fun. Sometime clever means, "I wouldn't be caught dead in this thing and it's going in our next garage sale." Yes, I know it's the thought that counts and that I should be grateful…. but sometimes I have to wonder what my friends and family were thinking while they were shopping. Do I look the the type of person who would want a statue of a grizzly bear gnawing on a salmon in the middle of my living room?  Or a pink bunny shower curtain? Just hand me a roast beef sandwich and I'll be happy.

     Here are some gifts that NO ONE wants to unwrap on their birthday, but if you have a few "frenemies" with upcoming birthdays, then this might be your go-to list.

1. A toilet plunger with a big bow tied around it. What does this say about the person you're giving it to?

2.  A large cookbook for eating healthy and losing weight. Add a scale to the package and you might just lose your friend for good.

3.  Candles shaped like zoo animals. Watching the head of a giraffe melt into a pool of wax is rather disturbing.

4.  A buy-one-get-one-free deal for a flu shot. Skip it. They'd probably rather have a different kind of shot….like the one that comes in a small glass and feels like fire going down your throat.

5. Sky diving tickets. This makes a great gift if your friend is an adventurous daredevil. A person with a healthy fear of heights? Not so much. You'll need to include an oxygen mask and a defibrillator.

6.  A gift certificate to the "Kinky & Stinky Sex Toy Shop." I shouldn't have to explain why this is wrong on so many levels.

7. Two nights at a bed & breakfast….in Teheran.  It's fine to travel around the world on your birthday, but if you expect to celebrate another one next year, stay far, far away from this place.

8.  A pair of Spanx.  See item #2 above.

9.  Tickets to the Feline Frenzy Cat Show.  This might be an interesting experience if the recipient  fills their pockets with tuna and sits in the front row.

10.  A Groupon discount to attend a yodeling contest.  While you're at it, why not throw in an Alpine horn so that the person who receives this gift can star in the next Ricola commercial?

11.  Precious Moments Figurine. Unless your friend is in her seventies and addicted to the QVC shopping network, this item will surely end up in a garage sale.


13.  A faux Picasso painting bought from a neighbor's yard sale. Save your two bucks and coax your four-year-old to finger paint your friend's portrait.

14.  A police siren/taser alarm clock.  If the person who receives this gift doesn't jump out of bed after the first 30 seconds of the siren, the clock guarantees to taser them awake. Great incentive not to be late for work.

15. Creepy Clown Lantern. Items like this are the reason so many children end up on a psychiatrist's couch when they're adults.

16.  A Do-It-Yourself-At-Home colonoscopy kit.  If you're giving someone this gift, be sure to include bathroom cleaning supplies. And an air freshener.

17.  A sequined zebra print hat with matching striped vest. This is fine as long as the recipient isn't planning an African safari. A jaguar might mistake them for wild game.

18.  Mooing cow in a can. The only person who might appreciate this gift is a homesick, transplanted farmer stuck in New York City.
19. Onesie pajamas with drop seats…for adults. Be sure to add an adult-sized bottle, bib and pacifier to enhance this gift.

20.  A misshapen coffee mug that resembles an alien's head or an unidentifiable animal. Just because you made the mug in your last ceramics class doesn't mean you can pass it off as a piece of contemporary art.



     If you receive any of these obnoxious presents on your birthday, look on the bright side---they can always be sold in a garage sale or re-gifted at your next "Secret Santa" holiday office party. Who wouldn't appreciate an oil painting of Moby Dick swallowing a ship or a pair sequin kitty underwear?




Want more Meno Mama? This week I'm on Humor Outcasts sharing what's in my SPAM folder!   Read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2015/got-spam/