Menopausal Mother

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, three of us are welcoming you into our homes to see what a fly might see (or overhear). 

Since we're still not traveling in the RV this summer (too blazing hot!!), the nosy fly has witnessed how we've kept busy with home improvement projects. Things are shaping up nicely around here--a desperately needed new metal roof and new fencing; a facelift for the tiki bar, new garden designs, a deck re-do and paint, paint, PAINT. We have been in our little 1950s cottage-style house for 39 years and will probably die here, haha. 

     Luckily, I have a family that supports my writing, even though my career often sabotages my intentions of running an efficient home. I can't remember the last time I ironed a shirt or used the vacuum, which explains why there are dust balls the size of Arizona tumbleweeds rolling across my floor. The dirty clothes in the laundry room are multiplying faster than a pack of feral cats, and I'm certain there's a colony of orphaned socks hiding behind the dryer.

     Some days I'm plagued by writer's block, and all I have to show after sitting at my desk for six hours is a daisy chain made of paper clips. But on a good day with enough coffee to fuel the creative spirit, my muse goes into overdrive and there's no stopping me. This also means there is no time to make dinner, and my family is forced to forage in the freezer for whatever unidentifiable food they find entombed in plastic containers. It's amazing what they can create with stale hotdog buns and a bag of frozen carrots that were purchased when President Bush was in office.

     There are other times when I'm so engrossed in my writing that I forget to shower and shave, which accounts for the increased Yeti sightings in our area. My disheveled appearance is a testament to the hours I spend at the keyboard, although it's tough explaining this to my husband, the mailman, and my embarrassed teens when their friends catch me in my cereal-stained bathrobe at 4:00 p.m. It's all part of living the writer's dream, although no one warned me that I'd also become proficient at tuning out Fetty Wap blasting from my kid's room, or ignoring the temperamental toilet that's flooding my bathroom floor. The minivan needs an oil change and the dogs are overdue for their yearly deworming, but as a writer, I can see beauty in all the chaos. Tumbleweeds and toilet rings be damned----I'm embracing the writer's life wholeheartedly, one dirty sock at a time.





***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I have a NEW post up on Robot Butt this week: "12 Things To Keep You Busy While You're Unemployed"---you can read it here: http://www.robotbutt.com/2018/03/24/12-things-keep-busy-youre-unemployed/ Also, on Pickle Fork this week: "The Little White Lies Men Tell Themselves": https://medium.com/pickle-fork/the-little-white-lies-men-tell-themselves-a2aff92047e2 AND.... another poem on P.S. I Love You: "Winter In Fayette" https://psiloveyou.xyz/winter-in-fayette-ea35e8520c1c

 
    For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to write. Most of what I published in the early days was poetry, but those poems didn't put food on the table. I had to set aside my writing aspirations and focus on making money instead. I've worked all sorts of odd jobs----telephone operator, dental assistant, house cleaner, baker, and a sales rep for Avon. Each job helped feed my family, but none of them fed my soul.

     In 2011, I started blogging part time as a hobby. It was cathartic to write about menopause and middle age angst, and after a few short months, I was hooked. The blog led to a book, which then led to additional writing opportunities with online sites. When people ask me what I do now for a living, it feels good to tell them I'm a writer. I never felt comfortable saying this before until I was able to supplement our family income by getting paid to do something I love.

     As with any career, writing has its ups and downs. In most cases, it's a slow start in the beginning (unless you're one of those rare entities who becomes a rockstar author overnight with your first book) before the publication acceptances roll in. A writer has to have the patience of Job in order to survive in the world of publishing.

     I've noticed many changes in my life since the day I wrote my very first blog post. Although there have been plenty of bumps along the way in my career, the gains far outweigh the losses:

INCOME:  When I worked a regular job, I had regular income that I could count on for my monthly expenses. My income from writing is sporadic at best----it's feast or famine. Some months the book royalties and article sales keep me afloat comfortably, while there are other times when I'm not sure I can afford the "good" dog food brand. Those are the beans and rice days, but I still prefer this lifestyle over scrubbing someone else's toilet. It's a wonder I don't have PTSD after working in some of the houses I cleaned.

SLEEP:  Like many writers, I have unusual sleeping hours. Insomnia perches on the side of my bed like a restless magpie chattering away ideas from my muse. These words become a fever in my head that I cannot ignore until the last sentence has been saved on my laptop. The end result is that I'm often tired and look disheveled, but naps are totally acceptable for writers. And lack of sleep also justifies the amount of money I spend on coffee.

EATING HABITS:  I loved cooking for my family when they were all here at the same time. Homemade stews and roasts; fresh vegetables, hearty casseroles and creamy pastas. We ate well. But the kids grew older, moved out, and our schedules changed. Writing takes priority now over the hours I once spent in the kitchen. The microwave has become my best friend, along with Chinese delivery. The good news is that I'm still getting my daily allotment of vegetables from pizza toppings, plus staying healthy one Gummy Bear Vitamin at a time.

JOB ENVIRONMENT: Writing is often a lonely career. It's just me and the blank computer screen.  I love being my own boss, but at times I miss the camaraderie of coworkers. Instead, I have a son who pokes his head into my office every fifteen minutes to remind me that there is nothing to eat in the refrigerator, and a husband who asks fifty questions when I hand him the electric bill.
Luckily, I've met dozens of writers online in various social media groups and have formed my own special tribe of friends. In many ways, we're like a close nit group of coworkers in side by side cubicles. We share the same boss----our muse----and have each other's back when writer's block rears its ugly head, threatening our job security. We also share virtual cups of coffee while we bitch about our kids and the amount of calories there are in a single glass of wine.

WEIGHT:  Sitting at my computer for 12 hours a day has taken a toll on my body. My butt has become the shape of the chair that I sit on, and my stomach is doing double duty as a kangaroo pouch. It's also a crumb catcher when I eat at my desk. I need one of those treadmills that holds a laptop so that I can run and work at the same time. Dangle a piece of bacon on a hook in front of me and I'll run even faster. I may never be thin again, but at least I'll be able to outrun most of the joggers in my neighborhood, especially if the scent of bacon is in the air.

TIME MANAGEMENT: I've become very selfish with my time since I started writing. In the past, whenever one of my kids needed assistance with homework or a ride to their after school activities, I dropped whatever I was doing to help them. Now that they're older, I'm able to step back and let them handle things on their own. If I'm in the middle of a writing project and someone asks me for a favor, I tell them they'll have to take a number and wait. I hate being interrupted when I'm trying to write, and am known to turn off my phone so that I can detach from the real world in order to concentrate on the new one I'm creating with words. Sometimes though, my need for "me-time" isn't just for writing. I'm a sucker for social media and am easily hypnotized by the siren song of Facebook. But hey, I can always tell people I'm studying behavioral psychology for an upcoming article, and social media is rife with unusual behavior. I can pretty much use my writing career as an excuse to get out of doing anything. "You're having a birthday party for your Shih Tzu on Saturday? I'm so sorry, but I have a writing deadline to meet this weekend."

 CONFIDENCE: This has always been tricky for me, and was pretty much nonexistent before I became a writer. Years ago, I won several awards for my high sales volume with Avon, but honestly, it wasn't that much of a challenge to sell miracle creams and lipsticks. Women are always hungry for any product that will make them look younger and feel sexy. Writing is the hardest profession I've ever attempted, because I'm at the mercy of my muse, and my success is based on my readership. There are plenty of days when I don't feel like writing, but I push myself to do it. If I don't write, I feel hollow inside. My career is an emotional yo-yo---the days I'm able to sell my work to topnotch literary sites, I'm ready to bust out a bottle of champagne. But with success there are also failures, and I take every one of my rejections to heart. During those times, I want to hide in a blanket fort and eat an undisclosed amount of Hershey's Kisses to soothe my bruised ego.

     For the most part, the highs of my writing career outweigh the lows, and I'm happier than I've ever been before. Seeing an article that I've written go viral means far more to me than a first place trophy for sales in cosmetics. After all, face creams make us look great on the surface, but a good book touches us deep down in our souls.

     Choosing a career as a professional writer has been worth every penny.....kangaroo pouch and all.

   
    Do you like to read humor? Do you need a little pick-me-up to get yourself out of the doldrums? They say laughter is the best medicine for what ails us, so why not escape the heat of the summer (and all the stress of politicians bashing one another in the news) with something that is guaranteed to put a smile on your face?

     I have the perfect remedy to restore your sense of humor. For a limited time, you can STEAL MY SPANDEX at the low price of just .99 cents for the ebook version, which is available on Amazon and on Barnes & Noble.

     If you buy my book, here's a little summary of what you can expect between the pages:

"Who Stole My Spandex? is a witty selection of stories from Doyle’s madcap world of menopausal pitfalls, wardrobe malfunctions, and a family full of pranksters. This clever compilation includes laugh-out-loud pieces like "Queen of Klutz,” "One Size Fits None," and "Hands off my Egg Roll!" From couples' colonoscopies to nightmare holidays to disappearing spandex, no topic—no matter how crazy or unimaginable—is too taboo. With a heavy dose of self-deprecating humor, and a dash of sentiment, this marvelous collection of anecdotes will resonate with anyone who’s ever felt the call of nature at exactly the wrong time. Welcome to the nuthouse that Marcia Kester Doyle calls home."

     Still need some convincing? Check out what these reviewers had to say about WHO STOLE MY SPANDEX? LIFE IN THE HOT FLASH LANE:

     I featured today's guest blogger awhile ago on my site and she has never failed to make me smile over the shenanigans that occur on her blog. I've been reading the hilarious posts written by Alyson Herzig's of The Shitastrophy for several years now, and I highly recommend her brand of humor to anyone looking for a good belly laugh. Her Facebook fan page is a riot, too---she posts some of the best memes I've ever seen on social media. 

     Please welcome Alyson to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love. I think her guest post will resonate with many of us who struggle with dieting (and often fail) but still maintain a sense of humor through it all.   

1. Remember there is a 'healthy' bag of chips in the pantry. Curse whoever beat you to the bag of Apple Chips and ate it without leaving a single trace. I got my eyes on the 10 year old.
2. Find a bag of semi-healthy chips, revel in the happiness it hasn’t been eaten.
3. Get small bowl out and transfer a respectable handful of chips into the bowl.
4. Realize you will not want to get out of your chair to refill the bowl, upgrade to the next size bowl. It’s all about control. I will only eat what is in THIS bowl. I swear.
5. Sit down, eat entire bowl in less than five minutes.
6. Get up, after denying you want any more for three excruciating minutes, and refill the bowl.

• Spend half a second considering downgrading to smaller bowl, laugh at the possibility.

7. Sit with beer and try to ‘pace’ my chip eating. Sip of beer, couple of chips.
8. Move chips from table to arm of chair, the closer the better for non-stop chip ingestion.
9. Realize you’re shoveling Sea Salt Pita Chips at a gold medal clip.
   • Move chips back to table, institute Pintrest distraction technique.
   • Ogle decorations for small front porches. Wonder who these ladies are that can turn that into THAT and why am I not friends with someone who can do THAT for me?
10. Take sip of beer.
11. Realize my chips are sitting just next to my beer.
12. Eat chips, move chips back to armrest, drink beer.
13. Repeat until bowl and beer are empty.
14. Get up for refills, grab bag of chips consider pouring some into bowl but accept that you're going to eat the whole bag of crunchy awesomeness.
15. Grab beer, head back to recliner, sit back with my two vices and think, "tomorrow's another day."

So that’s how I’m doing on the diet, you can relate...right?

     I'm thrilled to feature today's guest writer on the blog! Yes, she is another humorist I met two years ago at my first Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop convention in Dayton, and we met up again this past April for the 2016 conference. Gina Valley writes hilarious posts on her blog, ginavalley.com The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom. We sat together during many of the classes and meals at EBWW and I had to control myself from laughing too loudly at some of her remarks. I love her quick wit and her ability to take an ordinary situation and turn into an entertaining story. The post she is sharing here is a great example of this.

     If you're looking for a good belly laugh, be sure and stop by her site. In the meantime, please welcome Gina to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love. Enjoy!

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today 12 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in their homes. Come on in and buzz around my house to see what we've been up to!





"I can't eat this hospital food. The hamburger patty is too hard to chew and I'm afraid I won't be able to get it down without choking on it."
"That's because I just saw some guy down the hall pulling the heel off his shoe and putting it on a hamburger bun."

"Why do you take a nap on the couch an hour or two before going to bed at night?"
"It's a part of my 'Pre-Sleep' ritual."

"That breakfast burrito went through me like a breakfast torpedo."

"I think the kids are plotting to kill me. Every time I step into the living room and see that creepy, gigantic Valentine's bear on the couch, I think it's a stranger in the house and my heart stops."

"You carry enough cheese sticks in your purse to open your own dairy farm."

"I just ate two turkey burgers and now I have the entire bird stuck in my teeth. I don't think the floss I need has been invented yet that can pull this bird out of my food trap."

"My muse is in overdrive and I'm on fire."
"Quick---somebody hand me a fire extinguisher!"

"What is it with boys? Hover boards, an office chair and sparklers equal a scary night on our street. God help us all."

"A balanced diet is a cupcake in each hand."

"Sorry I didn't respond to your text. My mind wandered off and I forgot."
"Wandered off? I think it left for good."

"I ate too much piccadilly tonight. I'm crop dusting beans and rice everywhere I walk. "

"What's the matter with you? Every man has lighter fluid in his garage."
"What are you, a dinosaur? Coals and lighter fluid went out after the 60's. Everyone uses propane grills now. "

"Of course I won't tell anyone what happened. I understand the girl code of silence."
"Since when do girls know how to keep silent?"

Well, there you go, folks! Another crazy month at the Doyle abode. And yes, this girl can't keep silent. Why do you think I'm a writer??



****WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm delighted to have my first ever feature on Elephant Journal, and it's a POEM! Yes, in a former life before writing humor, I wrote poetry. You can read my poem "Leaving" here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/02/leaving-poem/
I also have a NEW blog post up this week on Bonbon Break titled, "Mirror mirror On The Wall, I Am My Mother After All." You can read it here: http://www.bonbonbreak.com/mirror-mirror-wall-mother


Buzz around these other participating sites for a peek into some other homes: