Menopausal Mother

   
I like rodents. I feed squirrels by hand in my garden and have a menagerie of nocturnal critters in my home. At one point our family owned 2 albino rats, a sugar glider (flying squirrel), 7 chinchillas, a hedgehog and one lard ass rabbit....proof that I do indeed like rodents. I do NOT, however, like the uninvited ones who take a detour into my house. I grew up watching horror movies like Willard and Ben, and like every child from that era, had nightmares of rats descending on my body, gnawing off a limb or two, picking my bones clean.

 Welcome to my fourth posting of the Fly On The Wall series, hosted by Karen at http://www.bakinginatornado.com. There are 12 courageous bloggers participating today, and they're allowing you a little peak into their private lives.
     My family is wising up to my sneaky ways and I'll admit, it's getting a little more difficult to eavesdrop on their conversations. However, they haven't figured out yet that I am a dog whisperer. My bad ass pug is really a spy who picks up their conversations and then reports everything back to me. But he also has the worst gas known to mankind and can clear a room in three seconds flat. Here are some snippets of conversation he texted me from his iBone phone:

     "Why is there a pirate patch in the laundry? Somebody doing some kinky role playing?"


     "Hurry up and eat your bacon before it turns back into a pig."

     "Menopausal Flogging---it's what men during the medieval period did to their wives when they were going through menopause and misbehaving."



     "Watching you prepare your Chinese takeout food on a dinner plate is like watching the Pope preparing the Holy Sacrament."

     "You don't need weight training---I'll bet your right arm is already huge from opening the refrigerator door so many times."



     " I want a free, catheter sample pack for Father's day!"

     "He doesn't have toenails. He has gnome nails."

     "Since there was no such thing as hot flash or mood swing remedies back in caveman days, I'll bet the neanderthals offered suspicious herbs to their wives and told them to smoke it in order to relax."
     "Either that or they rubbed their wives down with poison ivy to distract them."



     "Yes, our goat-dog ate part of a tin can lid, reading glasses, a plastic container and his own poop. We believe in recycling here."



     "You're not a mom anymore. Your kids are all grown."
     "So what does that make me, a faux mom?"

     "There's holes in the underarms of all my t-shirts."
     "That's because your stink blew them out!"

     "If gnomes get mad, are they called 'gnow-mads'? "

     "When that kid poops, the whole house smells like he dropped a Hiroshima odor bomb!"



     "Getting my wife to sit still is like trying to trap an angry badger."

     "Stop hanging out with kids who try to duct tape your legs together!"

     "Why do you have so many masks?"
     "They match all my different personalities."
     "Or you're a Zorro wanna-be."



     "Why the hell did you buy the dog a pig's ear to gnaw on? He keeps dropping that slimy thing in my lap."
     "You should be used to slimy things in your lap. And besides, you know you can't get mad at him--he's pugalicious..."


     "Could you please stop singing Kumbaya in the voice of the cowardly lion from the Wizard Of Oz? You're giving me a Kumbaya headache."


     After spending a day in the asylum I call home, you'll either want a bottle of tequila or a lobotomy.....or maybe just a free, catheter sample pack....




Here are the 12 bloggers participating today in Fly On The Wall. Give them some sugar and tell them that  Meno Mama sent ya!

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                                 

  It's Secret Subject Swap day again, the brain child of Karen at http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt today comes from one of my favorite blogging buddies, Sarah at http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com. And oh boy, did she nail me on this! The prompt question is: "A video just went viral on YouTube. You were in it! Tell the story in whatever manner you wish, such as: How did this happen? What was in the video? What was your reaction?"
 It's that time again---Secret Subject Swap Friday, the brain child of Karen at

     Meno Mama stayed up with the owls last night, not because of a hot flash, but a news flash! I'm a guest this morning on MessyMoms Radio! I know you are shaking your heads in denial about my new title as a Messy Mom, but just because I organize my spice rack alphabetically doesn't mean that my closets are neat or that my desk drawer doesn't look like rodents have been nesting in there for years. Hey, I'm not perfect---no mother is, and that's the message MessyMoms Radio wants you to know.
     I'll be interviewed by Danielle and Brandy, the awesome ladies who created the show and share their wisdom of messy motherhood with others.  They tackle a wide variety of topics such as new mom stress, sibling rivalry, the chemicals in cleaning supplies, gun ownership, the American education system and much more.
     Messy Moms also sends a clear message to all the mothers out there who are struggling to "do it all" and "be all":  Got a load of laundry taller than Mount Vesuvius, or tooth paste splatter on the mirror resembling a Jackson Pollock painting? Fuggedaboudit! Go outside and toss a ball with your kids, or build a blanket tent under the dining room table. Life is messy, but the mess can wait. You're children won't.  Enjoy these special moments with them now while they're still young. And if you're lucky, when they're teenagers, they can help you pick up the mess!

     Tune in on Thursday, April 11 from 10:00am -11:00am to hear the show. If you miss it, check out the archives to hear it again!   http://www.blogtalkradio.com/messymomsradio/2013/04/11/how-many-kids-and-counting          For more information, visit their blog at: http://www.messymomsradio.com
     Know any other messy moms who like to confess about their mess? Nominate them (or even yourself!) by visiting the site.

 
 There's one in every family. The prankster. The one who gives us gray hairs. The one who breaks our heart, then turns around and mends it with his unconditional love. The one you stare at, scratch your head and say, "Are you my child or was I impregnated by an alien during a UFO abduction I can't recall?"
    Yeah, that's my youngest child.  He pulled his first prank by making his appearance into this world several weeks early, disrupting my delivery of 80 Thanksgiving cookies to the local elementary school.
     He was a sweet baby until he figured out what his legs were for. Overnight my Passive Prince sprouted octopus arms and roving hands. My reigning title as "The Good Mother" quickly changed to my Indian name, She-Who-Drinks-And-Swears-A-Lot. There wasn't a baby gate or door my Baby Terminator couldn't conquer. He never played with toys. He liked forks. And electrical outlets. He was like a drug sniffing dog when it came to finding sharp objects, poisonous bug repellents and frayed wires. You know you have a problem when your kid giggles over a little jolt of electricity running through his body. I never thought he'd live to see his second birthday.

     My son also had a quick temper (no clue where THAT came from). It simmered beneath a calm exterior until he was ready to strike like a cobra at his unsuspecting victims. No one was safe from the objects this miniature Hulk could hurl across the room----irons, dictionaries, toasters, a large Barbie car....even worse, his frequent attempts to baptize us with the dirty, brown water off of a used, toilet brush. I thought for certain his three, older siblings would kill him before he saw his third birthday.


     Sir Poops A Lot was turning into my rebel child, and there were not enough parenting manuals in the world to teach me how to handle a kid who risked his life on a daily basis. His experiments with fire, electricity and odd ball inventions were enough to keep me homebound for years.



     My son dislocated his shoulder as a baby and fractured his wrist when he was five from a fall off a swing. Fast forward to elementary school when the principal called to tell me my child thought it was a good idea to bring a knife to school for show and tell. Yeah, I must have missed that memo about  my husband's BRILLIANT idea to give our little boy a camping knife (man cave secrets, be damned!).

     During the God-awful middle school years, my son wore the low slung jeans with the torn hems dragging on the ground. Gangsta Boy. I threatened to burn the pants....while he was still in them. Late to class one morning, he ran to beat the bell and tripped over those pants...just like I knew he would. Off we went to the hospital to have a metal screw put into his damaged hip bone. Needless to say, his wardrobe only consisted of shorts after paying that hefty medical bill.

     When he was 14, my son decided to run away, rather than face being grounded for a poor report card.  That afternoon when he didn't return home after school, I was suddenly thrust into the surreal world of every parent's worst nightmare; my son had simply vanished from sight. For hours the police and county officials swarmed our house and scoured the area for our boy. There is nothing more frightening than receiving an Amber Alert on your phone about your own, missing child. And  nothing more heartbreaking than watching his father fall to his knees in our backyard garden, begging God to safely return our son home.
     After many agonizing hours of nail biting, tears, pacing and bargaining with God, the police found our boy on a Greyhound Bus bound for Orlando. They said we were lucky that he survived the trip unscathed. My prior fear turned into a confused tangle of relief and outrage over what my son had done. I felt the little hairs on my head turning whiter by the minute.
     Since that fretful day several years ago, we made some major changes in our son's life that drastically improved his behavior and attitude.

Music and weight lifting are his passion now, and his sense of humor and enthusiasm is what often gets me through the day. He is strong as an ox and very protective of his mother.
     But this cat is still pushing the envelope on the nine lives thing. Just in the past 6 months, he was injured in biking accident when he collided with another cyclist. Shortly after that, he was hit by a car while biking down to the beach. The car suffered more damage than my son---it was no match for my Arnold Schwarzenegger offspring.
     It was the last incident, however, that threatened to turn my hair completely white and send me into cardiac arrest. Another one of of my husband's BRILLIANT ideas was to give our boy a special pellet gun that looked exactly like an AK47. My son was out front shooting targets on the sidewalk---probably not the smartest idea since we live only a few doors down from a school and this occurred shortly after the Sandy Hook incident. My peaceful afternoon was shattered by the sound of screeching tires and a loud voice booming from a megaphone, "DROP THE GUN AND PUT YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR!" Our street was barricaded by four police cars and six officers, one with a gun drawn on my son. I stood by the window, frozen in horror as my boy slowly lowered the gun and walked backwards down the sidewalk with his hands held high in the air. In a flash, one of the officers snapped handcuffs on his wrists. There was that brief moment when our eyes met through the window, and I could see the fear and bewilderment in his eyes. I couldn't move---my legs felt like wet noodles---but my husband had already rushed out the door to quickly explain that it was just a pellet gun, not an assault rifle.
     While I stood on the porch, wondering if anyone knew CPR to resuscitate my heart, my husband was busy JOKING with the police, telling them they could keep our son for a few days because the cost of feeding him rivaled that of feeding the entire Chicago Bears football team.


     I never know what my boy will think up next to keep himself entertained. Which is why I shudder every time he climbs into a car with his friends. Although he is often the typical, unpredictable and annoying teenager,  he is also loyal, loving, artistic, compassionate....and best of all, he knows how to operate a lawn mower, vacuum, dishwasher, washing machine and the grill. His uniqueness is what makes him one of the most fascinating people I know, and I'm proud to call him my son.
     By my calculations, he still hasn't used up all nine lives....and I'm still sprouting gray hairs.
 

     You know what I love about living in the blogosphere (besides the virtual cups of coffee, giant chocolate bars and margaritas we send each other)? Most bloggers are NICE PEOPLE. They visit your site, get comfortable on your couch and share their witty comments on your page. They are a talented bunch who fearlessly share their secrets and dreams, along with their most embarrassing moments just for our entertainment. And they love to share their appreciation of other bloggers by nominating their peers for various awards, or featuring them on their sites and retweeting their statuses. Not only am I pleased to be able to share some awards today with my fellow bloggers, I'd also like to give a big shout-out to Sandra over at http://www.awriterweavesatale.com who just launched her online magazine, The Woven Tale Press, at http://issuu.com/awriterweavesatale/docs/woventaleissue_1. I am honored that she chose one of my posts to appear in her beautiful literary magazine. When you get a chance, please be sure to check out Sandra's blog and subscribe to her magazine!

     Now, onto the awards.....the first one I received was the Liebster. I was actually given this one twice by two amazing bloggers: Darla from Mom's World at: http://camomsworld.blogspot.com and Angela at: http://mylifeinthenutthouse.blogspot.com. Normally this award is reserved for a blogger who has less than 200 followers. I'm well over that limit, but I'm accepting these Liebsters because it gives me the ability to return the love to some bloggers who are new to me and who deserve some love. As with any award, there are certain rules that apply to the Liebster:




1. Each nominee must post 11 facts about themselves.
2. Nominees must answer 11 questions the tagger has given to them, and then create 11 new ones to pass down to the bloggers they then nominate.
3. Display award logo on your site and link back to the person who gave it to you.
4. Choose 11 bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award on to and link them in your post.
5. Notify your nominees.

     Rather than answer Darla's 11 questions and another 11 from Angela, I'm going to shorten this by combining some of their questions for your sake, so you don't fall into a coma while reading this lengthy post. Here they are:

1. What Time Do You Normally Go To Bed?  I don't. I'm nocturnal. I was raised by owls.


2.  Do You Like Men With Hairy Chests Or Smooth Chests?  Wait, what? Seriously? If you must know, I like both. I'm far more interested in the look, shape and feel of a man's hands.

3.  Do You Have Any Collections?  If you have to ask this, then you haven't been reading my blog. My house is overrun with squirrel paraphernalia. Toss in a bunch of dragons, too, and you get the picture. Obviously both of my feet are NOT planted firmly in reality.

4.  What Kind Of Music Do You Listen To?  I like old school rock, top 40, country, classical...but I need to listen to dubstep while I clean the house. Currently, my all time fave song is Swedish House Mafia's "Don't You Worry Child".  I like to listen to it while I work out at the gym.

5.  Did You Go To College, And If So, Did You Graduate?  Yes--four years and graduated with a
B.F.A. in Creative Writing. I attended a private women's college in Missouri (my parents knew a hell raiser when they saw one, and decided it would be for my own good to be sheltered away in a school that still had dorm curfews). Little did they know that I spent the majority of my time across the street at the University Of Missouri.....raising hell, just a they feared.

6.  Are You Happy With The Way You Life Is Going Now?  As much as any middle-aged, menopausal woman can be. But I'd be a lot happier if you sent me a box of chocolates. Oh, and yellow roses. Those are my favorites, too....just in case you needed to know....

7.  What's Your Most Frustrating Moment In The Morning?  Putting in my contacts. They feel like sandpaper going in and I cuss like a gutter rat every time I do it.

8.  What's The Best Job You Have Ever Had? When I was filling in at Poet Magazine as a judge for a poetry chapbook competition.

 9.  What Is The Worst Job You Ever Had? That's a toss up between telephone operator and dental assistant. Trust me, you don't want to start off your day with a warm, gooey set of dentures in your hand.

10.  Why Did You Start Blogging?  It was either that or be a Chia Pet assembler.

11.  What Do You Like Most About A Man?  Humor. Nice hands. And the eyes. I'm a sucker for brown eyes. The make me want to swoon.


11 FUN MENO MAMA FACTS  (I've done this stuff so many times now, I think y'all know me better than my own family...certainly more than my kids EVER want to know about me)

* I'm hypoglycemic. I never leave the house without a protein bar in my purse, car or pocket.

* I hate driving. I'd be totally content with a horse and buggy, but only if it comes with air conditioning.

* I'm a really good cook and baker---I just can't eat any of it or else I'll swell up like the Michelin Man.

* The majority of the clothes in my closet are black. Not because I'm goth---because they're slimming.

* I have some colorful ancestors in my family tree, including George Armstrong Custer and Robert R. Livingston.

* I studied hypnosis years ago and am pretty good at it. I used to hypnotize all my friends. It made things pretty interesting around here.

* My husband was adopted---I tracked down his birth mother years ago and helped arrange of them to meet.

* I have a weird fascination with anything related to WWI . I am also a Titanic enthusiast.

* I like cowboys and country boys. I've been heavily influenced by Tim McGraw...what female wouldn't be?

* I don't ride roller coasters. Even Splash Mountain at Disney World is a stretch for me.

     Still with me? Here's the 11 questions for the nominees:

1. What's the dumbest thing  you've done in the past 6 months?
2. What's your all-time favorite movie and why?
3. What do you consider attractive in a person?
4. What is the one food you've eaten too much of and gotten sick on?
5. What is one of your biggest regrets?
6. What is the ugliest outfit you've ever worn?
7. What's the worst haircut you've ever had?
8. Have you ever owned a Chia Pet or a Pet Rock?
9. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? If so, how fast where you going?
10. Have you ever had a bodily function accident while you were out in public?
11. What's your worst phobia?

FINALLY!! Here are my 11 nominees for the Liebster Award:

http://momrantsandcomfypants.wordpress.com
http://traciwhitingisley.blogspot.com
http://gailsforum.com
http://outsmartedmommy.com
http://awriterweavesatale.com
http://suzq-vintagous.blogspot.com
http://mjrockbottom.blogspot.com
http://kyleandjensmith.blogspot.com
http://www.sippycupsandbooze.com
http://bohemianbabushka.blogspot.com
http://simplyathomemom.com


     My next award is the Very Inspiring Award from Gail over at http://Gailsforum.com. Thanks, Gail! Hang in there, folks--this is an easy one.  Here's the rules:


1. Display award logo on blog.
2. Link back to the person who gave you the award.
3. State 7 things about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link back to them.

7 MORE FUN FACTS ABOUT MENO MAMA

* I never got asked to my senior prom. No regrets. Spent the evening raising hell with my gal pals in downtown Ft.Lauderdale.

* I'm obsessed with the moon, but not in a creepy, werewolf sort of way. I don't howl at it or sprout
unruly facial hair.

* I almost named my blog, "Margarita Mama." Yes, I love tequila. Don't judge.

* My house and backyard garden are inhabited by friendly "spirits," and I don't mean the alcoholic kind. Don't ask.

*  I'm an old-fashioned kind of woman who would love to be June Cleaver for a day because I could really rock the apron, pearls and high heels look.

*  My pug licks everybody's knee caps when they sit down on the couch.

*  I'd sell my left kidney right now for a Cadbury Egg. I'm dieting, people! What do you expect???

     And the 15 bloggers I nominate of this award are:

http://mylifeinthenutthouse.blogspot.com
http://morethanmommies.net
http://www.sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms.com
http://janinehuldie.com
http://akashicwindow.blogspot.com
http://camomsworld.blogspot.com
http://mjrockbottom.blogspot.com
http://smn0409.blogspot.com
http://www.stephaniesprenger.com
http://www.momlessmom.com
http://traciwhitingisley.blogspot.com
http://www.newenglishmuminamerica.com
http://mt2sm.blogspot.com
http://slusworld.blogspot.com
http://jeneralinsanity.com


    This last award is fairly new, the Epically Awesome Award, and I received it from one of the funniest bloggers I know and whom I refer to as "Ham Girl" (she knows why). Thank you, Sarah, at:
http://sadderbutwisergirl.wordpress.com. The rules are also easy for this one:


1. Display award logo.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. State 10 things about you.
4. Nominate 10 other bloggers.

THE LAST 10 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MENO MAMA:

* I'm a renaissance festival freak. I never miss a weekend when the show is in town, and I own 4 different gowns for the occasion. HUZZAH!

*  I love to dance, but seldom get the chance. I joined a gym recently and go to zumba classes. Yeah, this dinosaur can still get low & booty shake with the rest of the ladies in the class!

*  I fell in love with dragons when I was little because of the Puff The Magic Dragon song. Still makes me sad when I hear it.

*  Meno Mama has a dark side few people have seen...trust me, you don't want to....bwhahaha!

*  I have a terrible fear of drowning. I can't look at a picture of a tidal wave without getting slightly nauseous. No surfing for Meno Mama.

*  I wish I had been a teenager in the 1950's just so I could drive around in a pink, 1956 T-bird. One of these days I plan on owning one.

*  I purposely try to fatten up everyone who comes to my house to eat. I'm often mistaken for an Italian mother...

*  Sometimes I laugh about things at inopportune moments...and then I can't stop. Awkward....

*  I love carnivals---the games, the candied apples and the fast rides..as long as my feet don't leave the ground.

     Now, the Epically Awesome bloggers I nominate of this award are:

http://www.rantingseriously.com
http://mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com
http://jonwhiting55.blogspot.com
http://keepinyouout.blogspot.com
http://badwordmom.blogspot.com
http://modmombeyondindiedom.blogspot.com
http://taoofpoop.blogspot.com
http://lettersfromlaunna.blogspot.com
http://www.myhalfassedlife.com
http://theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com

     Congratulations to each of you, and to my dear readers if you actually made it all the way to the end of the post without falling into a coma. Now go sprinkle your love on some other, deserving bloggers!











   

     Welcome to my third group blog posting of Fly On The Wall, hosted by Karen at http://www.bakinginatornado.com There are 13 bloggers courageous enough to spill their guts participate today in this little exercise in embarrassment.
     Whenever I know a Fly On The Wall posting is due, I go into stealth mode and listen in on family conversations. One of these days they're going to change all the locks on the house and leave my suitcases outside filled with nothing but dirty under ware.
     There are certain things in our home that we WISH we could update/trade/ban for eternity, but we can't because the lottery fairy has not graced us with good luck. Just a free can of soda every now and then from the Quick Mart. We would LOVE to put ol' Bessy out to pasture and buy a new vehicle that actually has door handles, hubcaps and doesn't smell like dog pee. But for now, the old mommy mobile (which I stopped driving years ago when the air conditioner croaked and the liner started shedding like snakeskin) is here to stay a bit longer until somebody hits the right numbers on a lottery ticket. Poor Bessy has been the brunt of many bad jokes and teenage rejection/horror/embarrassment:

     "I'm not driving the stupid minivan. It's so old, it looks like a hemorrhoid on wheels."

     "Why is the van lurching at stop lights?"
     "Because that's what's called the death march of the Honda Odyssey."

     "Even though you're a guy, you'd look a whole lot sexier in that mommy mobile if you weren't gnawing on a steak bone while driving down the highway."

     "The transmission is about to drop out of the minivan. Don't blame me if it happens today with the kids at the drive-through zoo when we get stuck in the rhino section during feeding time."


     Then there are things I overhear when all my adult children are in town visiting. Which is why I keep pen and paper nearby at all times. They think I suffer from menopausal memory loss and assume I'm just writing down items for the grocery list. Uh-huh. Somehow the conversations in our home always turn weird. And gross. If you have a strong stomach, then read on. Don't say I didn't warn you.


     "I've heard of butt floss before but this dog puts a whole new spin on it when he eats dental floss and poops out a connected trail of sausage links."

     "Stop speaking with a Jamaican accent. You weren't born in the Caribbean. You were dropped in the middle of a cornfield in Missouri when the mother ship rejected you."

     "I drank too much whiskey last night. I feel like a piece of burnt toast that has been sitting out on the counter all week and gnawed on by rabid gerbils."


     "You like your pets better than you like your kids."
     "Damn right, because they don't talk back."

     "I'm so impacted that even my breath smells like crap."
     "Then go give yourself a mouthwash enema."

     "Why is the dog stalking me?"
     "You're eating a steak. He's in predator mode."

     "You need to stop being an emotional doormat."
     "I don't mind, as long as I get free margaritas out of it."

     "She always rubs her corns on his feet when they go to bed. She says she's making corn dip."

     "Forget Irritable Bowel Syndrome. You have a case of Irritable Spouse Syndrome."

     " Go brush your hair---nocturnal creatures are nesting in there."

     "Why do you look like a Viking who just woke up after slaying a village?"


     "I just sucked down that icy drink so fast, I think my colon is frozen."

     "Every morning I end up behind the same, red truck on the way to work. The driver has a nasty sign across the back window that reads, 'Cummin' not strokin'.' Is this a bad omen?"
     "Not unless you plan on marrying him."

     "I don't see how you can get drunk all day during the game, gorge on junk food, and then do it all over again at night."
     "Easily. I have a billy goat belly."


     "I have to poop so bad, I'm going to start doing the Harlem Poop Shake."

     Welcome to the Looney Bin I call home! Please be sure to visit all the bloggers participating in the Fly today!