I don't make New Year's resolutions for the simple fact that I suck at keeping promises to myself. I'm great at doing if for others, just not for me. I could tell you stories of failed resolutions and show you the proof: workout sneakers that are so heavily coated in cobwebs that they resemble Mothra cocoons. An anorexic bank account (savings fail) and moldy vegetables crusting the bottom drawer of my refrigerator (diet fail). Just count the discarded McDonald's wrappers underneath my car seat and you'll quickly figure out how well I stuck to last year's weight loss goals.
     I've decided to skip the whole resolutions thing so that no one can hold me to them twelve months from now. Instead, I'm listing the things that I would LIKE to see happen in 2014 if I'm lucky enough to have the planets align in my favor. Or the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny meet at a Wishes-R-Us convention and vote to change the Chinese calendar. 2014 can be The Year Of The Menopausal Mother. Maybe then these hopes and dreams of mine will come true.

SLEEP:  I need more if it. I'm tired of being shocked awake by the scary reflection that greets me each morning in the bathroom mirror. The dark circles under my eyes have me wondering if I'm sleep walking into a boxing ring each night.

EXERCISE:  I'm already a fan of Zumba class despite the fact that the latest dance moves aren't the only thing I'm busting out. Think of two alley cats fighting in a burlap gunny sack and that pretty much illustrates what's going on in my workout attire while I'm jumping around. Nevertheless, I will continue to shake the generous portions of my body that God gave me and attempt to add a little jogging to my treadmill routine. I probably won't be able to get out of bed for a few days afterwards, but at least it'll prevent me from wearing a deeper path in the carpet from my mattress to the refrigerator.

LESS HOARDING:  Animals, that is. Every year some orphaned, nocturnal creature ends up on my doorstep. There's a reason I have a Certified Wildlife Sanctuary sign posted in my front yard. This year The Hubs has decided to replace it with a new sign: JUST SAY NO TO WAYWARD, PREGNANT RODENTS.

LIBATION LIMITATION:  Okay, I've NEVER been able to stick with this resolution but it sounds good when I tell people that I'll try. I'm a firm believer that drinking should be limited to weekends and special occasions. The problem is that in my household, if all the laundry gets folded and put away by Tuesday, THAT'S a special occasion. So is a successful deworming session with the dogs and an argument-free dinner with my 18 year old. In short, I find blessings each day that deserve a little celebration. Uncork the champagne, Honey---I found the matching lids for every plastic food container in the house!

SUGAR FREE:  This is a really tough one to stick to. Sugar should be in a food group of its own. I love sweets and will eat just about anything covered in chocolate. Except insects. I'd rather chew on a toenail dipped in chocolate than eat something with six legs and a set of wings. I'm also praying those were chocolate raisins I snacked on earlier and not something scraped up from the bottom of the rabbit's cage.

LESS INTERNET TIME:  I need to spend less time on the computer and more time with my family. Facebook is the seductress who sucks me into hours of status updates and page lurking. Pinterest tempts me with glossy food photos and recipes sure to add more pounds to the permanent, inflatable tire I call my waistline. I also need to limit my blog stalking habit. It's akin to party hopping at all my favorite friend's homes….the only thing missing is the wine. Then there are the numerous emails, which are a nuisance that bring out my OCD tendencies. Each time my phone alerts me to a new notification, I have to drop what I'm doing, read it and then delete it to keep my inbox clutter-free. Too bad I don't have the same motivation when it comes to my pantry or my laundry room.

SAVE MONEY:  Another tough resolution to stick to because of little things like car repairs, the kids' education, weeping toilets and ornery washing machines. Right now I have a dryer that screams like a wild banshee being tortured by rabid gophers every time I throw a load of laundry into it. Chances are I'll need to buy a new one soon. There goes my savings for the Elvis Presley Graceland plate collection.

     There are plenty of other things I'm striving for in 2014. I'd like to be more patient, less judgmental, more forgiving and less moody. These are all admirable traits I need to work on because of the ignorant, insensitive people in life who make me want to force their enrollment in a Richard Simmons "Sweating To The Oldies" workshop.
     Here's to 2014! May all your wishes come true….and may you never have to use the deworming medicine on yourself.



*Want more Meno Mama? I'm getting serious for once at In The Powder Room today about an unrealistic New Year's resolution that is close to my heart. Check it out: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2014-01-weighted-new-years-resolution.html

**One favor I need to ask you, dear readers: I was nominated as a top 50 funny parent blogger at Voice Boks. If you can take the time to click on the link below (or the blue badge on my sidebar just below my bio), scroll down the alphabetized blog list to the Menopausal Mom name and click on the heart next to it----that counts as a vote. Only one vote per person. I would be VERY grateful for the love and support. Thank you so much! http://voiceboks.com/top-50-hilariously-funny-nominated-parent-bloggers-2014/

 
   I'm ringing in the New Year with one of the funniest bloggers I know! Please welcome Tracy Cliburn Georges of http://www.crazyasnormal.com. Her wacky sense of humor resonates with me and I'm betting once you start reading her blog, you'll be going back for more of this talented writer's quirky wit. Get ready to get your laugh on and leave this awesome lady some comment love.

     Meno Mama is spending the holiday with her crazy family at the nuthouse, so in the meantime I wanted to leave you with a funny guest post I wrote a few months ago for my gal pal Stephanie over at http://whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com. This is a memory from a long time ago…one I'm not too proud of but fortunately am able to laugh at myself for doing the things that I did back then. What can I say? I was young and stupid at the time……



We planned it for months. It was to be the birthday party to end all parties. I bought a beautiful, white silk pantsuit with lace and hand sewn seed pearls on the front for the momentous occasion. The bar, disc jockey and baby sitter had all been reserved, along with a food and decorating committee. On THE BIG DAY, my brother surprised me with a bottle of Dom Perignon ( nectar of the gods) and my husband had a brand, spanking new minivan delivered to our home. It was the perfect day….and I don’t do well with perfection. Because somehow I find a way to screw it up. Two hours before the party started, The Hubs was in the driveway signing the papers with the car salesman. The cold bottle of Dom was calling my name from the refrigerator. I drank the first glass while I finished putting on my makeup. I drank the second (and third) while I was curling my hair. By the time I was pouring my fourth, The Hubs finished the deal and handed me the keys to my new birthday present. I didn’t eat before the party because I’d been dieting so that I wouldn’t look like the Michelin Man in my white pantsuit. I think you know where I’m going with this: champagne + empty stomach = TROUBLE. By the time we arrived at the club, my nerves kicked in at the prospect of hosting a party for 50 people. I quickly marched up to the bar to place my order. My brain started screaming, “NOOO!” the minute my mouth shouted ,”Sex On The Beach!” I NEVER drank that cocktail combination! Someone slipped the bartender a few extra bills to make the drink stronger for the birthday girl. Yeah, like I needed that. I pinched my nose and chugged the drink to calm my nervous excitement. Oh vodka, you fickle bitch, convincing women they can move like a pole dancer on the floor to any pulsating beat from a DJ’s sound system. The siren song of alcohol warped my perception, leading me to believe I was as sexy as Cat Woman in a snug, white pantsuit. I sidled up to every male in the room (including the janitor and a skitterish waiter) like a wolf in heat. The Hubs was busy playing host and didn’t seem to mind that his wife was quickly turning into a party train wreck. That evening, 20 years ago, is still a blur to me. I remember stumbling through some horrid line dances and stepping on many toes. I never got to blow out the candles or taste the birthday cake because I was too busy ralphing up Sex On The Beach in the toilet. My beautiful, white pantsuit turned into a Jackson Pollock painting with red cranberry juice splatters all over the fabric. I DO remember my sister and my best friend holding my hair out of my face so that I wouldn’t wake the next morning with puke-encrusted strands. It took several men to carry me down a flight of stairs to the minivan and believe me, this scene was nothing like Madonna’s “Material Girl” music video where all the male dancers are carrying the sexy, writhing singer down the stairs. Oh, I was writhing all right; writhing in agony because my stomach had not finished giving up the ghost. I learned the next day that everyone happily carried on without me and (thankfully) no lap dances were performed. After I woke from my alcohol induced coma with a headache reminiscent of electro shock therapy, I crawled to the phone to start my long list of apologies to the guests. Moral of the story: tequila might make a woman’s clothes fall off, but Dom makes me dumb and vodka makes me vampy. Next time I’ll wear camo to the party to hide my upchuck imperfections.


***Please check out my pugalicious Christmas card to all of my dear readers today over at In The Powder Room! http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/home-time/2013-12-doyle-nut-house.html

 
      Welcome to my special Fly On The Wall holiday edition, hosted by Karen of http://www.bakinginatornado.com. We've made the fly quite dizzy this month with our frenzied holiday  preparations. He might have landed in my spiked eggnog the other day, so don't believe everything he tells you that he overheard in my home. It's probably the rum talking.

"Oh good, it's Christmas! Time to play my favorite holiday board game, 'Gorge, Party And Purge.'"

"Elves are the illegitimate children of Mrs. Claus, who was the original ho. That's why Santa yells, "Ho Ho Ho!'"

"Reindeer poop is magic fertilizer for the garden---kind of like Miracle Grow."
"Does this mean the roses will sprout antlers?"


"You have too many tubs full of holiday stuff here! You belong on Hoarders….the Christmas edition."

"Santa must have been agoraphobic. He only left his house once a year to drop off gifts and pilfer cookies."

"What is the nog in eggnog? The dregs of the egg?"

"Stop feeding the dog so much Christmas ham. Pretty soon she's going to need a pug girdle."

"I think I have a holiday yeast infection."
"Then you're out of luck because I don't think they make Monistat for men."

"He hated having to wear that tux to the party. He was practically foaming at the mouth for a beer…..it made him look like a rabid penguin."


"Are those moose knuckles in your pants or are you just happy to meet me under the mistletoe?"

"I love your holiday rum cake but it always gives me heartburn. I'll need a barrel o' Tums after eating a slice. An enema might also be in order."

"What does he want for Christmas?"
"An alligator, but it needs to be toothless."
"Why, so it can gum him to death?"

"Are you planning on spending New Year's Eve passed out on the front lawn again?"
"I wouldn't mind it as long as there aren't anymore fire ants on the grass. Last year I woke up looking like I had measles."

"What a nice surprise! A Coconut Bliss pillow from the mattress store for Christmas. It smells like vanilla cake. If I wake up a few pounds heavier tomorrow and the pillow is missing, you'll know why."


"Feeling blue during Christmas? All you need is pug therapy!"

"I  just had a two layer burp---Special K cereal on top of taco salad. I think I'll follow it up with some Christmas fudge."

"I don't need Viagra. I have you."
"Now THAT'S the holiday gift that keeps on giving!"

"Elves are the mischievous cousins of yard gnomes. Forget 'Elf On The Shelf.' We have Elf In The Butt."

"Time to upgrade your radio for Christmas, Mom. You know, they do make ones that aren't as big and heavy as a cinder block."

"I just got my period after two years, just in time for Christmas. WTH, I'm menopausal! Well played, Santa."

"Next year I want to be in the Christmas boat parade."
"Forget it---the pirate rum ships disappeared a long time ago."

"I'm not trying to be a grinch but I'm tired of putting up Christmas yard decorations. The lights always burn out and inevitably the reindeers will end up beheaded. The others have backward antlers. They're dyslexic reindeers."


     Merry Christmas from our crazy home to yours! Now put down that eggnog and go visit the other merry bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall!


***Don't forget to check out my weekly post over at In The Powder Room. I've put a new spin on some old Christmas tunes. Check out, "I'm Dreaming Of A Cheap Christmas" here: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-12-dreaming-cheap-christmas.html

     Wednesday seems to be the favorite day for guest blogging all over the blogosphere. I'm chatting about Christmas over at my good friend Starr's site http://www.theinsomniacsdream.com/2013/12/writers-retreat-tis-season.html so please stop by if you have a chance to say hello. In the meantime, many of you already know my Wacky Wednesday Writer guest today---Eli from http://coachdaddyblog.wordpress.com. Don't let the title of his blog fool you. It's not just a site for sports fans to follow up on their favorite teams.  Eli writes from a father's perspective on raising daughters, which I find to be a refreshing change from the sea of mom blogs that I read on a daily basis.   His posts vary in topic from sports, to good food, to humorous family stories. He also features a guest blogger on his site every Wednesday and has implemented an idea that he says is based on Hemingway's assertion  that any story can be told in a six-word sentence. He picks a prompt and bloggers are invited to answer the question in six words. He posts the responses on his site and it's truly amazing to see the different perspectives from each writer.

Dear Santa:

    You might remember me from last year---you know, the crazy lady who wrote a letter begging you to stuff her stocking with Prozac and M&MS? Yeah, that was me. I have a new wish list this time, so put the cookies down and listen up. You owe me that much after replacing the Prozac with a bathroom scale last year. Not funny.

 
    I've been excited for WEEKS to introduce you to today's Wacky Wednesday Writers guest! Not only is she one of the coolest bloggers out there, she also owns and loves pugs as much as I do! Please welcome my dear friend Linda Roy of http://elleroywashere.com.
    There's always great stuff going on over at Linda's site. She hosts a weekly blog hop, "I Don't Like Mondays", participates every Tuesday in "Twisted Mixtape" (featuring some of her favorite bands), and listen to this---she posts "Cocktail Saturday", where you can find the yummiest drink recipes for your weekend gatherings. This is all in addition to her regular, humorous posts.
     Linda is also one of the BUSIEST, talented writers I know. She's a managing editor at Raised On The Radio, a staff writer for Aiming Low and Lefty Pop, and to top it all off, leads the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses. I honestly don't know when this multi-talented lady has time to breathe. Maybe on the weekends over her special cocktail concoctions.
     We've been internet buddies for awhile but I am FINALLY going to meet Linda at the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop this April in Ohio. I just know Dayton will never be the same after we leave our mark there.
     Without further ado, please welcome Linda Roy to Meno Mama's site today and give her lots of pug hugs!