This month the pesky fly witnessed some interesting things. I broke my big toe, for starters. Yeah, remember Queen of Klutz? I'm living up to that title in 2015.
The fly was also buzzing around a few weeks ago when I was a nervous wreck at the NBC studios. Shortly before I was to go on the set for a live interview about my Spandex book, my husband said something so off-the-wall stupid that it was hilarious…..just as I took a GINORMOUS swig from my water bottle. Needless to say, water spewed EVERYWHERE, soaking my shirt and the white fabric couch I was sitting on. That's not even the worst of it. Moments before the camera turned to me, I looked down and noticed a large hole in my black leggings, just below the knee. Note to self: next time I'm invited to a television station, I'm bringing a bib and an emergency sewing kit.
If you were a nosy fly on the wall at my house this month, these are some snippets of conversation you would have overheard in the looney bin that I call home:
"You're a true carnivore. Every day you open the meat drawer in the refrigerator and gorge on cold lunch meat right out of the packet. No bread or condiments necessary."
"Am I the only one who has a husband who offers shots of whiskey to the cable guy after the installation is finished?"
"Never come between a little girl and her ice cream cone."
"Never come between a little girl and her ice cream cone."
"You sure do go the bathroom a lot before leaving for work every morning."
"I'm worried that I'll need to poop while I'm out on a landscaping job."
"You could always use the bushes and grab some leaves for toilet paper."
"With my luck, the leaves would be covered in poisonous sap and gum up my butt."
"Since when did a simple toy like a child's spinning top become a dance party with strobe lights and techno music?"
"I ate so much, I'm having Braxton Hicks from my food baby."
"Hey honey, wanna go to the gun show this weekend?"
"I'd rather have my teeth extracted."
"My stomach hurts."
"Eat a cheese stick."
"Your answer to everything is a cheese stick! Got diarrhea? Eat a cheese stick. Dementia? Eat a cheese stick. Financial problems? Eat a cheese stick!"
"You know you're old when you keep several pairs of toenail clippers in your nightstand drawer."
"These book signings always make me nervous. I'm afraid no one will buy my book."
"If you ply them with enough wine and beer, they'll buy the Brooklyn Bridge from you."
"You know you're old when you keep several pairs of toenail clippers in your nightstand drawer."
"These book signings always make me nervous. I'm afraid no one will buy my book.""If you ply them with enough wine and beer, they'll buy the Brooklyn Bridge from you."
"You girls think 50 Shades of Gray is cool---well, your mother and I are on 60 Shades of Gray….and that doesn't include our hair color."
"Why does my home office smell like a baby's dirty diaper? We don't even have a baby."
"This is where all the kids slept when they were infants. It's the ghosts of old poops that you're smelling."
"Just when you think you're doing a good job parenting your teen, he tells you that he and his buddies spent the evening Tasering one another for fun."
"The family that wrestles together, stays together."
***Want more Meno Mama? I am THRILLED to be featured on BLUNT MOMS this week!!! You can read my funny post on aging right here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/goin-south/
Be sure to click on these links for a peek into some other homes:
"I would NEVER eat anything called, 'Crunchy Tuna Surprise'."
"Yeah, because the surprise part is that you don't know what the crunchy stuff is."
"Yeah, because the surprise part is that you don't know what the crunchy stuff is."
"Just when you think you're doing a good job parenting your teen, he tells you that he and his buddies spent the evening Tasering one another for fun."
"The family that wrestles together, stays together."
***Want more Meno Mama? I am THRILLED to be featured on BLUNT MOMS this week!!! You can read my funny post on aging right here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/goin-south/
Be sure to click on these links for a peek into some other homes:
http://www.BakingInATornado.com Baking In A Tornado
http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade
http://followmehome.shellybean.com Follow me home
http://www.menopausalmom.com/ Menopausal Mother
http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools
http://dinoheromommy.com/ Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
http://www.JuiceboxConfession.com Juicebox Confession
http://batteredhope.blogspot.com Battered Hope
http://eileensperpetuallybusy.blogspot.com/ Eileen’s Perpetually Busy
http://www.gomamao.com Go Mama O
http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius
http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com The Sadder But Wiser Girl
http://www.justalittlenutty.com/ Just A Little Nutty
http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes
Hilarious, as always. Loved the "Ghosts of old poops", especially. ☺ Congrats on your television appearance, I bet nobody noticed the hole, Can;t see it in the photo. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteI swear, I can still smell that diaper in my office. And yes, I hid the hole well, ha-ha!
DeleteI'd love to be a fly on your wall. Don't swat me, OK? – When I start laughing?
ReplyDeleteSwat you? Girl, I'll pull up a chair in my garden for you and share a bottle of wine!
DeleteHaha I love these! Here is to an amazing 2015 for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jen! Happy 2015 to you, too!
DeleteI would love crunchy tuna if the crunch were celery or even potato chips! I don't want to be surprised, though. Nope.
ReplyDeleteHa-ha! I have had with chips on top and it was actually pretty good!
DeleteYour family is so full of fun! It would be a blast to live at your house!
ReplyDeleteIt really is, I'll admit. Probably because they all have such a great sense of humor. But they also have tempers, ha-ha!
DeleteNope, can't see the hole. LOL @ the food baby!
ReplyDeleteMy husband always complains that his food baby doesn't want to be born….
DeleteLove the "Braxton Hicks from my food baby". Another of your family's funnies I may steal.
ReplyDeleteThat's Hubs for you---his mind is even scarier than mine!
DeleteOUCH!!! HUGS for your toe!!!!
ReplyDeleteYAY for being on TV!!! I'm sure no one noticed your wardrobe malfunctions! They were too dazzled by your wits! ;)
Awwww…you are too sweet! Thank you, Stacy. I was terrified but in the end it really was a fun time!
DeleteI love this post. It brightened my rainy day here in Charlotte North Carolina!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Happy I could bring you some cheer!
DeleteI love my visits here. Your famly reminds me so much of mine!
ReplyDeleteOh . . . wait . . .
Yep---you guessed it----we were separated at birth!
DeleteThe "Ghost of Poops Past". I laughed so hard at that. Your family is as funny as ever. BTW, that ice cream photo is priceless! <3 <3
ReplyDeleteI think my granddaughter is already taking after grandpa when it comes to funny facial expressions!
DeleteFood baby and cheese as the cure all. Your family always makes me laugh!
ReplyDeleteI always say that chocolate and cheese are what make the world go 'round!
DeleteSo funny as usual! Love the one about the tasering teenagers. Most days, I'm afraid to ask mine what they've been up to!
ReplyDeleteMe too---but he brought the taser home to show me--I was mortified (and nervous that he might think it would be funny to try it out on me!!)
DeleteYou've got to have a contest where the winner would get to spend a weekend with you and your family. Y'all are hilarious and the love is just so obvious. :-)
ReplyDeleteI vote for you to win! <3
DeleteOMG so you already know that I want to live at (sorry too much) visit your house because these posts are freaking awesome but you were on NBC and I didn't know it??? Can I watch it now? Is it online? Also omg congratulations!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks! You are always welcome here, my friend. The NBC clip is on my sidebar but I'll message it to you on Facebook!
DeleteI watched your interview last week and no one would have ever guessed there was a water stain or a tear in your pants -- you were cool, calm and.....collected
ReplyDeleteThat's why I kept my legs crossed and turned slightly away from the camera, ha-ha!!
DeleteMarcia, congrats on being on NBC!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lisa!
DeleteMarcia, your hubby is a keeper when he said you and he are 60 shades of grey... lol and your youngest son is quite interesting, Tasering each other for fun... ahh.. I am pretty sure I could find other things to do for fun... tasering not being one of them... lol
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the NBC interview... that is so awesome xox
Never a dull moment with my youngest. Trouble has a way of finding him…..
DeleteJust saying thank you for the laugh and nice to know my family are not the only one who talk about poo...............or are we...............
ReplyDeleteRight there with you, sista!
DeleteI knew you would figure out a way to solve the hole in the leggings problem! Congrats on the tv interview!
ReplyDeleteI was actually looking around for a black Sharpie pen to color the skin that was exposed black to match the leggings, ha-ha!
DeleteYou definitely have a strange brood there, but normal is soooo overrated!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree. Normal is B-O-R-I-N-G
DeleteAnother fun read. I always know I'll be entertained here.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Stephen! Glad you like it here!
DeleteOMG...laughing so hard...ghost poops, food baby, crunchy tuna...
ReplyDeleteHahahaha! That kind if sums up my life right now.
DeleteAny day, one is feeling low and they should come here to brighten up. When I say this, I mean it. You are so full of fun and life...May you always spread cheer like this. And btw, the 'Ghosts of old poop' topped it all. LOL
ReplyDeleteWow! Thank you so much! I swear, you just made my day ten times better now!
DeleteCarnivore - check. Whiskey shot - check. Food Baby - check. Gun show - check.
ReplyDeleteYup, I am pretty sure you can adopt me now!
Consider it official, "son." First round of draft is on me!
DeleteGhost of old poops. Bwahaha. That's some funny shit right there!
ReplyDeleteUm, can you adopt me too? I need more fun and blog material in my life.
I would LOVE to adopt you---as long as you promise to let me tag along on those awesome road trips you are always taking!!!
DeleteYou are welcome on my road trips ANY TIME my friend. Bring the wine and we'll have tons of fun and get into plenty of mischief.
Delete