Menopausal Mother

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The wall Group Posts! Today, sixteen courageous bloggers are inviting you into their homes for a glimpse of what goes on behind closed doors.

The fly that has been buzzing around my crazy household this month has seen me go through a roller coaster of emotions---anxiety, fear, relief and elation as the editing process on my forthcoming book, "Who Stole My Spandex?" reached the final stage of completion. A week ago, I left my "baby" in the very capable hands of my publisher. Since that day, the fly has witnessed my nail biting habit in full swing, along with me staring blankly at the computer screen. Yes, the anticipation is killing me. Mark your calendars, folks. Black Friday, Nov. 28 is LAUNCH DAY!

I've been too nervous lately to be funny, but as always, I can rely on my family for humorous blog fodder. Here's what the fly overheard in my crazy house recently:



"We're hopelessly lost. I think my GPS is drunk."

"I would only consider plastic surgery if the doctors could put my food baby belly on my butt. They could call the procedure a 'bellybottomy'."


"Ahhhh…the innocence of youth….when a two-year-old tries to put a dirty toilet plunger in her mouth."

"I'm going to cut you off from the wine now, because nobody sings 'This Land is My Land' or 'Leavin' On A Jet Plane' when they're sober."

"What the heck is this Farmers.com site I keep hearing about?"
"It's a site for lonely dairy cows looking for true love."

"I'm awake, but if you're expecting bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, go catch a squirrel."

"You're about to exceed the limits of my Prozac."

"A meal without wine is called breakfast."

"My belt, socks and baseball cap are black. My shirt and my pants are also black. NOW do I look thinner?"

"Whoever stole all of my leftover chicken salad from the fridge is a Motherclucker!"

"I just heard a commercial from a place called Harbour House for the Blind, and they're looking for used car donations. Isn't that an oxymoron…. cars for the blind?"

"I can't stop spilling beer into my mouth."

"What are you--the World Pug Herding Champion"?

"If you keep weary my socks, then I'm going to start wearing your underwear."

"I just burped and farted at the same time. It's called a 'Bart'."

"I know how I can help you sell your book. I'm going to wear an owl costume, stand by the highway with a bag of books and yell, "Whoo! Whoo! Who hasn't read this book?"


You heard the owl, folks. Buy the book on Amazon November 28th! WHOO WHOO!

   My lovely WWW guest today is funny lady Angela Keck from Writer Mom Blog! I met Angela last year when we were both published in Mother of All Meltdowns, and have been a fan of her writing ever since. Her blog is a beautiful mix of humor posts, heart-felt stories and parenting tips. She has also been featured on numerous websites with posts that have gone viral and created quite a buzz.
 

     Not only is Angela a talented writer, but this woman also has a heart of gold. Several months ago when I was in the middle of an "I-can't-write-my-own-book" meltdown, Angela sent me a kind message of encouragement that lifted my spirits and reminded me of why I needed to finish my book. Thank you for that, Angela. You truly are an inspiration!

     Please welcome this sweet, talented writer to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!

When I first learned that I was going to be a grandparent, I was surprised and terrified at the same time. I hadn't changed a diaper or burped a newborn in 16 years. What if I'd forgotten the basic rudiments of infant care? I prayed that it would come back to me like riding a bike----even though I haven't been on one in twenty years, I'm pretty sure I could still pedal my way around the neighborhood. I might wobble a bit at first, but eventually I'd straighten up and glide effortlessly down the street.

After talking to several of my friends who had already been initiated into the ranks of being a grandparent, new worries arose. What if my daughter had the same difficulty adjusting to the drastic changes brought on by new motherhood that I once experienced? What if my grandchild was colicky and inconsolable at all hours of the day and night? Even worse---what if I was unable to bond with my grand baby?

Fortunately, my fears were assuaged once my granddaughter was born. She was a healthy, happy baby, and my daughter eased naturally into her new role as a mother. And I couldn't have been any prouder of the patient, confident parent that she became.

Despite a few fevers, tantrums and troublesome teething episodes over the years, I think I've gotten the hang of grandparenting. Now that my granddaughter is approaching her third birthday, I've had time to reflect on my relationship with her and the advantages of being a grandparent:



1. You can load them up on homemade chocolate chip cookies after dinner, then send them home to their parents before the sugar kicks in.

2. You're allowed to teach your grandchild descriptive words such as "dingleberry" and "fartcake" without an ounce of guilt.

3. When the grandchild has a meltdown in the grocery store and thrashes around on the floor like someone in need of an exorcism, you can hand the whirling dervish over to the parents.

4. You'll have fun reading to your grandchildren all the old storybooks that you read to your own children... but this time you're allowed to tweak the tales: "There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She lost all her teeth and forgot how to chew."

5. When the grand baby gets sick, you don't have to be on barf patrol 24/7. This is a job for the parents…and the reason why speed dial was invented.

6. You don't have to buy your grandchildren boring things such as school supplies and uniforms. You can spend your money on entertaining toys such as Tom the Talking Cat, Wubble the Bubble Ball and My Little Pony. Bonus points for loud toys or ones that require assembly and have over 100 parts.

7. Any parent who talks incessantly about their precious offspring's accomplishments will receive plenty of eye rolls and cold shoulders. But as a grandparent, you're automatically allowed the bragging rights you were denied while raising your own children. "My two-year-old grandchild knows the Preamble to the Constitution by heart and can recite the Seven Deadly Sins…in fluent Russian…" No eye rolling, please.

8. You can embellish stories from your youth and your grandchild will believe every word. "When I was two, I learned how to skin a bull and make my own diapers out of his hide." No one needs to know that Grandpa grew up in the city and that the closest he ever came to a bull was a plate of Rocky Mountain Oysters.  

9. If the grandkids don't finish their dinner at a restaurant, you have permission to eat their leftovers. "What? Grandma gave you too much milk and now you're full? Of course she can help you eat those extra chicken tenders and fries!"

10. You have the opportunity to pick and choose which recitals/ concerts/ sporting events you'd like to attend. Skip the three hour violin concert but don't miss the twenty River Dancing toddlers in Pull-Ups.

11. Grandparents have free license to act silly, play games and spoil their grandchildren without punishment or unsolicited advice. Because no one will put the grandparents in time-out.

12. You get to skip the whole potty training phase. If someone leaves a poop on the carpet, better check on the dog...or Grandpa.


My connection to my granddaughter is a bridge between the past and the future. When I look at her precious face, I see my own childhood mirrored in her eyes.

I'll never be too old to use sidewalk chalk, finger paints or play kick the can in the suburban streets of my youth.

And I'll never be too old for fairytales with happy endings.



***Want More Meno Mama? This week I'm up at Humor Outcasts talking about my husband's obsession with fire. You can read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/firebug/

I am so fortunate to have the opportunity to introduce you to today's remarkably talented Wacky Wednesday Writer, Sandy Ramsey of Mother Of Imperfection! What I love about Sandy's writing is that she's not just another "niche" blogger. She writes on a wide variety of topics on her blog---some humorous, some poignant and many that are thought-provoking and informative. I've gotten to know Sandy through several Facebook writer groups that we both belong to and I have to say---she has a kind heart and a giving spirit. She's happy to help promote her fellow bloggers and is always there to offer support when needed. Even better, Sandy and I share the whole midlife mayhem thing, so it's always fun to compare thoughts on perimenopause with her though humor. Her post today had me in stitches because ohhhh boy, can I relate!

Please welcome Sandy to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!

 My favorite part of the gym is Zumba class. I love to incorporate dances moves into my workout because it tricks my brain into thinking it's 1978 (I'm always looking for a spinning disco ball and John Travolta in a white suit).While I'm not crazy about ill-fitting pants that scream, “Camel toe alert!”, or women in booty shorts playing beaver peek-a-boo, I still have fun doing my disco moves. The problem is that all that salsa music makes me hungry for Mexican food and margaritas. So what do I do? Head for the nearest taco stand and make my viking ancestors proud....one chimichanga at a time.



***Want More Meno Mama? This week I was featured for the first time on Boomeon! I'm dishing on what it's like to go from an empty nest to a full house. You can read it here: http://www.boomeon.com/posts/from-empty-nest-to-full-house

I'm so excited to introduce you to my WWW guest today! Please welcome Michelle Poston Combs of Rubber Shoes In Hell! The first time I saw the clever title of her blog,  I just knew this woman had to be funny. And I was right! Michelle and I write the same type of rogue comedy that only other writers with a twisted sense of humor understand. The post she's sharing today on her teen's sudden lack of vocabulary is totally relatable to me since I've raised four teens of my own. I think there will be quite a few of you nodding your heads in agreement and laughing along with Michelle's witty post. Please welcome her to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!