Friday, March 25, 2016

You've Got Spam: The 14 Worst Offers On The Internet

     It has been awhile since I've deleted the junk in my SPAM folder. The last time I did it, I found all sorts if interesting invitations (you can read the post HERE). I recently did a clean sweep on my laptop and found a bevy of new, hilarious offers in my SPAM. This stuff never gets old, so it's only fair that I share the latest, HOT OFFERS with you, so that you can get in on these "awesome" deals:

1. Sexy CPAP options (the new "zoo line" masks come in zebra print or leopard spot to make bedtime more interesting).

2. Diet pills that claim you can eat like a Viking and still maintain a beach-ready, bikini body (what size is the bikini?).

3. Toenail fungus removal (complete with an amputation kit).

4. Cheap car insurance (by the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Auto Insurance Company).

5. Divorce attorneys (who also moonlight for Ashley Madison).

6. Inexpensive laser hair removal (yes, you too, can look like a plucked chicken!).

7. Miracle pills for breast enhancement (ever notice there's nothing for a breast reductions?).

8. An invitation to join a single seniors dating website for naughty fun (bringing sexy back with designer, leak-proof undergarments and crotchless support hose).

9. Miracle hearing aids guaranteed to improve hearing (in other words, your husband no longer has an excuse to tune you out).

10. Testosterone boosters ( in case you need your erection to last longer than eight hours. What kind of beast are you??).

11. Cremation burial services (why is this ad sponsored by a premium garden mulch company?).

12. Bladder solutions for an overactive bladder (the kit includes a free bottle of Super Glue).

13. Got flatulence? Try the new FLATU-CORK (12 adjustable corks to stop up your gas before you stink up a room).      

14. A message from clairvoyant John: "IMPORTANT, PLEASE OPEN" ( there's a computer virus in your future).

     Want any of these terrific deals? Just open up your SPAM folder. I'll bet it's brimming with marriage proposals from India and buy-one-get-one-free deals on plastic surgery!


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I have a crazy, funny NEW post up this week on Purple Clover! Check out "The Queen of Bad Teeth" : http://www.purpleclover.com/health/6181--queen-bad-teeth/
I also had a post featured on The Good Men Project---"10 Things I Never Imagined I Needed To Say To My Teen Son" http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/10-things-never-imagined-needed-say-teen-son-jrmk/

Friday, March 18, 2016

Fly On The Wall: Family Fun

     It's that time of month again---Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A tornado. Today 11 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you would see in their homes if you were a fly on their wall.

     As many of you know, my mother has been in the hospital CVNICU for over a week now. It has been an emotional roller coaster for the entire family, and we are learning to take things one step at a time. Some days are full of little miracles, while others are heartbreaking and difficult to get through. For this reason, I haven't had much time to write or visit the blogs of my fellow writers. Our family is completely focused on my mother's health at this time and praying for her recovery.

     The month before Mom became ill, we were invited to do some fun social activities with our adult children. They treated us to some crazy and interesting experiences, and of course, we had to drag them along with us to the annual Renaissance Festival as well (a family tradition). Below are photos of some of the events that we shared: a night at the Miami Ice Bar, bottomless mimosas at YOLO in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, "Whiskey Wednesday" at Mellow Mushroom, walking the nature trail at Morikami Japanese Gardens, and a fun night at home with the family after a great dinner around the fire pit. Nothing beats making lasting memories with the family! The only thing missing is the fly----who knew he was camera shy??












***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I was featured on The Mutton Club with my post, "Healthy Habits In Midlife (This Diet Thing Sucks)." You can read it here: http://www.themuttonclub.com/healthy-habits-in-midlife/

ANOTHER FUN THING: I was delighted to have my crazy hair featured on The Huffington Post. Yes, you heard that right. My purple hair. Check out the post, written by Ann Brenoff   here:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/7-women-over-50-on-why-theyre-dyeing-their-hair-crazy-colors_us_56e07237e4b0860f99d78812

Friday, March 11, 2016

I Love You, Mom

     I've been absent from the blogosphere this week due to a family crisis. My dear mother had to be rushed to the hospital for a torn aorta and needed emergency surgery. She's an incredibly brave and strong woman, but this latest episode really frightened me. The experience made me realize that as our parents age, we have to accept that their health is more fragile than ever before, and that we need to cherish the gift of time that we have with them. For this reason, I'm unable to offer you a new blog post today, but in honor of my mother, I'd like to share some links to a few of my favorite posts that were written with her in mind.

     The good news is that my mother made it through her stent surgery and is now in recovery. Prayers and positive thoughts would be very much appreciated. Those of you who still have your mothers here with you, please give them a hug and tell them how much they mean to you. They will never tire of hearing you say, "I love you, Mom."



THE TRUTH ABOUT MOTHERHOOD

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL, I AM MY MOTHER AFTER ALL (featured on Bonbon Break)

THE INVISIBLE GENERATION

IF MY CLOSET COULD TALK  (featured on Purple Clover)



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week my post, "10 Lies Parents Of Teens Tell Themselves" was featured on Lose The Cape. You can read it here: http://losethecape.com/10-lies-parents-teens-tell/


Friday, March 4, 2016

Super Spring Writer Series: Guest Post by: Rosemond Perdue

     I've been crazy-busy lately, submitting posts to other websites and writing until the wee hours of the morning. I have a new post featured on Purple Clover this week---one I am particularly proud of that I know many of you will relate to. Please check out "If My Closet Could Talk. Also this week, I had a post featured on one of my favorite sites---the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop: Blind As A Rhino.   Last but not least, I had a post yesterday on another awesome site I love---Midlife Boulevard. Stop by and read my funny post about what you can expect when you hit midlife: http://midlifeboulevard.com/peek-at-50s-60s/

     And now, onto our special Super Spring guest writer.....I'm not sure how it's possible that I haven't been aware of today's author until just a few weeks ago. After receiving an email from her, I checked out her blog site and WOW! This lady is FUNNY! Please welcome Rosemund Perdue of Round And Round Rosie! I found so many hilarious posts on her midlife humor site, it was hard to choose just one to feature on my blog. Once you read her mom jeans post below, you'll want to visit Round And Round Rosie and subscribe to her site.

Please welcome Rosemund Perdue to Meno Mama's blog today with lots of comment love. Enjoy!



Mom Jeans Are Back, because obviously someone forgot how ugly these things were the first time around.


The 80's are back and I'm not happy. Just when I'd finally made peace with lowrise jeans (OK, so 20 years after they debuted but who's counting?) it seems that the fashion Gods have decided that Mom jeans are once again stylish.
Because I live in LA, Ground Zero for questionable fashion trends, I've gotten to see this latest fashion trend up close and personal. I've seen countless pretty young things rocking their ironic mom jeans. Waistbands up underneath their ribcages, acid washed, with pleats, and yes they look adorable. And fashionable. Hee hee. I get it. Jokes on us. These show offs with perfect long legged bodies are proving they are so hot they even look sexy in a pair of the unsexiest denim ever invented. For moms.
But lets get real.
When, like these LA model types, you are 100 pounds, you could wear a big green Hefty trashbag and look fabulous. So this isn't a good measure of what a trend will look like on mortals. Especially mortals like me who are now over 40.

Here's why you won't catch my butt in a pair of mom jeans.


Too much fabric.

My body could handle high waisted mom jeans 20 years ago when I wasn't a mom but my anatomy is no longer able to handle all that fabric. Around my middle. Mapping out every flaw. Here are two examples of boyfriend jeans or subtle flares that are way more flattering.

Where does your muffin top go?

With lowrise jeans you can let your muffin top flow over the top and hopefully hide that tire with a loose fitting top. But where does it go with a zipper a mile long. Do you try to stuff it down? Fluff it up? Do you let is overflow and pretend it's a peplum?

Tummy Tuck In?

What do you do in mom jeans? You have to tuck your tummy IN, so do you then have to go up 2 sizes to accommodate the belly, but now you can swim in the enormous legs. Plus what do you do with those side rolls that live where your waist used to be? Not to mention the continual butt wedgie these jeans produce.

Denim Thick Enough for Pioneers in Wagon Trains.

These were jeans made long before lycra and spandex, no stretch, no give and denim dense enough to last several generations. Do you remember the crotch burn we used to suffer from a day with that industrial grade denim scratching our lady parts? Burn, baby, burn.
There are probably piles of pristine mom jeans left over in landfills that never fully disintegrated. These tough jeans were meant for tough mom who did unglamorous jobs like burping, feeding and shopping at WalMart.
So who's the bastard who decided it was time to revisit high rise jeans? Must be a man who's definitely not a fan of moms.

What ugly trends are up next I wonder.

Is it time to break out my Keds and sweatshirt again too?
Side ponytails? Scrunchies? Bibs? Hillary Headbands?
Maybe for the youngsters it's an exciting new trend to try. No thank you. I remember 90210 and Friends from the first time around.
I had a modified "Rachel" hairdo. I've got picture somewhere to prove it.
In case you've forgotten mom jeans, here's Tina Fey's SNL skit on Mom Jeans and the women wearing them who've given up being sexy.
"I"m not a woman, I'm a Mom!"
Save us!
My worst fear is that fashion decides that all other denim style will be over and I'll be forced to zip my sausage torso into a pair of dowdy mom jeans with a mile long zipper.
Please fashion designers, leave me with a little dignity and some stretch fabric in my jeans. And please leave the over the waist denim trend for women who actually still have waists.




BIO:


When I’m not too busy embarrassing my teenager, I write about midlife,  parenting, and life in cute shoes. I’m a contributor to Huffington Post, Babble, and have been featured on She Knows, Divorced Moms, Scary Mommy and Blunt Moms. When I’m not writing, I enjoy lying in the fetal position and obsessing about my hair. 
 You can find me sharing wisdom, thoughts on life after 40, and the occasional rant at http://roundandroundrosie.com/


LINKS:




















Friday, February 26, 2016

Weird Jobs I'd Love

      Whenever our funds get low, my husband suggests I look for part-time work to supplement my measly writer's income. The problem is that my skills are sorely lacking when it comes to career opportunities. I can cook, clean, and herd toddlers to the dinner table, but that's about it. In a land far, far away known as MY YOUTH, I worked all sorts of jobs----dental assistant, secretary, waitress, telephone operator, babysitter, cleaning woman, Avon sales representative.....and none of them thrilled me. I'd be hard pressed to find something at my age that I think I'd be good at (and actually enjoy doing). I'm a writer, and that's all I've ever wanted to be. But if I need to find additional employment, it'll have to be something unique.....something that I can do with confidence and pride in my work. Here are 20 weird jobs I'd be happy to try:

*Test pilot at a witch's broom factory

*Goose down feather pillow inspector

*Teacher at the School Of Hard Knocks

*Food critic for every five star restaurant in the U.S.

*Senior Beer Sampler at a brewery

*Golf ball dimple examiner

*Pogo stick tester

*Creative Director at the School of Mixology

*Ninja leaf blower

*Bounce inspector at a trampoline factory

*Panda bear babysitter at the zoo

*Yard gnome height verifier

*Underwater landscaper at Sea World

*Taste tester at the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory.

*Cork sniffer at a winery


*Elastic snapper at a rubber band factory

*Drone sniper at an airport

*Bubble counter at a champagne bottling company

*Conch shell tuner

*Wrinkle straightener at a farm for Shar-Peis

     I'd be thrilled to do any one of these jobs. It certainly beats cleaning lint out of dryers at the local laundromat, or buffing caskets at a funeral home. I wouldn't mind trying my hand at being a fire starter at a smoke signal school, or being an artist at a tattoo parlor. How cool would it be to put my artwork permanently on someone's butt cheek? I hope they like stick figures, because that's pretty much all that I can draw.

     See? I told you my skills are limited. Looks like I'll have to stick with being a writer, after all.


***Want more Meno Mama? I'm thrilled to have my first featured post on RawrWords this week! Check out my post, "A Letter To My Younger Self." You can read it here: http://rawrwords.com/2016/02/24/a-letter-to-my-younger-self/

Friday, February 19, 2016

Fly On The Wall In A Crazy House

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A TornadoToday 12 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in their homes. Come on in and buzz around my house to see what we've been up to!





"I can't eat this hospital food. The hamburger patty is too hard to chew and I'm afraid I won't be able to get it down without choking on it."
"That's because I just saw some guy down the hall pulling the heel off his shoe and putting it on a hamburger bun."

"Why do you take a nap on the couch an hour or two before going to bed at night?"
"It's a part of my 'Pre-Sleep' ritual."

"That breakfast burrito went through me like a breakfast torpedo."

"I think the kids are plotting to kill me. Every time I step into the living room and see that creepy, gigantic Valentine's bear on the couch, I think it's a stranger in the house and my heart stops."

"You carry enough cheese sticks in your purse to open your own dairy farm."

"I just ate two turkey burgers and now I have the entire bird stuck in my teeth. I don't think the floss I need has been invented yet that can pull this bird out of my food trap."

"My muse is in overdrive and I'm on fire."
"Quick---somebody hand me a fire extinguisher!"

"What is it with boys? Hover boards, an office chair and sparklers equal a scary night on our street. God help us all."

"A balanced diet is a cupcake in each hand."

"Sorry I didn't respond to your text. My mind wandered off and I forgot."
"Wandered off? I think it left for good."

"I ate too much piccadilly tonight. I'm crop dusting beans and rice everywhere I walk. "

"What's the matter with you? Every man has lighter fluid in his garage."
"What are you, a dinosaur? Coals and lighter fluid went out after the 60's. Everyone uses propane grills now. "

"Of course I won't tell anyone what happened. I understand the girl code of silence."
"Since when do girls know how to keep silent?"

Well, there you go, folks! Another crazy month at the Doyle abode. And yes, this girl can't keep silent. Why do you think I'm a writer??



****WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm delighted to have my first ever feature on Elephant Journal, and it's a POEM! Yes, in a former life before writing humor, I wrote poetry. You can read my poem "Leaving" here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/02/leaving-poem/
I also have a NEW blog post up this week on Bonbon Break titled, "Mirror mirror On The Wall, I Am My Mother After All." You can read it here: http://www.bonbonbreak.com/mirror-mirror-wall-mother


Buzz around these other participating sites for a peek into some other homes:


http://www.BakingInATornado.com                         Baking In A Tornado
http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                            Juicebox Confession
http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother
http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                            Someone Else’s Genius
http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                      Spatulas on Parade
http://singlemumplusone.blogspot.com                      Searching for Sanity
http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                         Never Ever Give Up Hope
http://www.gomamao.com                                    Go Mama O
http://dinoheromommy.com/                     Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
http://notthatsarahmichelle.blogspot.com          Not That Sarah Michelle
http://www.southernbellecharm.com                   Southern Belle Charm
http://mybrainonkids.net                                      My Brain on Kids


Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Book Review: Hiding In Plain Site by Angela Evans

     I'm so excited to introduce you to a very special friend of mine who has just released her first book! Please welcome Angela Evans, the author of a romantic suspense book, Hiding In Plain Sight (Hidden Dangers Book 1). This is a real page turner with plenty of steamy romance scenes and quite a few nail biting moments that involve a creepy family member who stalks the young heroine in the book.  Here's a brief synopsis to give you an idea of what Angela's book is all about:

     Imagine a 16 year old girl sneaking out of her house one night to see her boyfriend...and just when she is about to return home, there is an explosion on the property that kills both her mother and her grandparents. Although the explosion is ruled as an accidental gas leak, the teenager suspects that her sinister stepfather is responsible for the tragic deaths of her family members. The young woman disappears for ten years and then returns home to confront the memories that are at the root of her unexplained panic attacks. She becomes reacquainted with her former boyfriend, who is now the town sheriff, and discovers that her evil stepfathers is living in town under an assumed identity. The stepfather begins terrorizing the young woman as she and the sheriff search for answers on really happened the night of the explosion that killed her family.

     I asked Angela for a few paragraphs out of her book to wet your appetite for what I consider a must-read:


. 
Book Excerpt #1:

Kierra's chest suddenly felt too tight to take a breath. She
desperately wanted to tell him to stop talking, to run away. She
wished she had never come to town, and that she was anywhere but
here listening to Bryan's calm, soothing voice.

“I can also tell you the thing that's going to be the hardest to
hear. The explosion was ruled an accident. It appears that they only
did a cursory investigation, but there was no reason to suspect foul
play. It was ruled an accidental gas leak. Most importantly, in that
investigation they didn't find a fourth body in the house. The only
victims of that explosion were your grandparents, and your mother.”

Somewhere in the distance a bird chirped and parents cheered
at the Peewee football game. Kierra heard it all as though it were a
million miles away. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think.

Her stepfather was alive somewhere.

No one believed her ten years ago, no one was going to
believe her now, but she knew for certain that somehow he was
responsible for the explosion that killed her family.

And he was still out there somewhere.

Book Excerpt #2:

He watched as she enjoyed another sip of her coffee. She loved coffee more than anyone he had ever known. Drinking coffee had never been something he considered sexy before he shared a morning cup with her. If she kissed half as sensually as she sipped that coffee, he was in trouble.
She glanced up and met his eyes over the rim of her coffee cup and he even found the pink blush that crept up her face appealing. She was cupping the mug with both hands, and holding it near her face as if it were a delicate flower to be carried carefully and inhaled deeply.
You make good coffee,” she said into the growing silence.
Maybe it was a mistake, but he decided it was time to press her and figure her out.
Without a word Bryan reached out across his small kitchen and took the mug from her hands, setting it on the counter behind her. He stepped forward and instantly saw the change in her eyes when she realized his intent. She went from eager and sexy to cautious and hiding in the blink of an eye.
Don't do that,” he ordered her.
What?” She glanced around desperately looking for a way out of the kitchen, this conversation, and his arms as they loosely held her captive against the counter.
Don't get all skittish and wary on me. I know you're as attracted to me as I am to you, and I also know that scares the hell out of you, but you don't have to be scared of me, or with me. Ever.” He made sure to hold her gaze as he spoke, he wouldn't let her look away. He wanted to be sure she understood everything he was saying, and a whole lot of what he wasn't saying. He was going to have her in his bed, he could guarantee that. He wanted her under him and begging for release, and he would have it, no matter what he had to do to get her there.
He kept his arms relaxed, and gripped the counter on either side of her hips. All she had to do was tell him to back off and he would. But he was going to make her say it if that's what she wanted, because he knew damn well it wasn't at all what she wanted any more than it was what he wanted.
Slowly, keeping his eyes fixed on hers until the last second, he lowered his head and took her mouth in his. As much as he told himself he knew what she wanted, he could have shouted in relief when her mouth came open willingly under his. He fought to keep his hands on the counter and not bury them in her hair. As much as he hated the color of it, he would have loved to fill his hands with it and pull her even closer.
Go slowly, he reminded himself, but his erection was already straining against the jeans he had thrown on quickly while she was in the bathroom. He craved the feeling of her pressed against him, but he needed to make sure she was ready. If she bolted on him he might never get her here again.
He made himself content with the feeling of her tongue sliding against his and her arms sliding up around his neck, playing with the hair at the base of his neck. She tasted like the coffee he had made for her, and she smelled like sleep, woman, and everything sexy. He groaned and adjusted the kiss slightly so that it deepened and he was rewarded with a noise that sounded a lot like a purr from Kierra's throat.
Gathering up every shred of his self-control, Bryan ended the kiss, resting his forehead against hers and waiting for her to open her eyes. For a moment he thought she would hide behind her closed eyelids forever, but eventually she opened her eyes and met his with an expression that could only be described as wonder.
Wow,” she whispered, causing Bryan to smile.
Yeah, you could say that. As much as I'd love to stay here and kiss you all day long, I need to get to the office and see if any hits came back on your dad.”
Stepfather. He's not my dad. Actually, I don't know who my dad is, but I know who it isn't, and it isn't him. We're not blood relatives. He was just another poor choice my mother made in her life.”
The wall was definitely back around her now. Even though neither of them had moved, the mention of her stepfather was enough to make her guarded and withdrawn, which only made him want to pull her close and kiss her senseless some more just to watch the walls crumble all over again.
Kierra pushed back against Bryan's chest, putting some space between them. That only served to frustrate him further. He knew better than to push her, but dammit he couldn't help himself.
I bring up your dad.” He held up a hand before she could say anything. “Sorry, stepdad, I know he's not your father, and suddenly you don't want me touching you? A minute ago you were practically purring and all I did was kiss you. The mixed signals are about to make me dizzy here. Can you maybe clue me in as to what's going on here?”





     Please be sure to check out Angela's new book on Amazon. You can buy it right here:  (http://www.amazon.com/Hiding-Plain-Sight-Hidden-Dangers-ebook/dp/B01BKVFFF2/)


Angela Evans


Angela Evans has been creating stories in her own imagination since she picked up her first book. In high school she remembers sneaking a copy of a romance novel off her mother’s book case and immediately fell in love with the story, the genre, and the idea of falling in love!
Angela is currently obsessed with the genre of romantic suspense. When she’s not writing new stories you can find her binge watching cop shows looking for inspiration for those creepy villains every suspense story needs.
Angela loves to hear from readers, so please visit her online at http://authorangelaevans.com, as well as on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/authorangelaevans) or Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/readangelaevans). 

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