Are You Kidding me? and the author of the bestseller, Are You kidding Me? My Life with an Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives.
I met Stacey at the 2014 ERMA convention, and had the pleasure of spending time with her again at the 2016 workshop last April. I discovered that not only is she an entertaining writer, but also a GREAT stand-up comedian. She did a little show for us at the convention and received a standing ovation because her act was HILARIOUS!! Do yourself a favor---check out her blog and BUY HER BOOK. You'll love it! Please welcome her today to Meno Mama's site with lots of comment love!
Want a surefire way to get your kids and husband off the couch fast? Just say you’re going to take a nap. All hell breaks loose.
Let me start at the beginning. We enjoyed going out for breakfast on Saturday mornings. Nothing beat a big stack of hotcakes, thick smoky bacon, side of hash browns and a plate of toast to induce a coma later in the day. By noon, I could barely move much less keep my eyes opened.
Time To Ask Friends Over
“Okay. Can I have some friends over?” my daughter asked, bolting off the sofa and stuffing a bag of popcorn in the microwave.
“Talk to your dad. I’ll be in my room with the door shut. Try to keep it down.”
Ten nanoseconds passed. My husband yelled from the bottom of the stairs, “Remember guys. Be quiet. Mom’s sleeping.”
Attempting to sleep here!
After years of trying to get my son to try piano and violin lessons, he tapped his way from the kitchen, up the staircase, down the hallway and into his room with a pair of drumsticks that had been MIA for four years. Click, clack. My eyes fluttered opened like a moth around a porch light.
Don't Forget the Dog
Not to be excluded, our dog, Stanley expressed his displeasure regarding my nap as well. He sniffed under the door and catapulted his 20 pound body forward. Ping. He gave me a smug look as the door burst free, routed in the blankets and staked out a comfortable spot at the end of the bed.
“Buddy, if you’re quiet, I’ll let you stay,” I said, hopping up to shut the door.
What’s that? Faint rustling of feet came from the staircase. Big man feet. Like a stalker, he paused, hesitated and then ever so slowly, turned the knob on the double doors. Kabong! Doors burst free. With a shuffle of sock feet, my husband whispered, “Don’t worry. It’s just me. I’ll be done in a second and out of here.”
After using the toenail clippers and electric razor, he stomped out of the room, pulled the doors shut and yelled downstairs to my daughter, “I’m on my way!”
Still Taking a Nap
I drifted off for a couple of minutes. From outside the opened window, I detected the whine of a chainsaw and the distinct smell of gasoline. When I married my husband, he was not a lumberjack. But Paul Bunyan decided to do a little light remodeling in the backyard. Now.
Oh, come on.
I popped up in bed, blinking like crazy. Out the window I spied a saw. And a tree. Timber. Next up, I watched as he reinstalled loose fence panels with a hammer. Bam, bam, buzzzzz. When finished, with a flourish he let out a big whistle for the kids to join him and admire his workmanship.
By that point, the dog couldn’t contain himself. He charged the open window and jumped up and down to get a peek at the commotion. Ruff, ruff, growl.
Finally, I stuck my head out the window and said, “Hey!”
“Mom, did you get a good nap? Come on out.”
Yeah, a full five minutes.
“Look what Dad just did. Isn’t it great?”
“Looks fine. I’m coming.”
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. I’m going to sack out on the couch. Quietest place in the house.
Stacey Gustafson’s book, Are You Kidding Me? My Life With an Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives, ranked #1 Amazon Best Seller in Parenting & Family Humor and Motherhood. She is a humor columnist, blogger and wannabe comedian who has experienced the horrors of being trapped inside a pair of SPANX. Her blog, Are You Kidding Me? is based on her suburban family and everyday life. Her short stories have appeared in Chicken Soup for the Soul and seven books in the Not Your Mother’s Book series. Her work appears in Midlife Boulevard, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, Pleasanton Patch, Lost in Suburbia, Better After 50 and on her daughter’s bulletin board. She lives in California with her husband and two teenagers that provide an endless supply of inspiration.