Many of you will recognize the name of my guest writer today. She has been featured on my site before because I've always admired her clever sense of humor, and I can easily relate to most of what she writes about---family life and midlife chaos. I'm thrilled to bring back Stacey Gustafson, the funny woman behind the blog,Are You Kidding me? and the author of the bestseller, Are You kidding Me? My Life with an Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives.
I met Stacey at the 2014 ERMA convention, and had the pleasure of spending time with her again at the 2016 workshop last April. I discovered that not only is she an entertaining writer, but also a GREAT stand-up comedian. She did a little show for us at the convention and received a standing ovation because her act was HILARIOUS!! Do yourself a favor---check out her blog and BUY HER BOOK. You'll love it! Please welcome her today to Meno Mama's site with lots of comment love!
Want a surefire way to get your kids and
husband off the couch fast? Just say you’re going to take a nap.
All hell breaks loose.
Let me start at the beginning. We enjoyed
going out for breakfast on Saturday mornings. Nothing beat a big
stack of hotcakes, thick smoky bacon, side of hash browns and a plate
of toast to induce a coma later in the day. By noon, I could barely
move much less keep my eyes opened.
Time To Ask Friends Over
“Okay. Can I have some friends over?” my
daughter asked, bolting off the sofa and stuffing a bag of popcorn in
the microwave.
“Talk to your dad. I’ll be in my room with
the door shut. Try to keep it down.”
Ten nanoseconds passed. My husband yelled from
the bottom of the stairs, “Remember guys. Be quiet. Mom’s
sleeping.”
Attempting to sleep here!
After years of trying to get my son to try
piano and violin lessons, he tapped his way from the kitchen, up the
staircase, down the hallway and into his room with a pair of
drumsticks that had been MIA for four years. Click, clack. My eyes
fluttered opened like a moth around a porch light.
Don't Forget the Dog
Not to be excluded, our dog, Stanley expressed
his displeasure regarding my nap as well. He sniffed under the door
and catapulted his 20 pound body forward. Ping. He gave me a smug
look as the door burst free, routed in the blankets and staked out a
comfortable spot at the end of the bed.
“Buddy, if you’re quiet, I’ll let you
stay,” I said, hopping up to shut the door.
What’s that? Faint rustling of feet came
from the staircase. Big man feet. Like a stalker, he paused,
hesitated and then ever so slowly, turned the knob on the double
doors. Kabong! Doors burst free. With a shuffle of sock feet, my
husband whispered, “Don’t worry. It’s just me. I’ll be done
in a second and out of here.”
Yeah, right.
After using the toenail clippers and electric
razor, he stomped out of the room, pulled the doors shut and yelled
downstairs to my daughter, “I’m on my way!”
Still Taking a Nap
I drifted off for a couple of minutes. From
outside the opened window, I detected the whine of a chainsaw and the
distinct smell of gasoline. When I married my husband, he was not a
lumberjack. But Paul
Bunyan decided to do a little light remodeling
in the backyard. Now.
Oh, come on.
I popped up in bed, blinking like crazy. Out
the window I spied a saw. And a tree. Timber. Next up, I watched as
he reinstalled loose fence panels with a hammer. Bam, bam, buzzzzz.
When finished, with a flourish he let out a big whistle for the kids
to join him and admire his workmanship.
By that point, the dog couldn’t contain
himself. He charged the open window and jumped up and down to get a
peek at the commotion. Ruff, ruff, growl.
Finally, I stuck my head out the window and
said, “Hey!”
“Mom, did you get a good nap? Come on out.”
Yeah, a full five minutes.
“Look what Dad just did. Isn’t it great?”
“Looks fine. I’m coming.”
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. I’m
going to sack out on the couch. Quietest place in the house.
BIO:
BIO:
Stacey
Gustafson’s book, Are You Kidding Me? My Life With an
Extremely Loud Family, Bathroom Calamities, and Crazy Relatives,
ranked #1 Amazon Best Seller in
Parenting & Family Humor and Motherhood. She is a
humor columnist, blogger and wannabe comedian who has
experienced the horrors of being trapped inside a pair of SPANX.
Her blog, Are You Kidding Me?
is based on her suburban family and everyday life. Her short stories
have appeared in Chicken Soup
for the Soul and seven
books in the Not Your Mother’s Book
series. Her work appears in Midlife
Boulevard, Erma Bombeck
Writers’ Workshop, Pleasanton
Patch, Lost in Suburbia, Better After 50 and
on her daughter’s bulletin board. She
lives in California with her husband and two teenagers that provide
an endless supply of inspiration.
Blog:
StaceyGustafson.com
Amazon:
http://amzn.to/1O7xnY1
Twitter:
@RUKiddingStacey
Pinterest:
http://www.pinterest.com/RUKiddingStacey
Youtube: http://bit.ly/1cpPOeO
My kids are gone and it's just me, my husband, dog and 2 cats -- and I still can't take a nap.
ReplyDeleteIt's the husbands then!
DeleteOy my gosh! Excited to be on your blog today. This post is in honor of all the moms just trying to catch a little shut eye. I feel your pain!
ReplyDeleteLove having you here!
DeleteBabies and old people take naps. I take an afternoon siesta.
ReplyDeleteI take "power naps" that last 2-3 hours on the weekend!
DeleteI was going to take a nap before reading your post, but the only other human in our home decided to get out his wood chipper to clean up the pile of brush that has been decorating our yard for the past three years. What is it with these latent lumberjack fantasies? Haha. Very funny post, Stacey.
ReplyDeleteI swear, my neighbor has a radar on my nap schedule. Every weekend, just as I am about to drift off to sleep, he starts up the mower and edger. Every. Single. Time.
DeleteOH boy, do I know this scene well. I did laugh that the dog had victory with his entrance. ;)
ReplyDeleteStacey always cracks me up!
Delete