Friday, November 11, 2016

The Voices Of Insomnia

     I love sleep, but it does not love me. I either sleep like the dead or I'm wide awake all night. There is no in-between for me. The nights I sleep deep, a tornado could lift my house from its foundation and drop it into a cornfield in Kansas and I STILL wouldn't wake up. For this reason, naps also make me nervous. I never know if I'll fall asleep for twenty minutes, two hours, or two years. Naps are risky at best, and my poor husband has no idea who he will be dealing with when he interrupts my sleep----the Kraken or a disoriented Rip Van Winkle.

     The nights insomnia shares the mattress with me are the worst. I don't count sheep to fall asleep. I count calories. And sadly, that's enough to keep me awake all night. My mind flips through a gazillion thoughts in record time, like cards being shuffled during a poker match. I can't shut my thoughts off, much less dim the commanding voice of insomnia that nags my subconscious.

     On a typical sleepless night, these are some of the strange thoughts that keep me tossing and turning while the bedside clock ticks away the minutes:



That recipe for chicken chow mein turned out really good tonight. I'm craving it again. Right now. I wonder how it will taste cold, straight out of the fridge....

So, if I add Hub's paycheck to the balance in the checkbook, then subtract what I owe on the mortgage this month, plus figure in the $200 I owe for the water bill and another $300 for the electric, that means......beans and rice. I eat bean and rice every day for a month.

My underwear is too tight. I need new underwear. This pair has holes. Geez, what if I got in an accident today and the EMTs saw them?

It's hot in here. The sheets are sticking to me. The thermostat must be set on a temperature compatible to Mercury.

How do penguins mate?

Wait----what are those suspicious noises coming from the garbage cans outside? Possum? Raccoon? Hungry neighbor?

Let's sing a song: "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down...." Karen Carpenter.....what year was that?

Did I turn off the oven?

Is that a lump under my armpit? It IS a lump. What if I have cancer? Aunt Sally had it, and look what happened to her! I have all the symptoms---I'm constantly tired and achy, and my weight has been fluctuating....OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE. Wait.....no....it's not a lump. It's a mosquito bite.

Why didn't the dog poop tonight? Maybe someone gave her too much cheese. I like cheese. I really like cheese on chicken parmesan. Maybe I can order some for lunch tomorrow. Maybe I can order some now.

Don't leave a leg sticking outside of the covers.....something or someone might grab it. Ghosts. Creepy clowns. Deranged serial killers. I need to stop watching American Horror Story.

Is that the toilet water running again? I need to get a plumber out here. Life would be so much easier if someone invented disposable, biodegradable toilet plungers.

Hubs needs to mow the grass tomorrow. I'll wake him and tell him. It's 2:00 a.m. but he won't mind.

If I could redesign this house, I would add an extra sink in the master bathroom, knock out the wall that divides the kitchen from the living room, add another bathroom to the east side of the house, because we can never have too many bathrooms.....wait, do I need to pee? Welcome to "Bladder Roulette." Spin the wheel and it lands on..... "You gotta pee. RIGHT NOW!"..... dammit.

Was my closet door cracked open all this time?

Let's sing again: "Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon..."

Stop. Practice fake sleep. Close your eyes, breathe deep. Relax. Just go to sleep....hey, what was that kid's name in Mrs. Johnson's third grade class who puked whole blueberries by the classroom door?

I wonder who the first person was to eat an artichoke?

I need to find out what that weird sound was coming from my car today. What if it was my transmission? What if it blows up tomorrow while I'm driving down the highway? I'd better wear new underwear just in case the EMTs show up.


   
     Hopefully tonight will be better. I really need to get more sleep. I'll get the toilet fixed and make sure the thermostat is set low enough for icicles to form on the ceiling. And it wouldn't hurt to order a plate of chicken parmesan for dinner while I'm at it.....



30 comments:

  1. Haha. OMG. The thoughts that run in our heads when we can't sleep. I often just write down my thoughts because I use it on my blog. Because after waking up, I couldn't remember a thing.

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    1. I'm the same way----too hard to remember the crazy thoughts in the morning.

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  2. I think we need an insomniac's FB group or something. My daughter and I are the "light" sleepers, which means we wake up all night and think. I have similarly random thoughts and anxieties. Sometimes, I'm hit by creative inspiration... which is why I keep a notepad in my nightstand drawer. Often, if I can just get those worries out of my head and down on paper, I can let them go. That said, would be fun to just get up and see who's up and unable to sleep and talk about cheese:)

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    1. I would LOVE a FB group like that! I'd ask everyone what they were eating right at that moment, LOL!

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  3. Oh my goodness, Marcia, sadly I know exactly what you're talking about, except I only know your second scenario. Also once I am aware of the time I start calculating. It's 4am now, it I manage to fall asleep RIGHT NOW I get 2.5 hours of sleep until I need to get up!!! It's killing me.

    "Practice fake sleep", yeah, fake it till you make it!

    Hope tonight will be better for you! ♥

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    1. I play the same game with my digital clock. "Can I make it through the day with just two hours of sleep? Or even one?"

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  4. Thoughts like those- and manifold others- always reverberate in my head. 24X7. Which is why when I finally am willing to succumb to slumber, I turn on the TV- either to the news (when it is a slow news day) or to a movie I've seen and barely liked. It bores my mind to death and fall asleep within minutes (seconds?). And, then the tv magically turns off in 59 minutes....

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    1. Sounds like a good idea---I need to try that!

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  5. That was hilarious. I imagined each of the thought scenarios you described and tried to understand what that would be like. I have no idea. I hit the pillow and am asleep within a minute or two and never wake up until it is time to get up. Then I am wide awake and completely rested. It has always been this way so I cannot imagine what people who can't sleep go through - and I am very sorry for you and so many others. Yes, you should start a FB group to compare notes!

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    1. You are one of the lucky ones, Carol. I envy you! If it's not the insomnia that gets me, it's the numerous trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night. My bladder doesn't want me to sleep.

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  6. It's like you crept into my own brain! I do the same thing. Last night was a big three hours of sleep. Woo hoo! Love your writing so much, Marcia. You always hit it right on. Glad I'm not alone!

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    1. Awwww thanks so much, Dawn! Glad to see here, and hopefully tonight we will both be able to get some rest!

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  7. Bwahahahaha! Love this! Because misery loves company. Sigh. You can call me at 2 AM. I'll be awake. We can discuss that red-headed kid's name who peed himself in second grade in the desk right in front of me. That kept me up all last night . . . Plus what could possibly be happening to Grey on Grey's Anatomy. What was she thinking??!!

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    1. OMG yes------I was thinking about Grey's last night, too!!

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  8. OMG! We are like twins...I have the same thoughts..always think of strange and weird things when I have one of those nights..the other nights a hurricane couldn't wake me up.... And didn't when my roof blew off..

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    1. Wow, so crazy! When I fall into a deep sleep, I never hear my son come home or my husband's alarm clock. Those are always good nights for me!!

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  9. WOW! You have thoughts from all over. I don't suffer from insomnia.... yet. Now you have me thinking of chicken parmesan. I'll have to find a recipe.

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    1. It has been on my mind the last three nights....

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  10. Oh, this is hilarious! I can relate to so many of these random thoughts. Don't sleep with one leg outside the covers? Hahahahaha! Planning a major reno in your head? Fabulous post, Marcia. Thanks for the laughs!! :D

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    1. Thanks, Lisa! My mind never stops spinning, spinning.....

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  11. Yeah, I think your post and my post today are sisters.
    Sadly, many of those thoughts have been middle of the night visitors to my house too. I HATE the cancer one! Oh, the things I can convince myself of in those late night hours.

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    1. Scary, isn't it? And then I see Hubs sleeping soundly beside me and I am sooooo jealous he can do that........

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  12. You have me in hysterics over here in San Diego! I must admit I do have a pen and paper by my bed to write down any really important issues that need addressing the next day. It does help me allow myself to get back to sleep and to NOT wake up David. Seriously, though.........talk to your dr about Melatonin . Many people love it. You need to get some ZZZZZZZ's!

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    1. Glad you liked the post, Ellen! Thanks! And yes, I think it's time I try the melatonin.

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  13. You are hilarious Marcia! I so relate to what you're saying about the middle of the night thoughts. I actually got up and sent an email at like 3am on Friday. Yikes! Also chicken chow mein probably tastes totally great cold in the middle of the night! :)

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    1. Yes, its actually does....not that I would know this first hand.......

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  14. Haha, Oh Marcia, you captured insomnia to a tee... I suffer from it too as you know and I go through the same thing laying there at night... I flip sides, take of the covers, cover up completely... play crib on my phone.. go pee... check out Instagram.. think about what I will make for lunch the next day... pee again... oh and finally nod off for a couple of hours, to do it all again... menopause can be a pain.. xox

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