My guest blogger today is a very talented writer I met at the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop in 2014 and again in 2016. Kathryn (Kate) Mayer and I hit it off immediately when we ended up sitting next to each other at the lunch table, and she has kept me entertained with her funny stories ever since that first day. In 2016 we connected with several other writers at the conference, and our special group, "the women from room 473" was formed. We bounce creative ideas off each other, seek career and personal advise, and support one another in all of our writing endeavors. I am so fortunate to know Kate and all the other talented writers I met at the conference!Today, Kate is sharing her colonoscopy story with us while spreading a message about the necessity of having the procedure done. Please welcome her to Meno Mama's site with lots of comment love.... and spread the word!
NOT YOUR TYPICAL ASS STORY
I should have an EZ Pass to the local surgical center, or at least a customer rewards card. Having been bottoms up more times than I can remember, the least I could get is a free sandwich? Cup of clear fluid? Anything?
Just completed my umpteenth colonoscopy, and lived to tell about it.
Way back when, after having “symptoms,” I met with a gastroenterologist who quickly said, “Four kids? You’ve got hemorrhoids, but we’ll poke around up there to take a look to make sure.” (“Symptoms” is the polite way of saying blood in your shit, which is the polite way of saying blood in your “stool” – because who beside medical copywriters calls shit stool?? Shit is shit, stool is to reach high shelves.)
And with that look, he saved my life. Because had I waited until 50, I’d be dead. So instead, I got the first of many colonoscopies at 42, pending accessible health benefits and/or a ride home.
So this week I went in again to see my favorite ass doc.
“I so wish you wouldn’t call me that,” he said to me. Prude, even after all these years.
I did my hair because after the ass exam, I had a GVP protest to attend, then my kid’s basketball game, then my writing group. ‘Cuz you just can’t let a little scary polyp party hold you back.
Did I mention I had really, really good hair? I was hoping to draw the ass doc’s eye upward, like they teach you on Fashion Police and Project Runway, far from the 50 year old crater staring him straight in the face.
I don’t think he noticed. The hair.
What he did notice was a clean as a whistle colon, and a reprieve of seeing him again for 4 years. Which I might or might not do, pending health benefits.
Here’s the thing about colonoscopies: they’re not so bad.
Sure the drink is gross, but not intolerable. The pissing out your asshole is alarming, but doable – with baby-wipes (trust me on this). There’s no stomach cramps to accompany the explosions, which they should tell you but they don’t. Pain free diarrhea, what a bonus.
Just stay close to the bathroom and all is good in the world. The worse thing is being hungry, yet we could all stand to be a little hungrier here in fat-pants USA.
So bring a funny friend to laugh it out, and take care of yourself.
The worse thing about colonoscopies is waiting too long to get one, because then it’s too late to do anything about what they find, and no one will care how nice your hair looks.
BIO:
BIO:
Kate Mayer potty-mouthed, irreverent writer, humorist, and activist writing out loud at www.kathrynmayer.com, and occasionally funny on Facebook, Instagram & Twitter as @KLMcopy. She writes with humor, wit, and a great dose of levity about teenagers, aging parents, midlife, social issues, and, sigh, gun violence prevention. Her essays appear on line at Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, BluntMoms, Scary Mommy, BlogHer, Grown & Flown, Purple Clover, Midlife Boulevard, and she is a proud Listen To Your Mother NYC alum.
Good stuff! I agree that the prep is bad but avoiding a colonoscopy can be much worse. Glad you've kept your sense of humor!
ReplyDeleteGotta keep laughing! Thanks for the read!
DeleteWell, turning 50 this year, so this is in my near future. The being hungry part is what I worry about most, and the stuff to drink seems nasty. But, I am on board because I've become convinced that the benefits of having this done, and the possible early intervention, are worth it.
ReplyDeleteAin't so bad, I promise! Use a straw and lotsolotso ice!
DeleteThis summer I'm due again. Yes, it's just the thought of it that makes us a little crazy. The reality ain't so bad.
ReplyDeleteBoobs and butts; get em done and check em off the list! Good luck!
DeleteKate, I just love you so much. You crack me the hell up. Thank you for this; it's timely because I have to have a colonoscopy very soon. Ugh. But now I have a better idea of what to expect. I shall raise my glass of gross liquid to you, my friend. So glad you're here to give us the 411. xox
ReplyDeleteLinda, when you get the butt probe, promise me you will blog about it!!!!
DeleteBottoms up my friend, bottoms up!
DeleteI have a colonoscopy every five years and so far so good. I know people who dread this procedure but it's really not so bad. Fun post.
ReplyDeleteThe procedure is not so bad, but the prep work the day before is a pain in the ass (see what I just did there?).
DeleteStephen, we could double date!
DeleteHilarious yet a serious topic. We don't like to talk about our poop. Good for you, Kathryn for addressing this head on. Thanks for sharing, Marcia. I've reached the age where this is a definite test of necessity.
ReplyDeleteThe procedure really isn't that bad, either.
DeleteMammogram is 1000x worse, IMhO, but both a fine fine preference to ignoring the preventable! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteGood inspiration to keep up with the colonoscopy schedule! It really is a great diagnostic test so it should be a no brainer for everyone but... the prep is not fun! That said, cancer is no fun either! We all have to adult up and have it done.
ReplyDeleteAs someone with a recurrent haemorrhoid problem, I can empathise with the awkwardness of strangers peering up your posterior canyon. At initial assessment, my doc was flirting with one of his female medical students while he had his finger up my arse. (Needless to say, I wrote a blog about it at the time).
ReplyDeleteOMG I remember that story---so funny!!!!
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