Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Zombie Blogger

     I wasn't always this way. Six months ago I didn't have a clue as to how to turn on a computer. Didn't even  know what  Safari or Internet Explorer was. I'd see my kids feverishly typing replies on Facebook and my husband sharing YouTube videos with his friends...and I just didn't get what all the fuss was about. Most evenings after dinner everyone in the family had their noses buried in their computers. Except me. I preferred to spend my nights curled up with a good, old-fashioned, paperback novel.
     My husband decided to ease me into the world of technology slowly. First came the hot pink iPod he bought me for my birthday. After dozens of failed attempts to find and store my favorite songs (I'm so technologically challenged, I couldn't figure out how to scroll through play lists or adjust the volume), I threw the expensive gadget at my husband and told him to take the stupid thing back to the store for a refund.
     A glutton for punishment, the poor man tried once again by giving me a Nook the following Christmas (this time he inched away slowly as I unwrapped the present). I plastered  a smile on my face, thanked him for the lovely gift, and promptly deposited it in my under ware drawer because I had no intention of ever using it. I liked my paperback novels and no fancy gadget was going to replace them.
     A year later, my kids found the Nook, dusted it off and shoved it into my hands. It was time for me to step out of the disco era and learn some technology.
     It took awhile, but I finally got the hang of it and actually looked forward to reading my favorite novels on the Nook at bedtime.
     The true test came last summer when my husband dragged me to a computer class for beginners. My first day there, it was a bit disheartening to see that I was the only person present without hair the color of a Q-tip. As much as I wanted to bolt from the room, I forged on and slowly began to grasp the exhilarating freedom of internet exploration. I had stepped into a brand new world, and there was no way I was going to crawl back into the dark cave I had come from, where finger painting buffalo on the stone walls with berry juice was the norm. It was as if I'd been invited into a secret society of Facebook users, email fanatics and YouTube addicts. Google became my favorite word of the day, and I wanted everyone to know that I was finally hip to using a computer.
      And then I heard about blogging. I was fascinated by the concept of sharing my opinions and personal experiences on the internet, to bare my soul to millions of people around the world and then leaving myself open to their colorful comments on my blog posts.
     Oh, I was hooked. I began reading hundreds of blogs, contacting authors and eventually setting up my own blog site. Pretty soon I was eating all of my meals by the computer and avoiding telephone calls. The bills were paid late and dirty dishes filled the sink. Laundry seemed like an archaic concept, so I just let it pile up like Mount Rushmore. Home cooked dinners became store-bought meals heated in the microwave as my cooking skills took a back seat to my computer skills. Even chocolate could not distract me from my  computer, which would explain how I dropped a few pounds. The scale was smiling at me for the first time in years. Who knew blogging was more effective than diet pills for weight loss?
     What once amused my family now annoyed the heck out of them. They were sick of eating frozen pizza every night and walking around in wrinkled clothes that smelled like a ferret's cage. They would stand beside my desk and wait for me to acknowledge them, but my brain had turned into blogger zombie mush, and all I could do was stare blankly at the computer screen.

     "Who are you people?"
     "We're your children!"
     " I have kids? When did that happen?"

     "Honey, there's a herd of elephants stampeding down the street and they're headed for our house!"
     "Okay...just sprinkle mozzarella cheese on them and bake them at 400 degrees."

      It was no use. They tried plying me away from the computer with wine, chocolate truffles, a Disney vacation, a puppy...I was lost in a zombie land daze, where every blogger survives on large doses of caffeine and a list of followers longer than the phone book.
     And then the unthinkable happened. Out internet went down during a storm, and I was without my beloved computer for the entire weekend. At first, panic set in. Then anger and blame...sort of like Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief. I wandered aimlessly through the house and checked the cable connection every five minutes to see if the power had been restored. Meanwhile, my family was desperately searching for a Bloggers Anonymous support group.
     I was forced to brush the cobwebs off the stove and actually use the appliance to cook a healthy meal for my family. Next, I tackled the overflowing basket of laundry. Some of those pants were so dirty they could have sprouted legs and carried themselves out the door.
     After wiping the film from my eyes, I saw my family clearly for the first time in months.

     "Oh yeah, now I recognize you...you're the son I gave birth to sixteen years ago...and there's the daughter I celebrated a twenty-first birthday with...and hey, isn't that handsome man over there on the couch with a beer in one hand and the television remote control in the other my husband?"

     Welcome back to the land of the living!
     The internet was finally restored and my computer hummed back to life. I circled it a few times, caressed its shiny top and dreamed of all the new blog posts I'd like to write. I knew there were hundreds of  emails just waiting to be opened, but I resisted the urge to touch the keys and focused on my family instead.
     The obsession is still there; I've just learned to harness that energy into more productive things...like organizing my spice rack or cleaning out the dryer lint trap.
     The zombies are still calling to me, and some nights when the house is quiet and the caffeine is singing through my veins, I can't resist opening my laptop and blogging with the rest of the insomniacs of the world...as long as my husband isn't waiting outside the window with the garden shears, ready to snip the cable line!

55 comments:

  1. Interesting post. Internet is such a temptation.

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  2. Great post! You write so well, I love the 'heard of elephants, sprinkle with mozzarella' bit, haha!

    Holli x
    Dragonmommy123.blogspot.com

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  3. love your story mama..even me sometimes feel totally addicted..when internet went off for a days, feel like my life isn't complete..

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  4. bwhahaha this is ringing so close to home. When I first last my job, I went to the computer. I got stuck there for about a year, met tons of ppl. In fact I am still efriends with most of them to this day. Now I can walk away from my office and meet everyone at the door when they come home...BUT lets NOT talk about my iphone, cause thats another post ;)

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  5. Ha ha, That is brilliant and so very true! Facebook was my addiction - i was literally on it day and night! You'll be pleased to know it will eventually ween away...well until the next great media idea springs up at least... :-) xx

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  6. Hi mama, I second your opinion..Internet and all these things are very addictive.
    A well written post, I liked it !
    Now it seems I'm addicted to your blog posts :)

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  7. Thank you Kitty! As long as I can keep you smiling, I know I've done a good job! Thanks for stopping by!

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  8. Great post. I remember years ago I was hesitant about using computers and digital cameras :)

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  9. It all sounds rather familiar... I'm going to tell my wife about you...

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  10. Diana---I just learned how to use my digital camera, so don't feel bad! Rob---looks like your wife and i have a lot in common! Definitely share the blog post with her!!!

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  11. Hi from your newest follower! Thank you for stopping by my blog!

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  12. Thank you so much! Glad to bring you a smile today!!

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  13. lol you write really good, pretty entertaining (: made me laugh!

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  14. Thanks Raisa! Hope you enjoyed Jack's Zombie pic from The Walking Dead! Crazy stuff, huh?

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  15. Nice read example too...nice to see how well Information technology is shaping up!

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  16. "and there was no way I was going to crawl back into the dark cave I had come from, where finger painting buffalo on the stone walls with berry juice was the norm."
    You are hilarious, I have thoroughly enjoyed keeping up with your blog, this post in particular strikes a nerve. I think you are telling the story of many bloggers...It is addictive.
    Thank you, I am often a very serious minded person, sometimes I just need a chuckle, something to break a stressful frame of mind... I can always count on a smile and a laugh from your blog.

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  17. Thank you, Jon, for the kind words! Just knowing I can brighten your day like that makes me feel great!!! I'm writing these blog posts for this very reason----to make people smile, especially when sometimes it feels as if there isn't very much to smile about! Humor is often what gets us through the day!!!

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  18. Great post! I love the humor you use to tell your stories!

    ♥ Shia

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  19. Made me smile, this! I experienced the same some years ago. I guess the keyword here is moderation. Anything done excessively or insufficiently is never good :}

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  20. Lol I usually don't read posts, just look at the pictures but I read every word on this one and wasn't disappointed. You are so funny and I appreciate a laugh. Thank you so much for following my blog I have linked you on my page so I can read every post.

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  21. Noir HA, you are so correct! But I'm still learning this lesson! Belly Dancer, thank you for taking the time to stop by and check out the blog! Hope you'll enjoy the future posts!!

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  22. Yes it's hard to get that balance. I am usually an all or nothing blogger but I could never leave it as after four years it's part of my life.

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  23. Love your post! You are hundreds of steps ahead of me. I am struggling on my own to find my way into this blogging....
    Keep up the fun!

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  24. Hi Lilly---I agree--blogging really gets to you after you've done it for awhile---you just want more and more of it! Dermaradiance, thanks for stopping by! Keep blogging---you'll get completely attached in no time! Have FUN with it!

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  25. I absolutely love this blog post. It made me laugh. Thank you for sharing :) x

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  26. internet is highly addictive...and I dont want rehab hahaha

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  27. Phew !!! Glad to know I'm not alone!!! Yep, we're all sucked into the internet vortex!!!

    Hi! Stopping by from MBC. Great blog!
    Have a nice day!

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  28. I can relate to this. =) Although, I'm not that addicted but yes, the temptation is there - like it's pulling me towards it. :D

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  29. The computers "call out to us", don't they?? So hard to resist when there is laundry to be done and dishes to be washed! I prefer the internet hands down!!!

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  30. Hi again!!

    Swinging by once more to follow your lovely blog.
    Happy Tuesday!

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  31. beautifully written, I really enjoyed this, I discovered computers in 2000...and can completely relate to the zombie feeling 5 hours wizzed by, when I zoned into the internet, as if it were merely 2!!!! I think back then pages took a lot longer to turn on those heavy clonky old computers...

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  32. Thank goodness I didn't know how to operate a computer when they were the huge, clunky models! I'm loving my little laptop! Also makes it a little too easy to stay glued to the internet!!

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  33. Great post. I too was faced with the same problem, but I solved it by gluing my wife's kindle to our vacuum cleaner. She responded attaching my ipad to the snow snow shovel. Not to be outdone, I taped her Android phone to her vibrator.

    The doctor says that I should be able to take solid food in a day or two....

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  34. Hey, this is a well-written and humorous look at getting hopelessy hooked on the computer. I can really relate. It wasn't a storm that interupted my little fantasy world, but the blue screen of death. I was without a computer for months. My blog was on there just idling without me. I considered going to the library, but resisted. I too, have a Nook. I loaded it with free literary and deep philosophical stuff and then my WiFi went out and I just was too apathetic to get another wireless router. It is as simple as this. Technology activates the pleasure centers of our brains. The author jokes, but psychological studies show how people will starve themselves rather than deactivate that pleasure center. No kidding!

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  35. Thanks for adding me on blogger. I have only just joined and find the site quite scary. Yours is the only nice relevant friend request I have had. I have followed you on Networked Blogs as I find that less scary! ;o) Lovely to find you!

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  36. Ketchup Chips---again you crack me up! Always a pleasure to see that you have stopped by my site!
    Bombadil---Hard to imagine giving up food for a computer...I LOVE my Mac, but you put a good rum cake in front of me and....rum cake wins!
    Charlotte---yes, I am one of the tame ones, and so very glad you stopped by and joined my site. I promise, my blogs don't bite!

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  37. thank..wow cool your info title post articel and story,thanks..

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  38. Hey, that was really cool! You write so well! I'm hooked too, I must admit. But we're inexpensive to entertain - just put us in front of a computer and we're good for hours!

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    1. Thanks, Noreen! Yes, as bloggers, you can't drag us away from the computer, right? I'd probably sit here for 24 hours if someone in my family didn't pull me out of the chair and remind me to cook dinner!!!

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  39. Haha It is most definitely addictive hun. I am now a Twitter-holic too. I am constantly updated my status etc and is so easy to do so on the go (from mobile). I try and blog as and when I can. Gets hard what with a three year old in tow. Im enjoying reading your blog and glad to have met you :-) Keep up the good work and if you want to send some of that wine and chocolate truffles my way feel free. I live at.... ;-) xx

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    1. Hi Kate! Welcome to my blog! Glad you stopped by. Yes, it is hard to blog while the kids are home and there are so many other family demands going on. Fortunately my kids are older now---I can't imagine trying to blog with a three-year-old with me at the same time---I give you credit for being able to do it so well! And yes---I'll be sure to send you some of those chocolates and some good wine!!!

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  40. If your husband pulling the cable, I think you do not need to worry because you can use a usb modem, if you have not got then you should buy it. One question from me, do you not fear of a zombie?

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    1. Haha--that's funny! I'll always find a way to use my computer, even if there is a hurricane going on outside! Nah, I'm not afraid of zombies---I have special protection from them---a lot of dogs! Haha!

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  41. Its great to read that you are now back to computer world or blogs world, Blogging is a addiction, I was search about menopause but when i start read this post i cant stop my self. Thanks

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    1. So glad you found me and that you enjoyed this blog post!

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  42. your posting is very good about Zombie Blogger

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