Friday, February 1, 2013

Valentine's Day Gift Horrors

     This is my third time participating in the Secret Subject Swap with 15 other talented bloggers, hosted by Karen @ http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt question today comes from the awesome blogger Tracy @ http://www.momaical.com.
     I've decided to do something different this time with my prompt question, which happens to be: "Your significant other just gave you the worst Valentine's Day gift ever. What is it and how do you react?" This is my off-the-wall interpretation of the prompt, written in the form of a tacky, rhyming poem. Let's see who can make it to the bottom of the page without running for the hills.


VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT HORRORS

I asked my husband for a Beemer
he misunderstood and gave me a lemur

I had hoped for a diamond ring
years later I ended up with four offspring

"How about a fancy dinner?"
He said, "Forget it--you need to get thinner."

I asked for a pug puppy
I ended up with a Bubble Guppy

I was looking for romance
he offered to buy me implants

All I wanted was his heart
he pulled up in the driveway with an ox cart

I asked for a night on the town
instead he sent me a scary, fat clown

When I asked for steamy sex
he told me he was out of latex

I mentioned flashy jewelry
he took me instead to a warehouse brewery

I really wanted chocolate candy
I ended up with a mean guinea pig named Andy

I asked for sexy lingerie
but to my dismay
he gave me a pink bidet

I wanted roses that were red
he bought himself a tool shed

When I asked for a sign of his love

he sent me one white, pooping dove

I was craving a chocolate eclair
but I got a man with no hair
who danced like Fred Astaire

After years of misunderstood Valentine's gifts
we've had our share of tiffs

I know his gifts were from the heart
but they were all wrong from the start

Rather than cursing him to Hades
I bought him instead, a pair of hearing aids!


Here are the other fab bloggers participating in SSS. Be sure to stop by and say hello to them!
www.BakingInATornado.com
http://dinoheromommy.com/
http://smn0409.blogspot.com/
http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/
http://www.quirkychrissy.com
http://www.momaical.com
http://lifeonthesonnyside.blogspot.com/
http://www.chewylicious.com
http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/
www.amotherlife.com
http://followmehome.shellybean.com
http://www.100lbCountdown.com
http://www.somethingclever2point0.com/
http://www.justalittlenutty.com/
http://mybrainonkids.net/ 



Love what you read here? Check out the Circle Of Moms contest I'm in (click on link below and it will take you right to it) and cast your vote for Menopausal Mother. She needs some lovin' today! http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Funny-Moms-2013
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94 comments:

  1. Just Keepin It Real, Folks!February 1, 2013 at 10:08 AM

    That is awesome!!!! Never discount your bidet for some steamy sex though.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Karen @BakingInATornadoFebruary 1, 2013 at 10:21 AM

    You are hysterical. Love your poem. True love sure takes some turning the other cheek, doesn't it? Bidets and hearing aids? Love it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:40 AM

      Thank you again for putting these Swaps together--the prompts really help me come up with this crazy stuff. And yeah, those hearing aids will come in handy!

      Delete
  3. AnonymousFebruary 1, 2013 at 10:37 AM

    oh man this is great babe, I spit my coffee out. I've gotten bad gifts too, which is I just ask for a card, lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:42 AM

      I think I'm go gin to take your advice and ask for a nice card this year, too. Or maybe cash. He can't screw that up...or can he?

      Delete
  4. UnknownFebruary 1, 2013 at 10:38 AM

    Ahahahahahaha love this!!!! Great job with my prompt!
    Tracy @ Momaical

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:42 AM

      I thank you for coming up with the idea! I was thrilled when I got it because I knew I could think of lots of wicked things for Valentines day!!

      Delete
  5. Rum-Punch DrunkFebruary 1, 2013 at 10:46 AM

    Oh, another wonderful post that made me laugh and cry at the same time. Loved the poem to no end. Poetry is another notch on your belt. Loved the photos too, those poor animals look so cute, ha ha ha ha.
    I've been voting every day for you too. Climb that ladder Lady M. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:45 AM

      Ohhh I just adore you, RPD! You made my day--you always know just what to say! The pug in that picture above is my little boy Brewski. He's a character--I could write an entire blog post about him! Hey, thank you SO MUCH from the bottom of my heart for all the votes--that means the world to me! XOXO

      Delete
  6. JenFebruary 1, 2013 at 10:52 AM

    I love this post, especially about getting a lemur haha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:47 AM

      I love lemurs!!! I need to add them to the menagerie of animals I already have!

      Delete
  7. BethFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:05 AM

    Great post. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mommy RefFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:13 AM

    Love the way you tackled this topic! I would not have thought of it! Funny! Great job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:48 AM

      I was lucky--it was an easy prompt and a FUN one to work with. The minute I got it, I just knew I had to write a Valentine poem. So glad you like it!

      Delete
  9. Michele MarriottFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:25 AM

    Your poem rocks, MM. It sounds like every man I know. They do try so hard, don't they?I wouldn't have minded the bidet or the warehouse brewery (you know me), but the scary clown would have been grounds for divorce. XXX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:51 AM

      Yeah, that clown in the picture is probably going to give me a few nightmares. And I really do have a fear of clowns in general. My hubs really does try to do nice things on Valentine's Day, but I'm not kidding--he gets some weird gifts sometimes. Gotta love 'em! Maybe next time you and I can go to the brewery together for a few--what do you say? :-)

      Delete
    2. Michele MarriottFebruary 1, 2013 at 2:16 PM

      I say, pick a day, woman! I could use the warm weather! ...and a drink or 6.

      Delete
    3. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 2:19 PM

      You're my kinda gal!!!

      Delete
  10. Sandra TylerFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:25 AM

    wow, now you can do rhyming stuff! Multitalented!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:52 AM

      Haha--I have a lot of experience with poetry--just not this kind Lol!

      Delete
  11. UnknownFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:27 AM

    Thank you so much for this! I needed to laugh, and laugh I did, I'm still giggling. My favorite was the "fat scary clown"!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:53 AM

      Clowns scare the crap out of me. Whenever I find the creepiest ones, I send the pictures to my kids' Facebook walls. I'm weird like that. Glad I could provide some laughter in your day!

      Delete
    2. UnknownFebruary 1, 2013 at 9:22 PM

      He's from two of my favorite horror movies!!

      Delete
    3. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 10:00 PM

      Oh God! Horror movies with clowns will give me nightmares for weeks. Bring on the zombies and I'll sleep just fine.

      Delete
  12. AnonymousFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:32 AM

    I want a pink bidet!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Jen ProvenzanoFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:51 AM

    I loved finding you through the SSS...you're quickly becoming one of my very new faves! Totally fun take on the prompt! Loved it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:55 AM

      Awww thanks, Jen! I'm a fan of your blogging talent as well! Thank you for the kind words!

      Delete
  14. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:54 AM

    Thanks for the follow, Navin. I'll be sure to check out your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Molley@A Mother LifeFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:55 AM

    When in doubt slay them with poetry.. That's a rule right? This was very creative and I love it. Yay you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 12:01 PM

      I had a blast writing it! Glad you liked it, Molley!

      Delete
  16. ChristineFebruary 1, 2013 at 12:33 PM

    I love how your mind works! So stinkin' funny. I only wish my husband's bad gifts could be blamed on a hearing problem.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 12:50 PM

      I think it gets to the point where we have to buy our own gifts from now on...like a trip to Hawaii or even a date with Johnny Depp...I'm not picky....

      Delete
  17. UnknownFebruary 1, 2013 at 1:22 PM

    Pretty funny "poem." Enjoyed...

    Take care, Slu

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 1:37 PM

      Glad you liked it. I'm a poet and I didn't know it! Lol!

      Delete
  18. UnknownFebruary 1, 2013 at 2:08 PM

    I've read it twice already it ticked me so much! Awesome rhyming: lingerie and pink bidet, HAHA!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 2:18 PM

      Thanks, Josie! Glad you liked it enough to read it twice. And all this time I thought my poetry skills from school were rusty.....

      Delete
  19. I'm free of the abuseFebruary 1, 2013 at 2:23 PM

    Awesome! Loved it! Great rhyming!

    Worst <3 gift ever: My daughter's dad and I got engaged and for our 1st valentine's day together he got me a beautiful necklace. He picked it out all by himself. I guess that taxed all his creativity because he got my sister the same necklace....... He was so proud of himself for being nice to my sister. Le' Sigh.

    Needless to say, we're not married.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 3:04 PM

      Oh Holy crap!!! Sounds like you did the right thing by getting out of THAT relationship!!

      Delete
  20. Sarah NolanFebruary 1, 2013 at 2:34 PM

    LOVED IT!!!!!!
    Oh man that was awesome!!
    You did a great job!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 3:06 PM

      Thanks, Momisodes!!! It means a lot coming from you! Glad you enjoyed it!

      Delete
  21. Jon WhitingFebruary 1, 2013 at 3:03 PM

    I'll bet that was a fun one to write. Love your wit. Glad I stopped by for the chuckle. I don't understand though, I thought his gifts were really good...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 3:07 PM

      Well, perhaps the pink bidet...and the lemur...I DO love lemurs....

      Delete
  22. UnknownFebruary 1, 2013 at 4:20 PM

    LOL!!! That was awesome!! Yes, I guess he did need hearing aids!! :D Love your take on the prompt!

    ReplyDelete
  23. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 5:23 PM

    It's true--he really does. Always claims he didn't hear me. Selective hearing, I call it.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Quirky ChrissyFebruary 1, 2013 at 6:39 PM

    Cute! Last year, I asked for a puppy...and I got a giant stuffed dog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 8:14 PM

      That's funny! This year you'll have to go pick out your own---like a nice, big Saint Bernard!

      Delete
  25. Tiffany N. YorkFebruary 1, 2013 at 6:57 PM

    LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! THAT WAS HILARIOUS! SO MUCH SO, THAT ALL CAPS ARE NEEDED TO DESCRIBE IT!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 8:15 PM

      Aww, thanks, Tiffany. That means a LOT coming from a talented writer like you! I really did have fun dusting off the poetry skills from bygone days.....

      Delete
  26. StephanieFebruary 1, 2013 at 9:50 PM

    Four kids, out of latex--makes sense to me :) :)

    Thank you for this! I laughed so loudly I woke my husband who was drooling all over my couch :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 1, 2013 at 9:57 PM

      This is hysterical!!! Poor Hubs. You'll have to do your funny reading in another room next time. Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  27. UnknownFebruary 1, 2013 at 10:34 PM

    Love your twist on the question. Maybe this Valentine's Day you can ask him to clean out his ears! I don't like that fat, scary clown.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 2, 2013 at 12:24 AM

      Hahaha everyone is talking about the clown!! And yes, I think my husband is growing sweet potatoes in his ears!!!

      Delete
  28. AnonymousFebruary 1, 2013 at 11:10 PM

    Way too funny -- I love the way you answered the prompt. Sadly I can see my dear hubby misinterpreting some of my gift requests...but maybe not to quite such an extreme!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 2, 2013 at 12:25 AM

      Let's hope not! Like I always say...cash works! Thanks for stopping by!

      Delete
  29. UnknownFebruary 2, 2013 at 12:25 AM

    Ha ha. You tackled the topic very well.

    ReplyDelete
  30. SaimiFebruary 2, 2013 at 1:31 AM

    Arn't you just the clever little poet!! Well done!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 2, 2013 at 10:19 AM

      Thanks, Saimi. It's fun to switch things up every now and then.

      Delete
  31. UnknownFebruary 2, 2013 at 4:22 PM

    That was awesome! LOVED IT! So talented!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 2, 2013 at 4:54 PM

      Thanks! Glad you liked it and happy to see you come by! :-)

      Delete
  32. AnonymousFebruary 2, 2013 at 5:22 PM

    " Mar Sea & Rocky"...they're in trouble now .
    All it took was " Rocunrol".
    And a whole lotta Lucky Lass Mines - Red Planet.
    Rice - Austria- SA .
    Tiffany knows what she's talking about.

    ReplyDelete
  33. SandraFebruary 2, 2013 at 7:20 PM

    Too cute. I love it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 3, 2013 at 12:54 AM

      Hi Sandra! Happy to have you here--I need to catch up with you so I'l be hopping over to your site real soon!

      Delete
  34. Brianna ReneeFebruary 3, 2013 at 12:40 AM

    these are too funny! haha :)

    i'm a new follower, via the fri chaos blog hop, and love your site!

    ReplyDelete
  35. AnonymousFebruary 4, 2013 at 10:02 AM

    That was adorable! Freaking fantastic, you almost made me love Valentine's Day. Almost. I couldn't write a poem to save my life. Great job :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 4, 2013 at 11:34 AM

      For obvious reasons, Valentines Day isn't one of my favorites, either. I'm afraid I'm going to end up with a goat this year...or possibly a pot-bellied pig.

      Delete
  36. menopausal mamaFebruary 4, 2013 at 11:32 AM

    Thanks, Gayle! I'll be sure to check out your site!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Linda RoyFebruary 4, 2013 at 4:34 PM

    Haha! I love it! Pug puppies over Bubble guppies any day!

    ReplyDelete
  38. vickyFebruary 4, 2013 at 5:19 PM

    Funny and you can rhyme, too! Loved your post as I always do. BTW I voted for you (again) at the "Circle of Moms" for the top 25 Funny Moms! You're doing great! Good Luck!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Jessica EustaceFebruary 4, 2013 at 6:50 PM

    Those were hilarious! Love the one about wanting a ring but got offspring. New follower from the GFC blog hop

    ReplyDelete
  40. Kristi CampbellFebruary 5, 2013 at 12:57 AM

    Oh my gosh, I don't participate in these prompt things but now I WANT TO. Awesome stuff. I think my favorite was
    I was looking for romance
    he offered to buy me implants
    Because - well, funny :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 5, 2013 at 10:35 AM

      Glad you liked the post, Kristi! You should contact Karen @ BakingInATornado and sign up for a Swap--I think you'd really enjoy it!

      Delete
  41. menopausal mamaFebruary 5, 2013 at 1:54 PM

    Glad you enjoyed it!

    ReplyDelete
  42. HomeFor4February 6, 2013 at 9:55 AM

    hahah! you just crack me up! especially when you asked for a sexy lingerie but you got a pink bidet!! lol!

    thank you for linking up with Fun Friday Blog Hop, i hope you're having fun blog hopping!

    see you next time, huggies♥
    rea

    ReplyDelete
  43. UnknownFebruary 6, 2013 at 11:19 AM

    Sorry to post this here but I couldn't find the
    post about the Thursday Cafe Hop. Following you
    via the hop return the follow please!

    ReplyDelete
  44. noel bresslerFebruary 7, 2013 at 8:26 AM

    Hey new follower!! This site is fantastic!!

    noel @ high heeled mama

    ReplyDelete
  45. BeckeyFebruary 7, 2013 at 1:24 PM

    Whoa... that is a history of miserable valentine's days!! Seriously LOL! Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 7, 2013 at 4:44 PM

      Thanks, Beckey! Glad I could bring a smile to your day!

      Delete
  46. Bohemian BabushkaFebruary 7, 2013 at 8:47 PM

    Hey mujer, it's Babushka, here again from the Thursday Thumping Blog Hop and hate to tell ya- he's past the hearing aid stage. Just take the credit cards and say Gracias! BB2U

    P.S. Works great for my Sweetie and me- never a disappointment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. menopausal mamaFebruary 7, 2013 at 11:44 PM

      Good advice! Thanks for the visit, Bohemian Babushka!

      Delete
  47. Sandra TylerFebruary 9, 2013 at 8:20 PM

    I"m passing this on to you Did you just pass this on to me??
    http://www.awriterweavesatale.com/2013/02/10/inspiring-blogger-award-im-inspiring/

    ReplyDelete
  48. PanchaliFebruary 15, 2013 at 12:14 PM

    AWESOME! I am still chuckling, MM! :))

    ReplyDelete
  49. menopausal mamaFebruary 15, 2013 at 2:13 PM

    Glad I could bring a smile to your face today!

    ReplyDelete

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