Friday, February 1, 2013

Valentine's Day Gift Horrors

     This is my third time participating in the Secret Subject Swap with 15 other talented bloggers, hosted by Karen @ http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt question today comes from the awesome blogger Tracy @ http://www.momaical.com.
     I've decided to do something different this time with my prompt question, which happens to be: "Your significant other just gave you the worst Valentine's Day gift ever. What is it and how do you react?" This is my off-the-wall interpretation of the prompt, written in the form of a tacky, rhyming poem. Let's see who can make it to the bottom of the page without running for the hills.


VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT HORRORS

I asked my husband for a Beemer
he misunderstood and gave me a lemur

I had hoped for a diamond ring
years later I ended up with four offspring

"How about a fancy dinner?"
He said, "Forget it--you need to get thinner."

I asked for a pug puppy
I ended up with a Bubble Guppy

I was looking for romance
he offered to buy me implants

All I wanted was his heart
he pulled up in the driveway with an ox cart

I asked for a night on the town
instead he sent me a scary, fat clown

When I asked for steamy sex
he told me he was out of latex

I mentioned flashy jewelry
he took me instead to a warehouse brewery

I really wanted chocolate candy
I ended up with a mean guinea pig named Andy

I asked for sexy lingerie
but to my dismay
he gave me a pink bidet

I wanted roses that were red
he bought himself a tool shed

When I asked for a sign of his love

he sent me one white, pooping dove

I was craving a chocolate eclair
but I got a man with no hair
who danced like Fred Astaire

After years of misunderstood Valentine's gifts
we've had our share of tiffs

I know his gifts were from the heart
but they were all wrong from the start

Rather than cursing him to Hades
I bought him instead, a pair of hearing aids!


Here are the other fab bloggers participating in SSS. Be sure to stop by and say hello to them!





Love what you read here? Check out the Circle Of Moms contest I'm in (click on link below and it will take you right to it) and cast your vote for Menopausal Mother. She needs some lovin' today! http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Funny-Moms-2013

97 comments:

  1. That is awesome!!!! Never discount your bidet for some steamy sex though.

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  2. You are hysterical. Love your poem. True love sure takes some turning the other cheek, doesn't it? Bidets and hearing aids? Love it!

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    1. Thank you again for putting these Swaps together--the prompts really help me come up with this crazy stuff. And yeah, those hearing aids will come in handy!

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  3. oh man this is great babe, I spit my coffee out. I've gotten bad gifts too, which is I just ask for a card, lol.

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    1. I think I'm go gin to take your advice and ask for a nice card this year, too. Or maybe cash. He can't screw that up...or can he?

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  4. Ahahahahahaha love this!!!! Great job with my prompt!
    Tracy @ Momaical

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    1. I thank you for coming up with the idea! I was thrilled when I got it because I knew I could think of lots of wicked things for Valentines day!!

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  5. Oh, another wonderful post that made me laugh and cry at the same time. Loved the poem to no end. Poetry is another notch on your belt. Loved the photos too, those poor animals look so cute, ha ha ha ha.
    I've been voting every day for you too. Climb that ladder Lady M. :)

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    1. Ohhh I just adore you, RPD! You made my day--you always know just what to say! The pug in that picture above is my little boy Brewski. He's a character--I could write an entire blog post about him! Hey, thank you SO MUCH from the bottom of my heart for all the votes--that means the world to me! XOXO

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  6. I love this post, especially about getting a lemur haha.

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    1. I love lemurs!!! I need to add them to the menagerie of animals I already have!

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  7. Replies
    1. Thanks, Beth! Glad to see you here again!

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  8. Love the way you tackled this topic! I would not have thought of it! Funny! Great job!

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    1. I was lucky--it was an easy prompt and a FUN one to work with. The minute I got it, I just knew I had to write a Valentine poem. So glad you like it!

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  9. Your poem rocks, MM. It sounds like every man I know. They do try so hard, don't they?I wouldn't have minded the bidet or the warehouse brewery (you know me), but the scary clown would have been grounds for divorce. XXX

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    1. Yeah, that clown in the picture is probably going to give me a few nightmares. And I really do have a fear of clowns in general. My hubs really does try to do nice things on Valentine's Day, but I'm not kidding--he gets some weird gifts sometimes. Gotta love 'em! Maybe next time you and I can go to the brewery together for a few--what do you say? :-)

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    2. I say, pick a day, woman! I could use the warm weather! ...and a drink or 6.

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  10. wow, now you can do rhyming stuff! Multitalented!

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    1. Haha--I have a lot of experience with poetry--just not this kind Lol!

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  11. Thank you so much for this! I needed to laugh, and laugh I did, I'm still giggling. My favorite was the "fat scary clown"!

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    1. Clowns scare the crap out of me. Whenever I find the creepiest ones, I send the pictures to my kids' Facebook walls. I'm weird like that. Glad I could provide some laughter in your day!

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    2. He's from two of my favorite horror movies!!

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    3. Oh God! Horror movies with clowns will give me nightmares for weeks. Bring on the zombies and I'll sleep just fine.

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  12. Just Followed your Blog through the TGIF Blog Hop, would love a follow back if you have a chance

    Navin

    www.thesoupprince.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks for the follow, Navin. I'll be sure to check out your blog!

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  13. I loved finding you through the SSS...you're quickly becoming one of my very new faves! Totally fun take on the prompt! Loved it!

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    1. Awww thanks, Jen! I'm a fan of your blogging talent as well! Thank you for the kind words!

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  14. When in doubt slay them with poetry.. That's a rule right? This was very creative and I love it. Yay you.

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    1. I had a blast writing it! Glad you liked it, Molley!

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  15. I love how your mind works! So stinkin' funny. I only wish my husband's bad gifts could be blamed on a hearing problem.

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    1. I think it gets to the point where we have to buy our own gifts from now on...like a trip to Hawaii or even a date with Johnny Depp...I'm not picky....

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  16. Pretty funny "poem." Enjoyed...

    Take care, Slu

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    1. Glad you liked it. I'm a poet and I didn't know it! Lol!

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  17. I've read it twice already it ticked me so much! Awesome rhyming: lingerie and pink bidet, HAHA!

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    1. Thanks, Josie! Glad you liked it enough to read it twice. And all this time I thought my poetry skills from school were rusty.....

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  18. Awesome! Loved it! Great rhyming!

    Worst <3 gift ever: My daughter's dad and I got engaged and for our 1st valentine's day together he got me a beautiful necklace. He picked it out all by himself. I guess that taxed all his creativity because he got my sister the same necklace....... He was so proud of himself for being nice to my sister. Le' Sigh.

    Needless to say, we're not married.

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    Replies
    1. Oh Holy crap!!! Sounds like you did the right thing by getting out of THAT relationship!!

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  19. LOVED IT!!!!!!
    Oh man that was awesome!!
    You did a great job!!

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    1. Thanks, Momisodes!!! It means a lot coming from you! Glad you enjoyed it!

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  20. I'll bet that was a fun one to write. Love your wit. Glad I stopped by for the chuckle. I don't understand though, I thought his gifts were really good...

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    1. Well, perhaps the pink bidet...and the lemur...I DO love lemurs....

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  21. LOL!!! That was awesome!! Yes, I guess he did need hearing aids!! :D Love your take on the prompt!

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  22. It's true--he really does. Always claims he didn't hear me. Selective hearing, I call it.

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  23. Cute! Last year, I asked for a puppy...and I got a giant stuffed dog.

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    Replies
    1. That's funny! This year you'll have to go pick out your own---like a nice, big Saint Bernard!

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  24. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! THAT WAS HILARIOUS! SO MUCH SO, THAT ALL CAPS ARE NEEDED TO DESCRIBE IT!

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    1. Aww, thanks, Tiffany. That means a LOT coming from a talented writer like you! I really did have fun dusting off the poetry skills from bygone days.....

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  25. Four kids, out of latex--makes sense to me :) :)

    Thank you for this! I laughed so loudly I woke my husband who was drooling all over my couch :)

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    1. This is hysterical!!! Poor Hubs. You'll have to do your funny reading in another room next time. Thanks for stopping by!

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  26. Love your twist on the question. Maybe this Valentine's Day you can ask him to clean out his ears! I don't like that fat, scary clown.

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    1. Hahaha everyone is talking about the clown!! And yes, I think my husband is growing sweet potatoes in his ears!!!

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  27. Way too funny -- I love the way you answered the prompt. Sadly I can see my dear hubby misinterpreting some of my gift requests...but maybe not to quite such an extreme!

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    1. Let's hope not! Like I always say...cash works! Thanks for stopping by!

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  28. Ha ha. You tackled the topic very well.

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  29. Arn't you just the clever little poet!! Well done!!!

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    1. Thanks, Saimi. It's fun to switch things up every now and then.

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  30. That was awesome! LOVED IT! So talented!

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    1. Thanks! Glad you liked it and happy to see you come by! :-)

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  31. " Mar Sea & Rocky"...they're in trouble now .
    All it took was " Rocunrol".
    And a whole lotta Lucky Lass Mines - Red Planet.
    Rice - Austria- SA .
    Tiffany knows what she's talking about.

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  32. Replies
    1. Hi Sandra! Happy to have you here--I need to catch up with you so I'l be hopping over to your site real soon!

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  33. these are too funny! haha :)

    i'm a new follower, via the fri chaos blog hop, and love your site!

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    1. Welcome Brianna and thank you for the follow!

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  34. Stopping by from GFC linkup, following! :)

    xoxo,
    Gayle | Grace for Gayle

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    1. Thanks, Gayle! I'll be sure to check out your site!

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  35. That was adorable! Freaking fantastic, you almost made me love Valentine's Day. Almost. I couldn't write a poem to save my life. Great job :)

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    1. For obvious reasons, Valentines Day isn't one of my favorites, either. I'm afraid I'm going to end up with a goat this year...or possibly a pot-bellied pig.

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  36. Haha! I love it! Pug puppies over Bubble guppies any day!

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  37. Funny and you can rhyme, too! Loved your post as I always do. BTW I voted for you (again) at the "Circle of Moms" for the top 25 Funny Moms! You're doing great! Good Luck!

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    1. Thank you so much, Vicky! That means a lot to me!

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  38. Those were hilarious! Love the one about wanting a ring but got offspring. New follower from the GFC blog hop

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    1. Glad you liked it and thanks for the follow!

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  39. Oh my gosh, I don't participate in these prompt things but now I WANT TO. Awesome stuff. I think my favorite was
    I was looking for romance
    he offered to buy me implants
    Because - well, funny :)

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    1. Glad you liked the post, Kristi! You should contact Karen @ BakingInATornado and sign up for a Swap--I think you'd really enjoy it!

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  40. This is awesome.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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  41. hahah! you just crack me up! especially when you asked for a sexy lingerie but you got a pink bidet!! lol!

    thank you for linking up with Fun Friday Blog Hop, i hope you're having fun blog hopping!

    see you next time, huggies♥
    rea

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  42. Sorry to post this here but I couldn't find the
    post about the Thursday Cafe Hop. Following you
    via the hop return the follow please!

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  43. Hey new follower!! This site is fantastic!!

    noel @ high heeled mama

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  44. Whoa... that is a history of miserable valentine's days!! Seriously LOL! Hilarious!

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    1. Thanks, Beckey! Glad I could bring a smile to your day!

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  45. Hey mujer, it's Babushka, here again from the Thursday Thumping Blog Hop and hate to tell ya- he's past the hearing aid stage. Just take the credit cards and say Gracias! BB2U

    P.S. Works great for my Sweetie and me- never a disappointment.

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    1. Good advice! Thanks for the visit, Bohemian Babushka!

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  46. I"m passing this on to you Did you just pass this on to me??
    http://www.awriterweavesatale.com/2013/02/10/inspiring-blogger-award-im-inspiring/

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  47. AWESOME! I am still chuckling, MM! :))

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  48. Glad I could bring a smile to your face today!

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